LAST TIME ON HELLE!!
********
Kiev: Why the hell is it raining?!
Rover: The gods! The gods are angry!
Hornsby: Do you have any marg-
Kiev/Rover: NO!
Nook: Hello. How can I be more sadistic than usual?
Kiev: Establish an embargo on everything except carpets and have a huge sale?
Nook: Now do you know why you are my #1 employee?
Kiev: -_-
*suddenly the KGB appear*
Josef: HAR HAR!!
*dramatic chord*
Nook: W-what do you want?!
Josef: Our idiocy has lead us here! We come for your blood!!
*suddenly a wave of water rushes by, sweeping Josef and the other soldiers away*
Kiev: What the? What the?! We want the truth, you commie bastard!
*Tangy appears in a puff of smoke*
Rover: What the hell are YOU doing here?
Tangy: ...what the hell AM I doing here?
Nook: Alright... sit down and I'll tell you all a story.
Kiev/Rover: *clapping* Story-time! Story-time!
********
Nook was ready to reach for the blinds - until he noticed the back windows of the shop were all in pieces anyways, an unfortunate side effect of Tangy's grenade. Whether it was well-aimed or not suddenly didn't have much prevailance. Thankfully the storm outside was beginning to settle somewhat.
"...do you.. have any idea how you're going to get this fixed?" Rover finally asked.
"...I don't think the company plan covers secret service incursions." Nook stepped away from the window, sliding gingerly away from the giant mess of glass shards on the floor.
"...ANYWAYS!" Kiev slapped his hands together, rubbing them intently. "Now that we have any potential distractions out of the way, how about we hear what NOOK has planned for us?"
"Not so loud," Nook frowned. "You'll wake the neighborhood."
"What's the big problem?" Kiev rested his hands on his hips as he suddenly turned back to him, glaring daggers. "It can't be so bad that everybody is at RISK of hearing this!"
Rover sweatdropped. "Calm down, man, calm down."
"Well well well-" Nook was nearly pacing a hole in the floor at this point. "Do you have any idea how much TROUBLE I'm in right now?! If command realizes that the KGB got to Helle instead of Belle and it was YOU that repelled them, I'll be exiled for sure!"
"So you WERE affiliated with them!" Kiev laughed harshly.
"Wait-wait-wait!!" Nook continued to flail his limbs. "Can I just HAVE a moment to EXPLAIN what's going on here?!"
"I don't BELIEVE this!!" Kiev threw his arms up, beginning to pace as well.
"YES, I am affiliated with the KGB, as I have been for the past decade since I first moved to Helle. I moved to this town, as much of my family has moved to other neighboring towns... well... more than that, I think as a matter of fact at last count there have been two Nook coordinators for every town in Anima, minus any capital citi-"
"WhatwhatWHAT?!" Kiev shrieked.
Rover had just pulled up a chair. "Tangy, could y-"
CRASH
He glanced over, Tangy tossed away what remained of the frail wooden chair, leaving the other half of it and Kiev's unconscious corpse passed out in the shallow water as she pulled up a designer chair of her own. "...thank you."
Nook frowned. "Promise me you'll tell him this later?"
Rover and Tangy nodded.
"...alright.. where to start... where to start..."
********
Helle
Chapter 4: The Nook Manifesto (in which Karl Marx is pwned)
********
SOMEWHERE IN ANIMA MANY MANY MANY YEARS AGO!!
"Tom, dear, please come in! Your gruel's ready!"
"YAY!" a tiny raccoon bounded out from the bushes, skipping merrily down a hill and up again to a small group of wooden cabins on top of an adjacent knoll. Various other mammals were walking idly around the small hamlet, living out their lives... however they managed to live their lives at the time. Tom, for one, was waiting for his daily gruel. He leapt up onto the porch of his family's shack, hugging his parents as he entered. The porch, of course, collapsed behind him.
"Oh, dear. Fester, could you take care of that?"
"Sure. Tom, could you take care of that?"
"Bu-"
"You could get some practice, Tom... maybe someday you'll be able to make porches for all of us!"
"...fine, fine..." Tom reached over, grabbing the hammer and the 20-gallon bucket of nails that sat convieniently next to the door. "...I just don't know, mama, papa... every time I try hard to fix this porch it just crashes to the ground five minutes after. Would it not be easier just to get someone else to do it?"
"Son, I don't particularly like your way of thinking. Now, how do you think everyone would respond if they knew you only wanted to do things if you got something out of it?"
Tom shrugged. "Well, why not?"
Moments later, Tom could be found tied tightly to a pole surrounded in burning embers. He wasn't particularly sure what was less comfortable, the heat or the wide-eyed stares of everyone in town. All four of them. His father stood at the base, stoking the embers with a firepoker. "...dear father, I fear I'm not particularly catching onto what's going on here. Could you or possibly someone else inform me?"
Kiev, Rover, Tangy and Nook could be all seen standing on the side.
"Uh.. Nook.." Kiev mumbled. "...I'm assuming that's you, right?"
"..." Nook rubbed his chin. "You know, I'm not particularly sure anymore."
"You know why you're here!!" Fester yelled. "You are the one that built the last porch that graced this house!! You thought you'd put in slack effort because you would get nothing out of it, and it collapsed and gave my dear Betsy a concussion when I brought her onto the porch to shear her!! Dear, dear Betsy... your wool was white as snow... BURN HIM!!"
"Not your son! Please father, no!" he, along with the post, burst into flames.
Kiev's eye twitched. "Alright, now you're just making shit up."
Nook slapped his forehad. "Bah. What was I thinking... that was my cousin. Just... disregard everything you just saw.. okay?"
