Year Three

When Deacon woke up the sun was shining through the windows. The night before had been the opening for the Rayna Jaymes exhibit at the Country Music Hall of Fame and there had been a special evening reception that ran late. He'd been pleased with how it had gone and, along with the girls, they had been proud of the exhibit. They had worked long hours pulling things together and it had been an emotional journey. He lay there for a moment, just thinking back over all of it. He turned his head to the side, where she would have been. Should have been.

He didn't know why he'd been thinking so much about those last twenty-four hours, this year. He thought about the day it all happened, everything that led up to her leaving the house. He sat up in his bed and put his head in his hands and cried, huge choking sobs. He hadn't cried like this in a long time, but he felt so overwhelmed with grief and loss and longing.

He knew it was probably the exhibit and then all the people the night before, with their kind words and fond memories, the laughter and even a few tears. Watty was there. He had recorded the story of how he'd found Rayna, all those years ago, in a honky tonk on Broadway, with her bad guitar playing and her simple melodies. He talked about her evolution, from Belle Meade privilege to country music's highest accolade – the Queen of Country Music, and that had been part of the self-guided recording fans would be able to hear. He'd also acted as the master of ceremonies the night before, which had seemed appropriate.

The tears finally stopped and he laid back against the pillow. He still thought about the rollercoaster day that last day had been. The police officer picking up her phone and letting him know what had happened. Driving as fast as he could to the hospital, trying to get someone to pick up Daphne, calling Maddie. He'd felt frantic, until he saw her in the emergency room and she was awake. He had felt better after the surgery and the doctor telling him she was fine. But when everything started to crash around him, all he could think about was that they hadn't had nearly enough time.

He forced himself to get out of bed and get ready for the day. After he'd dropped off Daphne at school, he stopped, as he always did, and got flowers. He drove out to the cemetery and walked across the lawn to her grave. He put the flowers in front of the gravestone and stood there for a moment, just remembering her. He thought about how she looked on the bridge, all the times they'd been there, her hair being picked up by the breeze, as though all her cares were being blown away.

He walked back and sat down, leaning forward. "I can't believe it's been three years, baby," he said. "It's been kinda a crazy year. I hope you understand about Highway 65, why it was the right thing to do. And about our songs. I think we did it in a way that you would have approved of, which is really all that mattered to me." He rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face. "I wish we coulda done all of it, you know? As much as I didn't wanna do it at first, it really was beautiful in the end."

He looked around then. It was a beautiful, sunny day, an early spring. "It's your kinda day, baby," he said. "Reminds me of you." He sighed. "I still wake up every day and have to remind myself you're not here. I never thought I'd be doing this without you." He pressed his hands together over his mouth and blinked at the tears in his eyes. "Me and the girls, we're doing okay. Every day we just move forward a little more. I'm really grateful to have 'em. I think we help each other."

He sat back and breathed in. "So, let me tell you everything we been doing."

~nashville~

He had one of those days. They all did, once in a while, a day where the grief and the longing and the despair felt overwhelming. It would often come out of nowhere, with nothing specific to trigger it. Those days were fewer and farther between, but they could still hit with the force of a hurricane. Maddie, Daphne, and Scarlett worried when he had one of those days, because he would pull inside himself and push everyone away. His sponsor would worry when it was bad enough that he'd take off for the cabin, because he didn't like the idea of Deacon being somewhere without a lifeline.

He wouldn't be telling the truth if he didn't acknowledge that on the darkest of those days, he'd want to drown his pain in a bottle of whiskey. Cheap whiskey would work and, in fact, would be preferable. His old sponsor, Coleman Carlisle, once told him that an alcoholic was always just one bad day away from falling off the wagon. He'd done a pretty damn good job of learning how to live every day without needing alcohol, but when things were at their lowest point, he felt the siren call.

