Chapter 4, An Eventful Meeting

Sorry for the delayed update. I got lost on the road of Super Smash Brothers Brawl, on a side note I'm a beast with Kirby.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, if I did, hen he would know what it means when Hinata looks at him, blushes and faints.

Poof; Naruto appeared just outside the Hokage's office in a shroud of smoke. As it faded away, he turned his attention to the secretary who sat behind her desk. She had red hair, green-gray eyes, and a slight build. She gave him a small smile and said, "Please wait a moment; the Hokage is in a meeting and will be done shortly."

Naruto smiled back. Taking a seat in on the other side of the room in a sturdy, Konohan wood chair, he turned to look at the secretary once more. He couldn't help but think back a few years.

Flashback:

Once upon a time, she belonged to the incredibly small group that thought very little of Naruto. He first went to the office at the age of five. When he asked in a steady and young voice if he could see the Hokage she coldly said no. So Naruto went over to the same chair, sat down, pulled out a scroll and started to read.

After about ten minutes wait he asked again, his cool, blue eyes boring his way into her's. She glared at him and said even colder, "No he's not in! Even if he was he has better things to do than waste his time with a brat like you!" Naruto just flashed an odd, strained smile at her.

After ten more minutes he said, "Are you sure he's not in?" She almost repeated herself a little more aggressively when the door to the Hokage's office opened.

"Mrs. Yuko, it seems my 3:00 O'clock appointment is late. Could you message Jiraiya and tell him-" Sarutobi stopped when he saw a mop of blonde hair out of the corner of his eye. "Naruto how long have you been sitting there? You're twenty minutes late!"

"Sorry old man, I had to deal with something before I got here and it took longer that I thought. I've been sitting here for about five seconds; the nice lady over there was going to check if you were free before you came out." Naruto said coolly, throwing a look at Yuko.

Sarutobi just shook his head with a small smile gracing his face. He knew his secretary's position regarding Naruto, but the boy asked for him not to do anything about her. The boy told him one day that, when it came to the people that hated him, to let him handle them.

When Hiruzen asked how he would do it Naruto responded, "It's very simple. If a person thinks a certain way about you then just do the exact opposite of what that view of you is. Hopefully, I say that because some people are stuck thinking they're right indefinitely, their opinions of you will change eventually. For example if someone thinks you're a sexist bastard then treat the opposite sex with respect and don't spew bullshit like 'woman's work'. Plus it's fun to screw with people's heads." He added as an after thought. And the boy loved to mess with people's heads.

Seeing the boy's words play out before him, Hiruzen couldn't deny it. Yuko looked thoroughly confused. Oh yeah, and she could change her opinion.

Over the next few months she acted more and more cold towards the boy only to get the same responses from him, a shrug, a look or nothing at all. Eventually she came to a conclusion, a month or so after Naruto's birthday, to treat him kindly.

However, it would take months before Naruto went to the office again. The Konohan fire had killed thousands, destroyed a tenth of Konoha, injured thousands more and left the boy in a coma for seven months.

The next time Naruto visited he came a little early. Yuko couldn't tell what, but something felt different about him. Before the meeting started Yuko cleared her throat, earning her the blonde boy's attention. "Naruto, my first thoughts of you were the result of rumors and gossip. I realized that I was wrong and my actions towards you were unfounded. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive a foolish woman." The last words sounded pleading.

In response Naruto gave her a calm and calculating look, as if trying to find if she the sincerity of her words; a look that didn't belong on a seven year old child. To her it felt like a small eternity until the boy said, "Okay." and turned his attention back to his scroll.

Yuko fixed him with an incredulous gaze, "For the past two years I have been treating you in a way no child deserves. I have insulted you, yelled at you, and after all that the moment I ask you to forgive me you do it without a second thought?"

At that Naruto let out a low chuckle. "It's like you're trying to make me not forgive you. There are a few things I don't believe in; one is petty things such as revenge or holding a grudge, and another, macaroni and cheese." he said it so seriously, Yuko believed him, "I forgave you so easily because you didn't have the full story, whatever it is." A few sugar-coated lies, he already knew the whole story.

At that moment, Sarutobi exited his office with a smile on his face. "Naruto are you ready for your lesson?" the boy just nodded. "Then follow me to my compound."

