Here's a little something before Christmas. If I don't post another chapter before then,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

CHAPTER FOUR

CRAIG

DECEMBER 14th (Friday)

'Life is a roller coaster you just have to ride it...'

I listen to the lyrics of the cheesy pop song before slamming my alarm clock radio off. Damn right life's a roller coaster but you know what? Right now, give me the God damn Avalanche, that's what I say. I'm sick of the ups and downs, I just want a nice, steady, easygoing life thanks very much. No highs and lows, no sudden curves and sickening drops. I don't need unexpected, I'd be quite happy right now to just sit in the toboggan with JP and have a nice, fairly fast, sometimes exciting, leisurely ride down the slope.

Excitement is over rated, life is too fast sometimes, so fast it feels like you're accelerating at a hundred miles an hour and you know what? It's fucking scary. Yeah, roller coasters give you an almighty adrenaline rush and can be fun but right now I'd settle for it just slowing down and pulling into the station. I want to get off, go find JP and get on the Avalanche where I can wrap my arms around him and snuggle up close but I can't, I can't because I'm stuck here and he's back in Hollyoaks and you know who's fault that is? Mine!

I look at the clock and see that it's almost half eight. My first lecture is at eleven, which gives me plenty of time to text him and say good morning.

By the time I get off the phone, I feel a lot better. He brought up the trip to Lapland and sounds excited...if you can tell that from a text and he had me laughing when he had a bit of a whine about home. The thought of him living in his house with a priest has to be the funniest thing I've heard all week. I just hope he remembers to put that new lock his mum got him on his door so he doesn't get any unwanted interruptions.

I did have a moment with him there where the lows I was feeling were coming through loud and clear but I hope I managed to mask them and put him at ease. The last thing I need is JP worrying about me here and chucking everything in to come over here unannounced, throwing away everything he's been working towards the last few months and besides, I've just got too much to do and too much riding on the next two weeks to have to explain everything as well. It's for the best that I keep everything to myself for now, that way I won't feel guilty if things don't work out.

I've been absolutely crazy busy the last couple of months, first moving in to the mid terraced house that's about twenty minutes from the University in a part of the city where loads of students live, then sorting transport and stuff and lastly actually enrolling, seeing through freshers week and knuckling down to being a student again.

It was tough. My timetable wasn't so bad but the assignments I'd been given took up a lot of spare time...maybe because I was investing so much of myself into them, actually putting my ideas into practice rather than just writing them on paper. On the plus side, I was getting to know lots of new people, not to mention the new house mates I'd found and within the first week I found that the social scene was as hectic or slow as you wanted it to be. For me, the busier I was the better because as soon as I stopped to take a breath, I'd think of John Paul and start to wallow. I knew that for things with me and him to work I'd need to keep my spirits up or he'd soon get fed up of the 'woe is me' routine. The last thing he'd need to be hearing all the time was how I was alone in the house, pining for him. That's why I'd made it my mission to throw myself into anything and everything going, see what being a university student had to offer and build up some life experience in the mean time.

I made time every day to talk to or text John Paul, the sound of his voice, hearing his laughter, imagining his face, his eyes, his smile...it kept me going, reminded me why it was I still wanted to do this now. That first two weeks I'd been ready to call it quits more than once but I'd stuck with it, telling myself I needed to find a purpose and stick with it, if not for my sake than for ours as a couple.

I head downstairs, almost bumping into Gavin as he walks out of the lounge, plate and empty mug in hand.

"Alright mate, I didn't know you were still here...coffee" he asks in his thick Irish brogue, smiling at me as he goes past towards the kitchen.

"I'd love one, everything alright?" I sit myself down on the counter, then jump straight back off when I realise that might not look very hygienic to my...my what? House mate?

"Not bad, Keith was having a bit of bother with the washing machine door not opening but everything else is sound" he says. I grin, the way Gavin pronounces the 'th' sounds with a 't' still making me smile. God, the amount of times I'd tried to copy it when talking to John Paul, making him laugh when I'd said that every't'ing was fine and telling him all about Kei't's exploits. Keith is the other tenant and the guy who, with his girlfriend Gemma, occupies the largest bedroom in the house.

"Oh, can you use my mug?" I open the cupboard behind me and take out the Blackpool mug, the one from the Pleasure Beach, smiling my thanks as I hand it to him. He rolls his eyes and pours the coffee and sugar from the Simpson mug into mine before popping it back on the draining board.

