In three words I can sum
up everything I've learned
about life: it goes on.
~Robert Frost
The moment from not an hour prior haunted my thoughts as we stood in the cage. The optimism in the air had been palatable. Hershel was up and moving around the prison. Seeming to promise that we could face anything. That the bleakness and lack of stability were things we left beyond the fence. We might be able to recover and be something resembling what we once were, behind the fences.
Everyone had paused in that moment to savor it. The feeling that we could be. Unconscious of what they were doing my eyes had found Daryl between two fences and 500 yards away. His behavior hadn't change like Rick's did. There was no recognition of me as anything. Why would there be? But there he was, the man who save my life, and that moment we seemed just slightly better. In that moment there was hope, and we all knew it.
But that moment had passed and now we were stunned into silence that seemed deafening after the prison's riot alarm had been shut off. "They must have gotten the alarms shut off." Hershel said in his matter-of-fact way. Beth and I both took a small bit of comfort from this, some things would remain the same. And the way Hershel provided comfort would probably never change.
"I think it might be okay if we got out of here" I said looking between Beth and Hershel, "Just don't go too far from the cage." As we exited the cage they stood on the stoop and watched worriedly as I jumped down and stalked around the corner leading to the back of the yard making sure there weren't any more walkers. Minutes of silence passed until Rick and the others came running out of the prison hoping to find everyone in the yard again.
Rick broke the silence running out of the door to the Tombs "Hershel!"
"You didn't find them?" Hershel asked immediately as everyone halted before the stairs. It was just rick, Daryl, Glenn, and the two prisoners Axel and Oscar.
"We thought maybe they came back out here." Glenn said looking at the worried faces of his family. The desperation we all shared echoed in his voice.
"What about T? Carol?" Hershel asked giving voice to the question we all wanted to ask but didn't have the heart to ask.
And it was Daryl who shook his head and looking at the ground said "They didn't make it." His hand clenched a bit tighter around the scarf she had worn around her head.
"That doesn't mean the others didn't." Rick said desperation in his voice. "Daryl you come with-", he was cut off by the sound of a baby's cry.
The shock was sudden and shattering, perfectly embodied by the baby's cry that informed us of the final cost of the day. In that moment we all lost something more profound than what we lost with Carol or what T-Dog took with him to his savior. Lori took the innocent belief that we could go back. No matter how safe we may one day feel, Lori's death will always be in the minds of those who heard her child's wailing shriek, a reminder that we will never be what we were.
Rick's pleading cries were the first sound uttered and echoed desperately in all our hearts. Unconsciously we all began to move closer together seeking comfort in those that we survived this hell with. Daryl's shoulders remained burdened by his grief at Carol's loss; I was lost in my own shame at having not run after her. We had grown close through the cold months, most especially when the spring thaw threatened not only the ground by also my own heart. It was Carol who smiled as though she had always known.
But somehow he was able to snap out of the shock faster than the rest of us. He went up to Rick almost immediately, and asked "Rick you with me?"
When he didn't get any response, his and everyone's attention quickly turned to the baby we would later call Judith; Hershel asked to look at her and happily declared that despite everything we had been through during the winter she was somehow healthy.
He had worriedly said that she would need formula almost immediately, and in that moment I had kicked myself for not thinking of it and grabbing a can or two after joining them. Surely we had gone through a place that had had some. Looking back I can't believe I so naively believed that the baby would be breast feed, it was the ideal situation for everyone but in this life couldn't be expected.
Daryl immediately stated that we would not lose her or anyone else that day and that he would go on a run. Taking quick steps towards the fence he glanced at me. It's easy to say now that I knew he wanted me to stay and look after everything because of the breach but in those moments the only thing I could hear were the baby's cries. Maggie immediately said she had to go too, and Glenn in his concern for her said he would go too. So I stayed by Hershel, Carl, Beth and the baby; and silently promised that if they weren't okay when the others got back I wouldn't be either. Daryl was right, we couldn't lose another person.
In the end Daryl ended up taking Maggie on the bike; honestly if you had to have a vehicle at least a motorcycle could get through most situations when compared to a car. But it's still depending on limited technology, eventually all the gas in the country will be gone. Honestly it was probably better with two of us there; he went out and began digging the graves we would need and I cleaned out the cell block. And Rick, well he was wherever he was, I think at some point Glenn went off to find him. After I got the Walkers killed in the cellblock I had to get them out and the place cleaned. It wasn't particularly easy but it had to be done.
Axel and Oscar helped get the bodies out the cell block after they spread the walkers outside the fence a bit. After the work was all done the rest of the time passed monotonously slowly. That was what life turned into bursts of boredom interspaced by periods of complete terror. A bit after dark and long after Judith began lamenting her empty stomach we heard the roar of the Triumph coming up the road.
The Triumph had barely stopped before Maggie rushed off the bike and into the cell block. Rushing after her I felt Daryl at my shoulder. As soon as he was in the room with little Judith Daryl scooped her out of her brother's arms and managed to sooth her cries where the rest of us had failed. Maggie and Beth hurriedly mixed a bottle and handed it to the only person who could pacify her cries.
He didn't look at any of us until she took the bottle and began sucking down the formula. The smile on his face when he did was absolutely divine. He looked so proud; and if the man could glow Daryl certainly was. He looked like he had been reintroduced to a side of him that he had thought long lost. Just for a moment.
Just for a moment, we saw a side to Daryl Dixon that he didn't show us; it was only a moment but that moment is precious to me. The man who viciously took out walkers all winter to defend us exposed to us. Sharing a secret about his life before the outbreak. His behavior explained in a moment.
"Okay everyone bed. It's been a long day and we need to get a lot done tomorrow," Hershel said shooing everyone towards the cell block.
"Yeah we'll be heading back to the tower," Glenn said his arm around Maggie as they turned towards the door. His eyes lingered a moment on Daryl and the baby, he was affectionately referring to as Lil' Asskicker. She was going to grow up with quite the vocabulary.
Daryl glanced up from the baby for just a moment, the barest hint of the man who had stood before us a moment only visible in his eyes. "I'll take first watch." His smile warmed my heart and I couldn't stop my own smile from spreading across my face.
"Okay Hershel, let's get your leg checked out." I say ushering him towards the cell block.
"After you Bell," he said gesturing with a crutch towards the block. Acquiescing him I walked into the cell block, with one last look over my shoulder at Daryl. He had returned his attention to the baby who had finished her bottle. He was throwing the red rag over his shoulder to burp her. And that was last image of him I had until I woke later.
