After Gone

When does the loathing turn to love? And I don't mean love in the gushy Valentine's sense because I don't love Spike. But my body loves his in the most basic fundamental definition of a certain kind of love. The thing is-it must have changed from loathing to love long before I realized it-because the first time? I was horrified and ashamed and afraid but not surprised.

I wish I could say I was under the influence of something-anything-but I wasn't under the influence of anything but despair. I told Willow that I realized today that I didn't want to die. And I have only Spike to thank for that really, if I'm totally honest with myself. I am so thankful for him for that, and that's a kind of love too.