Present:

The door to the Hokage's office opened, four people stepped out.

Maito Gai. The green jumpsuit, orange striped leg warmers and standard Konoha flack jacket struck people the most. However, his huge, bushy eyebrows and odd grin gave him an even odder appearance.

Rock Lee, Gai's protegee, who looked like a carbon copy of his sensei.

Tenten Higurashi, brown eyes and long brown hair worn in Chinese-style buns, one either side of her head. She wore a pink sleeveless blouse and dark green pants.

And the ever cold Neji Hyūga, a rather feminine boy with long, dark brown hair, empty white eyes, an a cold, self-assured air hovering around him.

"Young Naruto!" Gai yelled very loudly, making the secretary wince, "Your flames of youth are burning very brightly today!"

"Thanks Gai-sensei." Naruto knew better than to ask what he meant. "What did you, Lee, and Tenten meet with the old man about?" He queried, completely ignoring Neji.

"YOSH! Our team has just been assigned a very youthful C-rank mission!" Yelled Gai as he stood sideways, smiling and holding his hand, making a thumbs-up. The reflection from his teeth nearly blinded the Secretary.

"What kind of mission is it?" Naruto asked, ignoring the look of disgust on Neji's face.

"We're escorting a youthful trader caravan! We don't know where we are going so we may be gone for a while. I'd like to see my eternal rival try his hand at teaching and try to best that!" Naruto just shook his head with a slightly forced smile on his face. He felt bad for the traders, having to deal with 'Mr. Fate' for who knows how long will more than likely drive them crazy.

"I'd like to stay and chat Gai but I have to meet with the old man. Remember Lee we were supposed to have our nest spar tomorrow so we'll just have to have it the day you get back. If you let your skills dull with your time away I will never let you hear the end of it, don't disappoint me!" Naruto warned.

"YOSH! Naruto if we don't last more than three hours in our spar then I will run one hundred fifty laps around Konoha with a boulder on my back!" Lee yelled, 'Nice Gai pose'.

Lee felt a hand on his shoulder. When the boy turned around he saw his sensei/father figure had tears streaming down his face. Shortly after he locked eyes with his sensei Lee started to tear up as well.

Yuko the secretary, not having dealt with the pair before, thought something bad happened. Before she could ask them what's wrong, Gai yelled something that made her jump and wonder if all ninja's had their own little 'quirks'. "LEE!" he sobbed. "You fill me so full of pride knowing that I am your sensei! You're the hardest worker I've ever seen and your flames of youth burn the brightest ever!"

"Gai sensei you make me so proud to be your student! Your flames of youth never diminish and you're the best taijutsu master I know!" Lee blubbered/yelled out.

"Lee!" Gai yelled.

"Gai sensei!" Lee mimicked his teacher.

Naruto, having had much experience with the pair, did the appropriate counter-measures, which included throwing himself at Yuko and covering her eyes whilst yelling hysterically, "God dammit! They're doing it again, cover your eyes!"

"Lee!" the green spandex wearing taijutsu beast ran towards his student, despite them only being a few feet away.

"Gai sensei!" the bowl cut boy rushed over to his mentor. To some watching it felt almost as if the two had rehearsed this before coming. Sadly, they rehearse it every Wednesday.

"Lee!" too wrapped up in the ensuing mass chaos nobody noticed that Naruto had disappeared.

"GAI SENSEI!" they embraced. Unfortunately for Mr. Fate, he had busied himself by thinking about fate, the Hyūga and his cousin's weakness too feel better about himself. When he came back to the world of the living he endured the most sadistic invention ever made by youth-kind.

Overwhelmed by the power of youth, Neji fell to the ground a twitching mess.

It took a minute for the illusion to vanish. In its place stood an office with one twitching and one cowering genin, three ANBU rocking back and forth in fetal positions, two green spandex wearing taijutsu monsters hugging each other, a small weapons bag on the floor and a scared shit-less secretary who started thinking she should demand hazard pay. From that day on the ANBU would have a deathly fear of the sun, Yuko of the color green, and Neji of rainbows, swans, dolphins, potatoes, chess pieces, unnatural hair colors and puppies.

Don't ask.