There had been a handful of times in the past nineteen plus years when he'd been tempted, felt pulled, but only once had he actually succumbed. The circumstances were all very different, but the one common denominator to them all was Rayna. There were times early on in his sobriety when being around her was almost too much to bear. That first tour, back in her band. When she told him she was pregnant with Daphne. When he would see Teddy pick her and the girls up when the buses came back to Nashville. Then there were the weeks after Maddie's emancipation, when she went on that ten date tour they'd planned, without him, when she'd turned away from him. And, of course, the night he came home from the hospital without her, knowing she would never come home.

He'd promised her he'd stay strong though. Admittedly he'd promised because she insisted, but he had also promised her a thousand times that he wouldn't disappoint her and he would be damned if this would be another of the promises he didn't keep. This one was the most important promise to keep and so he resisted the call, when it came.

The truth about going to the cabin was that it actually gave him solace. It felt healing to be there, in the place that he always thought of as hers. He'd moved the rest of the memorabilia from the old music room to the cabin and here it felt comforting. The quiet and the peacefulness of this place helped to soothe the pain, the anger, the despair. Here he felt stronger and he gathered strength.

But this time even a day at the cabin hadn't been the balm he'd needed, so he'd come home. He still felt alone, lonely, gutted. He was sitting out on the patio when Scarlett approached. She set a glass of iced tea on the table next to his chair. He looked up at her. "Thanks," he said.

She sat down next to him, at first staying quiet. But finally she broke the silence. "You okay?" she asked.

He let out a sharp laugh. "Hell, no," he said. He looked back at her, unable to shake the pain. "I just keep wondering if it's ever gonna stop hurting."

She sighed. "Probably not. It just gets easier to bear."

He brought his hands together over his mouth, trying in vain to keep the tears from rolling down his face. "We just didn't have enough time," he said, his voice shaking.

She looked at him and frowned. "What do you mean? You had years."

He shook his head. "There were all those years I was a mess, half of it I don't remember. Then she was with Teddy and after Teddy there was Luke. And it took us so long to get back what we had. And then we didn't have enough time."

She turned towards him. "You had her heart all those years, Deacon. Maybe your relationship was different, but you gotta remember you were the one she truly loved. The only one. She may have loved Teddy and she may have loved Luke, but they was what she thought she was supposed to love. Maybe you didn't have as much time together as you'd have liked, but just know it was always you she loved. You were the only one who ever had her heart."

~nashville~

Holidays and special days were always rife with sad memories and times of sorrow, none more so than Christmas. Christmas had been Rayna's favorite holiday, a time to spend with family and, especially after she had the girls, for fun and shared activities.

Deacon remembered how, every year, Rayna would get kind of a glow about her as she started planning for Christmas. When they were together, in the early years, and barely had two nickels to rub together, they would find a way to get a Christmas tree, even if it was one of those Charlie Brown trees that were ugly and small. Rayna had snuck into Lamar's house that first year they were together and had taken some ornaments that had belonged to her mother, and they had used those to decorate their sad little tree. If Lamar noticed the missing ornaments, he never said a word.

Christmas and Thanksgiving were command appearance holidays in Lamar Wyatt's world and, even though he'd kicked Rayna out of the house, he expected her to show up for dinner. She would always bring Deacon, which made for uncomfortable, often contentious occasions. More than once, he'd had too much to drink while he was there, mostly to tweak Lamar. He always regretted it afterwards, because those were the times Rayna would leave disappointed in him. But mostly, they would leave before dessert and laugh about how they'd escaped another 'command performance'.

When Rayna was married to Teddy and was raising the girls, she would tell him all about their traditions. Baking cookies with the girls, putting up their big, fancy Christmas tree, wrapping gifts, and driving around Nashville looking at Christmas lights. And Christmas morning was all about staying in their pajamas all day, opening presents and drinking hot chocolate and watching movies.

Those were some of the hardest days for him after he got sober, thinking about that happy family tableau and wishing he could have been the one doing all that with her. He would put lights up on the outside of his house and sometimes get a Christmas tree, but mostly he would sit in his darkened living room, absentmindedly strumming his guitar and feeling sorry for himself.

