Chapter 0.3: Anesthetic Perfection.
As I walked down the empty street, my heels clicking against the cerulean stoned road, I hugged the coat closer to my body as wind gushed towards me sending a shiver down my spine and I shuddered visibly. My whole body was aching; my feet throbbed in my heels and my head was spinning making me wobble after every three minutes. Freaking life and its evils! "Fucking shit!" I cussed under my breath. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach. A Sudden twist in my guts send my thoughts racing to another dimension. I came to a sudden halt. Shit I was fucking going to puke. I couldn't understand the point of my struggle. It seemed useless and aimless. Even though I got a job at Wilkinson's even though I know I'll be all right – but survival seemed a far-fetched approach. A bizarre approach.
Was survival the only thing that human worked day in and day out for? Was I doing the same or was I falling into some other sort of stratum that even I couldn't understand. Is this even enough? Work – Jobs – Rush – Was that it? Just this? I couldn't even understand the verity why was I even thinking about this. Most people would cheer around when the get a new job why was I dwelling inside, sulking inside. There must be another reason for my mood swing I sighed out only to notice that I have stopped walking.
The moon was amazingly bright tonight, with a nice blue hue to it… illuminating the sky and blocking out the stars, stealing the spotlight on the stage above my head. I frowned; if you study moon too hard for too long, it will fall luminous upon you. And with moon in your eyes and 'moon' anchoring your feet, you can never see the stars. Even the moon had a purpose –To dazzle people and tides and that kinda shit that probably Ava knows! I glared at the moon fiercely. Why on earth something so far away was so important to almost everyone. This angered me to no extent that I was the one aimless. I worked for a stupid attorney and that's it. It made me want to rip myself apart in to shreds and pieces. I was self-pitying and loathing. Nothing new so I refused to compose myself anymore. As I let go of my ever so high shields, it was like… trying to stomp a puppy and it was incredibly hard. I couldn't do it anymore.
My head throbbed with my unexpected emotional blasts. It always did- more than often. I sighed out started to walk again and kept my pace even. Since the little incident at the police station – my abrupt delusion - my thoughts and emotional swings were eating me like an insect. What could be more horrifying; the fact that no one was going to believe me as I already was such an eccentric or the fact that I was entirely losing my mind. I stomach squirmed – stress. I was further more assured that I certainly was at the brink of loosing my mind as hallucination as strong as mine disables a person to distinguish between reality and a delusion. The horror of this concept seemed to be the reason behind my – sudden turmoil and insecurity.
Should I even tell the 'three creatures' or simply wait until I'm finished from the inside out. I looked around myself, the night was still young and I could hear the soft zooming of cars on the main road. I closed my puzzled and worried eyes and stood still as my ears became active. This time soft breeze blew over the street, playing with the overly rich nature that encircled as if it was some sort of toy. I could almost hear the wind giggling in delight as it caressed the soft, moist green grass or the leaves of the beautiful, over grown old oak trees that stood silently and firm.
The breeze continued its journey of everlasting play and I could almost hear as it swooshed over the surface of the lake, causing it to create little waves, stirring the nightly peace of the dark water underneath. If anyone had been around to pay attention to this little spectacle, the person would perhaps have sworn to detect some sort of bristling excitement when the wind swept over the grassy hills that then led to a large building, looming in the dark, so near yet so far away. So many open windows to sweep through! Little slits to howl through!
'Stop it!' My brain yelled at me. 'Stop imagining!' I snapped out my mind's eye. Have I lost my control as well now? I stood there doing nothing but breathing, inhaling and exhaling. That's it. I suppose I was even afraid to blink – terrified because my mind was ready to play tricks on. The thought of loosing control made me jittery, overly sensitive and eager to reach home. I started walking again, my pace brisk that was until I heard footsteps behind me. I ceased all my body actions and thoughts at once and immediately thought of turning around to see who it is but then I didn't. What if it was just my – mind again? Besides I didn't own the street, who was I to say who could walk behind me and who couldn't. I ignored it and kept walking.
The charred wind was biting at my cheeks making them itchy, and I knew they must have been extremely red; probably the color fuchsia, if that was even possible.
