Disclaimer: Don't own.
Warnings: Yaoi. KakaIru. Don't like, don't read. Simple. Probably a little AU.
A/N: Okay, sorry. Hopefully this is the last chapter that will be so delayed. Everything has been taken care of, and the only thing left to worry about is school starting up, which usually just means I feel the need to write more to avoid doing homework. So, I think we're done with all the lateness, and I really do apologize for that. Thanks for all of you guys who have stayed with the story even though it hasn't been my best work, and the updates are coming so irregularly. But I'm going to try to make it worth your time. This chapters still a bit scatterbrained, since the bulk of it was written when I was still running around to trying to get things done, but everything is calm now, and I hope you all enjoy. Thanks so much!
"It's not about me, Iruka-kun." Kakashi gave a small smile. "It's never been about me."
And that was true. No one had ever really worried about him. Maybe Minato, but the man was too enigmatic to be sure. Obito never worried about him, neither did Rin. He was the responsible one. The genius. He was the one that need not be worried about, and so no one worried, and he was stuck worrying about everyone else, too blind to worry about themselves. Kakashi gave a long tired sigh. He was tired, so very tired, but he was worried. Iruka wasn't being honest. Things weren't fine, and now he was deflecting, which was probably a bad sign. Before the brunette had put up halfhearted fights to appear strong and in control, but this time he had outdone himself. Kakashi wondered if the chuunin actually believed he was unaffected by the loss of his students.
"Iruka-kun, it's okay, you can tell me about it." His voice remaining low and soothing. There was a hint of worry that he tried to cover up by sounding vaguely bored, but for some reason that never seemed to work with Iruka. The man had a strange effect on him, and he wasn't really sure why. He had an urge to be himself around the younger man, something he hadn't really done since his father had died. Kakashi just assumed it was because Iruka had been, probably the only person he had considered a friend when he was smaller. They weren't close by any means, but the friendship he had shared with Iruka had been unique in that Kakashi had no interest in other people, especially when he was younger. He only wanted to make his father proud, and then his father was dead, and that didn't matter. So, he did the only thing he could think to do, he tried to make his village proud. His father had ended his life in shame for disappointing the village, and it left Kakashi with a strange feeling of guilt and responsibility. He had to make the village proud of the Hatake clan once again. It was what his father would have wanted, and he had lived out so much of his life running from the image of his father while trying to please him.
With Iruka though, he didn't have to run from the image of his father. Iruka seemed to accept him for who he was, even if he was similar to his dad, and the rest of the village had come to cope with some of their similarities over the years, but Kakashi still kept much of that to himself. He didn't want to be reminded of what he was running from. The image he was hiding from, and the guilt that had never really been forgotten.
"I'm fine. It hurts that they're gone. It hurts that there was nothing I could do. It hurts that I'm alone… again, but I'll get over it." The younger man's voice tore him from his musings rather abruptly. His voice had lost the edge. His answer was honest, but not all that different. The admittance was important though, and Kakashi felt a bit of pride that Iruka had grown enough to admit such things so easily now. Every other time they had gone through this it had taken days… sometimes weeks for Iruka to even admit that the loss had hurt him, but this time it had taken less than an hour, and Kakashi couldn't help but feel proud that Iruka was finally starting to learn how to cope with loss.
"I see…" Kakashi responded analytically. His thoughts had started to wander to the last time they had been in this position. For some reason Kakashi had convinced himself that they hadn't had one of these talks since Iruka's parents died, but that wasn't true at all. They had a quick discussion after Mizuki's turning on the village, but Kakashi had been too busy to really see that through, and for some reason he felt guilt rising in the pit of his stomach. He hadn't even bothered to check up on the man after Mizuki's prison break. He mentally slapped himself for his absence for the past years. Of course Iruka had changed, he had practically disappeared for about 17 years or so. Or at least it seemed that way, but Kakashi was still around he just hadn't been there for Iruka, for all the changes the man had gone through. He had watched from a distance when he had the time, but they weren't really friends anymore. They were almost strangers.
"Kakashi-senpai," Iruka was sounded vaguely like a worried child when he spoke, "Are you alright? You… you lost them too…" Iruka's eyes were wide with worry as he stared up at the older man waiting for a response.
Kakashi opted to ignore the question, however, his thoughts were elsewhere. "I'm sorry, Iruka-kun." He said sadly, though his expression hadn't changed. "I'm sorry I haven't been here. I should have paid more attention to you, but I've been so busy…" He let out a long sigh. "That's not really an excuse, that I was busy, I should have made time for you and I'm sorry."
Iruka's expression became one of confusion, but lost none of its concern in the process. "What you are you talking about? It's not your responsibility to take care of me." Iruka wanted to change the subject, wanted to get Kakashi to talk about himself, how he was feeling after losing two of his students, but he couldn't bring himself to drop the topic at hand. Why did Kakashi feel so guilty about not being around more? They weren't really friends… were they?
"It's not my responsibility, no, but…" Kakashi trailed off, looking for the right words. "I've always thought of us as… I don't know, it's stupid I guess. I just want to be sure you're alright. You've been through a lot, and you're…" a really good person, my only true friend, you mean so much to me… "a really important part of the village." Kakashi mentally smacked himself for not being able to bring himself to say something more honest. He had always kept that distance from everyone, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't convince himself to say what he really meant.
