The lobby of the Palmwoods was unnaturally empty. Well, it was 11:30, but usually some people were down here. It was scary. The lights were on for the most part, and I could hear Mr. Bitters in his office, but that was about it. I casually walked to the elevator, too exhausted o walk even two flights. The button light and up and the whir of machinery started. I leaned against the wall and rubbed between my eyes.
I had let it happen. I let a simple crush on her turn into something worse, something reckless. We definitely weren't thinking when we decided to do this, because it was all so horribly planned. Disappearing with Kelly for like 5 hours? Yeah, that's not suspicious at all. I didn't even know what to think, what anyone would think. My heart dropped at the thought of facing Logan. Logan, my boyfriend. The one I loved. The one who loved me, and would never do such to me. I felt conceited to think that Logan's heart would be shattered, but I knew it would. We both knew it would, but we let our urges take over instead. I can't imagine ever gaining Logan's trust again, to ever feel his touch, or his kiss. I couldn't imagine Logan ever wanting to look at me again, and at that thought, I wanted to take the elevator to the roof and just never think about it again.
The elevator opened after what seemed like hours, and I pressed two, much to my dismay. The elevator closed and started to move up. I straightened my wrinkled and messy clothes to look at least slightly acceptable. Once I decided I looked fine, the doors opened, and I shuffled my way to 2J. The door looked very uninviting and gloomy. I took keys out my pocket and unlocked the door.
I opened the door. Not many lights were on, just the one in the kitchen. I didn't want to know who was in the kitchen, I just wanted to get by them. I closed the door, sniffed, then locked it. A utensil clicked against a plate, as if the person didn't care whether or not I came in or not. I walked towards the kitchen, since getting to my room was impossible without doing so.
"Carlos." Kendall called out, eating another spoonful of cereal. I froze, then swiveled around. Kendall was looking down into his bowl, nothing saying anything and taking his sweet time eating the cereal. The tension in the room was suffocating. The semi-darkness of the house reminded me of Kelly's apartment, and I adjusted my footing so I wouldn't fall over from a sudden jolt of feeling light-headed.
"I don't get it." he finally said, leaning back on his chair. He hooked his fingers into one another and put them behind his head. He situated his feet, and turned his head to face me. The look in his eyes was one of disgust and questioning. I wanted to cry, but nobody would take pity on me. It felt like such an asshole for wanting it, knowing this was completely my fault and I deserved nothing close to human compassion. I held back my tears and felt a lump grow in my throat. I shifted my weight on both feet.
"What are you talking about?" was all I would say in response. Kendall sighed and ended that sigh with a chuckle. He leaned forward and took another spoonful of cereal in his mouth. He seemed to be examining the taste and texture of the cereal. He put his feet up on the table and looked at me once again.
"Don't fuck with me, Carlos." he said simply. My stomach twisted around itself. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I felt sick, so I closed my mouth and took in a shaky breath. Kendall was not moving, just staring straight into my eyes, the same look of disgust and questioning, but now it was sort of teasing. This induced my sickness. I bit my bottom lip to distract myself.
"Just the fact that it was so obvious. That's what gets me. Of course not to Logan over there," he said, jabbing his thumb in the direction of me and Logan's room. "who thinks you're freakin' Jesus or something, didn't think anything of it. It's just the fact that he'd eat up any excuse you would feed him, Carlos. That's how much he loves you, dude. He refused to even connect two and two, I mean... Carlos." Kendall chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. My legs felt like they fold underneath me at any moment, and I could feel cold sweat on my forehead. I wanted to run away. I wanted to at least go puke. I wanted to hold Logan and erase any doubts from his mind. I wanted to lie to fix everything. I wanted so much, and I couldn't even move. Kendall finally stopped his head shake and looked at me again.
"How could you take advantage of him like that Carlos?" he finally asked, the icy tone from his voice gone. He just wanted to know why. I couldn't give him an answer.
