Son, My Son

summary: Without even a moment to process life without his powers, a sick day at home turns into a day for Barry that has him questioning the universe's timing when a man comes looking for revenge on Joe. Barry's limits are tested, Joe's love is questioned, and the two aren't sure how they're going to make it out of this one unscathed, physically or emotionally. [Takes place right after 2x19 and before 2x20]

genre: Angst, Hurt-Comfort, Family, Drama

rated: T

authors note: title inspiration and lyrics are from "Son My Son" by Milo Greene.


Chapter 3


I will never run you away

I will never run


It had been four hours since Barry had been taken to Central City General Hospital, his family gathered in the waiting room since. Cisco had resorted to reading some home improvement magazine, Iris was at the nurses' station, and Jesse was texting her father who couldn't be there even though he wanted to thanks to his infamous face. Joe was satisfied with consistent twitching of his legs, his recently bandaged arm draped over his knees, constantly fidgeting his hands. His gaze was transfixed ahead, staring at the swinging doors of the ER ward, daring them to open and the doctor to come talk to them. Wally just sat next to him, Joe completely unaware that Wally was intently watching his fidgeting.

"Barry's tough, Dad," Wally spoke up. "I mean you told me he survived a lightning bolt. He'll make it through this."

"I know. Thanks Wally," Joe sighed, hanging his head, before sitting back in the chair, reaching a hand out to grab hold of his son's. Nothing else was spoken between them.

Finally, the doctor in full surgery garb walked through the doors, pulling at the surgical mask as he came out. A nurse followed behind him, handing him a clipboard as they headed towards the band of people waiting for word on Barry. They all stopped what they were doing and stood as the doctor approached.

"Doctor?" Joe asked first, anxious for news on the young man. The doctor took a deep breath, closing the clipboard.

"Mr. Allen is a lucky young man," he paused to let the instantaneous relief set in, watching all of their faces relax as Iris grabbed Joe's arm and Jessie grabbed Cisco in a quick hug.

"How is he?" Joe asked, all of them listening intently.

"He had four bruised ribs, three cracked. He is very lucky the fractured ribs did not lead to pneumothorax. The stab wound to his pelvis perforated his small intestine. It was thankfully a small hole and we were able to stitch up the wound without complications. He lost quite a bit of blood from his wounds and we're transfusing him now. The cut on his chest required stitches and we had to treat the infected welts on his wrists. They were almost rubbed raw to the bone."

"He was in so much pain when we found him," Iris said softly. Joe couldn't help rub a hand over his eyes. Even though he witnessed Barry's abuse, hearing it listed and being back in this hospital wracked his already on edge nerves. Iris wrapped her arms around her father, side hugging him, knowing the emotions he was feeling.

"Due to the infection in his sinuses and the fractured ribs it hindered Mr. Allen from being able to breathe properly and he has developed pneumonia in his right lung. We were able to drain the fluid and he's receiving oxygen therapy through a non‐invasive ventilation mask but he's got a fever that we're monitoring and pumping him with antibiotics. His immune system is compromised because of his injuries so we have to keep a watchful eye to avoid complications."

"Thank you," Joe said.

"Look," the doctor spoke to them, his tone relaxing slightly as he looked at that gathered crowd. "I know it sounds bad but we have it under control. And your son, your friend, I can tell he's a fighter. His body is fighting hard and winning. He's not out of the woods yet, but he's stable. He's in ICU right now."

"Can we see him?" Cisco asked anxiously. Despite the reassuring words from the doctor he needed to see for himself, like they all did, that Barry was still with them.

"He's going to be unconscious for a while. You're free to see him together now briefly and family can sit with him during his recovery. Third room down on the left." They nodded their thanks and made their way down the hall while Jessie stayed behind to talk to the doctor.

Reaching the room, they saw the unmistakable form of Barry Allen lying there completely still in bed with wires and machines surrounding him. Cisco was the first to enter, approaching the bed cautiously. Cisco wasn't sure if it was out of fear of disturbing his friend's slumber or simply out of shock of how frail Barry actually looked. Sans the bruises and cuts, he looked much like he did when they first brought him to STAR Labs to try to save his life after the lightning strike.

