The Batshit Beginning

Disclaimer: ASOUE belongs to Daniel Handler, and all the rights of his characters belong to him, yadda yadda yadda, that's all, good bye, the end.

Rating: PG-13 for language


Chapter Four: "I wanted roast BEEF!"

The process of cooking the Puttanesca Sauce was not as easy as it should have been. Why? Two things. Number One, this is a parody. Number Two, Violet made bonehead mistakes that are hilarious, as you will soon find out.

When Klaus was chopping the anchovies, Violet though the knife was something she could pedicure her nails with. She ended up losing the tops of her fingers and I had to show her mercy and magically regrow them for her.

When Sunny was slicing the capers, Violet hated the smell and sprayed perfume all over the place, forcing Sunny to start over with some new capers I gave her.

When Klaus was mixing the tomato sauce, Violet decided to use it as nail polish. This made the room messy, and I had to magically clean it up.

After several screw ups by Violet, who showed no sign of learning from her mistakes, I decided to put her in stasis until dinner was ready.

Justice Strauss was next door, attacking the weeds in her garden with a massive pair of scissors. She periodically yelled at Geraldine Julienne, who was watching her and trying to make a newspaper article about it.

Mr. Poe got arrested for marijuana possession, and I had to bail him out of jail.

But eventually, the Puttanesca Pasta was ready.

Not a moment too soon, as Olaf and his drunken comrades burst through the door right as dinner was being served on the plates. Violet quickly got into a position where it looked like she had actually served her purpose, a phrase which here means, "helped her siblings cook Puttanesca Pasta and not complain about her nails."

Count Olaf strode into the kitchen.

"We're ready to serve your pasta," Klaus said. "We've got pudding for dessert."

"That's nice, but where's the roast beef?" Olaf asked.

"Huh?" Sunny asked.

"Huh?" Klaus asked.

"Like, huh?" Violet asked.

"Roast beef," Olaf repeated. "You know, beef that has been roasted!"

"We know what it is," Klaus retorted.

"Then why didn't you make it?" Olaf asked.

"You, like, didn't tell us that you wanted, like, roast beef!" Violet responded.

"Dumbass," Sunny said.

Olaf was very angry, but he soon smiled wickedly. "Fine then, if you didn't make any roast beef, then I guess I'll have to make it myself!"

He then cut the Baudelaires into pieces and roasted them. He served to his friends, and there was—wait, oh God, I'm sorry, I can't seem to get the image of crazy people who use children as a meat substitute. Please excuse this paragraph and the above one.

Olaf was very angry, but that anger soon turned into a bizarre display of crying. Yes, you read that right, he was crying. I italicized the "crying" for a reason. It's to show incredulity. Moving on.

"Why didn't y-you make r-r-roast b-b-beef!?" Olaf sobbed. "I know your parents d-died, b-but can't you think about other p-people for a s-s-second!?"

"I told you, you didn't tell us you wanted it in the letter," Klaus tried to explain. "Maybe you shouldn't get so drunk when you write them?"

"W-w-what!?" Olaf sobbed. "Y-you s-sound so m-much l-l-liked my m-mother. S-she always t-told m-me I was too drunk to d-do anything r-r-right!"

Sunny rolled her eyes. Olaf was being so immature.

"I mean, I wanted roast beeeeeeeeeef, but you're too heartless to care!" Olaf had crossed the line from babyish to creepy. "Just like my mother who never loved me!"

Oh, your mother loved you just fine.

That seemed to snap Olaf out of it.

"Yeah, she did, unlike you ungrateful brats!" he snarled.

"Oh my God, what does this, like, have to do with us?" Violet asked.

"It isn't about us," Klaus explained. "It's about him."

"Damn right it is!" Olaf yelled. "I demand that you serve roast beef this instant!"

"We don't have any because you didn't tell us you wanted roast beef!" Klaus yelled back.

"Puttanesca!" Sunny added.

"Oh, Olaf, oh Olaf, where are you, old man? The saucer is as big as a frying pan!" Olaf's drunken friends were wondering where he was. They sang a song, trying to create rhythm, and failed epically.

Count Olaf called them in, and his theatre troupe appeared one by one. There was a man with hooks for hands named Fernald. There was a bald man with a long nose named Mr. Botox.

Mr. Botox glared at me.

What? Hey, that's the name I'm assigning you in this parody. Live with it.

Mr. Botox insulted my mother under his breath, and I turned him into a toad for five seconds as punishment. When it was over, he agreed to behave.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

There were two women with their faces painted a ghastly white color. Their names were Flo and Rush. There was an enormously large hermaphrodite named Albert. There was a man with warts all over his faces named Collin. There was also quite a few other people who serve only the purpose of filling in at Olaf's dinner party and are never seen again.

"We've found you, we've found you've, you silly old man," they sang. "The dope is as strong as a raspberry tram!"

Olaf and the children exchanged bamboozled glances for a moment, then Olaf spoke.

"I am just telling these children to make roast beef," he said. "Instead of some stupid pasta!"

"Well you children must be very unintelligent," Fernald said. "Either that, or disobedient. Might I suggest the torture chamber you used for those stupid neighborhood kids you used to hire, Olaf?"