"Please stop doing that sensei! You're breaking others now!" screeched Tenten as she pointed at an ANBU, who rocked back and forth mumbling something about the sun mooning him.

"I'm sorry my most youthful student. We will try to reduce our expressions of youth in public places in the future." Gai said solemnly, letting go of Lee.

"Well we need to get going." Tenten muttered, "See you when we get back Naruto. Naruto? Naruto where did you go?" the three members of Team Nine looked around the room trying to find the blonde as the ANBU started to recompose themselves. They saw no sign of him.

"Please tell me it's safe to come out now." All those capable snapped their attention source. They all gazed at the floor to see that it came from the weapon pouch. Their expressions changed from confusion to shock when said blonde's head popped out.

"I guess it's safe to say you two are done with your little connection." Said Naruto as he shifted his eyes around suspiciously. "And since you are I can go see the old man without losing what little of my sanity I have left." The boy then pulled himself out of the pouch. When it sat firmly secured to his belt, Naruto walked through the door and into the office.

Out in the waiting room, nothing but silence reigned for several moments, then "Wait! That bastard had his own little safe house and didn't tell me? I''ll kill him!" Naruto would later learn one thing: that, when one's sanity gets threatened on a daily basis, they start to lose it.

In the Office:

A tired groan sounded through out the leader's office. Gai and his team had just requested a higher ranked mission, so Hiruzen took pity on his eardrums and assigned them a mission that would keep them away for a long while. With the loud duo out of his office Hiruzen took a second to ponder why Naruto liked the pair so much. Then he shook it off and turned his attention back to wage the ongoing war against his old enemy, at least until Naruto showed up.

When his eyes latched back onto his old foe, Hiruzen's twin orbs narrowed. While preoccupied with handling Gai his old adversary had regrouped and came back with reinforcements. Before Gai steeped foot into his office less than ten sat scattered around, but they had come back with well over a thousand! As Hiruzen stared down the army amassed before him, he thought one thing, 'I'm too old for this.'

One charged at him, prepared to strike. The aged Kage easily cut him down with a couple of swift strokes. As soon as that one fell though, another rushed the harmless looking old man only to suffer the same fate as his fellow.

To those who held no office, the thought of this enemy made them laugh at worst.

Another fell.

To those that held office the mere thought of this enemy caused them to shake in fear.

Wave after wave came after the poor old man, but despite their numbers they all fell swiftly. Once Minato came into office he soon fell under the endless horde of boredom and repetition. To the poor boy the Kyuubi's attack blessed him, for it freed him from a beast far more malevolent. Even though it led to his death.

More replaced their lost comrades, though they fell just as swiftly; only replaced once again by the endless tide. If he didn't know better, Hiruzen would have sworn that the bastard only did it to get away from this horrible routine, and even then the thought still resided there. Then he laid his eyes on the biggest one he ever saw, well over one foot tall. It poised to take him out, the poor old man only had a moment to widen his eyes in fear before it struck.

Sarutobi's hands sped into making handseals faster than any eye could see. This one would only fall through the use of his most powerful fire jutsu. This never ending tide of the thing all high officials feared would finally subside.

Just as Hiruzen neared the end of the jutsu he heard a loud voice just outside his office yell. So focused on his jutsu and jolted by the interruption, it threw off his concentration and messed up the jutsu. Too much in shock to register what the voices yelled about, Hiruzen thought about what he almost did.

The stress of the job must have gotten him, but what Naruto did last night while Hiruzen wasn't looking didn't help matters at all. In the heat of the moment he almost used a jutsu that could blow up the entire tower! And for what? Paperwork! A fucking pile of paperwork! He almost killed himself and more than likely over one hundred Ninja and civilians because he had to fight these monsters!

He really needed a vacation.

The poor old man turned his attention back to the letter the boy he considered a grandson left him last night.

'Hey old man! You might have noticed that the papers are acting a little more lively, don't worry it's just a seal that I placed on your desk to make your day a little less boring. I put it on the desk last night during our talk and any paper that is placed on the desk will be capable of holding your attention for a while. To deal with them just catch them and sign off on your decision regarding what the paperwork is about. This will make your day funner as well as giving you some much needed exercise. Have fun!'