"But his name was Tom."
Nook counted on his fingers. "As was my brother, stepbrother, nephew, uncle, and mother."
The other three exchanged confused stares and nodded slowly. "...alright... where was I... oh, yes. I had moved away a while ago, as a matter of fact... I went to find a well-paying job in the big, big city of Anigrad. I was headed out to pursue a living in the art of carpentry. Mostly in the field of porches."
Rover went deadpan. "Runs in the family?"
"You could say so. Well, eventually I made a living in the city, and I always held my cousin's last words in my heart."
"To work for the better of people?" Tangy answered.
Nook rubbed his chin again. "...actually, I do believe it was more along the lines of 'OH FUCK JESUS GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP' but I figure that's a good phrase as any."
"Ah." Rover sighed.
********
People darted this way and that on a crowded, busy street. Smokestacks almost as tall as the houses they sat on stretched into the sky, spewing out grey smoke of seemingly random shades. Down on the street, Tom Nook exited out onto his building's porch, taking with him a tall stepladder. He jammed it into place against the wall, dragging up a wide sign with him. He stayed their for twenty minutes, eventually driving the last nail into the sign that read "YE OLDE HOME DEPOT". By the time he turned to come down, the entire street was empty, save for two people, an odd occurance for noon on the dot. As he leapt down to the ground, they had approached closer to each other.
One was dressed in a beige tunic and pants. The other was draped in blue jean suspenders and red underclothing. Both twirled their mustaches frantically as they stared each other down.
"So, we-a meet again." the beige one snarled.
"That we-a do." the other replied.
Before Nook could politely ask exactly what the hell was going on they had already charged at each other, exchanging an oddly vibrant selection of martial arts moves. Nook did little else but scratch his head. A hippo walked up besides him, tsking as he stared at the two. "Looks like they're going at it again." he spoke with a thick Italian accent.
Nook glanced over. "Again?"
"Meh.. I suppose I should get out of here before the others show up. Mind if I step inside?"
Nook stepped to the side as the door opened and shut again. "...others?"
Right on cue, battle cries could be heard as people of every race and specie poured out of every sideroad visible to Nook on both sides of him, surrounding the two and quite literally proceeded to beat the living crap out of each other. Nook chuckled weakly, quietly slipping back into his shop. The porch collapsed shortly thereafter. Kiev walked up, examining the wreckage. "...you know, this looks a LOT like ours."
Nook stuck his head out the window. "You're imagining things. Can we continue?"
"What happened then?" Tangy asked dully.
"Well, this person just came into my house and started explaining to me what was happening. It appeared that there was a huge turf war in Anigrad between the two most prominent political leaders in the city - Josef Stalin and Mario Mario. They were fighting to take over the rapidly declining government of Karl Mar-"
"Karl Marx didn't even exist in the same ERA!" Kiev muttered.
Ultimanium appeared out of a swirling void. "Alright, now I'M confused." Everyone just stared at him. "...what?"
"That's a very keen observation, Kiev, but do you not know that his many followers cloned him after death using one of his hairs? At that point the world was very much destined to be ruled by the PROLETERIAT!!" at that moment for no particular reason the camera zoomed in and out on his face.
Rover squinted. "...wha?"
Nook slumped over the windowsill. "That was just a mild taste of the utter shock, horror and surprise I experienced at that particular moment."
"We'll be more than happy to top that if you don't just shut up and get to the point." Tangy said flatly.
"Anyways... seeing the state that Anigrad was in and the possible consequences that could befall me if I stayed, I did what any other self-respecting Nook would have done."
Kiev folded his arms. "Spontaneously combusted?"
On cue, Nook burst into flames, running around screaming, and eventually caused his entire shop to erupt in a towering inferno, and shortly after the entire block. Rover and Tangy glanced about wide-eyed while Kiev continued to stand, admidst the falling embers, tapping his foot and whistling.
"Kiev." Rover sighed. "What did you do?"
"Well, seeing how Nook's already made up stuff, that thereby designates what we're seeing ISN'T restricted by his own experience, and THUS, subject to OUR altering as well." he tapped his horned hat. "It's all in the mind, my feline friend."
"COULD WE GET BACK TO THE STORY?!?" Ultimanium was busy rolling on the ground, extinquishing his own burning corpse.
Moments later, Kiev, Rover, Tangy and Nook stood upon the street of the hastily-mentally-reconstructed city.
"Anyways, I had decided that if I wanted to stay in Anigrad and continue my career in homebuilding, I would have to ally with one of the gangs, lest I get my home wrecked by both. After nights of speculation and many, many flipped coins, I made the decision to attend Mario Mario's latest shindig in Little Italy, where they intended to plot a more aggressive campaign against the rulings of Stalin."
********
INTERMISSION!!!
"Hello. I'm Bob Saget, and you're watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Normally I would do something pointless and cause the laughing gas canisters hidden under your seat to deploy, but with our newfangled mind control device graciously donated to us by NanoCrap Industries America, I can just make you laugh at anything I say regardless. But enough of that, let's check on our three finalist videos... first, 'Man Hit In Ear By Flaming Sledgehammer'!
Various oohs.
"Next, 'Stupid Slobbering Kid Makes Cute Expressions'!"
Various ahhs.
"And, finally, 'Men In Gorilla and Banana Suits'!"
Various scratching of heads.
"Anyways, let's start tallying those votes with your handy-dandy... voting.. things!" the air was filled with annoying beeps and bloops for three solid minutes before they started to cease. "...alright, let's see what you voted for... third, Men In Gorilla and Banana Suits takes 0.03%! Second, Man Hit In Ear By Flaming Sledgehammer takes 2%! And in FIRST PLACE, with 97.97%, Stupid Slobbering Kid Makes Cute Expressions!!"