"It's no good," Count Olaf said. "I've turned it into a bedroom."

"I told you that was a stupid idea," Mr. Botox said.

"Well, enough talk," Collin said. "Let's get drunk and have dinner!"

"Good idea!" Olaf cheered, forgetting about his anger at not being served roast beef. "Did anyone remember to invite the strippers for the after party in the tower?"

After Olaf and his associates were out of earshot, the Baudelaires let lose a tirade of swearing.

"Bastard dick asshole!" Klaus swore. "Who does he think he is!?"

"Damn taint ho!" Violet swore. "He is, like, totally uber pooper right now!"

"Sonofabitch!" Sunny swore, which meant, "We should report him to the authorities!"

"We can't," Klaus said dejectedly. "Being displeased and crying like a baby over not getting the meal he wanted doesn't qualify as child abuse."

"Stupid," Sunny said.

"Dinner, dinner, dinner," Count Olaf and his theatre troupe chanted like a bunch of eight-year-olds. "Dinner, dinner, dinner!"

"Well, we better serve them dinner," Klaus said.

"This, like, totally sucks," Violet complained.

"Word," Sunny agreed.

The three Baudelaires glumly served the dinner around the table. Mr. Botox and Fernald got into an argument about Pokémon cards. Flo and Rush were arguing over which actor who played James Bond was the hottest. Count Olaf and Collin were discussing the qualities of alcohol that gave them such a buzz when they were drunk. Collin was thinking up ways to enhance the buzzing effect, which was quite an interesting concept to Olaf. His eyes gleamed as he imagined a get rich quick scheme around the aforementioned concept.

When they were done serving, they went back into the kitchen and ate their food.

Before long, the chanting began again, and the children cleaned up the dinner dishes and served the chocolate pudding for dessert.

By now, the troupe was extremely drunk. Mr. Botox had put a lamp shade on his head and was doing a break dance on the table. Fernald was dancing as if he were in a disco. Collin and Count Olaf were bursting into random bits of laughing, interrupted only by random bits of groaning. Flo and Rush had passed out, and were dreaming dreams about Orlando Bloom that were too disturbing for me to write about.

You may have wondered where the other people have gone. Like I've said before, the only purpose they served was that one scene.

After the pudding was eaten, Count Olaf and his troupe staggered up from their seats and around the room.

"All right, kids," Olaf ordered. "Go ahead and clean up this room. My associates and I are going up to the tower, and the stripers will be here soon. You are not to intrude on us during this time, and you are to go straight to your beds when the stripers arrive."

"Beds!?" Klaus asked incredulously. "You only gave us one bed!"

"And it, like, totally sucks!" Violet added, and for once Klaus agreed with her. "It's not even, like, really a bed, it's just a board with, like, a mattress tossed on top of it!"

"Oooooooooh!" the members of Count Olaf's troupe chorused as if they were in a private elementary school and the orphans had just mouthed off a nun.

Count Olaf glared at the kids. "You've got money, so you can buy your own shit whenever you feel like it!"

"I can't, like, use it until I'm, like, eighteen!" Violet protested.

"You know that!" Klaus admonished.

"Dumbass!" Sunny said.

"Oooooooooh!" the troupe said again, exciting at whatever was going to happen next.

"I'll have you know," Count Olaf said in a deadly quiet voice, "I was raised in a Catholic School where the nuns were very severe, and you're behavior would have resulted in a ruler being slapped onto your hands. Since I don't have ruler, I'll have to settle for this!"

With that last sentence, Olaf reached down and struck the children across the face one by one.

"OUCH!" Klaus yelled, rubbing his face

"Like, Ouch!" Violet yelled, also rubbing her face. "That, like, really hurt!"

"Abuse!" Sunny said in agreement.

The theatre troupe laughed and guffawed.

"Oh please," Mr. Botox said. "My mother used to spank me with an oar when I was disrespectful!"

"That's nothing," Fernald boasted. "My mother tied me to a tree in my backyard and only fed me once every two days if I misbehaved."

"Are you kidding?" Collin asked. "My mother locked me in the basement for a week when I was bad!"

"Our parents made us wear bags over our heads!" Flo and Rush chimed in unison.

"Blargh!" roared Albert the hermaphrodite.

The other members of the troupe stared at it for a second, before remembering that he couldn't talk.

"Consider yourselves lucky," Olaf said to the children, "that none of those things have happened to you…yet."

He and his friends went upstairs laughing.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were now forced to contemplate the intense suckishness of their predicament.

"This, like, could not suck any worse!" Violet complained.

At that point, a radio announcement blared throughout the town.

"This just in, the city's sixth most important financial advisor has pressured Luvrentown lawmakers into making it illegal to give Abercrombie and Fitch products to anyone except herself. That is all, thank you!"

Violet gasped.

Klaus and Sunny braced themselves.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The entire city of Luvrentown stopped what they were doing and looked fearfully around for the source of the disturbing sound they just heard.


Here's Chapter Four. I'm planning on having a confrontation between Mr. Poe and Olaf about the values of peace and love for the next chapter. How will it end? Read on to find out!