Joe hovered over the bed, memorizing every detail of the young man, his son, allowing the image to sink in. Barry had an IV hooked up to each hand, the one on his left was transfusing blood while the right hand was hooked up to clear liquids that were nourishing Barry's body and providing him with the antibiotics and all the necessities that would aid in his recovery.

Barry's head was tilted slightly to the side on his pillow towards them. His lower face was obscured by a clear oxygen mask that covered his mouth and nose, two pair of straps that stretched across his cheeks securing it in place. The blue tube that emerged from the mask and connected to the ventilator was a sight too familiar for Joe. At least with the mask providing oxygen to Barry, he was spared the jarring image of the invasive tube sticking out of from son's throat. It was almost three years ago he walked into this same hospital, a room much like this one, and had to watch his son fight for his life.

Joe noticed the leads attached to Barry's chest to monitor his heart as he watched the steady rise and fall of his chest in perfect timing with the hiss of the respirator. Barry's face was pale and drawn; his fever-flushed cheeks the only color. A white bandage covered the gash on the temple Joe learned was from when he was pistol whipped into unconsciousness when Cal Hansen first entered their home. Butterfly bandages covered the gash on his right cheek and the split lip blazed red beneath the clear mask.

The blankets were pulled up to the mid-section of Barry's chest. The plunging neck line of the scrubs shirt revealed the top of the wrappings he was sure covered Barry from his chest to his waist, not only wrapping the ribs but covering the cut across his upper chest. The corner of a white bandage at his clavicle was visible at the edge of the shirt and both his wrists were wrapped in gauze. The last thing Joe took notice of was the pads attached to Barry's temples. Wires from them led to a machine that would monitor Barry's brain activity. The active lines on the screen brought comfort to Joe, reassuring him that despite all of this on the outside, his son was still in there.

Iris wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, ridding the errant tears that had escaped as she made her way around Barry's bed. She grabbed the chair to the right of the bed and pulled it close. Settling herself in, she tried to get as comfortable as she could. She reached for his hand, holding it gently in hers as she lifted it to her lips and placed a small kiss on the back of his hand.

"I've spoken to the doctor," Jessie said as she entered the room. "He's wavering the visiting hours 'for family only' rule. I explained to him what family meant in this case to Barry and he agreed that us being with him here is essential to Barry's healing process after what he went through."

"That's good. That's real good," Cisco expressed. "Barry needs this as much as we all do."

"I'm gonna go back to the house," Wally turned to Joe, "pack some things for Barry, you and Iris and bring it back."

"Thanks, Wally," Joe gave Wally a strong, grateful hug before the young man left.


The following morning, ten hours later found Joe sitting in the chair beside Barry's bed. It was late into the night and all that remained in the room was the young man lying in the hospital bed and himself. Wally had returned and stayed for a while before Joe kicked the young man out, instructing him to take Jessie, who had fallen asleep, back to STAR Labs. Cisco had been a harder man to kick out, alternating between pacing and checking Barry's charts. He was used to sitting vigil on Barry, from the early days of Barry's coma to the many nights in the medbay as Barry recovered from injuries sustained by the Flash. He usually had the comforting and knowledgeable presence of Caitlin; without her Cisco felt at a loss of how to help. Iris went home to get a few hours of sleep with a promise to return and a threat that when she did, Joe would have to give up his seat.

Captain Singh had called to check in and was able to piece the last few minutes of their captivity together before they were rescued from Hansen's interrogation. After taking Barry upstairs he'd restrained him in Joe's bedroom and shot the wall with the intention of not only frightening a blindfolded Barry but to make Joe believe Barry had been shot. He'd informed Barry that the next bullet was intended for Joe and then he would take his own life, leaving Barry alone to bleed out or be rescued, whatever came first. Breaking and entering, two counts of aggravated assault and first-degree attempted murder, Hansen would be in jail for a long time.

Joe knew he should be resting after all he'd been through today, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Barry's side.

"Barry," Joe spoke quietly. "time to wake up son." Joe squeezed Barry's left hand, gentle but solid, hoping Barry could feel it and know he wasn't alone as he slept. Joe leaned his other arm on the chair armrest and brought his hand to face, scrubbing it over his eyes, before resting his chin on it. Staying like that, head propped up one hand, Barry's held tightly in the other, Joe lost track of time; forgot about sleep, forgot about Zoom, forgot about super speed. All he could focus on was his son.