The Christmases he'd had with Rayna and the girls had been everything he'd always hoped for. He got to be the one joining in on their traditions, being a part of that family occasion. Late that night, the last Christmas, after the girls had finally settled down for the night and he and Rayna had snuggled into their bed, and each other, he had thanked God for that. He and Rayna had made love, yet again, in the wee hours of the morning and he remembered kissing her, holding her close, not wanting yet to separate from her.

"This is what I always wanted," he whispered against her lips. "I used to dream about this."

She laughed softly. "And now it's your reality. Our reality." She kissed him and looked deep in his eyes. "I love you, Deacon."

He kissed her back. "I love you, Rayna."

Christmas without her had not been the same. The girls would half-heartedly continue the traditions, but instead of that warm, happy feeling, they would always be tinged with sadness, with a feeling that they just weren't worth doing anymore.

He was sitting in the den one night, reading, when the girls came in and sat down on either side of him. He put his book down and took off his glasses, looking back and forth between the two of them. They both looked serious, so he wondered what was going on. "What's up?" he said, frowning.

"We've been thinking about Christmas," Daphne said.

"Yeah," said Maddie. "We need to plan."

He looked at both of them and sighed. What was there to plan, when all they did was decorate the tree in silence, go through the motions of baking cookies and wrapping presents. Christmas morning was even sadder, as they opened gifts, ate pancakes none of them wanted, and went their separate ways. But he was going to at least pretend to be on board. He raised his eyebrows. "Okay, what's the plan?" he asked, trying to sound enthusiastic, and knowing he was failing at it.

Daphne picked at the bottom of her shirt. "Well, we were thinking maybe we could go away for Christmas," she said.

He frowned. "Go away? What do you mean?"

"Go on a vacation, Dad," Maddie said. "Someplace not Nashville."

"Really?" He was really surprised at that.

Maddie raised up her hand. "If you don't want to, that's okay, but…."

He shook his head. "Nah. Actually I think that might be a good idea." He actually felt a sense of relief.

"You do?" Daphne looked both surprised and pleased. "Because we picked out a place."

He chuckled. "Of course you did. Where were you thinking?"

"The beach," Maddie said, with a dreamy look on her face. Then she sat up. "We found a place on the Gulf in Florida. We can rent a house with a beach view. It'll be quiet, not a lot of tourists. And we can sit on the porch or walk on the beach or just do nothing."

He thought about that for a minute. Then he looked back and forth between the two of them. "You sure? I mean, you sure you don't wanna bake cookies and all that? You'd be okay with not doing it?"

Daphne scooched over and leaned against his shoulder. "Mom was the one who started all that," she said quietly. "It was all the things she did with her mom and she wanted to do them with us. But now…." She sighed.

"Now, we just need to make new memories," Maddie picked up. "I think she'd understand."


They rented a house in Seaside for five days. They didn't bake a single tray of cookies. They didn't even buy and decorate a tree. They did wrap presents, but they spent most of the time sitting on the porch playing music and singing or walking on the beach or just sitting quietly in the sun. On Christmas Eve they talked about Rayna and shared memories and stories and laughed and cried and hugged each other. It wasn't that they were letting her go, but they all knew that to heal they had to create new traditions for the three of them. She was still in their hearts and they knew she'd approve.

~nashville~

He sighed, thinking about the album. There had been so many tears in the making of it, but good memories too. It brought him back to those last moments in the hospital, after the doctors and nurses had left, after the beeping warning noises were turned off, when it was just the three of them, and they'd had to truly acknowledge she was really gone. They'd sat there for a while before they were ready to leave, knowing it would be the last time they saw her.

The girls had talked about growing up as Rayna Jaymes' daughters, touring with her or just doing mother/daughter kinds of things. They talked about what they loved most about her, what they would miss. They had cried together, held each other. They knew they were the three people she had loved the most in the world and they had no idea what to do next. He had felt the burden of getting them through whatever was next when he wasn't even sure how he was going to do that for himself. His whole life had been wrapped up in her and he just didn't know who he was without her.

Finally, it was time to go, to start the rest of their lives. Maddie and Daphne had walked out ahead of him and then he turned back one more time. She just looked like she was sleeping. He imagined she would open her eyes any minute and say she was ready to go home. But he knew that was just his wishful thinking.