"Carlos, he loves you. I don't know about you, but I know right now my best friend is in there, sleeping and having full faith in you. I can't believe you would do this, Carlos. If were to ever find out, I don't even know. I don't. I can't even imagine how he'd feel." he started again. It took so much energy to put walk those two step to grip the end of the table. My legs were shaking. My arms were shaking. My whole body was working on it's on.
"Don't think I hate you, Carlos. I'm just so pissed at you. I'm just in disbelief. I never expected you'd do something so selfish Carlos, and you need to fix this. I can't believe you." he finally finished. I took in a deep breath and everything came up and out of my throat and onto the table. I just leaned over and barfed on my side of the table. I coughed, and finally slid to the floor, sobbing. I wiped my mouth with my sweater sleeve and continued sobbing. Kendall made no advance to comfort me. He said nothing. He stayed in the same position he was in before, just staring at me like I was something on the bottom of his shoe. I couldn't stop myself form sobbing. Every breath I took brought in a harder sob until I had become silent. I started coughing crazily, and afterwards continued to cry. I couldn't stop myself. My body had completely grown a life of it's own. The crying had continue for god knows how long. It had continued until I was curled up on the floor, only emitting hoarse whimpers.
Kendall had not moved. I finally fell silent. I didn't want to get up, but I knew I had to. I didn't want to face everyone who knew, what their reactions would be, how'd they treat me afterwards. I didn't want to break it to Logan, but I knew I had to. I didn't want to face Kelly, or have to live with myself until this all blew over. I didn't want to do so many things, but I had to move. I pushed myself up and put myself into a sitting position.
"It was just supposed to be one night, Kendall." I finally said, barely above a whisper. I turned to face him. He looked unimpressed, but I didn't care.
"It was supposed to be worthless, and something to be forgotten as fast as it was decided. I... got caught up in the moment. I didn't know what I was dong beforehand. You know how impulsive I am. I wasn't thinking. As always. I didn't know much one night could effect my life, Kendall. Trust me, I would take every single thing back if I could. I don't want to lose Logan. I love him. I love him so much. If I lose him, I don't know what I'd do, Kendall, I don't know. Would there even be a reason to wake up? To live? Kendall, Logan is my world. I guess, I guess I needed something else. I don't know why. I had everything here. I just wanted more. Selfish, yes. Impulsive, yes. I regret this, you can't even imagine. An hour of honestly, mind-blowing sex wasn't worth him, Kendall, and I don't know what to do. I don't. I don't. I can't even begin to think of what to do." I recited weakly. Kendall had his face in his hands. I stood up and clung to the wall.
"I'm going to bed. Night." I said, and dragged myself in the room's direction. I sensed no movement coming from the kitchen. I didn't know what to think. I just wanted to go to bed.
I opened the door and instantly peeled off my clothes. I located my pajamas, slid them on, and placed myself in my bed. The room was also dim, but I didn't want to look at Logan, not yet. I curled into my sheets and feel asleep within 5 minutes.
[Page Break]
"You smell like puke and fabric softener." Logan said over me. I blinked into consciousness and looked up to see Logan hovering over me. His face was scrunched up in disapproval and disgust, instantly reminding of Kendall's look toward me. I shivered.
"He- hey." I said, stretching and trying to make sense of this new day. Suddenly, Logan slapped my arm with such viciousness, I was forced to wake up. I yelped and fell off of the bed awkwardly.
"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?" he barked, his eyes wide open. My blood ran cold as I searched his eyes. It didn't seem like he knew anything, or even suspected, so I relaxed.
"I left." I said, trying to be as vague as possible. I still couldn't stand thinking of lying to Logan.
"Oh really? I thought you were just hiding." Logan mocked, rolling his eyes at me.
"I couldn't stand it in there, so I just left, I guess." I said, not really adding to my previous statement.
"Why didn't you answer your phone?" Logan sniffed. I shrugged.