A three-year old in a highseat appeared on the bigscreen in the background, mashing its hands in a bowl of oatmeal before looking at the camera and emitting a low "phhshshshshhhhphhhh" before profusely vomiting. Everyone awwed.
"I'm Bob Saget, and I'm still wondering why the hell this show is still in syndication. Good night."
********
Kiev walked up to the stall, carrying a plate towering with fettucini alfredo. "Did I miss anything?"
"No." Tangy said flatly. Her, Nook and Rover all sat at the table of the dark pub, all with plates in front of them - Kiev's helping was easily triple that of what was currently on the table. Her attention turned to the buffet table, where several immensely fat people were carrying away armfuls of food. "...is it like Mario to arrange a gang meeting at a pasta buffet?"
Rover turned around, glancing over the front of the stall. While the long table near the front was undeniably packed, Mario seemed to be the only person eating. As he finished off his plate, he tossed his fork up in the air and catched it, whipping it at the front door as it opened. It lodged in the person's forehead with a dull thunk, causing him to topple over dead. As was expected, this caused a chorus of oohs and ahs to rise from his guests. "Alright. It would seem that everyone is-a here? Well, I'm-a supposing that everyone is-a here-a?"
Everyone else nodded, never ever hoping to deny their leader in any light.
"...Lenny is not here?" Mario glanced around as another member rushed to his side, whispering in his ear. All eyes turned to the twitching body on the ground. "...ANYWAYS!" he rubbed his hands together. "You're all aware why-a I summoned you all here tonight? Yes? It it time that we crushed that meddling Stalin and his posse once-a and for all!"
"So how did he go about doing that?" Rover asked.
"He got deported to the Mushroom Kingdom two minutes later." Nook glanced over as Stalin walked up behind him and started clubbing him with a bar stool. His entire gang watched with dull eyes, eventually just shrugging and making a line leading to the buffet table. "It was at that time I hit my knees and made myself known to Stalin, who seeked with a burning passion to spread the might of communism throughout the world. But first of all I was unwittingly designated as his right-hand man as we both took over Anigrad and began our master plan to make it an industrial and scientific superpower. We took all schools and universities under government control, increased iron production by 500%, created consolidated housing for the poor, established a social service, discovered a cure for cancer, and sold everyone's clothes to pay for a highly successful space program that set the first rabbit on Venus. I don't seem to recall hearing from him again, but his ship contained a large amount of ash that we're still investigating."
"What then?" Tangy asked.
"Well, seeing as how the infrastructure of Anigrad everywhere else had fallen apart in the meanwhile, and even WE had ended up selling our clothes, and all the furniture in the palace and whatnot, we held a conference where the future of Anigrad would be decided."
The pub around the group spiraled into nothingness before being replaced by a wide, open grand hall within the grand palace of Anigrad. Nook and Stalin could be seen sitting on cardboard boxes, trying hard to hide their lower halves underneath a plywood table held up with concrete blocks.
"'Nook, my friend,' he said, 'it seems that with our-a rapid growth and industrialization, Anigrad has-a fallen on hard times. Surely there must be some way we can dig ourselves out of this proverbial hole we have created, surely?' So, I proposed that we go about selling whatever useless commodities we had to neighboring cities and countries. Of course, his initial response was to slap me in the face with a live trout, but upon further recollection we decided that would have to be the path we took if we wanted Anigrad to survive - because, in the end, while that in itself was a capitalist activity, it WAS, in the end, designed to give the fruits of its labor back to the communist state. Still, if we wanted income at a steady state we would have to go about selling our goods in more than one place at once."
The group followed a blurred Nook over to the door. After descending a flight of stairs they ended up in what looked like some sort of space-age laboratory.
"So what were you going to say?" Kiev sat at a desk, flipping through a copy of SYMBIOTIC GENETIC REPLICATION FOR DUMMIES.
Rover glanced through the shelf next to him. "...ETHICS AND HOW TO SUBVERT THEM... CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE NON-EXISTANT SOUL... MAD MINUTE: A COLLECTION OF 60-SECOND TACTICS DEVISED TO CRUSH ANYONE'S WILL..." he gave Nook a particularly annoyed stare. "...what WAS going on down here, anyways?" he was interrupted as with a loud hiss, a tall cylinder near the far end of the chamber opened, a suited Nook waddling out. He was flipping through a small pamphlet as he approached the door, where Stalin stood waiting.
"Are you done-a the requested reading, #0002?"
"Yessir."
"Then proceed to the railroad. Your destination is the small town of Primus. Your base has already been set up. Your mission lies ahead."
"Yessir." he replied with the same monotony. Stalin shoved him out the door, causing him to drop his papers. Kiev quickly stepped ahead, grabbing them from the ground as another Nook idly marched to greet Stalin.
"...5 EASY STEPS TO CONSUMER STUPIDITY?!" Kiev threw the sheets in Nook's face. "...I think it's all coming together now. You're just some genetic defecate of the real Nook out somewhere in Anima, who set up a Nook 'n Go in Helle to graciously rip me off!"
"...and us." Tangy added, somewhat annoyed.
"Actually, I broke off from the main Nook syndicate a long time ago, you know, there just wasn't enough employee benefits, you know? I was actually giving you some of my best prices - ones that would benefit my Nook 'n Go the greatest in the long run and allow me a steady supply of goods on top of what was chartered by Stalin's Nook enterprise."