He walked back over and laid his hand on her head, just looking at her. Then he leaned down and kissed her forehead, his tears dampening her skin. Then finally he stood back up and walked to the door. One arm around each of his girls, they walked out together.


A nurse had given him a bag with the clothes she'd had on when she was brought in and the notebook they'd been using to write that song she'd insisted they needed to write. As though somehow she'd known. He had sat at the end of the bed that night and held it, sobbing quietly. It was the coda, she'd said, that promise of something more. That last little thing you hear, that suddenly makes everything make sense. It was how she'd wanted it to end, with a song that was all about the joy of their love, something that wasn't at all about the pain. It had not been quite finished and he had no heart for it now. He put it away later, with other things he'd packed up in the music room. He'd never gone back to it and somehow doubted he ever would. It was the one song she'd never sing and it was the one he kept for himself, one he would never make public.

Songwriting after Rayna had felt inexplicably hard. It had surprised him, because he'd never had trouble writing, whether it was by himself or with her. During all those years they weren't together, he'd written hundreds of songs, mostly about her. Many of them he performed himself. Those he hadn't had just sat in a box. He'd written some that he'd pitched to her during that time, but she'd never done them. They'd written a few together, although it had felt stilted and uncomfortable and eventually they'd stopped.

In the early days they'd written everything together and those were always his most favorite songs. But getting back to it now had been painful. In the aftermath of making the decision to sell Highway 65, he'd floated some of his old demos out there and had surprisingly sold several. Maddie and Daphne had gone through the songs he hadn't demo'd and picked out the ones that felt most marketable. And bit by bit, he found himself finding a comfortable spot again, and eventually started to write again.

~nashville~

"Dad!" Maddie called out.

Deacon walked out of the closet with his boots. "Yeah?"

"Are you almost ready? I don't want to be late."

He smiled. "Just gotta put my boots on. It's only gonna take us five minutes to get here."

"Well, I know, but I just feel like we should be there a little early, you know?" She looked him over and smiled. "I'm glad you dressed up a bit."

He looked down and ran his hands over the black vest he had on. "Is this dressed up?" he asked.

She laughed. "For you it is." She sat down on the bench next to him as he put on his boots. "I'm really proud of the album," she said quietly.

He stopped and looked at her. "Me too." He put his arm around her. "That was a great idea you had."

"I think it's appropriate too that it's the last album on Highway 65. Mom would have appreciated that."

"Yeah, I think she would have." He let her go then and stood up. "You ready?"


When he, Maddie and Daphne arrived at the Bluebird, Scarlett was already there. "Hey, y'all," she said, with a smile. She gestured towards two boxes on the stage. "All the CD's are in there. Food and drinks are ready."

Deacon enveloped her in a hug. "Thank you, sweetie," he whispered in her ear. "You done good." He looked around the room. There was a large poster on an easel at the entrance that was the album cover. He'd had an artist do a cover with their four faces and the album title 'Through the Storm'. He breathed in. It had taken him a while to feel like he could share his and Rayna's music with others. It had been such a personal thing – for her, for him – that it had been almost more than he could bear to even think about it. And while he knew Rayna would not have wanted him to put out something that wasn't finished, he thought she would be okay with what he had done. He'd carefully chosen the two songs that went on the album and then used the rest with the Country Music Hall of Fame exhibition. It was a fitting tribute and it had felt right to him.

He had said, back when it was all still so fresh and raw, that the only person he owed anything to was Rayna. That was how he'd lived his life since she'd died. He always considered what she would have done or what she would have wanted. He still could hear her. This record is not about money, it is about us, it is about doing something important for us.

For a while he'd worried that standing his ground about not releasing what had been completed would be a mistake. But after Rayna died, there had been a run on her old albums and that had held them over until Juliette and Will and Maddie released their own music. It hadn't been an easy decision to make, but Maddie and Daphne had supported him and that was really all that had mattered.