"Cheers mate". Gavin passes me the steaming mug of coffee and leans on the counter opposite, watching me, grinning when I start to become flustered beneath his gaze. Then he chuckles to himself and starts drinking his drink, blowing on it as he continues to watch me over the rim. I take a couple of sips before checking out the washing machine, finally getting the door open after messing with it a bit.

"It should be alright, the catch is a bit stiff and it's not drained properly so I'll get someone to take a look at it" I tell him, storing that reminder at the back of my brain for the time being.

"Nice one, so..."

"So?"

"Tonight's the big night eh?"

"What're you on about?" I ask but I've got this weird sinking feeling that I know exactly what he's talking about.

"Date night isn't it?" I hold my hands out, looking incredulous but he just shrugs, cupping his hands around his drink. "What? It's a secret? We all heard you whispering to that Kelly about it last night...never knew you had it in you Craig" he says teasingly, throwing me a wink. I feel myself blushing, just about managing not to groan aloud. Oh God, it's worse than I thought. Gavin rinses his cup out, pausing as he makes his way towards me, clapping me on the shoulder as he passes. "Can't say I blame you mate, we've all got to get our kicks somehow" he sticks his tongue out and gives me this really dirty look, one that has me cringing and laughing in equal measures.

Fuck! It's bad enough as it is, feeling like I'm completely out of touch when it comes to dating or, well, whatever you'd call this. The last thing I needed was my house mates knowing all about it too. Christ, I'd never hear the end of it. The last time I had a date was the night before my flight and John Paul had taken me to that new gastro pub in Chester. We'd been high on life after spending the whole of the day together but at the same time, filled with dread at my impending departure. This wasn't exactly a date, all things considered but it was the nearest I'd come to one in months and the whole idea was making me nervous.

As if somehow reading my thoughts, I get a text.

Hey babes, how goes it?

I smile and head into the lounge with my brew when I see it's a text from Kelly.

Not bad, I'm a bit nervous about tonight!

Aww, don't B nervous, I won't bite. LOL

I laugh out load at that one, picturing Kelly in my minds eye the last time I saw her. The poor guy didn't stand a chance. She's probably remembering the same thing because I get another text before I have chance to compile one in return.

Well, maybe just a little!

LOL, way to put a guy at ease.

No seriously, you'll be fine, it's like riding a horse

I've never ridden a horse.

A bike then, stop worrying, you'll mess up that pretty face of yours.

Ha ha, get lost. How r u BTW?

She has a tendency when talking on the phone or texting to make the conversation one sided, always checking to see how I am and asking what I've been up to. Sometimes I forget that she probably has things going on too.

Lucky 4 u, I'm gr8. Ready to get u turned on and tuned in, so to speak. If that's still the plan? ;-)

Ha ha ha!

I re read her text, my hands trembling like they had every other time I'd thought about it this last week. Did I still want to? Of course I still bloody wanted to. Phone sex is all well and good but sometimes a man needs a little more and it'd been almost three months since I'd last seen, well, since I'd seen, touched and said goodbye to John Paul at the airport. I'd though about touching him, being close to him every day since but I couldn't do that so this was the next best thing. If I couldn't touch him then...

If you've changed yr mind that's fine.

Before I over think things and bail out, I send a quick reply back.

R U kidding? I'm looking forward 2 it, like I say, just nervous.

So about 9 then?

Make it ten if that's okay. I've got a couple of things to sort first.

Okay, ten it is. What time r u and John Paul hooking up?

He's home about 1, so that gives us plenty of time.

Right, give me a ring l8r then.

Will do!

Oh and Craig?

Yes?

Don't fret, you'll B fine. x

I laugh at that last bit, wishing it were true but knowing that no matter what she says or does, it won't dissipate the butterflies that are wreaking havoc in my stomach at the prospect. Sometimes I wish I could have Kelly's confidence, the unwavering assurance she has in herself. I feel out of my depth with this situation, even though, with John Paul I've never felt anything but good about myself physically, there's just something different about this. Oh well, too late to dwell on it now, especially when I've already set things in motion. Who am I kidding though? As nervous as I am, I'm bloody excited at the prospect too.

Looking at my phone as I delete the messages, I see that time is getting on and I'd best get a move on if I want to be ready for the presentation. I grab my mug, taking it into the kitchen, washing and drying it carefully before putting it back in the cupboard and then head upstairs to take a quick shower.