"Nook." Tangy sighed. "You were engineered NOT to do so. What makes us think we'd believe you?"
"Especially with THAT kind of stupid price for a carpet?" Kiev butted in.
"When you stop and think about it, what kind of idiot would do something for the better of the country when they can just tell them to take a long walk off a short pier and keep the funds for themselves?" Nook seemed half-asleep at that point. "...just think about it, two months from now I'll be able to afford my dream cabana, set up on the exquisite, peaceful, rolling beaches 50 feet from my store..."
"That doesn't explain the carpet." Kiev continued.
Rover stepped in front of him. "...whatever. I think I've heard all I need to... you can bet we'll still be shopping at the Nook 'n Go seeing as we don't have much of a CHOICE at this point... can you at least.. you know.. give us a little discount?"
"20 percent!" Kiev shouted.
"15?" Nook answered.
Kiev paused. "...20!"
Nook groaned. "...20 percent it is."
Kiev rubbed his chin. "...25!"
"Can you GIVE IT A REST?!" Tangy marched by, dragging Kiev back outside.
Rover watched as the door slammed, turning back to Nook. "Hey, I'll believe you for now when you say that you broke from the Nook manifesto on your own free will... but I've still got questions for you."
Nook yawned. "Shoot.. but hurry it up, will you? I've got to close up shop in ten minut-"
With a blast of thunder, Rover and Nook found themselves again in the destroyed remains of the Nook 'n Go. Nook was still frozen in his half-yawn, his eyes darting about worriedly at the mountains of debris where the grocery shelves once stood. "...oh dear. I guess I was little out of reality there, was I not..."
"I'm starting to think so. Anyways, this rain is starting to get on my nerves again, so I'm only going to ask you once - what is Operation Triple Bypass?"
"...Operation Tri.. why, I don't have the slightest..."
Rover folded his arms. "25."
"Okay, okay..." Nook flapped his arms. "...alright, you know how the train route runs from Helle on, right?"
"When we got booted off there was supposed to be another 14 stops until we hit Anigrad. About another five days of travelling. What about it?"
"The systematic placement of Nook 'n Go's followingt the train route from the border of Anima to Anigrad was built so that the supercentres grow in size and affordability as you work your way towards the capital. Presumably it would work off the shopping frenzy that the borderline deals commissioned by the Nook syndicate incited in said stupid consumers. From what I've been told we were supposed to bait people coming in from outside Anima along this transit line and this transit line only to lead them straight into the heart of the Nookingtons, evidently the Nook headquarters in Anigrad... and otherwise cause all transit on any other route to Anigrad to cease."
"Sounds like a plan. But I'm not entirely sure on what the Nook syndicate would do once people show up on their front step."
"I speak the truth when I say I have no idea what happens beyond that point. That is highly confidential information. Even more has been clouded from my understanding since the primary Nook was put in absolute command of the Nook syndicate, Stalin having his life taken by a rabid yak many years ago."
"So all of this... that's why you never particularly cared about us beating the crap out of the KGB, because you knew that you were going to up and rebel at any point regardless?"
Nook rested his hands on his hips. "...well, as a matter of fact, I don't seem to be caring a lot about anything right now, much less the fact my enterprise is standing in shambles right now. Alright, Rover, you hurry on back home now and make sure Kiev and company are making out alright, okay? You guys are the best customers I have... not that that's particularly saying much, but you catch my drift."
"...I do... I guess." Rover scratched his head before setting off back across the soaked plains of Helle to his abode - nearly tripping over Lily's decapitated head in the process, and making him even more confused than he ever should have been.
********
On another dark laptop, somewhere further down the track, another two Nooks were exchanging idle conversation.
"...that KGB event didn't go too well, from what I heard. Seems the division that the Master sent out was ambushed on its way to Belle at some other stop called Helle."
"Well, #8905, that's kind of odd, if you ask me... no one should have known that the KGB were out and about... surely Helle's Nook coordinator wouldn't have told the insurgents about their arrival so they could plan the attack? I know him personally, he would never do such a thing..."
"Perhaps you are right, #0003.. but still, I have reason to believe that Helle, while an important piece in the execution of Operation Triple Bypass, is fully under our control, things are not as withstanding there as appears to the eye."
"Do you think another unit will be sent to investigate?"
"It is only a matter of time. Still, we have much more pressing matters to attend to regarding Anigrad..."
"That..." he reached up, slapping the laptop shut. "...we do."
TO BE CONTINUED
********
Chapter 5 - Weapons of Mass Obstruction
In which Ned discovers true enlightenment, Kiev obtains the Zingbuster, the author briefly contemplates a genre switch to Poetry, Nook becomes an advocate to musical tragedy, necromancy is widely encouraged, the post office receives many disturbing packages, and much more.
********
"STUPID SLOBBERING KID!!!"
(A/N - ...uh... wow, I updated this... I think that's a new record for fic resurrection on the verge of death, and I'm kind of happy I did so, seeing as how I got more reviews with this fic than I usually get in a year from all my others combined. Which brings me to my second point... PLEASE SOMEBODY THAT I DON'T KNOW, R&R SOME OF MY FICS, I WILL BE YOUR PERSONAL SLAVE, WHICH IS QUITE A SPLENDID DEAL CONSIDERING THAT I HAVE THE OPTIMAL PATHFINDING FOR EVERY HOUSEHOLD IN NORTH AMERICA NEEDED TO DO THE LAUNDRY, FEED THE PETS AND TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE IN OLYMPIC RECORD TIME. Or not, but I also have no prejudice in using my superhuman abilities to beat you senseless regardless of location. Cheerio!)