Running a label though had been Rayna's thing and not his, and not too long after he and Bucky had talked about options, he'd decided to test the waters. Tandy had surprisingly agreed without a fight and they had just signed the agreement with Big Machine to sell the Highway 65 assets as an imprint label. Bucky had assured him it was a good deal for Highway 65 – Scott and Big Machine will take good care of it. It's still your legacy and they'll honor it, I know – and it meant that he and the girls were taken care of as well.

He looked around the room one last time. The invitation only event would start in less than thirty minutes. He went to find Maddie and Daphne.


He sat on the edge of his bed that night and held the picture of him and Rayna at their wedding. It still seemed so unfair that they'd had so little time together. After everything they'd gone through to finally be together and then have it snatched away so quickly seemed unfair. It was most often on days like these, when their lives focused on Rayna, that made it hard to think about all the good times. The love, the closeness, the connection they'd had. It was just all over too soon.

The CD launch party had been a success. He and the girls had performed all of the songs except for the two he and Rayna had done. Those had played over the sound system and he'd struggled not to give in to the sadness. Daphne had come over to stand with him, her arms around him. He smiled to himself. Daphne had been such a comfort. He was forever grateful to Teddy for trusting him with her. Maddie was strong, like Rayna, and had bounced back more quickly. But Daphne had needed him. And he'd needed her.

Daphne had, in fact, provided the most moving part of the evening. She hadn't told him ahead of time what she wanted to do and he wasn't even sure when she had decided it, but after they had finished performing, she'd stayed on the stage.

"I'd like to sing something, for my mom," she said. "I still think about her all the time and I just, well, I wanted to do this for her."

Would you know my name / If I saw you in heaven? / Would it be the same / If I saw you in heaven? / I must be strong and carry on / 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand / If I saw you in heaven? / Would you help me stand / If I saw you in heaven? / I'll find my way through night and day / 'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees / Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure / And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

Would you know my name / If I saw you in heaven? / Would it be the same / If I saw you in heaven? / I must be strong and carry on / 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

There wasn't a dry eye in the place when she finished. He and Maddie had walked up on stage and the three of them had just held each other, missing Rayna even more.

~nashville~

Maddie and Daphne had been bugging him, for a little while, about dating again.

"You're still young, Dad," Daphne said, with a smile. "And very handsome. You'd be quite a catch."

He shook his head and laughed. "Seriously?" The three of them were out having dinner together, something they did often, now that Maddie had moved out.

"Seriously," Maddie said, patting his arm. "You are still young. And Daphne's going to be out of the house in a couple years, so what are you going to do then?"

He did not really want to have this conversation. "I'll do what I always do. Write songs. Play around town. Do good works."

Daphne shook her head. "I just can't believe that you haven't met some hot woman at one of those black tie things you do. Or another songwriter at the Bluebird or something."

"Yeah," Maddie said. "We don't want our dad to just toddle around the house."

He was getting uncomfortable with the conversation. "I don't know what these black tie things are you think I do. I just wear a suit. When I host. And I don't toddle." He rolled his eyes. He looked back and forth at both of them. "I'd rather hear about your dates. Or better yet, Maddie, you can tell us about your tour."


He got them off the subject temporarily, but Daphne brought it up again on the ride home. "You know, we really would be okay if you wanted to date someone," she said, finally breaking the silence. "We worry about you being lonely."

He looked over at her and smiled. "Thanks, baby. I appreciate that. But I ain't lonely. I still got you. And Maddie, when she's here. And we got Scarlett and Galadrielle. I ain't lonely." He knew that wasn't really true and he suspected they did as well, but he wasn't sure if he was ready. He didn't know if he'd ever be ready.

Daphne looked at him for a minute. "I think Mom would be okay with it," she said quietly.

He felt tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. He reached over and squeezed her hand. "I really appreciate it, sweet girl, but…I ain't ready. Maybe I won't never be ready." He sighed. "Your mama was the love of my life. I knew that the minute I laid eyes on her. I've never loved anyone but her. I don't know if I could ever love anyone else." He looked at her again. "I appreciate that you and Maddie would be okay with it, but, you know, I waited a long time for her. And I told her it would be forever. And, well, I don't know if forever's over yet."