Naruto

As the letter growled at him, somehow sounding like an angry dog, Hiruzen rubbed his temples. Standing up and taking a cautious step back, his chair jolted out of place. Growling the letter slowly advanced, the corners of the page acting as legs. Then, out of the corner of his eye, Hiruzen spotted the thick, foot tall stack of paper stalking him. As if some all powerful individual decided his day just had to get worse, the poor old man saw all the other papers on his desk he didn't already sign off on, coming alive and advancing slowly.

Hiruzen abandoned his brush, using tools more suited for his current situation, Kunai and Shuriken. Times like this, he regretted stationing his guards outside his office rather than in. The letter Naruto left jumped at the poor old man's face only to get cut in half by a shuriken. The rest charged only to get pinned or ripped in half.

One lunged at his leg but felt a kunai's sting before it latched on. Fed up with this little fiasco, Hiruzen summoned Enma to help deal with the swarm. "Enma turn into my staff quickly!"

The summon looked around skeptically, only noticing that the office covered in shredded paper. "Why? Come on Sarutobi its just paper. If you want my help to sign them then you aren't getting it. Though by the looks of it you're not signing them you're killing them, did you finally lose it?" the monkey king said, chuckling.

At that moment, Enma heard a growl to his left. He looked down to see a small stack of papers walking towards him. Before the poor monkey king could register that a piece of paper growled at him, it jumped at him and latched onto his face. It clawed him ferociously, somehow leaving huge, bleeding claw marks behind. With a yell he pulled it off his face and threw it away, staring at it in confusion. As it once again tried to pounce on him Enma yelled, "What the hell is going on!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Hiruzen roared back, cutting down another wave, "It's an attack of the living Paperwork! They've been at it all day just turn into your staff form!" Enma hesitated, confused beyond all reason, but who could have blame him? He half expected some guy to pop out and start singing show tunes.

"Now!" Enma decided to humor the old coot. In a flash he turned into a staff and landed in the old Kage's hand. Flourishing, Hiruzen spun around and destroyed the last few papers around him.

"Well, now that we're done, why don't you dismiss me so I can get back to my lunch?" the staff grumbled. Hiruzen shook his head solemnly.

"No, I'm afraid not my old friend, the fight is just starting." He claimed as he watched his desk. While Hiruzen fought for his life, the foot tall stack retreated back to his desk. He had no idea what had happened , but the stack more than doubled in size. The paper set its gaze (eyes?) upon the aged Kage and growled once more, sounding deeper and much more animalistic.

It hopped off the desk, the floor seeming to buckle as it landed. Hiruzen set himself in a stance, preparing to fight off the beast. The paper remains fluttering around the kage swirled around the room, flying towards the final, hellish monster.

He couldn't describe what happened. One moment a tall, misshapen stack of papers stalked towards him, the next what looked like cross between a bear and a dog lunged at his throat.

Its torso, the size of the average man's, made up most of it. The creature's legs looked just like a dog's but had much more 'muscle'. On the front paws, deadly looking claws slashed through the air. The head, large and bulky, sat adorned with jagged teeth protruding from its lips and wild eyes focusing on the tired leader.

Hiruzen rolled across the room to avoid the beast. Ducking under the the paper dog's snapping jaws Sarutobi circled it warily, then swung at its legs. The dog hopped over the staff and snapped at the fingers holding it. Hiruzen hopped back out of range and quickly jumped back at it with jab. It jumped back up onto the wall, using it as a springboard, then lunged at the leader.

Hiruzen simply step sided the assault and swung back, tearing the dog in half. Hiruzen took a few deep breaths for the benefit of anyone watching; let them think he let himself go by sitting behind a desk all day and hardly ever training. With his head hung the aged leader tried to catch his breath, but a growl made him snatch his head back up.

Looking up Hiruzen, saw the paper beast reconnecting with it's other half. Strips of paper seemed to flow back together. Jagged edges melded together to form whole pages of paper that quickly reformed into paper 'bone' and the 'sinew' that held them together. Finally, the strips connected the separated halves of the dog. It growled, hopped back up and stalked towards Hiruzen.