********
Kiev: Why the hell is it raining?!
Rover: The gods! The gods are angry!
Hornsby: Do you have any marg-
Kiev/Rover: NO!
Nook: Hello. How can I be more sadistic than usual?
Kiev: Establish an embargo on everything except carpets and have a huge sale?
Nook: Now do you know why you are my #1 employee?
Kiev: -_-
*suddenly the KGB appear*
Josef: HAR HAR!!
*dramatic chord*
Nook: W-what do you want?!
Josef: Our idiocy has lead us here! We come for your blood!!
*suddenly a wave of water rushes by, sweeping Josef and the other soldiers away*
Kiev: What the? What the?! We want the truth, you commie bastard!
*Tangy appears in a puff of smoke*
Rover: What the hell are YOU doing here?
Tangy: ...what the hell AM I doing here?
Nook: Alright... sit down and I'll tell you all a story.
Kiev/Rover: *clapping* Story-time! Story-time!
********
Nook was ready to reach for the blinds - until he noticed the back windows of the shop were all in pieces anyways, an unfortunate side effect of Tangy's grenade. Whether it was well-aimed or not suddenly didn't have much prevailance. Thankfully the storm outside was beginning to settle somewhat.
"...do you.. have any idea how you're going to get this fixed?" Rover finally asked.
"...I don't think the company plan covers secret service incursions." Nook stepped away from the window, sliding gingerly away from the giant mess of glass shards on the floor.
"...ANYWAYS!" Kiev slapped his hands together, rubbing them intently. "Now that we have any potential distractions out of the way, how about we hear what NOOK has planned for us?"
"Not so loud," Nook frowned. "You'll wake the neighborhood."
"What's the big problem?" Kiev rested his hands on his hips as he suddenly turned back to him, glaring daggers. "It can't be so bad that everybody is at RISK of hearing this!"
Rover sweatdropped. "Calm down, man, calm down."
"Well well well-" Nook was nearly pacing a hole in the floor at this point. "Do you have any idea how much TROUBLE I'm in right now?! If command realizes that the KGB got to Helle instead of Belle and it was YOU that repelled them, I'll be exiled for sure!"
"So you WERE affiliated with them!" Kiev laughed harshly.
"Wait-wait-wait!!" Nook continued to flail his limbs. "Can I just HAVE a moment to EXPLAIN what's going on here?!"
"I don't BELIEVE this!!" Kiev threw his arms up, beginning to pace as well.
"YES, I am affiliated with the KGB, as I have been for the past decade since I first moved to Helle. I moved to this town, as much of my family has moved to other neighboring towns... well... more than that, I think as a matter of fact at last count there have been two Nook coordinators for every town in Anima, minus any capital citi-"
"WhatwhatWHAT?!" Kiev shrieked.
Rover had just pulled up a chair. "Tangy, could y-"
CRASH
He glanced over, Tangy tossed away what remained of the frail wooden chair, leaving the other half of it and Kiev's unconscious corpse passed out in the shallow water as she pulled up a designer chair of her own. "...thank you."
Nook frowned. "Promise me you'll tell him this later?"
Rover and Tangy nodded.
"...alright.. where to start... where to start..."
********
Helle
Chapter 4: The Nook Manifesto (in which Karl Marx is pwned)
********
SOMEWHERE IN ANIMA MANY MANY MANY YEARS AGO!!
"Tom, dear, please come in! Your gruel's ready!"
"YAY!" a tiny raccoon bounded out from the bushes, skipping merrily down a hill and up again to a small group of wooden cabins on top of an adjacent knoll. Various other mammals were walking idly around the small hamlet, living out their lives... however they managed to live their lives at the time. Tom, for one, was waiting for his daily gruel. He leapt up onto the porch of his family's shack, hugging his parents as he entered. The porch, of course, collapsed behind him.
"Oh, dear. Fester, could you take care of that?"
"Sure. Tom, could you take care of that?"
"Bu-"
"You could get some practice, Tom... maybe someday you'll be able to make porches for all of us!"
"...fine, fine..." Tom reached over, grabbing the hammer and the 20-gallon bucket of nails that sat convieniently next to the door. "...I just don't know, mama, papa... every time I try hard to fix this porch it just crashes to the ground five minutes after. Would it not be easier just to get someone else to do it?"
"Son, I don't particularly like your way of thinking. Now, how do you think everyone would respond if they knew you only wanted to do things if you got something out of it?"
Tom shrugged. "Well, why not?"
Moments later, Tom could be found tied tightly to a pole surrounded in burning embers. He wasn't particularly sure what was less comfortable, the heat or the wide-eyed stares of everyone in town. All four of them. His father stood at the base, stoking the embers with a firepoker. "...dear father, I fear I'm not particularly catching onto what's going on here. Could you or possibly someone else inform me?"
Kiev, Rover, Tangy and Nook could be all seen standing on the side.
"Uh.. Nook.." Kiev mumbled. "...I'm assuming that's you, right?"
"..." Nook rubbed his chin. "You know, I'm not particularly sure anymore."
"You know why you're here!!" Fester yelled. "You are the one that built the last porch that graced this house!! You thought you'd put in slack effort because you would get nothing out of it, and it collapsed and gave my dear Betsy a concussion when I brought her onto the porch to shear her!! Dear, dear Betsy... your wool was white as snow... BURN HIM!!"
"Not your son! Please father, no!" he, along with the post, burst into flames.
Kiev's eye twitched. "Alright, now you're just making shit up."
Nook slapped his forehad. "Bah. What was I thinking... that was my cousin. Just... disregard everything you just saw.. okay?"