Then I heard them again. This time I was sure it was no mind trick or a piece of hallucination. They were so real and so close to me. I stopped abruptly and the sound of the quiet 'tap, tap, tap' died as well… Air was caught in my lungs for a slightest of a second and my logic seemed to be over powered by the fear of my chimera. A sudden gush of confrontation took over me as I turned around on my own accord and grimaced as I saw that there was no one there… I could have sworn there was some one…
My frantic eyes swept the street; everything was too still –almost dead. The scorching wind howled sounding like a wail of a creature long dead. Somewhere something scratched. My eyes were wide open scanning the street conscientiously again and again. My thoughts were drenched in horror and fear. Panic seized my chest, clearly aiming to suffocate me. My hysterical eyes fell on a small stone not far from me. I locked my gaze on it and just stared, my forehead automatically folded in a frown.
"I'm being followed by rocks!" My words dripping with infuriation and unwanted rage. "Never heard of that one before."
Bloody paranoia. Shaking my head at my bloody panic/fear attack, I started walking towards my house. What could possibly be hiding behind the bushes or the garbage can – waiting just to attack me –me? Out of all the people on this little green and blue for a planet earth – me. WOW! I'm excited. My thoughts filled with sarcasm. My footsteps were now lazy and thoughtful – even though I wasn't thinking about anything in particular. I yawned and mentally looked forward to nothing but a downy bed and the coolness of the air conditioner. And just then it came again – the petrifying 'tap, tap' of someone else's footstep, just behind me. A shudder slithered up my spine I stopped dead in my track, utterly shocked and scared stiff.
This time panic controlled my senses and I let it control me - deliberately. If I really was being followed, I shouldn't be thinking sane right now. Hell! I shouldn't be thinking at all! I took off my heels, holding them in my hand, I broke into a crazy irrational run before either one; my chimera or those footsteps took hold of me.
Even though I was running as fast as I could, the thought of being caught was fearful enough to fuck the living light out of me. Out of all the emotions, fear was the one that ruled me – terrified me. It grasped me harder than ever and I knew that I wouldn't be able to shake it off. 'There is no such thing as fear' my brain repeated again and again but I refused to believe it. I couldn't even believe my own internal voice. It could and deep down I knew it would end up betraying me. It was this treacherous voice that created delusions and was eager to make me loose my sanity. Or what was left of it.
A fraction of me laughed at my downright paranoia and foolishness, other was just stunned at my vulnerability. This was so not me. I was not that easy to get scared. Not many things frighten me, I'll tell you. Not terrorists, psychopaths, or haunted houses. Never spiders, snakes, rats, or bats. When I was younger, five and a half to be exact, the 'monster' in my closet was practically my best friend. Then I found out it was a sweater. Yeah. It sucks to be me. Now even the sound of a footstep or a whoosh of wind scared the living fuck out of me.
The street was still burning hot from the afternoon sun so naturally it burned my feet as I sprinted towards my house. The only possible place, which - at that time - seemed secure enough. My heart thudded in my ears and the lack of oxygen was slowing me down. But it didn't bother me. The idea of passing out on the street seemed far too anticipating than this hell of mental torture. Insanity – the evil that the most bloodthirsty and staunch men fear. Then fuck! I am a girl not a guy! I should be traumatized which I clearly was.
The lunacy of this situation mocked me internally. Imagine, someone running from nothing in particular. Nothing at all. The person's unruly curly red hair flying in the air as she ran towards her house. The dark- almost black eyes chaotic and wild with terror making her look like a half-crazed person. Expressions gripped with dread and alarm of something horrific and bloodcurdling. Arms and legs working astonishingly together to make the body run in such precision that it seemed unreal and almost impossible. It appeared as if she was running for a marathon and was only inches away from the finish line. Neck craning back to look over her shoulder if there really was someone following her and then quickly looking in front as the fear of confrontation takes over her.
That's me. Running away form absolutely nothing. ZLICH! The abode that I call home came into a clear view and I thanked God. It was only few steps away now. I forced my legs to run faster than my already fast enough speed. The brown ocher door looked at - stared at me as if welcoming me. The golden shimmering doorknob waiting impatiently for me to turn it. In that psychotic moment, the door held some sort of aura that invited me to it, gripped me, it seemed like my key to security and internal bliss and I yearned for it more then anything on this planet.