"It was dead." I claimed. Now I was lying. I always have my phone on and charged, no matter what. It was like my lifeline. My lungs tightened at Logan's trusting demeanor. He shook his head at me and laughed.
"Carlos, Carlos, Carlos. I hope you know Gustavo is super pissed." he sighed and started to collect clothes.I stood up, brushed past him and locked myself in the bathroom. I wanted to cry. He didn't ask any more questions, to my vague answers. He didn't suspect a thing. He completely trusted me, would never suspect a thing. The fact that I was staking advantage of him, his trust, and I was too much of a bitch to admit it to him was starting to slowly kill me. I started to feel as if I'd rather have him know than to feel this way. Than for him to find out the wrong way. For his heart to be broken 2 times worse than it needed to be.
'Tonight." I mumbled to myself, hardly audible over Logan's quiet hum. I walked out of the bathroom.
[Page Break]
I strode into Rocque Records in my usual attire. Something simple, casual, but businessy. My hair was impossibly straight, trying to burn all fingerprints and proof of last night from my hair. My shoes were a little tighter than necessary, and they also happened to be heels, which heightened the pain. It was something to distract me. My makeup was flawless today, as was my stride. I had to feign how I was actually feeling, or else I'd be dragging myself by the face along the floor.
My stomach started doing flips as I neared Gustavo's office. It's aura was ominous, scary. I didn't want to go anywhere near it, but to start my day I had to at least pass it. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders.
Face up to what you did, Kelly.
I walked nervously across Gustavo's office. My legs felt like jelly, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to support myself. However, I kept on walking like a normal person. One of the reasons why I loved my adult life is that it's so easier to fake everything. You could basically bullshit your way in and out of everything. This situation, however, I wasn't so sure about. Even though it was based on an assumption, it could easily be proven, and the situation was so serious I could get time. My hope started to drop every second, ever step.
"Ke-lly." Gustavo called, almost in a teasing manner. I stopped in my tracks, turned on my heels, winced, and entered his office. I pulled my bag closer to my shoulder as I neared his desk. His expression didn't say anything good. I pushed a piece of hair behind my ear and blew out a shaky breath.
"Gustavo." I said, surprisingly strong. He dropped his pen onto the desk and leaned his face into his hands. I gulped silently.
Deny everything. Deny everything.
"So, where'd you go yesterday?" he asked simply. My breath had caught in my throat. I had nothing to say. I had thought of ways to avoid this, and how to explain it, but I had no excuses. Not at all. And eeeervybody knew Kelly Wright wasn't the best on making things up on the spot. I coughed and audibly took in a shaky breath.
"My niece called. She was stranded in the middle of the highway... uh, road trip craziness." I choked out. I thought for a second. Ok, good, I did have a niece. My confidence went up, but only a little.
"Ahhhh. Did you know Carlos ditched just around the same time you went to get your niece?" Gustavo said, as if this was news. He knew it wasn't. And my niece was 2 and a half months. He knew that. I tucked my hair behind my ear and stood up straighter. I didn't know how this would help, but it made me feel less like a scandalous bitch and more of a classy one.
"Oh wow, really? Such a co-inky-dink." I said, giggling slightly and sitting in the chair behind me. I looked up at him. "Where did he turn out to be?" I asked, probably way too cocky. Gustavo raised his eyebrow and opened a drawer. He went digging, then pulled out his "dog phone", as he liked to call it. He had a phone for every damn thing. He put the phone down, stared at me, then averted his eyes to my shoulder.
"What's that?" he asked, now pointed at my arm. I looked over and my shoulders and pretended I did not see any bite marks. Who the hell bites someone's shoulder anyway? WHAT IS THE POINT IN THAT?
Before I could decline anything, Gustavo focus was on his phone. Half of my body went up in goosebumps. I had no idea what was going on, but I was sure it wasn't good. Gustavo seemed to find what he was looking for, configured it, pressed a button and put the phone down.