"Dad?" Seemingly out of nowhere, a voice interrupted his trance. Joe looked up to see Iris standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Baby," Joe greeted, voice tired.

"Dad, you haven't moved since I left?" Iris asked, handing her father a cup of coffee. The feeling of deja vu struck her hard; of finding her father dozing in a chair beside Barry's bed as he lay in a coma, handing him a cup of coffee he woudln't drink. She couldn't help but look up, almost expecting Barry to break out into a seizure. But he didn't. His chest rose and fell as the heart monitors beeped in a steady, comforting rhythm.

"I don't want to leave him," Joe nodded his thanks as he accepted the coffee.

"Dad, Hansen didn't let you off easy. You may not be in a hospital bed but you need your rest too."

Joe just nodded, not saying anything. Iris watched as he didn't take a sip of the hot beverage in his hands, instead just nursing the to-go cup, bandaged arms peeking out of the sleeves of his sweater, eyes fixated on a spot somewhere on the lid that Iris knew he wasn't really focusing on.

"Dad," she laid a hand on his shoulder, "talk to me."

"Something he said," Joe's voice was barely above a whisper, "I can't get outta my head."

"Daddy, you can't take anything that bastard said to heart," Iris squeezed the shoulder beneath her hand, willing her father to look up at her. Instead Joe sighed, placing the untouched cup on the bedside table to the right of his chair.

"No, it was something Barry said," he spoke, voice strained as his gaze shifted to the pale hand that lay limp in Joe's own atop the mattress. "He said to me that at least it was him that was home instead of you or Wally; like how somehow his pain and suffering was more favorable than yours."

"Dad, you know Barry. He always puts everyone's well-being ahead of his," Iris rubbed slow circles across her Dad's back as she spoke. "Or maybe he just meant because unfortunately as the Flash he's more used to trouble like that than me or Wally."

"Maybe," Joe finally looked up his daughter. "But I can't bear the thought that he doesn't truly know just how important he is to me. I need him to understand that he's my son as much as Wally, as much my child as you. That it's a father's love."

"Dad, Barry knows," Iris' heart broke watching her father swallow down tears. She knew he was still shaken at the thought of almost losing Barry; that with Barry's powers not in play Joe was feeling powerless to help the young man.

"When's the last time I told him how important he was to me? I gave him the watch at Christmas but maybe I didn't say enough. I mean he knows what we mean to each other, what our family we've created means to each other but maybe I haven't said it enough lately. With everything we deal with daily, with everything he's been through, not just as the Flash but as Barry, maybe all the good gets lost in the white noise of the constant chaos that's become his life."

Iris wanted to interject but the lost look in her father's eyes as he watched the slow aided rise and fall of Barry's chest from the bed told her he wouldn't hear just yet.

"It wasn't just his words, Iris. Do you ever notice some of the things he says or does sometimes? His self doubt, this self defeat and almost overall feeling of unworthiness. He knows how smart he is, how extraordinary he is but I think he doesn't deem it nearly as special as what getting struck by that lightning did to him. It doesn't matter how much he's done or how many people he's saved. But its not surprising is it? His mother died in front of him when he was 11, deals with that tragedy his whole life and then is burdened with guilt because he finds out the man that killed her was actually their to kill him. His father gets sent to prison for most of Barry's life and when he finally gets free after Barry dedicates most of his life to getting him out, he takes off, leaving Barry behind again. And he's told me that every time he gets a win he he feels like he loses. It's all too much for any person, to lose like that."

"So remind him what he has," Iris said as she reached into her purse and pulled out a small parcel, handing it to her father. He finally looked up at her, accepting the small paper wrapped package, unwrapping it to reveal the watch Joe had passed on to Barry.

"The orderly gave me Barry's belongings before I left for home. His clothes were stained, I had to toss the shredded t-shirt. But I had the watch professionally cleaned after I left last night and picked it up on my way here this morning," Iris provided as she watched her father run fingers over the pristine glass face and leather of the band of the watch his own father had given him when he was a young man. He had a sad smile on his face that was quickly replaced with a tearful expression.