~nashville~

"You'd be proud of the girls, Ray. Maddie's doing so great. It was hard for her at first, you know, 'cause it was just a tough time, but she figured it out and she's doing great. And Daphne too. I remember how you told me you felt when your mama died and Daphne, well, she went through a lot of that too. But we're all doing better. And they are such…." He choked on the words. They had all gone through tough spots and there had been times when he had worried he couldn't be everything they needed, but he'd just try to be there for them and love them and it all worked out eventually.

He cleared his throat. "They're just growing up, so fast. And they're so beautiful. Like you. I'm just so proud of both of them and I know they always keep you in their hearts." He choked again on his words. "Thank you for them," he whispered.

He breathed in. "We did that exhibit at the Hall of Fame. They'd been asking for a while and I finally said yes. The girls picked out some of your tour outfits." He laughed a little. "All those sparkly things you liked. And your wedding dress." He felt tears then and reached up to wipe them away. He breathed out and smiled sadly. "I remember you in that wedding dress. I ain't never seen nobody more beautiful than you that day. I just couldn't take my eyes off you, baby."

There had been a lot of tears during the process of pulling together everything that exemplified Rayna Jaymes. There had also been lots of stories and even laughter. He had decided it had been a very good idea to do it, even if it was just because they had the chance to really relive what she'd meant to them. "Got all your gold records there. Platinum too. Pictures. Some of the songs we wrote, the notes and all." He breathed out, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his legs. "I finished out those scratch tracks, baby," he said quietly. "We got 'em playing in the background. Maddie's idea. And if you was to do the audio tour, Watty did the narrating."

He put his head down then. "It's been hard, baby. Scarlett told me it gets easier to bear and she's mostly right about that. But I still think you're gonna walk in the door at night. I still wait for you to come to bed." He swiped at his eyes. "It don't happen as much anymore, but sometimes I need you so bad it hurts. I know you thought I could do this and I hope I'm doing good. I hope, when you look down, you think we're all doing good." He ran his hands through his hair. "I'm figuring it out though. I'm trying to be a good dad. I'm trying to do the best I can. I ain't never thought I'd do this without you, you know? And it's the hardest thing I ever done. 'Cause you ain't here." He wiped his eyes again.

"You know, baby, how much I miss you. I think about you every day. The girls have been bugging me about dating, but I just ain't sure I'm ready for that." He twisted the wedding band he still wore on his finger. "I still feel married to you. I don't know how you feel about it, though. I mean, I know you told me to get on with my life when you was married to Teddy, when you were gonna marry Luke, but I don't know. I don't know if I could do it." He lowered his head and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply.

It's okay. He looked up sharply and then looked around. There was no one else around. There was a light breeze, so it could have been the sound of the leaves that were still hanging on the trees. It had been so soft, he wasn't even certain he'd heard it or that those were the words he'd heard. He didn't necessarily believe in ghosts or supernatural stuff, but then he remembered how Rayna had thought her mother was sitting with her in her hospital room. It had sounded like her voice though.

He didn't think he was ready though. It was true, what he'd said, that he still felt married to her. He'd expected to live the rest of his life with her. When the years have passed / When we're old and gray / I'll be standing here where I am today / Through the good times and the bad times / You're mine. The words came unbidden and he found himself crying again. It was what they'd planned – to grow old together, to watch their girls grow up and see their grandchildren, to play music on the porch at the cabin even after his fingers couldn't work the strings on his guitar. The way it was finally supposed to be.

He sighed then and wiped his eyes. It wasn't meant to be though. Maybe they were never meant to have more than they had. But moving on? Finding someone new? He wasn't at all sure he wanted that or needed that. But he did feel like, deep down inside, she'd given him her permission. I want you to be happy.

He got up then and walked over to stand at her gravestone. "I can't do it," he said, his voice shaking. "Not yet. Maybe not ever. I just ain't ready for forever to be done yet." He raised two fingers to his lips and then pressed them against the marble. "I love you, Rayna."

He took a deep breath and then he headed back towards his truck.