Hiruzen nearly charged when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw the door open and close. As he dodged yet another lunge he turned his head, seeing the cause of his current agony. The paper beast seized his moment of distraction, pounced on him and went for his throat, knocking the old man onto his back. Hiruzen caught its jaws in his staff, throwing the dog off him. He stood back up, turned, narrowed his eyes at Naruto and yelled, "God dammit Naruto get this thing off me!" Hiruzen whirled around and brandished his staff, "Back foul thing!"

Naruto blinked at the odd match playing out in front of him. He shook his head, smiling, and called out in a calm, collected voice, "Doggy, sit."

The beast straitened out of its stance, the typical dog look front paws splayed in front of him and front part of its torso laying on the ground, and sat at attention.

"Come here boy." The dog walked over to his creator and sat back at attention in front of him. Naruto unlatched his weapons pouch, flipped it open and placed it on the ground. "Get in." the dog complied. When the paper beast vanished into the pouch of infinite space, Hiruzen dispelled Enma.

"Naruto," He said in between gasps of breath, "Two things. One, how did you know it would listen to you."

Naruto shrugged, "I didn't."

Hiruzen narrowed his eyes, "Now, tell me why I shouldn't have you arrested for an attempt on my life."

"Because, Old Man, the seal wasn't supposed to make a Paper Beast of Doom, it was supposed to give your papers enough charka and a small spark of life just to make your day eventful. Not only that but to give you a workout, I mean look at you! You're out of breath after fighting a couple of papers. You really let yourself go! Plus, I have a really gorgeous smile." Naruto beamed at him.

As Hiruzen's hand strayed to his kunai pouch, Naruto added, "I also know that Jiraiya was the one that threw that wild party at your clan compound."

Hiruzen took out a kunai.

Sweating a little, Naruto blurted out, wondering for the umpteenth time if he went too far, "I also know the secret to doing paperwork!" That did it, in a complete reversal Hiruzen was on his knees in the classic beg stance.

Let the boy think he had some leverage over him.

"Please tell me the secret Naruto! I'll do anything! I'll drop the charges! Anything!"

Chuckling to hide his relief, Naruto said, "Well, you know about certain forbidden jutsus right? One of them is the Kage Bushin technique? How every clone of the original has the knowledge of the original and every clone that is dispelled passes on its experiences to other clones and back to the original?"

Hiruzen's eyes widened, giving Danzo's bugs a show. "That's right! The secret to doing paperwork is the ever loveable Kage Bushin technique. But before you ask, I'm still leaving the seal in place, you really do need the exercise. And I don't think you called me here to talk to me about bringing your paperwork to life."

Hiruzen slowly stood back up, saying, "Well, I think now's the time to get back to business."

"Let me guess…" Naruto sighed, "a couple of upset civilians rallied together, demanding the council have a meeting to talk about last night's mishaps and/or an incident that occurred earlier today in an attempt to understand them and/or have me trialed and executed. Am I right?"

Hiruzen nodded, "The 'Anti Demon Association' works fast." he snorted, "It's almost worrying how single-mindlessly they pursue you. They're like a cult."

"I'm flattered they devote their entire lives to me, it gives me warm feelings." Naruto said dreamily.

Hiruzen slapped him.

"And on that note, how can ten people call themselves an Association?" Naruto asked, rubbing his reddening cheek.

Sarutobi shook his head, "There's exactly one-hundred and three, just enough members for them to lobby the council. They're so annoying we're changing the requirement to two hundred. They'll never be able to lobby for anything then."

"Well you would think that after their last few failed attempts they'd learn." Naruto muttered before raising his voice theatrically. "Especially considering that no-one on either side of the council, that for some unknown reason don't think of me as the evil, blood thirsty demon I am, voted against my trial -slash- execution -slash- imprisonment every time they even mentioned my name and those words in the same sentence! But hey, many of you foolish humans are doomed to lives of being prejudiced dumb-asses! So me, the almighty demon lord Kyuubi, am not too surprised! Let's get this over with you foolish mortal! I'm about to make a break through with my new training seal and I'd like to get it finished and applied today." Naruto cackled madly for good measure. "The rivers will turn red with blood as I Slaughter Everyone Who Gets In My Way With The Almighty Cheese Grater Of Doom! You can practically hear the Capitalization! Muahahahah!"

Hiruzen coughed.

