The Party
Shepard was lost. What the hell were a volus, a vorcha and a batarian doing in his apartment?
"Grunt?" he asked cautiously. "Why did you let the volus in?"
"His name is Sheppy," Grunt replied, slurring his words badly. "He said he was your half-brother."
"I don't have a half-brother named Sheppy," Shepard said, fighting for patience. "And even if I did, didn't it occur to you that I couldn't be related to a volus?"
"No," Grunt said flatly. "And besides, his friend was selling cookies. I like cookies." The batarian in question helpfully held out a box of cookies, blue cardboard with swirling comets on it.
"And the vorcha?" Shepard dared to ask, watching the vorcha pretend to be trapped inside an invisible box.
"He's a mime," Grunt said, as if that explained everything.
"Right…" Shepard said, wondering how to get the errant guests out of his apartment. "Listen, maybe Garrus should take over door duty for a little while." Even if he and Zaeed ended up blowing up the would-be guests, that was an improvement on a mime in his apartment… right?
But before he could send Grunt elsewhere, the krogan stepped forward and opened the door again, revealing a brunette woman, a krogan and a salarian. The woman took one look at Shepard and latched onto his arm, almost frothing at the mouth with excitement.
"Commander Shepard! Oh my god, it's really you! Can I have an autograph? Can I take a picture of us together? I've read every article about you. I'm so excited to finally meet you!"
"Grunt!" Shepard complained loudly, but unfortunately, the krogan chose that moment to fulfill his earlier promise to be sick on the floor.
"Eww…" the woman attached to Shepard's arm said, and thankfully she let go, backing away in disgust.
But Grunt was not deterred. "Hey, you brought pie!" he said to the krogan who had just arrived, and grabbed the newcomer by the arm, dragging him off towards the kitchen. "Wrex! Come here! We've got pie!"
Shepard looked up at the salarian with trepidation. "Why are you wearing a false moustache?"
The salarian looked indignant. "False? Why do you think it's false? Why would I be wearing a false moustache?" He sidestepped Shepard and headed towards the bar.
Damn it, he needed to find Garrus and Zaeed, and get them to kick out some of these damned gate crashers. He spotted them both on the balcony and headed that way… but he'd taken only a few steps when the human woman latched onto his arm again.
"This is such a great place. I love the artwork. And the fireplace. And I love you! You're such a hero! You've done so much for humanity, and for the galaxy, and meeting you face to face is such an honor-"
"Shepard?" Shepard turned around, relieved and embarrassed to find Kaidan standing behind him. "Why is a woman I've never seen before stroking your ass?"
"Um… Grunt let her in. Apparently she's a big fan," Shepard tried to explain, wishing she would keep her hands to herself.
"And I'd like to be his girlfriend," the woman babbled, oblivious to Kaidan's indignant disbelief. He gave Shepard a sharp look that said "please explain?" and Shepard returned one of complete and utter bewilderment.
"I see," Kaidan said, then gave the woman a polite smile.
And then he grabbed her by the hair, then spun her around and had her in an arm lock in half a second.
"Here's a little tip," he said darkly, as he escorted her to the door. "He's already spoken for."