"But his name was Tom."
Nook counted on his fingers. "As was my brother, stepbrother, nephew, uncle, and mother."
The other three exchanged confused stares and nodded slowly. "...alright... where was I... oh, yes. I had moved away a while ago, as a matter of fact... I went to find a well-paying job in the big, big city of Anigrad. I was headed out to pursue a living in the art of carpentry. Mostly in the field of porches."
Rover went deadpan. "Runs in the family?"
"You could say so. Well, eventually I made a living in the city, and I always held my cousin's last words in my heart."
"To work for the better of people?" Tangy answered.
Nook rubbed his chin again. "...actually, I do believe it was more along the lines of 'OH FUCK JESUS GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP' but I figure that's a good phrase as any."
"Ah." Rover sighed.
********
People darted this way and that on a crowded, busy street. Smokestacks almost as tall as the houses they sat on stretched into the sky, spewing out grey smoke of seemingly random shades. Down on the street, Tom Nook exited out onto his building's porch, taking with him a tall stepladder. He jammed it into place against the wall, dragging up a wide sign with him. He stayed their for twenty minutes, eventually driving the last nail into the sign that read "YE OLDE HOME DEPOT". By the time he turned to come down, the entire street was empty, save for two people, an odd occurance for noon on the dot. As he leapt down to the ground, they had approached closer to each other.
One was dressed in a beige tunic and pants. The other was draped in blue jean suspenders and red underclothing. Both twirled their mustaches frantically as they stared each other down.
"So, we-a meet again." the beige one snarled.
"That we-a do." the other replied.
Before Nook could politely ask exactly what the hell was going on they had already charged at each other, exchanging an oddly vibrant selection of martial arts moves. Nook did little else but scratch his head. A hippo walked up besides him, tsking as he stared at the two. "Looks like they're going at it again." he spoke with a thick Italian accent.
Nook glanced over. "Again?"
"Meh.. I suppose I should get out of here before the others show up. Mind if I step inside?"
Nook stepped to the side as the door opened and shut again. "...others?"
Right on cue, battle cries could be heard as people of every race and specie poured out of every sideroad visible to Nook on both sides of him, surrounding the two and quite literally proceeded to beat the living crap out of each other. Nook chuckled weakly, quietly slipping back into his shop. The porch collapsed shortly thereafter. Kiev walked up, examining the wreckage. "...you know, this looks a LOT like ours."
Nook stuck his head out the window. "You're imagining things. Can we continue?"
"What happened then?" Tangy asked dully.
"Well, this person just came into my house and started explaining to me what was happening. It appeared that there was a huge turf war in Anigrad between the two most prominent political leaders in the city - Josef Stalin and Mario Mario. They were fighting to take over the rapidly declining government of Karl Mar-"
"Karl Marx didn't even exist in the same ERA!" Kiev muttered.
Ultimanium appeared out of a swirling void. "Alright, now I'M confused." Everyone just stared at him. "...what?"
"That's a very keen observation, Kiev, but do you not know that his many followers cloned him after death using one of his hairs? At that point the world was very much destined to be ruled by the PROLETERIAT!!" at that moment for no particular reason the camera zoomed in and out on his face.
Rover squinted. "...wha?"
Nook slumped over the windowsill. "That was just a mild taste of the utter shock, horror and surprise I experienced at that particular moment."
"We'll be more than happy to top that if you don't just shut up and get to the point." Tangy said flatly.
"Anyways... seeing the state that Anigrad was in and the possible consequences that could befall me if I stayed, I did what any other self-respecting Nook would have done."
Kiev folded his arms. "Spontaneously combusted?"
On cue, Nook burst into flames, running around screaming, and eventually caused his entire shop to erupt in a towering inferno, and shortly after the entire block. Rover and Tangy glanced about wide-eyed while Kiev continued to stand, admidst the falling embers, tapping his foot and whistling.
"Kiev." Rover sighed. "What did you do?"
"Well, seeing how Nook's already made up stuff, that thereby designates what we're seeing ISN'T restricted by his own experience, and THUS, subject to OUR altering as well." he tapped his horned hat. "It's all in the mind, my feline friend."
"COULD WE GET BACK TO THE STORY?!?" Ultimanium was busy rolling on the ground, extinquishing his own burning corpse.
Moments later, Kiev, Rover, Tangy and Nook stood upon the street of the hastily-mentally-reconstructed city.
"Anyways, I had decided that if I wanted to stay in Anigrad and continue my career in homebuilding, I would have to ally with one of the gangs, lest I get my home wrecked by both. After nights of speculation and many, many flipped coins, I made the decision to attend Mario Mario's latest shindig in Little Italy, where they intended to plot a more aggressive campaign against the rulings of Stalin."
********
INTERMISSION!!!
"Hello. I'm Bob Saget, and you're watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Normally I would do something pointless and cause the laughing gas canisters hidden under your seat to deploy, but with our newfangled mind control device graciously donated to us by NanoCrap Industries America, I can just make you laugh at anything I say regardless. But enough of that, let's check on our three finalist videos... first, 'Man Hit In Ear By Flaming Sledgehammer'!
Various oohs.
"Next, 'Stupid Slobbering Kid Makes Cute Expressions'!"
Various ahhs.
"And, finally, 'Men In Gorilla and Banana Suits'!"
Various scratching of heads.
"Anyways, let's start tallying those votes with your handy-dandy... voting.. things!" the air was filled with annoying beeps and bloops for three solid minutes before they started to cease. "...alright, let's see what you voted for... third, Men In Gorilla and Banana Suits takes 0.03%! Second, Man Hit In Ear By Flaming Sledgehammer takes 2%! And in FIRST PLACE, with 97.97%, Stupid Slobbering Kid Makes Cute Expressions!!"