"Dad, think how long it took Barry to settle with us, to feel like he could be completely open and honest and safe. Despite all our pain and loss, somehow the three of us forged something special, deeper than just father and daughter or friendship or guardianship. We became a team. We made each other a family and a home. We know what we mean to each other. And maybe you're right, maybe we should express it more, especially with Barry who seems to forget how wonderful he is. It doesn't matter how many lives he's saved, how many lives he's changed, he's still that lost boy who got left behind. And now he's lost another part of him, his speed which made him feel whole. So we have to remind him that he's still whole with us."

"This is my fault, Iris," Joe whispered.

"Daddy, it's not," Iris moved herself between the bed and her father's chair, kneeling down in front of Joe.

"That man came into my home, into our home, looking for me and took his anger out on Barry. What if you hadn't called-"

"Dad, stop it," She braced her hands on her father's shoulder. He reached his left hand up to grip her hand, the other still holding onto Barry's atop the bed.

"Now you listen to me," Iris spoke sternly, "None of this is your fault. The only one who can take responsibility for this is that scumbag. He hurt Barry. He hurt you. Do not forget that. Let go of your guilt."

"I can't," Joe spoke quietly, breathing hard around his anger and anguish.

"You have to," Iris lowered her voice, but still keeping that stern quality. "You have to because Barry needs you to be strong for him. And you can't do that if you're feeling guilty. We will get through this together, just like the three of us always have. And now we have even more family by our side too."

She moved a hand to rest atop her father's that still held tight to Barry's, eyes locked onto her father's as he nodded, both of their tears falling. Before anything else could be said they both were startled at the feeling of movement beneath their hands. Shifting their eyes they watched as pale fingers twitched and loosely started to curl around Joe's.


"This is gonna sound strange, but I forgot how awesome pain killers are," Barry smiled a dopey grin at Iris, who was sitting on the edge of the bed beside him as he fidgeting with the tubing of the nasal cannula feeding him oxygen until he accidentally pulled it down from where it had been hooked over his ear.

"You're right, it does sound strange," Cisco laughed from the chair to the left of the bed as he folded his arms over his chest, leaning back in the chair, feet propped up on the mattress. Joe was seated in a chair on the other side of the bed and smiled slightly as Iris slapped Barry's hand away from the tubing, fixing it back to the way it was behind his ear. Barry just glared up at her playfully.

A week had gone by. Barry was seated up in bed, sipping at a cup of water that Iris thrust into his hand after slapping his hand away again from the nasal tubing. It had been a long, difficult week but Barry's condition had been progressing along quickly; for the doctors at least. For Barry, it was too slow. When he wasn't sleeping Barry had spent a good portion of his time in the hospital frustrated that he was confined to bed. Even without his speed he still processed time like a speedster; staying still, even while injured, was a special kind of torture. Not to mention he had become so accustomed to physical pain being temporary thanks to his rapid regenerative healing. On the positive side however, he was also used to injuries being more painful since his metabolism burnt off all painkillers and now without his powers he was granted the perk painkillers provided.

Tomorrow he was being released from the hospital and Barry was excited, to say the least. His friends and family kept reminding him that he had to rest when he got out of here, his body still recovering from the last lingering effects of the pneumonia and the healing stab wound. Iris had forbid Cisco of mentioning the completion of his hologram-Flash idea until Barry was at least a little further along in the healing process. Regardless, they were all in good spirits as they gathered around his bedside.

Iris looked at her father and saw that he was deep in thought. She knew he was still dealing with the guilt of what happened to Barry and their previous conversation was weighing heavily on his mind. Now that Barry was doing better and about to be released, she hoped her father would talk to Barry.

Before she could give much thought on how she could urge her father to initiate the conversation, a loud noise coming from Cisco's stomach stole the attention of the four people in the room.

"Dude!" Barry laughed.

"Okay, boys, Cisco and I are gonna go get something to eat," Iris laughed. "We'll be back soon." Iris grabbed Cisco by the arm and pulled him out of the room.

"Can we get pizza tomorrow when we get home?" Barry turned to Joe, the rumbling of Cisco's stomach reminding him of his own craving. The childlike eagerness brought a smile to Joe's face.

"Tired of the hospital food?" Joe asked.

"Tired of the hospital," Barry answered, fidgeting with the nasal cannula again.

"The doctor said you should be fully recovered in no time, as long as you don't push yourself to quickly," Joe said as sat up in the chair.