One saved message from *Carlos Garcia* sent at *5:37pm*.
I actually found it quite irritating that we'd be soooo lucky as to accidentally butt call Gustavo while having sex with the kid. I didn't even think that was an actual thing. I closed my eyes and lowered my head as last night replayed loudly in his large office. I wanted to go back to my office, back to yesterday. I wanted to never make Carlos dance with me. To never even go after him when he went to the bathroom. I wanted to go back to a few weeks ago, when these stupid feelings started sprouting. I wanted to erase everything, but I couldn't. I still loved him, and that was that. He was sixteen. He wasn't in love with me, his hormones were just running high. He just wanted me. Just thinking like that caused unwanted tears to stream down my cheeks. I was crying over a boy. Literately, a boy, one that was 16. Legally, I was a statutory rapist. In court, they'd say "He's only 16, he can be influence by anyone right now." They'd say, "His impulsively took over, and he's not to blame. She is just a manipulative pedophile, and should be incarcerated right now". And they'd win. They'd win, because it was all true. I was a manipulative pedophile that needed to stay away from him. Carlos couldn't have possibly known what he wanted, not right now. He just knew he was horny and he needed to get off. How could I be so fucking stupid? How could I think he loved me back?
The voicemail had stopped. The office was scary quiet. I wanted to talk, and then again I didn't. I wanted to melt, to not exist anymore. The embarrassment of it all washed over me. To open my eyes would mean facing the world. I never wanted to do that. If it were possible, I would stay in Gustavo's chair forever, just hiding from everyone. Too bad he spoke.
"Your niece is probably still waiting for you, hun." Gustavo chuckled, putting the phone away. I opened my eyes and more tears rolled out. I didn't even bother wiping them. I had no dignity anymore, what was the point? I might as well had just walked out here naked today. Gustavo's amused expression crumbled into a trouble one. He picked up the same pen he had before and started to fiddle with it once more. I knew my eyeliner was running as well as my nose. I knew I looked crazy. I didn't care anymore.
Gustavo finally dropped the accursed pen and faced me. I dull chill went down my spine as he faced me. He only had that same look in his eyes twice, the other time being when he stared down his business phone as the nursery home his 97-year-old mother lived in called. The other time was happening.
"If this were to get out, this whole company would get a bad rep. It could even just die, just like that. I don't think you grasp how serious this really is." he finally said, looking down at his table. I shrugged. I knew exactly how serious it was, but it's hard to form words when you're emotionally distraught and ready to just give up.
"I think you should... you should pack up your office stuff..." Gustavo said, trailing off. I picked up my bag, and placed it on my shoulder. I walked up to his desk, pulled out my Rocque Records ID and placed it on his desk pleasantly. I gave him a pathetic smile and sniffed. I turned on my heel and started to walk when he called my name.
"Wait! You don't want to say bye or anything? To anyone?" he asked, mostly pleading. I turned around and gave him the same pathetic smile.
"That just makes it official." I sighed. "That just makes it real. Gustavo, I've been your assitant for 4 years. I came here, fresh out of college. I never thought I'd land a job like this. Well, these 4 years have been... eventful ones, let's just say that. I love all of you. Of course, I didn't think I'd go like this, not in the least. But I am, and I can't face it right now. So, no, Gustavo, I don't want to say do all the dramatic goodbye crap. As if my dignity isn't low enough." I said, wiping a bit of tears flowing again.
I saluted him, the first thing I did when I first entered this office. I turned around again, opened the doors and walked out of the office. I passed my office, and didn't even bother. I clomped loudly down the stairs, into the lobby. The doorman was sitting in his usual chair, reading his usual paper. I whisked past him and out of the godforsaken building.