A three-year old in a highseat appeared on the bigscreen in the background, mashing its hands in a bowl of oatmeal before looking at the camera and emitting a low "phhshshshshhhhphhhh" before profusely vomiting. Everyone awwed.
"I'm Bob Saget, and I'm still wondering why the hell this show is still in syndication. Good night."
********
Kiev walked up to the stall, carrying a plate towering with fettucini alfredo. "Did I miss anything?"
"No." Tangy said flatly. Her, Nook and Rover all sat at the table of the dark pub, all with plates in front of them - Kiev's helping was easily triple that of what was currently on the table. Her attention turned to the buffet table, where several immensely fat people were carrying away armfuls of food. "...is it like Mario to arrange a gang meeting at a pasta buffet?"
Rover turned around, glancing over the front of the stall. While the long table near the front was undeniably packed, Mario seemed to be the only person eating. As he finished off his plate, he tossed his fork up in the air and catched it, whipping it at the front door as it opened. It lodged in the person's forehead with a dull thunk, causing him to topple over dead. As was expected, this caused a chorus of oohs and ahs to rise from his guests. "Alright. It would seem that everyone is-a here? Well, I'm-a supposing that everyone is-a here-a?"
Everyone else nodded, never ever hoping to deny their leader in any light.
"...Lenny is not here?" Mario glanced around as another member rushed to his side, whispering in his ear. All eyes turned to the twitching body on the ground. "...ANYWAYS!" he rubbed his hands together. "You're all aware why-a I summoned you all here tonight? Yes? It it time that we crushed that meddling Stalin and his posse once-a and for all!"
"So how did he go about doing that?" Rover asked.
"He got deported to the Mushroom Kingdom two minutes later." Nook glanced over as Stalin walked up behind him and started clubbing him with a bar stool. His entire gang watched with dull eyes, eventually just shrugging and making a line leading to the buffet table. "It was at that time I hit my knees and made myself known to Stalin, who seeked with a burning passion to spread the might of communism throughout the world. But first of all I was unwittingly designated as his right-hand man as we both took over Anigrad and began our master plan to make it an industrial and scientific superpower. We took all schools and universities under government control, increased iron production by 500%, created consolidated housing for the poor, established a social service, discovered a cure for cancer, and sold everyone's clothes to pay for a highly successful space program that set the first rabbit on Venus. I don't seem to recall hearing from him again, but his ship contained a large amount of ash that we're still investigating."
"What then?" Tangy asked.
"Well, seeing as how the infrastructure of Anigrad everywhere else had fallen apart in the meanwhile, and even WE had ended up selling our clothes, and all the furniture in the palace and whatnot, we held a conference where the future of Anigrad would be decided."
The pub around the group spiraled into nothingness before being replaced by a wide, open grand hall within the grand palace of Anigrad. Nook and Stalin could be seen sitting on cardboard boxes, trying hard to hide their lower halves underneath a plywood table held up with concrete blocks.
"'Nook, my friend,' he said, 'it seems that with our-a rapid growth and industrialization, Anigrad has-a fallen on hard times. Surely there must be some way we can dig ourselves out of this proverbial hole we have created, surely?' So, I proposed that we go about selling whatever useless commodities we had to neighboring cities and countries. Of course, his initial response was to slap me in the face with a live trout, but upon further recollection we decided that would have to be the path we took if we wanted Anigrad to survive - because, in the end, while that in itself was a capitalist activity, it WAS, in the end, designed to give the fruits of its labor back to the communist state. Still, if we wanted income at a steady state we would have to go about selling our goods in more than one place at once."
The group followed a blurred Nook over to the door. After descending a flight of stairs they ended up in what looked like some sort of space-age laboratory.
"So what were you going to say?" Kiev sat at a desk, flipping through a copy of SYMBIOTIC GENETIC REPLICATION FOR DUMMIES.
Rover glanced through the shelf next to him. "...ETHICS AND HOW TO SUBVERT THEM... CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE NON-EXISTANT SOUL... MAD MINUTE: A COLLECTION OF 60-SECOND TACTICS DEVISED TO CRUSH ANYONE'S WILL..." he gave Nook a particularly annoyed stare. "...what WAS going on down here, anyways?" he was interrupted as with a loud hiss, a tall cylinder near the far end of the chamber opened, a suited Nook waddling out. He was flipping through a small pamphlet as he approached the door, where Stalin stood waiting.
"Are you done-a the requested reading, #0002?"
"Yessir."
"Then proceed to the railroad. Your destination is the small town of Primus. Your base has already been set up. Your mission lies ahead."
"Yessir." he replied with the same monotony. Stalin shoved him out the door, causing him to drop his papers. Kiev quickly stepped ahead, grabbing them from the ground as another Nook idly marched to greet Stalin.
"...5 EASY STEPS TO CONSUMER STUPIDITY?!" Kiev threw the sheets in Nook's face. "...I think it's all coming together now. You're just some genetic defecate of the real Nook out somewhere in Anima, who set up a Nook 'n Go in Helle to graciously rip me off!"
"...and us." Tangy added, somewhat annoyed.
"Actually, I broke off from the main Nook syndicate a long time ago, you know, there just wasn't enough employee benefits, you know? I was actually giving you some of my best prices - ones that would benefit my Nook 'n Go the greatest in the long run and allow me a steady supply of goods on top of what was chartered by Stalin's Nook enterprise."