I make sure the lock is on the door before stepping beneath the shower, letting the jets of water pour over me as I lather myself in the same shower gel that John Paul always uses. It took me ages to find that exact fragrance once I'd come to Ireland but on my fourth day here, I finally found it stocked in the little convenience store on the edge of the campus. I hardly ever use it now because it's too much of a distraction and reminder of him but today, doing the presentation, I want to feel closer to him, want to feel like he's standing there with me, beaming back at me proudly as I address the room.

Having his scent all around me makes me think of the times we'd showered together in Blackpool and the morning we woke up at the Barnes' residence. Just thinking about the way he soaped me up has me reaching between my legs to grasp my cock, the memory of my hands sliding over his body and his touching mine, bringing it to life in my hand. Minutes later, I'm panting heavily and biting my lip to stop myself crying out his name as I come. Resting my arm on the cold tiles, I drop my head onto it, closing my eyes as my orgasm shudders through my body making me tremble. I could've waited until tonight, probably should've done but the instant the thoughts had permeated into my brain, I'd been helpless to stop myself. Washing away the evidence of my desire, I step from the shower, wiping the condensation from the mirror as I lift my gaze to stare at myself.

Do I look different? I run my fingers over the short, dark smattering of hair covering my cheeks, wondering what he'd think of it. Would he like it or would it irritate his skin, leave a burn on that perfect complexion of his? My hairs grown out a little too, it's thicker and fuller on top, swept back and to the side when my fingers stroke through it. Sitting down on the edge of the bath, I think about what he might be doing now. Maybe he's already in class...I think about it then shake my head. No, Fridays he always hits the library to read as he says it's the only place he can get any peace and quiet these days. Then I find myself thinking about his set at The Loft tonight, my mind drifting through a list of tracks he might play. God I can picture him so clearly behind the decks, eyes shining, glass of water or a bottle of lager in his hand as he mixes the tracks together so effortlessly.

I hate that I can't see him doing his thing, hate that he's there and I'm here doing...doing what exactly? I feel the warm wetness of tears as they make tracks down my cheeks, dashing them away angrily with my hands, determined not to slip into this annoying melancholy on what may just be the best day I've had since leaving him. Shit! I have to stop thinking about him because it's eating me alive.

Splashing cold water on my face and dabbing it away with a towel, I check out my reflection, making sure there's no physical evidence remaining of the heartache I'm feeling. I miss him, I miss him so much, more than I ever knew it was possible but I have to get on, otherwise all this is for nothing. That in mind, I head to my room and take down the smart shirt and trousers that I'd got ready to wear, pushing thoughts of John Paul to the back of my mind as I go over my presentation in my head. There's too much riding on this to fuck it up now, just because I can't hold it together. I just have to keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end and if I keep telling myself that then maybe I'll start to believe it. Besides, tonight is different because I've, kind of, got a date and that thought alone should be enough to cheer me up and get me through another day.

Finally ready, I shrug into my coat and scarf and grab my laptop bag, portfolio and keys and head outside, calling out to Gavin that I'm leaving. As soon as I leave the warmth of the house, the cold, crisp morning air hits me, biting at my cheeks as I skip down the steps to the footpath.

"Deano, mate! I was just gonna call you?".I fucking hate that name...hate it. I turn smiling.

"Az, mate, how are you?" I call him mate but Aaron's more of an acquaintance really, one of the lads that I see every week at the parties and social meetings.

"Not bad, you still on for tonight? It's going to be rockin". Yep, just like it is every Friday.

"As always, usual place?" He jumps from foot to foot excited, like going out and getting mashed on a Friday night is a novelty or something.

"Yeah, you're picking up Sian and Lisa first though?" Bollocks, I'd forgotten about them. I make a mental note to write it down once I get to class so I don't forget and leave them waiting, kicking myself for not doing that in the first place. I really have to start filling in the diary I bought so I don't end up double booking myself.

"Yes! I'm meeting them at The Wheatsheaf and you're going to be at the Lock and Quay right?" I point my finger giving him a wink. He steps forward and pats me on the back, almost knocking me over, he packs such a punch. He grabs my arm as he rightens me.

"Sorry mate, don't know my own strength". I shrug my shoulders, brushing away the apology as being unnecessary.

"Oh don't forget, I'm leaving earlier tonight so..."

"Don't wait for you...I get you Deano, hot date eh?" He leers at me lewdly and winks in one of the most bizarre acts of salaciousness I've ever had the misfortune of seeing.

"Hot?" I grin, unable to keep the wicked glint from my eye, "Yeah, you could say that...see ya later!" I call, patting his arm and setting off at a jog before he has time to stop and question me further.

As always, thanks so much for reading, comments and replies are greatly appreciated.

Nicky xx