There's just so many things
that I can't touch I'm torn
Hunter pressed him firmly back against the couch, brushed stray strands of ash blond away from Shawn's neck in order to claim his throat with his mouth. He dropped light kisses soothingly against blemished skin, let out a shuddering sigh of yearning as Shawn arched his back with a desperate whimper trying to keep the solace Hunter's lips gave him.
Hunter leant back, straddled the elder man so that he was able to gaze down. He traced a finger over Shawn's Adams apple, brought it to a halt at the base of his neck.
Shawn lay beneath him, heart hammering profusely in his chest as the panic battled to override the rationality. He was waiting for the tender to turn torturous, for the loving caress to becoming a tight and unyielding grasp. Even if it was Hunter, he wouldn't fault him for wanting to punish him. For wanting to extinguish the badness that resided in his rotten soul.
There's a hand hovering over his mid-section, drifting lower, until its beneath his waistband.
Hunter's hand traced the path, not knowing the number of predecessors that had already woven eager fingers.
Raspy croaks of approval, almost salivating at the thought of such rapture.
Shawn wrestled for Hunter's hand, brought its leisurely trail to a halt in a firm grasp fuelled by frantic fear.
" Wait," he whispered pleadingly, " just-"
He stalled, unable to convey his reluctance, fearful that the words would be misinterpreted.
Too late he saw the look in Hunter's eyes change. Any lust that had shone there had been dampened, the debris that remained was wounded pride.
" Listen-" began Shawn nervously, " I just-"
" Save your breath. I get it," snapped Hunter, his words curt. He pulled away, stripping Shawn of the secure warmth he had provided.
Wounded pride had the nastiest habit of manifesting itself into vicious spite.
" You're such a fucking whore"
And then the flash of glass, blurred as it smashed against his face.
Shawn awoke with a startled gasp, towels damp and twisted beneath sweat soaked flesh, heart thudding hard and heavy against his ribs as he slowly came to the realisation that he was alone.
His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he could make out posters on the wall.
Hunter's bedroom.
" Hunt?" he whispered. Upon receiving no reply he scrambled from the bed, fingers stretched forwards as he blindly felt for the light switch, plunging the room into brightness his breathing eased.
He sank against the wall, head spinning.
What the hell kind of dream was that?
Hunter lay on the sofa, one arm sprawled across his forehead as he desperately tried to escape the clutches of insomnia. He'd given Shawn his bed after the whole incident with the bleach, figured he would appreciate it more than the couch.
Yet here he lay unable to sleep, too many thoughts buzzing around his head. Too much concern pulsating through his veins, worried for Shawn, worried for his job. Vince had told him to take care of Shawn, but his kindness would only stretch so far before he'd have to leave Shawn to fend for himself, or drag him back to work before he was ready – neither options looked remotely appealing.
He turned back to the glow of the television screen. It had only taken him until around midnight to figure why Shawn loved the damn thing so much. He'd never been one to sit and watch mindless drivel but he was appreciating it now, it was something that required no thinking. He had it muted, wasn't really interested in the cheesy dialogue he felt sure would accompany the B-movie he'd found, he was content just watching the characters trudge aimlessly through some supposedly scary scenario until it bored him enough that he slept.
The creak of the stairs grabbed his attention and he saw Shawn's silhouette adorn the wall opposite. He heard the elder man mutter softly at the offending floorboard, apparently concerned he'd woken him.
" Shawn?"
" Fuck!"
" It's ok, I was awake anyway"
" You scared me" Shawn informed him defensively, "What are you doing? Spying on me?"
" No," laughed Hunter, " Just not sleeping. What are you doing sneaking around in the dead of night anyway?"
" I just wanted to get some water."
" Oh ok."
He watched as Shawn set about getting his water, bypassing the glasses and instead rummaging in the back of the cupboard until he resurfaced with a paper cup yanked from the stack Hunter had acquired as surplus from the summer cook outs.
" I have glasses you know"
" No this is ok."
" Shawn, seriously use a glass. Those paper cups have been in there a while," Hunter persisted.
" Really this is fine, I don't mind."
" I'll get you one."
" I said I don't mind!"snapped Shawn sharply, wrenching the cup he was holding backwards as if afraid Hunter was going to come grab the drink from him by force. In his haste it slipped from his grasp, bounced to the floor, coating the tiles and his feet in the spilled water.
"Aw shit!"
He was on his knees trying to soak the water up with paper towels when Hunter intervened.
" Leave it man, it's not the end of the world."
" I was fine with the paper cup. Why wouldn't you leave me alone? It's your fault."
"Sure it is" Hunter humoured him, " Get up, get your water. It's fine."
" I have to clean it up!" insisted Shawn angrily.