Panting, I turned the knob with shaky hands and scampered in, closing the door behind me with a bang. I didn't care if it woke my mom up or anyone else in the house. My frenetic orbs scrutinized the dimly lit hallway and the dark staircase leading up to my room. Room can wait – I need to breath. I sat hunched, breathless waiting for my respiratory system to work again – properly and efficiently like it did. I realized that I was still holding my heels in a tight grip and my files clutched to my chest. I swallowed as I loosened my grip. The sudden need for water was raw and throbbing but I avoided it. Thirst can wait. I clumsily climbed the stairs, focusing on each step. I have a phobia for stairs and almost every next thing in the list of non-living things. I slopped my way up and entered my room.
It was a small room but not dingy, with three dark purple wall. One of the four walls was black and painted in hodgepodge of bold red, blue and yellow primary colors. The black carpet looked like a deep trench. My bed had a black eiderdown and the matching set of sheets. Of course, they were messy. A pair of side tables, held lamps with blood red shades that stood like guards on either side of the bed. Books, pencils, skulls, sweets, water bottle, plates and other weird and uncanny things littered my side tables. My clothes, shoes, paintings stewed together – equally cluttered my floor. The lacy black curtains hung limply, obviously needing a good thwacking. My walls were covered in band posters, only two large frames hung on the wall; one frame containing a family picture and the other frame held a picture of me and the three creatures. A decrepit bulletin board was also pinned to the wall, just near my bedside along with a couple of my paintings hanging here and there. A dark, cherry-wood dresser stood in the left corner of the room while the right corner held a small passageway leading towards the bathroom and the closet.
Over all – A fairly cluttered and morbid room.
I dropped my heels and files to the floor, disregarded as I always did. I took of my coat also letting it fall straight to the black carpet. I was in a trance – but very aware of my actions. I slogged towards my bed and jumped on it.
I was getting angry and by every passing second, angrier. Why the fuck was I, even searching for shit like this. I'm not insane. 'Every insane says the something,' my internal voice echoed in a singsong voice.
"Oh shut up!" I said out loud and clapped a hand on my mouth. I shouldn't be talking aloud.
I got off my bed and walked towards the bathroom or as Ava says, 'Restroom.' Rest room is where you rest – lie down or something maybe just sit. How can you call a bathroom a rest room when all you do is pee, shower and shit and at times talk on cell phone that's it.
I switched on the light and stared at my own reflection. I rolled my eyes, walked towards the shower tap, and turned it around, the water started to flow like rain falling. I walked back towards the mirror and blinked at myself. My black brown eyes were staring at me. I frowned at the dullness and commonality of my eye color. I hate my eye color. My hair - a nest of curls - wild and blown away. They were too frizzy that the hair iron refused to work its wonders. They were not shiny or glossy but rough and gave me an edgy and eager look. My lips were weird the upper one was too big and the lower one to small but at least they had a pout. My face was neither a circle nor an oval, I guess somewhere in between but now that I was staring at it, It looked more like square.
I sighed. I was exhausted.
I touched my face, my eyes still staring into my own orbs. Fatigue was evident on my face and in my eyes. I blinked and stared in them again. For a modicum of second, I though my iris changed. I blinked again. This time I stared carefully and intentionally. Nothing happened. Mind trick!
Then it hit me, the concentrated dose of pain, just a quick brush knocking me off my feet. I quickly caught hold of the sink. This is it.
The same darkness was creeping over my mind again, making me loose my control. A wave of panic consumed me as the mirror immaterialized into nothing but darkness. I was once again, floating into some sort of endless pit. The only difference was this time I was aware of the fact that this was happening. I ordered my brain to control it, to stop it. To relax! Nevertheless, no result came back. I was struggling to keep myself from that ditch, trying to find my way up. All my efforts were futile.
Slowly, very slowly halo of light opened itself up to me. My eyes automatically squeezed shut to shield itself from the nauseating brightness. I hastily opened my eyes. The darkness sickened me. Everything was in a slow motion. I could see a room and a nurse hunched down, spreading someone's belongings out on the floor from a suitcase. The contents of the suitcase were on display for everyone on the floor. As more light seeped in, I realized that I was sitting on a sofa. I was the person. The nurse kept on taking out the rest of the belongings out of the suitcase, needlepoint, raincoat, nail clipper, needlepoint, and tweezers. Everything.
