"Splendor"
By: fluffy pantoufle
Booze and Guardian Forces had similar effects on the mind - any SeeD could tell you that. It was common knowledge, especially amongst Garden cadets that had been around the proverbial block more than once. Years of combat training, covert operations, and murder for hire would turn nearly anyone into a budding alcoholic. In the case of Quistis Trepe, a couple glasses of wine every now and then aided in drowning out the incessant chatter that came with having Carbuncle nestled in the recesses of her brain. The instructor and the tiny mythical creature were like oil and water; she much preferred Shiva, but for some reason or another the Ice Queen enjoyed curling up in the nooks and crannies of Squall Leonhart's mind.
Of course. Shiva can best understand the thoughts of Garden's resident Ice Prince.
Carbuncle meant well, of course. Oil and water they may have been, but he was very much in tune with Quistis's emotions and always tried to cheer her up. At the very least, it wasn't like having Siren invade your head. That particular Guardian Force always got along best with Rinoa Heartilly, and perhaps it wasn't too difficult to figure out why. Siren was a downright bitch - and for all her connections with ancient mythology, she had a terrible singing voice. Quistis once had to listen to Sacred and Minotaur complain about her whilst on a mission. Sacred was a crybaby, but when Siren called him a "spineless, blubbering cow" he was nearly in hysterics.
Regardless of this, Quistis still wished that she had junctioned Siren instead of Carbuncle. The mythological woman would have made sure to store the memories of the night previous that Quistis cast to the wind when she downed her fifth or sixth shot of liquor. For some reason or another, alcohol had no effect on Siren - she simply laughed and heckled when the brains in which she occupied became laden with firewater. No one could figure out why.
Carbuncle, on the other hand…
"Quisty, I don't feel so good! Why did you have to go out last night, huh? Why? My stomach feels all sorts of icky - do you feel it too? This is awful!"
The instructor rolled her eyes as they walked down the street. She was in mixed company and didn't want to be caught talking out loud to her Guardian Force - in public, no less. Not only was Xu accompanying her, but Kiros Seagill and the drag queen trio were also in tow. Everyone was quite curious as to whether or not this fabled marriage certificate held any type of merit.
Xu noticed the less-than-thrilled expression on her best friend's face and gave her a slight nudge. "Everything all right, Q?" When the blonde didn't respond, her brunette counterpart sighed loudly. "Is it that whiny little bastard in your head? I don't even know why you brought him along!"
"I wanted to have some magic junctioned, Xu! Just in case…"
"Yeah, but Carbuncle? I feel like drinking with him junctioned is like, I don't know… Giving a toddler a bucket of whiskey." Xu suddenly chuckled. "Personally, if I'm gonna go out and get sloshed, I like to have Doomtrain with me."
Quistis raised an eyebrow. "Doomtrain?"
"Yeah, that's one GF that loves when you're drunk. He's entertaining as all hell. I'm surprised to acquire him you didn't have to collect six empty vodka bottles along with all that other shit."
A laugh from behind the two women prompted Quistis to glance over her shoulder. Kiros was strolling along, hands in his pockets - the epitome of nonchalant. He listened to the SeeDs as they rambled, an aimless smile on his face. From what she gathered out of visits to the 'dream world,' Quistis always thought that the adviser was more outspoken. Age and authority must have truly mellowed him out. It wasn't entirely unwelcome; as a matter of fact, after spending the earlier part of the day with Seifer and Zell, it was rather refreshing.
"Aw, man! Quisty, I think I absorbed your hangover. I feel like I'm gonna throw up chunks in here!"
"Don't you fucking dare, you ridiculous carnival rat!" She reacted, not realizing that she hadn't internalized her irritation.
The drag queens immediately fell silent. Zsa Zsa Lahore was glad for the interruption - Tequila Mockingbird was lecturing her companions on glamour. That bitch was out of her tacky little mind! Obviously, what Tequila thought was fierce wouldn't even make a Winhill housewife blush.
"Uh…" Quistis sputtered. "It was my Guardian Force? You know, the things…in our heads…"
Zsa Zsa just laughed. "Sweet cheeks, I just thought you were talking about Tequila! This nasty whore is trying to tell me how to wear my eye shadow! Ain't no one tellin' Lady Zsa Zsa how to put on her war paint!"
"Preach on, sister!" Xu exclaimed, pumping her fists in the air in mock-enthusiasm before grabbing Quistis by the bicep. "Look, we need to hurry along with this nutty little parade we've acquired," She whispered. "If Selphie was right, and I'm a married woman… Hyne, I don't even know what I'd do."
"Please don't destroy Deling City," Quistis said immediately, seeing that familiar fire behind Xu's hazel eyes. "General Caraway would be so displeased."
"Whatever," Xu rolled her eyes. "We're about fifteen steps away from the godforsaken place. Let's just get in and check it out, OK?"
