Chapter 4

The familiar feeling of cold. Damp and FUCKING cold. He was a homeless again.

His mam hadn't wasted much time booting him out. She'd been very pleasant when she'd first come around, but it hadn't taken much longer than three cups of tea for her to remember again why she'd decided she wanted him out in the first place.

He groaned and gathered his thin jacket around him.

You never felt skinnier than after a night with your knees and ankles knocking against the ground. At least the coffin had been quite nice and padded.

He had always hated being skinny. In a previous life he would have made up for it with his cherub like features and curls. But there wasn't much to work with when you hadn't washed, let alone conditioned, your hair in upwards of three weeks.

He blinked slightly into the sunshine. It was getting quite nice and warm now thank god. He huddled into himself and grinned idiotically into the sunshine. You could afford to not care about gormlessness of facial expression after what he'd been through.

But now, what was this? A heavy shadow suddenly blocked the warm rays.

"Oh aaaaaye."

There was a shuffling. It sounded for the world like Ugg boots.

"What yer dooeen dahn therrre? Look at yoh, right scrubber you arh!"

Such heavenly sounds to his ears. Surely they could have only been uttered by an angel?

He opened his eyes tentatively. There she was towering over him. Bloody nice she looked, as well.

"Kelly…"

An unusual feeling tickled his cheeks. Was this what people felt when they were embarrassed? He hadn't really known embarrassment before. People like him didn't feel the stings of everyday embarrassment as a rule- that was for people who had shame.

Shite. He was unshowered, garbed in dress salvaged from the overspill of a clothes bank, moneyless, wretched… and smelling to high heaven. She couldn't see him like this. What did he say to her? What did people in love with other people say to one another?

And she had hurt him. She had got off with that bloke while he was freshly buried. Fucking bitch.

Panic overtook him. This was not a time to be trying out new things. This was all so unfamiliar: the first postcoital meeting with a girl he had spent intimate time with, who he had to actually see again, nay, who he actually wanted to see again.

This was all wrong, screamed his conscience.

This was all wrong.

Nathan had turned into someone he couldn't even recognise. Love was supposed to be a force for good but look where it kept getting him.

No. No no no.

Best to stick to what he knew. This had to stop here.

He stumbled onto his feet and summoned up his bastardiest sneer.

"Oh," he started, scrabbling for some sort of conversation point to work with. He tried to assume the air of someone who hadn't just been caught sleeping in a doorway on the waterfront and had simply bumped into her while out on very important business that he was at pains to be interrupted in.

"Did you just say something? I thought I just heard some sort of… guttural foreign noise or something being uttered… it sounded a bit like… I don't know… some sort of poor person noise."

Damnit, thought Nathan. That was low of him. He liked his barbs to have a sting to them but broaching class issues was a bit below the belt even for him.

Kelly looked at him, in her adorable scallyly way. She looked slightly hurt.

His heart nearly broke. This was really tough.

She brought a highly acryliced nail to her mouth nervously and then changed her mind like she wanted to nibble it but was trying not to.

"I just come 'ere to see if you were arrh righ?" She stuttered. She looked abashed, pink slightly. "I wann'ed to explain abou' yestuhrday marningg un tha' bloke and tha'… it wasn't what it looked lahke. He's just a mate of me muhm's, he was just wahnding you up lahke."

Her face was earnest and open, her eyes glistening slightly. She seemed a little bit embarrassed too. It had probably taken lots of guts for her to say… well, whatever it was she had just said.

He noticed that she had worn her hair down today. It was soft-looking and fluffy and free of flammable chemicals. This was a relief as she had one lit cigarette in her hand and another tucked behind her ear. Cutely. It was probably another sign she was really nervous, bless her, she chain-smoked like Pat Butcher when she was nervey. He had noticed that.

"So are yoh?" she said. "Are yoh arllrigh'? You look a bit poorlay, have you eaten owt?"

He felt his face softening.

