Chapter 4: "It's All About Staring at Her Ass!"
Alice and I trudged along in silence toward the research station. She reached into her apron and handed me a wad of one-hundred dollar bills as if they were no more than a handful of change. "You'll need these to pay for your passage back to Australia and then back to the U.S." There were at least fifty bills in the wad.
"Where did you get all this?" I asked.
"Where else? From asshole. You wouldn't believe how much cash that guy had stuffed into his clothes when I snatched him from Shanghai. I'm sure it was parking meter change to him. He sure got rich off of me!"
We trudged along another minute in silence, and then a solid block of water fell out of the sky and landed on Alice knocking her down on her caboose.
"Damn! I hate it when that happens! Somebody just drowned me in Mystifying Madness. Oh, well. It beats getting eaten by snarks." Alice was soaked from head to foot and her clothes were sticking to her. Alice stood up.
"Whoa!" I couldn't help staring. For all the jokes about Alice being scrawny in the game, it was now abundantly clear that the girl had an ass.
Alice noticed me staring and then grinned. Why was she grinning? I understood when she slapped me on my ass. "My ass may be big," Alice said, "but yours is even bigger." I gave the old Brazil a shameless jiggle in her face.
"There's a reason game developers like to use women as lead characters in third-person shooters. It's all about staring at her ass! I cursed American for giving me this big caboose, but as people played the game, I realized that it was a blessing. Seriously. With people always using my dress to ride air currents, my center of gravity has to be below the waist. If I were shaped like Lara, I'd flip upside down every time and go plummeting to who knows where!"
"Hmm...," I said. "That certainly makes sense." I was still staring. I couldn't help it. It was so unexpected. The rest of Alice was quite slim. Too slim in my opinion.
"It's a blessing in another way, as well. People are always jumping me two stories in the Skool. If I didn't have this built-in seat cushion, I'd die for sure when they do that. As it is, I land on my feet, fall backwards, bounce on the seat cushions, and I'm right back up!" Alice slapped her behind, grinning. "American actually did me a favor!"
"Splat!" Lara landed right in front of us. This time she stopped bouncing. Alice snatched away her BFG and asked, "Are you going to do your usual, Lara?" Lara shook her head up and down and ran off in the direction of the underground prison we had just left.
"Lara is always extremely horny after bouncing on her boobs for awhile. I don't know what it is, but she just goes crazy!"
"So why is she going back to the prison?"
"She drags American out of his cell and has her way with him. He doesn't like it much."
"What??? You're kidding! Doing Lara Croft would be the ultimate fantasy of most gaming geeks!"
A long, loud howl of agony came from the prison.
"Yup," said Alice. "Lara's workin' him over good!"
"Why would he object?" I was truly mystified.
"Don't you know?" said Alice, slapping her behind. "American's an ass man!"
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End of Chapter 4
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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) holds the copyrights.