"Ah, you uh, think I overdid it a bit?" Naruto asked sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

The Hokage nodded.

After Naruto finished packing up his things they exited the office and made their way to the council chambers. "Naruto, how did the genin exam go by the way?" Sarutobi asked, "From the looks of things you still have your headband, so you must have passed."

"That's right, Old Man, I passed." Naruto told him, "Alas, now that I am officially a ninja I sadly must find a different hobby than pranking. Luckily I know just what to do, foolish human! Mess with people's heads even more. Your entire pathetic village, especially your foolish Anti Demon Association, will come to rue the day I became a genin!" Cue evil laugh, hand gestures and all.

Hiruzen almost pitied them, almost. The ways Naruto messed with people left many an onlooker too shocked to move, let alone think.

The pair arrived at the doors to the council chambers, the guards stood straighter and saluted as the Third Hokage passed them by and entered. Greeted by tired, annoyed sighs and warm smiles, the Council Room quickly fell silent when they saw Sarutobi.

One Hiashi Hyūga broke the uneasy silence, "Lord Hokage, forgive me for asking but… how did your face end up in its current condition?"

Naruto tried in vain to hide his smirk and handed a mirror he had in his 'weapons pouch of infinite space'. Looking into it, Hiruzen saw his forehead covered in dry, black ink.

He handed the mirror back and gave an embarrassed chuckle, "Well, you see, something occurred earlier that led to my current condition."

"And pray tell what this little incident was?" Asked one curious council member. They all knew that Naruto was somehow behind it. Before Hiruzen could give an excuse Naruto came to his rescue, sort of.

"I brought his paperwork to life to give creaky bones some exercise." A few of the council members widened their eyes in horror. "Needless to say he wasn't happy. So, to make it up to him I told him the secret to doing paperwork." At that, all the councilors' eyes widened in disbelief.

There was an awkward silence. "What you have all just heard is now an A-ranked secret by order of the Hokage." Sarutobi recited, "Punishment for discussing it will be punishable by a fine of 10,000 ryo and an all expenses paid trip to Ibiki."

One of the more intelligent civilian council members spoke up. He had brown hair, brown eyes and a cool aura. A small scar cut across his features, a remnant from an attempt on his life.

"Hold on a second, my lord. Please forgive me, but do you really expect us to believe that not only does this boy know the secret to doing paperwork, but he brought yours to life?" He queried, sounding skeptical.

"Councilor Singh," Naruto sighed, "you should know by now that doubting my abilities with seals is foolish. I developed an incendiary tag, freezing tag, shock tag, sealed Anko's curse seal, am currently working on something that will get rid of it permanently, and made a seal that makes paper resistant to water, granted all with a little help from Jiraiya. Do you really think that bringing paper to life is beyond what I can do?"

Singh shook his head, "You never said seals were involved, but even then that's stretching my belief in your abilities."

Naruto sighed, reaching into his weapons pouch and making many of the civilians tense up. They had many... experiences with the boy and his toys.

Not finding it right away, Naruto unlatched it, brought it out in front of him and dived his arm in deeper, up to his shoulder. Hiruzen just took a seat in his chair, a high-backed, regal seat.

Naruto let out an exclamation of victory, making a couple councilors jump. He withdrew his clasped hand. Impatient and tired from having spent long hours seeing to things last night, Singh snapped, "Well? What is it you have that is supposed to prove to us all that you're able to bring paper to life?"

Naruto opened his hand. A small paper dragon fly rested on his open palm. It flapping its wings, it flew around the room before landing in front of Singh. In a flash it reformed into a dog shape.

"As you can see, I can bring paper to life." Naruto informed the council, "Not only is it alive, but it can change shape." The paper dog growled at Singh, who regarded the beast as he would a houseplant.

"I don't know if it's capable of rational thought. So, just to be safe, I wouldn't anger it." Naruto added as an afterthought. The dog paused, turning to him and making a series of barks. It turned its attention back to Singh, who busied himself by flipping through a file, making thoughtful noises and watching Naruto.

Everyone turned to their gaze to the Inuzuka clan head, Tsume Inuzuka. Understanding the unsaid question at once, she said, rolling her eyes, "The fake mutt said, 'I'm not stupid. I understand everything you humans say perfectly. I want you to stop talking about me as if I'm an item.' Word for word."