He smiled at her a little, and stepped forward. She was quite small really. He gestured to her ear, asking silently if he could bum a fag.

She handed it over in an instant, like it was some sort of food ration for the poor.

God she was generous.

He looked at her for a while and then sighed. "I am all right, yes. And no, we don't have to talk about anything. You don't have to explain…"

He looked away. What the hell. He felt the voices in his head urging him not to say it but he couldn't help it. The words were pulling at his lips:

"You look… nice today."

Shit. God fucking damn this girl. He was going to have to go and scrape down his tongue or something with one of those things they advertise on youtube. What a sickening, over the top, gushing, despicable thing to have passed through his lips. How could he live with himself after having come out with such a thing? People who said things like that had no right not to be strung up, how could he claim to be an exception anymore?

And now she was stepping closer and smiling shyly.

And his hand was reaching out…

"Oooh-whit-whooo!" sang a voice from around the corner.

It was Alisha. Followed shortly after by Curtis. Who echoed her sentiments.

Quite the comedy act they were these two, these days. Apparently.

And they did it again. That most feared of school-ground taunts. Nathan knew he should not let the power of the 'whitwhoo' extend to sabotage his adult romantic life, but dear god it was a powerful thing.

"So I take it..?" Simon began timidly, looking between Nathan and Kelly.

Nathan panicked and stepped away. "You take what?"

That uncomfortable reddening feeling about the cheeks was resurfacing. The embarrassment hit like a ton of bricks.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!" Nathan garbled shrilly. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

There was silence.

Alisha broke the silence. "Weell, you and Kell! You're having a 'moment'!" she said smiling knowingly. "It's okay, it's sweet! We don't think lesser of you for it or anything Nathan, if anything it's niice!"

Simon piped up again too. "Maybe we should leave them to it."

He laughed theatrically loudly. Still silence. He went for broke and made his best 'get-a-load-of-this-guy' face at Simon.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" he said probably slightly too loudly. "This is NOT a moment! You don't need to 'leave us to it'" he half shout manically, as though uttering dirty words. I WAS JUST TELLING KELLY HER BOOBS LOOKED NICE BUT SHE PROBABLY OUGHT TO LAY OFF THE POUNDS. Okay? Is that okay?"

He looked at the faces around him. They didn't seem convinced enough. He needed to do something a little bigger. He looked in Kelly's direction and before he could think about it properly, grabbed her aforementioned breastal areas and made a theatrical squeezing gesture.

There. That would do it. Masculinity reasserted. Another thought popped into his head: his squeezing Kelly's boobs might actually confirm rather than dispel embarrassing accusations of single-partner grown-up love type relations.

Best do something about that quickly too.

He looked around wildly.

"And oh look Simon, you'll appreciate this, fine specimen of heterosexual that you are!" Nathan half-hollered, gesturing relievedly towards a passing female who might hopefully shift their attention. "MORE large boobs to behold! This is a very good day for boobs all round. Not a good day for what you were talking about just now though. Whatever you were about to suggest. About me and Kelly. So yeah I guess I'll just go and ask this woman out. For sex. See what she thinks."

Kelly's face was folding up. He hadn't seen her cry before. Right. So that was what that looked like. It wasn't that nice a thing to see actually. It was making him feel pretty horrible. Alisha and Simon looked like they wanted to lynch him on her behalf.

He stubbed his cigarette out quickly and figured it might be time to leave.

"Hmm…" he squeaked, surveying the bloodied battleground. "See yers!"

He strode towards the randomly selected lady in question confidently, not looking back.

What was he doing? Bloody hell.

It wasn't really news to him that he had no self control but fuck, this was like his legs and mouth were just flagrantly disregarding all other input from say conscience, good taste, decency.

He could feel their eyes burning his retreating back.

He didn't look at the lady in the face before he did it, but his expression was shockingly close to apologetic as he went in for his second round of inappropriate boob-squeezing in as many minutes. In retrospect, looking back, he supposed his actions were just those of a man so dedicated to his vocation as entertainer that he could not let the opportunity to round off his performance slide so easily and seeing as his friends were still gawping at him as he went how could he resist.