Halfway down the block, I looked back. That building held so much memories, ones I'd never forget. It deserved a proper departure. I wanted to go back in, hug everyone, sob, have everyone hand me flowers. I stopped myself from walked back. I just wanted this to be quick and painless. I wanted to be forgotten as easy as possible. I didn't want anyone seeing my face around there anymore. I'd never see Gustavo, Freight Train, or Griffin anymore. I'd never see the Big Time Rush boys, ever, except on TV, or maybe one day at a concert or signing. I didn't want to face them again. They probably thought of me as the home-wrecker anyway. I was severing all my connections to that building. I wanted it to never exist. I wanted to go back to my studio, where I found the opening the newspaper. I wanted to dismiss that opening and look for another job. I wanted so much that would never happen. I couldn't take anything back.
As I walked away, I thought about Carlos. I was leaving him, too. There was a part of me screaming, kicking, crying, trying to convince me to go back to see him. They'd probably be arriving any time now. However, the rational part of me objected. I didn't need to torture him like that. I had already convinced him of having feelings he probably didn't. I had already stolen from him. What more could I do to the poor child? He didn't need to see me again. Teenage mistakes are to be forgotten and learn from. I hoped he could learn from me. I hope I had done one good thing in these past 24 hours.
[Page Break]
Something wasn't right. Something was off. A lot was off, in fact. I couldn't focus on Logan or anything for more the five seconds without my mind drifting off. I was childishly clingy towards Logan since this morning, clawing on to his arm 24/7, turning his head at look at me every second he wasn't and babbling endlessly. James wouldn't talk to me at all, not even make eye contact, and Kendall was just basically silent. I felt alone, and I felt bad for stealing the restless attention from the one I was cheating on.
However, it wasn't that kind of off. The studio aura was stifling. Kendall and James talked grimly about me, I could tell, so I grabbed Logan again. He tensed, and I could see one of his eyes roll. He turned and smiled down at me.
"What?" he said viciously, which I was not expecting. His eyes wandered off a bit so he could roll them a second time, and I turned his face to look at me.
"That was mean. Why are you being meann, Logan?" I whined and hugged his arm. He tried to wriggle away, but I sunk my nails into his arm tighter, and he knew if he tried to move now there would be no hope for his skin.
"Carlos, whats with the random cling?" he asked. James snorted. He turned to look at him, and I violently turned his head again. I released his arm and hugged around his waist.
"Because I love you, Logan, don't you love me? You love me right?" I pestered.
"Yes, yes, yes! CHILLAX." he screamed, and scooted away. I then realized both James and Kendall were glaring at me furiously. I wanted to melt into my sweater, or just up and leave again. However, Gustavo finally walked in, followed by Griffin. They were frantically discussing, except it looked more like desperate pleas from Gustavo and rage from Griffin. This did nothing to better the situation. I wanted to barf again, but that would solve nothing. I just let my stomach jump around. Finally, Griffin tore away from Gustavo, huffed, fixed his suit and left the room (not forgetting to slam the door). Gustavo sort of stood there for a second, flustered, then turned to us, red and disoriented.
"Uh, uhm..." Gustavo said into the microphone. He stopped talking and rubbed his face vigorously. Something was terribly wrong. Where was Kelly? My stomach dropped from lack of information and an ominous feeling. I looked up to see Gustavo glaring at me from over his hands. He knew. My barf sat in the middle of throat. He finally cleared his throat and spoke.
"Ok, so I fired Kelly this morning." he finally coughed up. Half of my body went up in goosebumps. Of all the things I worried about, that wasn't one of them. Not at all. Everyone perked up, disbelief splayed across their faces.
"Ah... wha-?" Logan stuttered. Behind him, Kendall and James stared at me hatefully. I could see them in my peripherals, and it made me feel like nothing. They looked like they didn't know me anymore, like I was just some random member of their group that happened to get Kelly fired and cheat on their best friend. I don't think I even knew myself anymore. Even Gustavo was glaring at me. Logan didn't seem to notice this.