What the hell is going on?
"You don't have to stay here while we do this?" The nurse sitting cross-legged on the floor took out a hairdryer and placed it in a basket that already contained other everyday objects.
"We explained it to you when you checked in that everyone's suitcase has to be inspected, it's nothing personal. Some people find it easier to let us do this and then we bring them the thing they're allowed." The nurse continued.
I felt my lips move but no voice came in, my lips moved. I couldn't listen to what I was saying, why was I even saying anything when I didn't want to, didn't mean to, didn't even send a message to my brain for speaking. Everything was working on its own accord and it petrified me.
"It's for your own protection." The nurse replied. 'We just go through here and take anything that might be dangerous and we set it aside. After the inspection, we take all the things and put them in a basket with your name on it…"
Why the hell is she taking down to me? Who am I? I mean I know who I am but who I am in this – hallucination.
"…that bin then goes into the sharp closet,: the nurse continued, "and anytime you need to use something from your bin you just need to come find one of us and we'll help you out. You might find it easier, though, to let us do this by ourselves."
"Why are you talking my needlepoint," The voice came at a high octave, angry and it was me who was saying it. "I'm making a pillow."
I've never made any pillows for anyone.
"It has a needle?" the nurse answered in an up-speak. "You can work on it only if you're supervised."
Automatically, my face turned to my left and stared at a girl – a girl that I've never seen before. Her hazel eyes staring at me, her face masking the same bewilderment and terror that my face was depicting. Her jaw dropped down, mirroring the horror that was suffocating me. Was she also – a patient of hallucination? Was that even possible? Knots formed in my stomach and a sudden wave of nausea invaded me.
"Okay that's ridiculous," The fury unleashed itself in my – her voice. "Give me back my needlepoint. It's not sharp. It's not dangerous."
"Um, well, we need to run a test on it."
"My arse you're going to run test on it." The voice was high pitched now, almost like shriek. The girl sitting on my left put a hand on my shoulder – and I felt her touch. I flinched or what was left of my sanity flinched. I couldn't stand this anymore! I couldn't take this… I wanted to get away, snap out of it. Put something harder than iron grasped at my feet, rooting me deep into my mirage, my hallucination, illusion, delusion. Whatever you want to call it.
"Get your hands off my shoulder, MaryAnn." I whipped around to face the girl called MaryAnn. "I know what you trying to say, Lilly shut up. Mind your manners Lilly. Stop it Lilly."
MaryAnn? Who's MaryAnn? I've never known any MaryAnn. Never in my life. It's an illusion. You are not supposed to know anyone in it. Remember you are loosing your mind.
Lilly? I'm not Lilly. My name is Emily Iris Evans. NOT LILLY! My delusion named me Lilly. Was my name Lilly? No! Stop doubting yourself – my inside screamed and wrenched. I could feel it, my mind trying to cope with what I was experiencing. Although, it was terrifying but in a strange way it charmed me, captivated me – choked me
I saw MaryAnn withdraw her hand quickly and took a step back.
"What MaryAnn? You think I'm going to hurt you?" The voice came astonished and shocked this time. A particular emotion drenched the voice – hurt.
MaryAnn's eyebrows stretched across her forehead in mock fear, she addressed more to the nurse than to me or whoever I was. "I just don't know you anymore,
Lilly. How do I know what you're going to do next?"
"What I'm trying to say, Lilly –" the nurse goes from friendly to firm "- is that we simply run a quick electrical test on it and we'll return it to you by tonight. Tomorrow at the latest."
I felt steadying myself in a doorway.
"We'll get it right back to you."
I couldn't register when the hell did I get up from the sofa and walked up to the doorway. Even in that illusion, there was some sort of memory glitch. I felt my body sliding down the doorframe and collapsing into a heap at the base of the doorway.
"Alright! That's enough, Lilly." MaryAnn stood right next to my – Lilly's crumpled body. "Let's go outside for a minute and talk about this."
"Ma'am." It was the inspection nurse again "Um. She's not allowed to go outside anymore. She doesn't have her privileges anymore. She must stay in all the time."