Big-boob lady was almost business-like as she dished out a very efficient slap. Nathan, obviously, was not hugely surprised. People who indulge in that kind of behaviour tend to know what they're getting themselves into, repercussions-wise.

What did surprise him was the snap movement of her other hand as she whipped out a leather bound police badge.

"Nathan Young?" She inquired. "C.I.D. Do you watch the Bill?"

"No, but I think I know what you might be about to say. I mean, I haven't got the faintest idea what this might be to do with, of course." He gulped. "But am I by any chance, nicked?"

She smiled serenely and two uniformed officers appeared at her side.

"You are yes. We are going to be taking you into custody following some reports of indecent behaviour on the part of your neighbours, and I'd say you've more than satisfied our inquiries into that." She nodded. "You do not have to say anything," she began cheerfully "but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in cour-"

"Yeah ok," he groaned. He lowered his voice. "I do watch the Bill, as it goes, so you can save your breath." He shook himself out, and cooperated. Best do this with dignity if he was going to do it.

"Do me a favour?" he asked quietly. "See that group of young people over there? The unseemly looking ones? Are they watching this?"

The police officer nodded.

"Do they look upset, or are they laughing? Especially the girl, do you see her, the one with the long hair? Does she seem impressed?" He tried to glance around but the police lady's male colleague pinned him to the wall.

"I wouldn't say so."

At that point he was roughly repositioned by the bloke so they could check his front, so he did a get a decent view of Kelly's reaction. Or rather, lack of. She was facing away, studiously, over the lake. Could she hear thoughts with her back turned like that?

He screwed his face.

"KELLY. If you are listening: please please please help me."

He couldn't see her face but she flinched a bit, in what looked like a 'hmmph'.

"It doesn't have to be now if you don't like. You can just swing by if you like a bit later. Once I've been punished a bit. Maybe sort out some bail for me?" Another hmmph.

Jesus. Was this really going to have to be the time for him to say those words he so very much despised having to say. The angle of her upturned nose suggested perhaps yes.

"KELLY I'M SORRY! I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY! I was just showing off! Everyone saw us together and I was scared because… don't make me say it… please don't make me say it… I was scared because… "

He still couldn't see her face but she glanced quickly in his direction, stonily intrigued.

"Listen, we'll save the heart to heart for some other time, can you please just come over here and tell them it wasn't me and Simon did it or something."

She looked like she was about to fold and come over and help, but then Alisha poked her and gave her a stern girl-to-girl look, so she seemed to change her mind and just shrugged.

The police woman followed his gaze again and cast her eyes suspiciously back at his community service cohorts. At this they all turned their backs hurriedly too, in what Nathan knew to be guilt and fear of being apprehended themselves. Har har har.

He gave them his best 'oops' expression and little wave from a distance.

Much glowering ensued and he was trundled off towards the back of a car.

They were pretending to gaze out at the water as though simply out taking the air. Great acting. Not. Just enough fear to try and attempt some kind of cover but too nosey not to stick around to see what went down. Nice to see loyalty among thieves. Well they weren't all thieves. You know, criminals. Anyway.

"I'll try not to mention anything about you-know-what," he called out to his quotations marks with two finger 'friends' in what he hoped was a stage whisper, just as the car door was shut in his face. Curtis and Simon both looked horrified and looked to engage in some internal "doh"-ing, again in a manner that was externally very obvious. Doh themselves.

The police woman looked back at him.

"What was that?" she said suspiciously.

"Oh nothing!" he said sweetly. He caught a glance at the badge on her dashboard. "Ha, is your name really Beverley?"

There was a stoney silence. He guessed yes.

Nathan looked out the window and did a mini-appraisal of the situation.

The police woman had copped an accidental feel of his balls as she was frisking him so it wasn't all bad. But otherwise the situation did look to be mainly heading downhill.