"Thanks, Tsume. Now, back to business. Why was a council meeting called?" Hiruzen asked, already knowing the answer. Before anyone else said anything, though, councilor Singh once again interrupted.

"Can someone please get this thing away from me?"

Everyone saw the paper dog licking his jaws and staring at him hungrily, whereas Singh stared it down. "Why does this beast want to eat me?" he asked, not looking away. Another series of barks.

Tsume once again translated, "'Because you smell like bacon. I love bacon, I can't get enough of it. Though it's not as good as people'." she paused, "I'm not sure if it's joking or not."

Just as it hunched down to jump at its target, Naruto said, straight-faced, "Dog, get back here and stop trying to eat people, you can do that later."

The paper shape shifter growled, then jumped off the desk and trotted back to his master's side. Naruto cleared his throat, "Can we please get this over with? I have shit to do. Why am I here?"

The Nara clan head Shikaku Nara spoke up in a tired voice, "Because the troublesome ADA say that, since Naruto stole the forbidden scroll, he committed treason and should be put on trial. They also said you wrongfully attacked one of their members and put him in the hospital. Since they have just enough members, we said yes just to get them to shut the hell up. We all know those are lies, so there's no chance that you'll will be convicted. Like the troublesome blonde over there said 'let's get this over with', we all have shit to do."

The scribe in the corner, hunched over his notes with his black mop of hair obscuring his face, jotted down everything Shikaku said, a smirk playing at the corner of his lips. He loved this post.

Hiruzen sighed, "Fine, let Naruto Uzumaki's trial commence. Naruto you're accused of treason for aiding the deceased traitor, Mizuki, steal the forbidden scroll. Another charge of attempted murder of an 'innocent' civilian has also been brought up. How do you plead?"

One of the civilian councilors blurted out, "Why the hell are we even doing this?" she demanded, light blonde hair whipping around as she waved an angry hand, "It's not like we're ever going to let these charges pass! Those idiots just think that, because the Kyuubi is locked inside of him, he's the next-" she cut off, just realizing what she said.

"You're lucky everyone in here knows that the fox is sealed inside of me." Naruto said dryly, coming to her rescue, "One slip of tongue near someone that doesn't know and off with your head!" he added, making a very enthusiastic slicing motion.

Hiruzen sighed yet again, "Everyone in here knows that he holds the Kyuubi so no-one broke the law. Let's also not forget that there is a part of that same law that lets him tells anyone he wants about that little detail. Naruto," he asked, getting back to business, "how do you plead against the earlier charges?"

"Not guilty." While everyone else preoccupied themselves, Naruto took out his favorite couch, a bag of popcorn and a can of soda.

Singh raised a hand, "Can you pass one of those over here?"

Naruto tossed him a can.

"Thanks."

"For what reasons do you plead?" Sarutobi asked, bored and completely ignoring the byplay.

Naruto scratched the paper dog's head, which sat on the couch next to him, eating from the popcorn bag. "About Mizuki, I knew right away that he wanted me to steal the scroll, and that it wasn't a test. I stole it because I was just following the orders of a superior, and because I needed real proof he was a traitor. As soon as he proved it, and in front of Iruka, I executed him for treason, acting in the name of the village and protecting it from harm."

Singh cleared his throat, shuffling though a file, "What about the incident regarding the civilian? It says here, in the witness account section, that he..." Singh furled his eyebrows, "he slipped and fell, breaking his leg."

Rubbing his temples, he asked no-one in particular, "I swear, isn't all that blind hate some sort of mental disorder? Remind me why we can't have all the 'Anti-Demon Association' members thrown in an asylum where they belong."

"Law 850, addendum 2B." the councilor next to him recited, " 'All active shinobi are allowed no more than four obsessions, retired shinobi are allowed three, and civilians are allowed one'."

Singh sighed, "At least we got one locked away."

"The one that collected coins too?" Naruto asked.

"I think paying ten-million for a single coin counts as being obsessed.", Inochi Yamanaka said, speaking up for the first time, "Trust me, I'm a psychiatrist."

"Yeah," Naruto agreed, "but didn't he also have so much money he gave bags of it away to anyone within ten feet of him?"