" Fine do what you want," muttered Hunter beneath his breath, busying himself near the faucet. He filled a glass whilst Shawn obsessed over smearing the puddle into nothingness.
Shawn rose, scrunched sopping towels into a ball and aimed for the garbage can, a flicker of annoyance crossed his face as it rebounded on the rim to land back on the floor. He turned, and saw Hunter reaching for him, glass in hand and startled, stumbling backwards in such haste that he slipped and crashed to the floor, head meeting the door frame with a sickening crack. He emitted a moan of pain, ragged with frustration and remained where he was, entangled on the floor, wishing the room would quit spinning around him.
" Shawn? Hey! Look at me!" The words seemed distant when accompanied by a sharp snapping of fingers, almost echoing in his daze.
Hunter was on his knees before him, hand cupped beneath his chin, anxiously trying to gain his attention.
" 'M'alright," he mumbled, " Get off"
" You hit your head-" worried Hunter.
" I said I'm alright!" snarled Shawn shoving him away with as much might as he could muster from his position on the floor,
" How many fingers am I holding up?" asked Hunter giving him the finger in response.
" One," Shawn replied, a thread of amusement in his tone. Hunter squashed beside him, knees splayed so they were almost touching. They sat in silence for several seconds
" You don't have to be a prick all the time you know?"
" You started it," retorted Shawn petulantly.
" How? By offering you a glass?" scorned Hunter, " The dangerous, scary drink container-"
"They are when they're aimed for your fucking head!" Shawn exploded furiously, his ire silencing Hunter.
" I didn't aim it at your head," he pointed out finally.
" No," admitted Shawn softly, plucking at the hem of the t-shirt he had stolen from Hunter's floor self-consciously.
" Did you think I would?" Hunter's eyes widened, "I was just handing it to you."
" I know ok!"
" So you just tried to concuss yourself for the hell of it?" asked Hunter sarcastically, " Smart move Shawn,"
" Shut up! Just shut the fuck up. You think you're so damn funny all the fucking time, well you're not! You're just an asshole," cried Shawn furiously, anger too overwhelming to be contained inwardly. He didn't care if he was more furious at himself for being so stupid, for making one mistake after the other, for always letting Hunter see how easily screwed up he was. He didn't care if he was to blame more often than not, he just wanted Hunter to feel as bad as he did.
" Oh come on Shawn, don't hold back, tell me what you really think," sneered Hunter, temper rising, " It's not my fault you're insane."
Shawn's eyes darkened with disgust, lips tightened in dismay.
" I'm not," he croaked, the words sounding uncertain even to himself. His brows furrowed in concentration, could feel the tears building and blinked in rapid succession in an attempt to make them leave. He was sick of crying, of showing Hunter how easy it was to get to him. He wasn't supposed to do that, he was supposed to be above caring, he was meant to be untouchable, not able to feel this mess of heartache coursing through his veins. Damn it, that's why he needed his pills.
He flinched as Hunter's hand found his.
" I'm sorry ok? I didn't mean that."
" Yeah, you say a hell of a lot of things you don't mean," snapped Shawn pulling away, created a gap between them so that he could no longer feel Hunter's flesh hot and heavy against his own. He slowed abruptly as the world lurched, dragging nausea from deep in his gut, he steadied himself, refuting Hunter's attempt to help.
" Don't touch me alright?"
" Alright," replied Hunter, holding hands up pointedly. " I'm sorry. You just pissed me off. I try to make sure you're ok and you're just so damn defensive all the time."
" You're constantly looking at me, acting like I'm about to do something stupid-" he trailed off, the look on Hunter's face reminding him he'd already done that, " Ok, ok so I did some stupid things but I don't need you constantly on at me like I can't take care of myself. I'm not incapable!"
" I know you're not,"
" Yeah well start acting like it." muttered Shawn bitterly.
" Look if all we're going to do is argue, maybe you should go stay with Kev," Hunter suggested briskly.
" You kicking me out?"
" No," sighed Hunter exasperated, " I'm just saying, if we can't get along you'll be better off at Kevin's,"
" We get along,"
" Oh yeah, second fight in as many nights. We're tight man," jibed Hunter, " Like that!"
Shawn stared at Hunter's entwined fingers, face solemn.
" I think so," he acknowledged quietly, " Least you care right? It's people you don't give a shit about you let do what they want. Friends, you tell them straight up – you're being a prick. Right? You make sure they're ok? That's us right?"
Shawn was rather urgent in his questioning as if desperate to clarify their friendship. Hunter wondered if part of his franticness resulted from withdrawals from the painkillers he'd been unable abuse whilst staying under his roof, or if there was some lonely part of Shawn's self esteem that still thought everyone around him hated him regardless of what they said. It seemed that paranoia held Shawn captive, everyone and everything had an ulterior motive – they were out to get him, out to lie and screw him over. Out to prove him for the worthless creature he seemed to think he was. Niceties were just part of the disguise, lulling him in before striking, punishing him for the person he'd become.