"Too quickly, that's funny," Barry nodded slowly, his focus somewhere else as he stared out the window of the hospital room.

"Barry, I didn't mean..." Joe sighed, looking at the young man. Barry turned his head to look back at Joe as his father moved to sit on the edge of the bed beside him.

"I know you didn't mean it like that Joe," Barry sighed as he dropped his hands to the blanket in his lap, idly playing with the edges of the bandages around his wrists. "I just have to adjust to life without my speed. Being in this hospital just reminds me of all of it; of how Caitlin is still missing, of how I can't fight the bad guys any more. If Singh hadn't come with the cops when he did, if Iris hadn't called when she did so you could give her the message…"

"Barry, stop" Joe said softly, interrupting. "Barry none of this is your fault. This one's on me."

"Joe-"

"Barry you were hurt, badly. If I lost you, I…" Joe paused then took a deep breath before continuing. "Barry you gave up your speed to save Wally."

"I'd do it again, Joe. I don't regret saving Wally," Barry quickly interjected.

"I know you don't. Because you're a hero," Joe placed a hand on Barry's blanket covered leg. "But I need you to hear me. I know you know that I love you. You are my son, just like Wally, my child just like Iris. Not third, not last, not because you had to be because I'm your guardian, but because I love you."

Barry looked away again from Joe, emotions flickering across his face as Barry crinkled his brow and bit the inside of his cheek. Joe knew that Barry was feeling vulnerable without his abilities, but Joe also knew, was one of the few people who truly knew, how fragile Barry's self worth was. Joe learned early on from social workers he sought for guidance on taking care of a child suffering a tragedy that losing both parents at an early age often puts children at a risk of losing their sense of self and self worth. Joe knew that he and Iris being a constant presence in Barry's life after he lost everything, that helping him to process his experiences in a safe and loving environment, giving him all the love and support they could fostered a positive place for him to grow and heal through his tragedy and become his own person. But like all scars they still had a part in the story and a fragile self worth was one of Barry's. Sometimes outpouring of affection and pride was difficult for the young man to take without feeling overwhelmed.

"I've never regretted for one minute taking you in. I regret you not being able to grow up with your real father but I do not ever regret being given the opportunity to be another one for you. Not when you were angry and would try to run away, not when you were devastated and struggling to deal. It was tough, for both of us, for the three of us, but we became a family. We saved each other. We'll always save each other."

Barry finally looked back at Joe, his gaze watery, brow furrowed. Joe could see the tears building up in his eyes, but Barry seemed to be in control of them, willing them not to fall down his cheek.

"Joe, I know. I think I've just been feeling lost without my powers. When I said…I just meant that I'd rather it be me instead of Iris or Wally or you. And not because they can't take it or because I'm used to getting knocked around, but because I never want to see anyone I love hurt." As Barry spoke he reached for the hand resting on his blanket covered leg and gripped it tight. "I know how much you love me Joe, I feel the same way. We're family. It's just still hard sometimes when I'm reminded that I don't actually belong to you. But I know you care for me like a son."

Joe leaned forward, placing a strong but gentle hand at the back of Barry's neck. He lined his face right up to Barry's, just inches apart. Barry moved a hand to clasp the forearm beside his face.

"Look at me, Barr," he whispered, Barry meeting his gaze. "Not like a son, you are my son. You do belong. You were chosen. You were wanted. You are in my heart, you are my son, and you are loved."

Barry swiped at his cheek with his palm and then used the back to wipe at the tears rolling from his chin, catching the tears as they fell. Joe kept his hand at the base of Barry's neck but with his free hand, pulled something from his pocket and slid it into the Barry's hand atop his blanket lap. Barry looked down at what Joe had handed him and smiled at the watch, running his thumb over the pristine face, as elated and overwhelmed as he was the first time Joe had given him the heirloom.

"They came to see," Barry said, voice tight and strained from the effort to avoid more tars as he spoke as he looked at the watch, "that family need not be defined merely as those with whom they share blood but for those whom they would give their blood."

"Dickens," Joe said after a long pause, ruffling the back of Barry's hair. He smiled as Barry looked up at him in surprise with his own incredulous smile at Joe's recognition of the quote. Joe moved his hand to Barry's shoulder, giving it a playful shake. "What? You may be the smart guy in the family but you're not the only one who knows things."