The instructor heard Carbuncle's whining reverberate through her brain, but she tried valiantly to quarantine his presence to the furthest corners of her consciousness. With a curt nod Quistis picked up the pace, Xu only one step behind…and Kiros several steps behind her…and the drag queens faithfully following, bickering loudly.
"You are one crazy-ass hussy, Zsa Zsa!"
"Bitch, please! One more word out of you, and I will tear your beady little eyes out!"
When the contingent arrived at room 320, they were quite surprised to find the door slightly ajar. Xu wasted no time in flinging said door open, and a loud SLAM likely startled anyone who happened to be on the third floor. As they entered, Selphie stumbled out of the bedroom, clearly in the same state of post-coital bliss that left her seeing stars only an hour or two earlier. It was at that moment that both Quistis and Xu gave serious thought as to what exactly Irvine Kinneas was packing in those brown pants of his…
Instead of the cowboy's jacket, this time Selphie was loosely wrapped in a bed sheet that threatened to expose her bountiful assets. She was grinning ear to ear, and when her eyes laid upon the three colorful queens, her smile nearly split her face in two. "I LOVE your outfits!" She cried. However, in her zeal, she forgot about the flimsy sheet covering her body and let enough peek out to make Kiros turn his head.
"Selphie!" Quistis came to the aid of her friend, grabbing the sheet and covering her body. "Come to your senses!"
The perky little brunette just giggled. "Hah! You said come."
"Well, obviously I said…" The blonde's lips suddenly turned downward. "Oh, Selphie! That's just foul!"
"Well, whaddya think we've been doing all afternoon, Quisty?" Selphie's speech was just a wee bit slurred, and Quistis suspected that in between all that 'coming' there was an excessive amount of 'drinking.'
Xu took this particular moment to step in. She grabbed the shorter brunette by the shoulders and shook her several times in order to clean the drunken cobwebs from her mind. "Selphie Tilmitt, you busty, blitzed, babbling bubblehead… Where the fuck is that marriage certificate?"
Irvine's voice could be heard from the bedroom, loudly singing the melody to "Here Comes the Bride." Selphie clasped her hand over to her mouth to keep from giggling until she saw that Xu was deathly serious. And, as everyone already knew at this point, the words 'Xu' and 'deathly' should never be placed in the same sentence, for if they were, someone was getting the shit kicked out of them. "Uh…I left it on the counter in the bathroom for you, Xu! It looks legit, but…"
"But what?"
"I just can't remember when the heck you married Nida! I mean, we had to have been with you the whole night, unless me and Irvy…" Selphie trailed off and her eyes suddenly glazed over again in erotic delight. "I'll be right back."
And with that, Selphie Tilmitt dashed back into the bedroom like some sort of oversexed porn superhero. The door shut behind her, and save for Irvine's intermittent "YEE-HAWS!" nothing more could be heard from them…which was probably for the better.
"Save a Chocobo, ride a cowboy," Tequila Mockingbird quipped.
Meanwhile, Xu was already in the bathroom. The sounds of complimentary hotel soaps and shampoos could be heard striking the walls, and for a moment everyone was too scared to move. Even the queens, who didn't know Xu from Adel, had all gotten a potentially terrifying vibe from the high ranking SeeD and thought it best to stay out of her way. Quistis took a tentative step towards the bathroom door, but was sent reeling backwards - conveniently into the arms of Kiros - when her bewildered friend let out a screech.
"HOLY HELL MOOGLES!" Xu ran out of the bathroom, brandishing an obnoxiously pink and gold piece of paper. She stopped and raised an eyebrow at Quistis and Kiros, the blonde being supported by the adviser's strong arms. However, she simply filed that situation under 'big-fuckall-mess-to-untangle-later' and thrust the paper in the direction of the group. "It's real! It's really real! Look!"
Quistis took the slip of paper and inspected it carefully. There, in black and white, was all that they needed to know: This certificate is to hereby proclaim the marriage of Asrai E. Xu and Nida V. Casales to be official as of 15 October, 3:42 AM… "Wait! What the hell?!" The instructor stabbed her index finger at a point of interest near the bottom of the page. "Did you read this, Xu?"
"What?" The baffled brunette snatched the certificate back and squinted as she read the fine print. "Oh, you've gotten be shittin' me."
"What's wrong now?" Kiros inquired softly, confused by the sudden amused expression on both Xu's and Quistis's faces.
"How did Raijin and Fujin, of all people on Gaia, get the authority to perform weddings?"
Xu chuckled. "Oh, man…this just keeps getting better and better."