"Yeah, we could have the whole statutory rape thing on our hands. Griffin would fire us faster than you could say 'Minnesota'." Gustavo grumbled softly, avoiding eye contact with Logan. James and Kendall started waving their arms, but they were too late anyway. It felt as if my heart stopped beating, just stopped existing in general. I wasn't breathing, but it was uncomfortable. I watched as Logan scrunched up his eyebrows, then rolled his eyes and turned to face James.
"Really?" he asked. James' eyes grew wide.
"What? NO! I was the one who was WITH you from 5 to midnight." James scoffed, squinting angrily at me, intently. I guess he decided to ignore Kendall's request to make as unnoticeable. I noticed Kendall ignored his own advice as he gave Logan a knowing look. He glanced at James and Gustavo, all whom avoiding looking at him. Nobody wanted to witness him breaking.
He finally turned to look at me, and I could tell he still couldn't put two and two together. Then, one by one, he started to realize what had happened. What was so simple, yet so mind-blowing to him. His face went from "Wow, how didn't I get that before?" to "This isn't happening." I couldn't bring myself to not look at him. Goosebumps once again sprang up across my body as Logan shook his head slowly.
"This is bullshit." he finally mumbled, then got up from his chair so violently it basically flew to the floor. Everyone jumped as Logan slammed his way out of the studio and I finally stood up.
"Wait!" I yelled, all of my regular human sensations coming back to life. My heart, absent before, was not present and pounded against my ribcage as I sprinted in the direction of Logan. My legs felt numb, but they kept moving after Logan running away. Suddenly, he stopped, and I almost crashed into him. I realized we hadn't been running for more than 5 seconds. It felt like forever.
At first, he had looked as if he wanted to kill me in the worst way. To watch me suffer and die. To laugh as I begged for another chance. To be amused as I savored my last breath. His eyes were hatred searing through my entire body, and it wasn't pleasant. Then his face crumpled as his burst into tears and slid to the floor. I'd rather him hate me than this, any day. At least I wouldn't have to see the results of what I caused.
I got down with him and shook his shoulders without thinking. He threw a punch at me, hard, but I managed to move in time. I wiped his face with the sleeve of the sweater I let him borrow this morning and looked up at me with red rimmed eyes.
"Just... why did you do it?" he asked, almost silently. I could have named so many reasons, I could have spoken forever on the theories on why I had had sex with Kelly. But I couldn't get words out. Me, Carlos, for once, had nothing to say.
"WHAT? YOU CAN'T ANSWER NOW? BECAUSE I BET YOU HAD A LOT OF REASONING WHEN YOU DECIDED TO DO IT." He screamed suddenly, not so quiet now. I opened my mouth to say there really wasn't any reason, it was a mutual type thing, but Logan punched me in the nose. I decided not to share my thoughts.
"Because, the thing is, it would be different if it was just you being hormonal and Kelly being the manipulative whore she is. But it's not. And don't even say it was, because I know it wasn't, Carlos. The way you would look at her, talk to her, shiver every thing she got within 5 inches of you. I'm finally putting everything together, and I should have known weeks ago. But what would I do? What could I do?" he spoke, not specifically to me, but out loud. He buried his head in his sleeves again and made some sort of strangled noise. I cradled my gushing nose and watched Logan's shoulders shake with silent sobs. I wanted to hold him, but I knew I didn't deserve that privilege anymore. I didn't feel the impact of the punch, but I figured it must have been pretty hard judging on how splotchy my shirt and the floor had become.
For a few seconds, we just sat there, extremely awkwardly. Finally, I heard the guys and Gustavo coming closer to where we ran. Logan shot up wordlessly and whisked around the corner within a few seconds. I was too blank to move. They approached where I was, and stopped to stare at me for about half a second and turned a corner. No bye, or what happened, or where's Logan, or this is all your fault. It was like I was some stranger on the street. Like they didn't even try to give a fuck anymore I slowly let myself fall sideways and allowed tears to stream down and mix with the blood from my nose.
It was only one night.