Sometimes being with Shawn hurt. Trying to stay on the right side of a mood swing was actually painful, and no matter how laid back he tried to be, Hunter couldn't quite keep his anger in check around his friend. He tried, God he tried but there was only so much attitude a person could take before their patience cracked and splintered into irretrievable pieces. And so they fought more often than not, a battle of wills in a fight for sanity. To keep his own Hunter would apologise, partly to try and salvage Shawn's peace of mind but mostly to get him to shut up. He didn't want to hear the babble of self-loathing and more importantly he didn't want to see that look. It was a look Hunter had grown accustomed to lately, the one where Shawn looked at him as if he'd personally killed all his family, set his dog on fire, stole his cookies and broke his heart into a million pieces. He hated that look. He'd do anything to rid that look from Shawn's face, to wipe the hurt from his eyes, and if that meant apologising
" Right," Hunter soothed him, " Of course we're friends,"
He pulled him into an awkward hug, draping his arm across the back of Shawn's shoulder, relieved that the smaller man didn't drag himself away this time.
" The guy in the hotel hit me with a vodka bottle," Shawn whispered to his hands, " And I keep dreaming..."
he faltered, as if the words were lodged deep in the depths of his throat.
Hunter closed his eyes, irrationally annoyed with himself. He kept saying he'd take care of him yet here was Shawn stuck amidst problems he simply couldn't take care of. He couldn't control Shawn's subconscious yet there was a painful ache in his gut where he wished he could. He wanted to help so damn badly, but was constantly rendered helpless and being powerless whilst Shawn visibly suffered irritated him.
" What did you dream?" He asked, hand consolingly clamped around his buddy's shoulder blade.
" I dreamt it was you," Shawn confessed, " I dreamt you were the guy. Sorta. Except you weren't. Not at first. At first you were you, and things were great but then, then it changed."
Hunter frowned.
" I wouldn't hit you."
The ache in his stomach heightened, spread to his chest and burned at his throat. He wished he could find the son of a bitch who'd haunted Shawn with his actions. He'd break every bone in his body before he was through, punishing him for the hurt he'd caused, chaining Shawn to nightmares and a prison of fear, a cage of darkness in which his memory and mind collided, presenting torment and warped imagery to his mind's eye.
" I know. I know you wouldn't. It was just a dream," said Shawn, " I just freaked out you know? I'm sorry."
" Don't be, you couldn't help it," said Hunter.
" Yeah well, I didn't have to be a jerk about it,"
" True. I'll take an apology for that," laughed Hunter, " But you better mean it!"
" I'm sorry I was a jerk," replied Shawn obediently, " And I mean it"
" You didn't have to tell me you meant it," Hunter's laughter increased. Shawn smiled slightly, Hunter's amusement infectious, the fear and anger he'd held tight in a knot at the base of his stomach loosening slightly as they sat, he could feel the bad feeling begin to diminish slightly.
" So you're alright?"
Shawn nodded, shifting slightly so the space between them narrowed.
" And you're sure your head's ok?" Hunter fussed, tentatively cradling the back of his skull before allowing a hand to gently trace Shawn's temple, slowly paving its way across his cheek. Shawn sank against the warmth, resting against his friend's shoulder, cramped but content to be stuck between the corner and Hunter's frame.
He tilted his head upwards as Hunter glanced downwards, resulting in their lips brushing together momentarily. He pulled backwards in alarm, fearful of Shawn's reaction. With heart thumping in his chest Shawn pulled Hunter closer, pressed his lips hungrily against his own in a desperate attempt to keep the feeling of contentment it had provided. It wasn't the same as the others, he wasn't doing it for pills, he was doing it because he wanted to. It felt safe, and he wanted to keep that feeling.
They remained like that on the floor, entwined together until the sun began its ascent, breaking over the horizon.
" You tired?" whispered Hunter
" Kinda" shrugged Shawn, his own voice matching Hunter's, as if afraid talking loudly would shatter the solace.
" We should go to sleep,"
" Yeah," agreed Shawn half-heartedly, reluctant to leave. Unwilling to surrender himself to the emptiness of sleeping alone, not wanting to see if the nightmares would claim him again.
" Come with me?" he blurted, the plea escaping before he could prevent it. Hunter stared, the vulnerability raw; that look again, shadowing his face. He nodded slowly before following Shawn upstairs, lying on the bed beside him.
Shawn felt Hunter wrap himself around him, encircling him in his arms from behind, a comforting hold. He could feel Hunter's breath, light against his skin, and he snuggled into the pillows, allowing the pattern of his breathing to lull him into a satisfying sleep for the first time in months.