I could feel Lilly's powerful stunned emotions and the wetness of her eyes – tears.
"What…" Her voice came out strangled as her head snapped towards the nurse. The fog of security that enveloped her self - dissipated.
"You have checked in so you cannot go outside. Your caseworker will be here any minute to explain all this to you," The nurse returned to her inspection.
"MaryAnn –" I could feel that Lilly's breathing was shallow – my breathing was getting shallow. She reached towards MaryAnn and tried to stand up at the same time.
"Yes?"
"Let's go," Simplicity in her voice strangled me. "Let's get out of here. Do you have the car keys?" MaryAnn looked from Lilly to the nurse, unsure of what to do.
Another nurse who – just appeared out of nowhere turned to me – turned to Lilly.
"Alright sweetie." Her voice was craggy but gentle as if she felt pity for Lilly. Her tone betrayed a hint of resignation, as if she dealt with theses kind of situations everyday. "Let's sit down for second." She tried to lead Lilly away from MaryAnn, away from the front door. Lilly pulled her arm away and focused on MaryAnn.
"MaryAnn? The Car Keys?" It was clear on MaryAnn's face that Lilly's stare burned a hole in her soul. I could feel the choking sensation in my neck, as if trying to keep a vomit down. Lilly – the illusion – my delusion, saw MaryAnn, standing still, refusing silently to search for the car keys in her cavernous bag.
"MaryAnn? MaryAnn? Please, MaryAnn, Please take me home." I could listen to the vulnerability and desperation clear in Lilly's voice, in her words. Her eyes started to flow with tears as the nurse lead MaryAnn to the door. "NO! No, MaryAnn! I've changed my mind. I don't want to come here, MaryAnn. I've changed my mind. Are you listening, MaryAnn? MaryAnn?
"Please…MaryAnn, please…" Lilly was begging now. I wave of shock and disgust crashed over me or Lilly I couldn't distinguish, I wasn't able to.
A skull thrashing pain hit me square and just like before the picture shattered into million pieces. It ripped itself apart into trash, into nothingness. The pounding ache opened up - this time ferociously, cruelly crushing my brain into oblivion. The wild scalding flashes of pain exploded repeatedly until it tore me into two, ripping me open. My inside screeched and throbbed as waves of pain crashed into me, faster than before, stronger than before - selflessly killing me.
I felt cold – ice cold. Then the coldness rushed high into my already throbbing head. My heart was frozen underneath my chest. I could feel the lack of oxygen and I knew that I was going to choke. And then it restarted, faster than –faster than the day I saw him – faster than ever, my heart's ragged rhythm was drumming into my skull. The beat was anxious and rough.
The world – the restroom – the bathroom that once vanished into a cold, perpetual darkness slowly danced towards me. The numbness that cushioned me splintered like a mirror into million pieces and my senses unleashed from that shattered mirror galloping towards me at an incredible pace. First came the vision – whiteness raided the darkness – another flash of pain. Then came the hearing aid, confused and broken. Smell- empty and humid. Taste – Bitter as blood. Lastly touch – cold and wet. For milliseconds, I failed to comprehend where I was.
I huffed out aloud just like you do when you come out of water. My eyelids felt heavy. My throat sore and raw, tonsils aching excruciatingly. I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling of the bathroom. The rain like sound of shower filled the small room along with humidity. Something soothingly cool enveloped around my fingers. My first thought was – blood, my fingers twitched and I brought my hand to my face slowly. I looked at it but saw nothing but the translucent water. The bathroom was flooded with water.
I didn't want to move a limb. Something else - seized me now. It was the horrible sense of nothingness – numbness. I could feel it wrapping me delicately but I didn't bother to fight it. I was too exhausted. I refused to blink my eyes anymore, refused to speak or even it up. The water kept on flowing and the humidity kept on rising. My thoughts escaped me, my internal voice was died and there was nothing within me. My mind was a blank slate, my eyes were glazed and my breathing shallow. Shallow enough to pass me for a dead person.
I was still for the longest time in my life. Nothing worked together – body – mind soul. Nothing. I was anesthetized to the core of my soul, sedated to no extent.
Anesthetic Perfection.