As if to further solidify Xu's statement, a loud THUMP was unexpectedly heard coming from the closet…then another…and another…
The last crash was accompanied by a perturbed, animalistic shriek. Six sets of eyes roamed the room in panic - what the hell was that?! Kiros, being the man of the party, took several steps towards the closet. He placed his hand gingerly on the knob and began to turn. However, he didn't even retract his hand before the doors flew open and one very pissed off Thrustaevis emerged.
"HOW DID THAT GET THERE?!" Quistis cried, falling to her knees before the bird could connect its talons with her face. She crawled to her suitcase that was opened haphazardly next to a coffee table…her whip must have been in there somewhere…
The queens screamed and ran around the room, arms flailing in the process. Even Miss Sunfire, who stayed silent thus far, was shouting and cursing - in a distinctly baritone voice. Their obnoxiously colored feathers and dense clouds of glitter filled the air as the Thrustaevis flapped its wings. In such a confined space, the creature was even more of a challenge - not only was it angry, but it was fearful of being trapped. The wind that it generated with its wings caused all sorts of bottles and knick knacks to go crashing to the ground. One of the decorative paintings that hung on the wall next to the bedroom door was knocked down, tiny shards of glass littering the floor.
While Quistis was fumbling through her bag, she was unaware that the livid bird was aiming its next wind-based attack directly at her. Over the screams and shouts of everyone, the instructor couldn't hear the sounds of magic being conjured. Just before the Aero spell was released, a muscular body came down around her, acting as a barrier to the assault. She felt nothing but a breeze blow past her cheek, and before Quistis could look over her shoulder she noticed the arms - dark and beautiful.
Kiros…
Out of nowhere, the sound of crashing lighting filled the room. Everyone screamed, unaware that the infamous Lady Zsa Zsa Lahore was carrying magic and has finally come to enough sense to use it. A well-aimed Thundara spell sent the Thrustaevis crashing to the ground in a heap of blue feathers. However, the strength of the electricity left all the lights in the room flickering ominously.
"Damn, girl," Xu remarked. She had been standing against the wall, broken liquor bottle in hand as her only defense. "Impressive."
"Hell yeah, sweet cheeks!" Zsa Zsa blew on the tip of her index finger, imitating a smoking gun - a fabulous one at that. "They don't call me shocking for nothin'."
The brunette chuckled. "Interested in signing up for SeeD? If only to wear the uniform? I'd bet any amount of gil that you'd look dynamite."
Zsa Zsa was about to wittily respond, but suddenly Kiros shouted, "XU! LOOK OUT!"
The Thrustaevis was clearly much more resilient than anyone had imagined. Before they could react it was airborne, flying directly at Xu's pretty little face.
Luckily, SeeD were expertly trained in taking care of their own. The monster bird was only inches away from tearing Xu apart when a deafening BANG rattled the walls of the Galbadia Hotel. She gasped as the creature crumpled at her feet, dead by gunshot. All anyone could hear were the sounds of their own heartbeats pounding in their ears, and all they could smell was the distinctive scent of gunpowder.
Irvine Kinneas stood in the doorway of the bedroom, Exeter in hand and clad only in his birthday suit and cowboy hat. If Xu's life hadn't been threatened, she would have found it to be absolutely disgusting. However, in this light, it was nothing short of epic.
"Ya'll fillies gonna settle down now?" He inquired in his characteristic Galbadian drawl. "I hate to see a bunch of pretty girls frettin' over a silly little bird."
It was obvious that Irvine thought nothing of the fact that he was stark naked, dangling out in front of Hyne and everybody. Not only that, but the cowboy must have dismissed entirely the fact that three of his 'pretty girls' were actually full-grown men that stood and gaped at him, slack-jawed. Truth be told, however…to Irvine, attention was attention. And he knew that at that moment, he was in the thick of it.
Quistis stood up, freeing herself from the confines of Kiros's arms. "Irvine…what the fuck was that thing doing in the closet?"
He shrugged. "Don't ask me. Last I can recall, you put it there. With Seifer and Zell, I think. Although what ya'll were doing together, let alone with a big ol' monster bird…well, that's beyond me."
Remember that fire from before? The dangerous fire that burned behind the lovely hazel eyes of one Asrai E. Xu? Now, the flame had erupted into a blazing inferno…and Xu's gaze was fixated directly on Quistis Trepe.
"Seifer motherfucking Almasy?"
A/N: Hello, all! I apologize for the wait between chapters - I've been on a roll all summer and suddenly lost my muse a couple weeks ago! Don't worry - I've dragged her back by her hair, and will try to get another chapter up in the next couple of days! I just got so busy with real life things that I forgot about Quistis, Xu, and the rest of the gang!
There isn't much going on here in terms of furthering the plot, but I hope that you enjoyed it anyway! Carbuncle's hungover? Raijin and Fujin perform weddings? And what the hell are Selphie and Irvine doing in that bedroom?
Hmm...some questions may never be answered. At least not in my fic. ^___^
