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Undertow
So why am I confused if you love me? I thought this would be smooth sailing.
"My heart's in your hands," I had told her. "Don't you go hurt me again."
But even as she nodded and voiced her promise, I knew not to believe her.
Because, in the end, I was just going to force her away, anyways.
----
She hasn't seen me yet.
Neither has he.
I manage a tiny smile when she laughs.
I haven't heard her laugh in days.
I haven't seen her smile in weeks.
I haven't seen her this happy in forever.
She looks beautiful.
She looks like she did when I first met her.
For the longest time, I've felt like I've been drowning.
Sinking in a freezing pool of my own self-pity.
And I guess, somewhere along the line, I pulled her down with me.
She doesn't deserve that, though.
She doesn't deserve any of this.
And, as I stand at the door frame to the living room, watching them, I come to the only conclusion my mind can fathom.
"Atem?"
I have to let her go.
"Atem?" she says again, and my eyes home in on her horrified ones.
"It's okay," I say quietly, and I give her a small smile to reassure her that what I say is the truth. "I understand."
I glance from her to him, then turn away from both of them.
Without hesitating, I trudge up the stairs and into our bedroom.
Then I take out one of the suitcases from the closet and put it on our bed, just as she walks in.
She stands by the doorway, watching me as I empty out my half of the bureau.
I fill the suitcase with my clothes, shoes, accessories, and a few miscellaneous things.
I make sure I'm really ready to walk out this time and never come back.
And when I find the answer in the depths of my heart, I take one last glance around the room.
It looks almost as if I never even existed.
"Atem," she whispers as I zip the suitcase close. "I'm so sorry. I was going to tell you when you got home. I...I just..." She sighs. "I wasn't expecting you home so early..."
I had never considered this my home.
But she doesn't need to know that.
"I'm the one who needs to apologize," I say, looking at her. "Not you."
"Wha -- ?"
"I'm sorry that I led you on," I interrupt her. "I'm sorry that I kept you from being happy."
She stays quiet.
So, I continue.
"I know I forced you to this…If I had been a better boyfriend, then you wouldn't have needed to find other people to make you happy."
I take a deep breath.
And listen as the walls I had built around me begin to crumble.
It's deafening.
"I'm glad you found someone though. I'm glad you're..." I look down at the floor and can't ignore the sting of jealousy that pricks me, "...happy."
Tears are already in her eyes by the time she latches onto me, and she cries and cries until she runs out of tears.
"You'll be happy, too, Atem," she murmurs into my shirt. "I know you will."
I nod, even though I don't believe her.
I nod, because I don't have the heart to tell her the truth.
I'll never be happy.
Because without Yuugi, happiness is nothing but a dream to me.
"Keep in touch, Anzu," I say, pulling away from her after a few more minutes. "If you ever need me, I'm just a call away."
"Thank you, Atem," she whispers, touching the crown of my forehead. "You'll always have a special place in my heart."
"I know," I say, as she lowers her hand to the center of my chest. "You will, too."
She gazes up at me with teary eyes.
"Goodbye, Atem."
I smile back at her sadly.
"Goodbye, Anzu."
Without another word, I walk out, and I leave her standing in the middle of our room.
Except it's not our room anymore.
It's hers.
"Atem, wait," she calls after me, following me out into the hallway.
I twist my head over my shoulder to look at her.
"Yuugi loves you," she tells me suddenly, "as much as you love him. I saw it in his eyes the day you introduced us, the way he looked at you...I just know he loves you."
Don't lie to me, I want to say.
But I don't.
In fact, I don't say anything at all.
I just turn back around and head down the stairs.
I knew this day was coming, so the pain in my heart when I close the front door behind me isn't too hard to bear.
I was planning to leave her anyways.
I had just hoped that when the time came that I did leave, I would've already gathered the courage I needed to tell Yuugi how I truly felt about him.
I guess I was wrong.
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