"Nook." Tangy sighed. "You were engineered NOT to do so. What makes us think we'd believe you?"
"Especially with THAT kind of stupid price for a carpet?" Kiev butted in.
"When you stop and think about it, what kind of idiot would do something for the better of the country when they can just tell them to take a long walk off a short pier and keep the funds for themselves?" Nook seemed half-asleep at that point. "...just think about it, two months from now I'll be able to afford my dream cabana, set up on the exquisite, peaceful, rolling beaches 50 feet from my store..."
"That doesn't explain the carpet." Kiev continued.
Rover stepped in front of him. "...whatever. I think I've heard all I need to... you can bet we'll still be shopping at the Nook 'n Go seeing as we don't have much of a CHOICE at this point... can you at least.. you know.. give us a little discount?"
"20 percent!" Kiev shouted.
"15?" Nook answered.
Kiev paused. "...20!"
Nook groaned. "...20 percent it is."
Kiev rubbed his chin. "...25!"
"Can you GIVE IT A REST?!" Tangy marched by, dragging Kiev back outside.
Rover watched as the door slammed, turning back to Nook. "Hey, I'll believe you for now when you say that you broke from the Nook manifesto on your own free will... but I've still got questions for you."
Nook yawned. "Shoot.. but hurry it up, will you? I've got to close up shop in ten minut-"
With a blast of thunder, Rover and Nook found themselves again in the destroyed remains of the Nook 'n Go. Nook was still frozen in his half-yawn, his eyes darting about worriedly at the mountains of debris where the grocery shelves once stood. "...oh dear. I guess I was little out of reality there, was I not..."
"I'm starting to think so. Anyways, this rain is starting to get on my nerves again, so I'm only going to ask you once - what is Operation Triple Bypass?"
"...Operation Tri.. why, I don't have the slightest..."
Rover folded his arms. "25."
"Okay, okay..." Nook flapped his arms. "...alright, you know how the train route runs from Helle on, right?"
"When we got booted off there was supposed to be another 14 stops until we hit Anigrad. About another five days of travelling. What about it?"
"The systematic placement of Nook 'n Go's followingt the train route from the border of Anima to Anigrad was built so that the supercentres grow in size and affordability as you work your way towards the capital. Presumably it would work off the shopping frenzy that the borderline deals commissioned by the Nook syndicate incited in said stupid consumers. From what I've been told we were supposed to bait people coming in from outside Anima along this transit line and this transit line only to lead them straight into the heart of the Nookingtons, evidently the Nook headquarters in Anigrad... and otherwise cause all transit on any other route to Anigrad to cease."
"Sounds like a plan. But I'm not entirely sure on what the Nook syndicate would do once people show up on their front step."
"I speak the truth when I say I have no idea what happens beyond that point. That is highly confidential information. Even more has been clouded from my understanding since the primary Nook was put in absolute command of the Nook syndicate, Stalin having his life taken by a rabid yak many years ago."
"So all of this... that's why you never particularly cared about us beating the crap out of the KGB, because you knew that you were going to up and rebel at any point regardless?"
Nook rested his hands on his hips. "...well, as a matter of fact, I don't seem to be caring a lot about anything right now, much less the fact my enterprise is standing in shambles right now. Alright, Rover, you hurry on back home now and make sure Kiev and company are making out alright, okay? You guys are the best customers I have... not that that's particularly saying much, but you catch my drift."
"...I do... I guess." Rover scratched his head before setting off back across the soaked plains of Helle to his abode - nearly tripping over Lily's decapitated head in the process, and making him even more confused than he ever should have been.
********
On another dark laptop, somewhere further down the track, another two Nooks were exchanging idle conversation.
"...that KGB event didn't go too well, from what I heard. Seems the division that the Master sent out was ambushed on its way to Belle at some other stop called Helle."
"Well, #8905, that's kind of odd, if you ask me... no one should have known that the KGB were out and about... surely Helle's Nook coordinator wouldn't have told the insurgents about their arrival so they could plan the attack? I know him personally, he would never do such a thing..."
"Perhaps you are right, #0003.. but still, I have reason to believe that Helle, while an important piece in the execution of Operation Triple Bypass, is fully under our control, things are not as withstanding there as appears to the eye."
"Do you think another unit will be sent to investigate?"
"It is only a matter of time. Still, we have much more pressing matters to attend to regarding Anigrad..."
"That..." he reached up, slapping the laptop shut. "...we do."
TO BE CONTINUED
********
Chapter 5 - Weapons of Mass Obstruction
In which Ned discovers true enlightenment, Kiev obtains the Zingbuster, the author briefly contemplates a genre switch to Poetry, Nook becomes an advocate to musical tragedy, necromancy is widely encouraged, the post office receives many disturbing packages, and much more.
********
"STUPID SLOBBERING KID!!!"
(A/N - ...uh... wow, I updated this... I think that's a new record for fic resurrection on the verge of death, and I'm kind of happy I did so, seeing as how I got more reviews with this fic than I usually get in a year from all my others combined. Which brings me to my second point... PLEASE SOMEBODY THAT I DON'T KNOW, R&R SOME OF MY FICS, I WILL BE YOUR PERSONAL SLAVE, WHICH IS QUITE A SPLENDID DEAL CONSIDERING THAT I HAVE THE OPTIMAL PATHFINDING FOR EVERY HOUSEHOLD IN NORTH AMERICA NEEDED TO DO THE LAUNDRY, FEED THE PETS AND TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE IN OLYMPIC RECORD TIME. Or not, but I also have no prejudice in using my superhuman abilities to beat you senseless regardless of location. Cheerio!)