Singh gave him a look, "Are you saying you want someone who's convinced you're Kyuubi incarnate and going to destroy the village -who has enough resources to buy a small nation I might add- out and about?"

The blonde grunted, "Point."

Singh tossed the file to the side, "All in favor of dismissing the Assault charge?" A chorus of 'Aye' answered him.

The scribe in the corner scribbled everything down.

"All in favor of putting the civilian..." Singh paused, "what's his name again?"

He only got shrugs in response.

Singh sighed, continuing, "All in favor of putting him on trial for attempted murder?"

"Attempted murder?" asked a councilor.

"It was in the file." Singh said, frowning, "He had a knife on him. How do you think his leg broke, he tr- wait! Are you telling me you haven't read the file?" he demanded angrily.

The councilor nodded, "The ADA is involved, do you really think I'm going to take this seriously?"

Exasperated sigh, "I think you might have a point there." Singh grumbled, "All in favor?" another chorus of 'Aye'.

"What?" Naruto asked, blinking innocently, "Not going to ask me any other questions? Don't we have another half an hour before this 'trial' is scheduled to finish?"

Hiashi turned to him, "How did you know that?" he asked so stoically it sounded like a statement.

"I have my ways." Naruto commented vaguely.

"Fine," Inochi Yamanaka spoke up, "How did you kill Mizuki? From what I read from the reports he fought back and you were the only one to fight him."

"Sorry I can't tell you." Naruto said mechanically, "It's an S-ranked secret that I don't feel like telling a few of you."

Singh grunted, "Can't say I like it, but there it is. Hey, Toru." he said, addressing the scribe, "What novel have you cooked up for us today?"

Toru raised a finger, asking for a moment longer, before finishing, taking the entire stack of paper, at least an inch thick, and binding it together.

"It's quite nice if I do say so myself." he said, smiling, "You passionately defended Naruto against the unjust and malevolent charges brought up against him, Lord Hyūga sided with the ADA and attempted in vain to have Naruto imprisoned for the same charges, his ulterior motive to punish Naruto for deflowering his daughters, Lord Hokage found a spy hiding in the council chamber walls and killed him with a soup ladle conveniently located in his sleeve, the paper dog thing turned into a giant tentacle monster and had it's way with Madame Inuzuka, and the faithful scribe forgot to pick up his dry cleaning."

Silence.

"...What was that about my daughters?" Hiashi demanded, eyes narrowing.

"I'm going to say nothing for my own safety." Naruto muttered loudly.

Hiashi glared at him.

"What?"

"I'm kidding Lord Hyūga, it's actually just more about the book I'm working on." Toru said, trying to calm him down.

"The one about evil dolphins trying to take over the world?" Naruto asked innocently.

"Yes." Toru nodded.

Silence.

"Evil dolphins?" Tsume muttered.

"Weren't you supposed to keep a record of the trial?" Hiruzen asked.

Toru nodded, "I did my lord. It's this pile right here." he jumped up and walked over to Sarutobi's chair, handing him the record.

One of the civilian councilors stood up, stretching, "As fun as this is, I think we can go now. We have a really important trade negotiation coming up we need to research about."

Hiruzen nodded, "Yes, the civilian side is dismissed. The ninja side needs stay and discuss something."

All the civilians thanked him, stood up and left. Singh called over his shoulder, "I hope you all have fun being locked in there longer.", on that note, the door slammed shut behind him.

"And now I tell the Ninja council." Naruto said theatrically.

"You sure about this Naruto?" Hiruzen asked, "It's not too late to change your mind. You can leave now if you want."

"Yes, Old Man." the boy grumbled, "We went over this before and had it planned for years. They're going to find our eventually, so why wait?"

Hiruzen nodded, agreeing. "The floor is yours."

"Right," Naruto said, standing and lacing his hands together, "What do you all know about telekinesis, telepathy, subliminal messages and mind reading?"

A.N.

Edited: 6-23-11

I originally was going to have the entire council meeting in this chapter but as you can see I got sidetracked.

Also, If you want to use some of my ideas for seals just place a review or message stating that you do. Other than that, all I ask for is a special mention and a link to my profile.

And finally, please review.