Iruka nodded, noting that it was indeed a feeling of duty toward the village rather than a vague sort of friendship that had Kakashi worried about him. "Well, I'm fine." Iruka said, rather more coldly than he had intended, but something about the revelation that they really weren't friends had stung more than he had anticipated. "You lost them too, maybe you should focus on dealing with your own problems." Iruka stood to leave and almost instantly regretted it. His head was pounding and his legs suddenly felt boneless. He had to fight off the urge to vomit, and cringed as he felt the room spin around him. He felt a hand rubbing soothing circles on his back before he even registered that Kakashi had moved.
"Iruka-kun, sit down, you can't be feeling well." He whispered quietly, and Iruka could almost see the hear the smile in his voice. That cheerful smile that seemed almost mocking to him now that he had heard the truth about their relationship. He had been foolish for assuming they were friends in the first place. "Please… ?" Kakashi was pleading, for what Iruka didn't know, but the helpless sound of Kakashi's voice had nearly caused him to fall back onto the couch in surprise. If it weren't for Kakashi supporting him, he probably would have fallen back.
"I'm fine, really. You have your own problems to deal with, don't let me get in your way." Iruka walked to the door slowly, and Kakashi slumped onto the couch with a heavy sigh. I wish he could just see Underneath the Underneath. He thought, regretting his inability to be upfront about almost anything. If he could just read between my little white lies, maybe he'd understand that he means more to me than that… so much more. And Kakashi looked up in time to see Iruka slipping on his sandals.
"Iruka-kun, please… wait…" He sounded pathetic even to himself, but he was becoming almost desperate to keep the chuunin there, to explain everything.
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Genma sauntered into the mission room with all the grace of toddler just learning to walk. He stumbled a bit, using the wall as a support to keep himself upright. He was tired from a long night of… chatting… with Raidou. Yes. Chatting. Sure. That would work. He let out a chuckle, nobody was going to believe that, which was what made it so perfect. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a mess, but he didn't care. He had finally had his way with Raidou after months of practically throwing himself at the man, and nothing was going to ruin his mood. Not even his headache or the overwhelming need to vomit. He was just too content to care.
He sat down at the desk with a smug grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. It was so obvious that he had gotten laid night before that he might as well have been wearing a sign, a big one, that was glowing, and about as loud as Gai. He leaned back, putting his feet up on the desk in front of him, letting the chair tilt back slightly, with his hands behind his head. He was a picture of satisfaction, a long sigh escaping him as he prepared for a day of daydreams and gossip.
Anko, as if on cue waltzed into the room looking rather bored and mischievous, she went unnoticed by Genma, who was busy replaying the events from the night before behind closed eyes. Anko cleared her throat to make her presence known, but Genma refused to be torn away from his daydreams. She cleared her throat again, this time punctuating the act by throwing a kunai just passed the blonde's head.
"I'll be with you in just a moment." He finally responded, his grin in full force as he let the Raidou of his imagination finish his molesting before cracking an eye open to look at the kunoichi. "Can I help you?" he asked, looking vaguely irritated at the interruption.
"So I take it Raidou finally put out?" She asked rather bluntly.
Genma shrugged in response. "We stayed up all night chatting." He replied, his grin doing nothing to convince the woman.
"I'm sure." She raised a knowing eyebrow, but didn't push the subject. She'd just have to go spread that little piece of information around town once she'd left for the day. "So, what's up?" It wasn't even a clever euphemism for 'what's the latest gossip' it was just slightly less obnoxious.
Genma shrugged. "It's been slow." He closed his eyes again and rocked back in his chair. "Though I did want to ask you if you'd heard anything about Kakashi-san and Iruka-sensei." He added casually. For ninja they weren't really the most covert people when it came to gossip. It was sad on a level, but mostly it was just funny.
Anko shrugged. "Not really. They've been spending a bit more time together since Naruto left, but that's not particularly surprising. Sharing loss and whatever." She waved her hand flippantly, but her tone begged for details.
"They came drinking with Raidou and me last night. They were acting a little strange, just wondered if there was news." His tone remained bored, but his thoughts had started to drift to his night with Raidou, and he almost forgot Anko was there at all.
"Strange how?" she was practically drooling like a hungry dog for the news.
Genma shrugged, his senbon sliding from one side of his mouth to the other, clicking between his teeth. "Just… a little more than friendly, but not outright hot for each other. Somewhere awkward in between." His tone remained bored as he fiddled with the senbon in his mouth.
Anko sat quietly for a long moment before standing with a quick "I have to go." She practically ran out of the room to spread the news about the 'new couple'. Genma could almost hear the squeals of the kunoichi around town when they heard the mysterious Sharingan Kakashi was falling for the shy school teacher. He could nearly hear the purple haired woman's thought process, and he knew she was going to spin some elaborate romantic tale about how Kakashi hadn't just jumped into bed with the chuunin, like he had with all of his other conquests, and how the perfect love story was unfolding right in their very village. Jiraiya would probably go ape shit.
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Iruka froze, his hand on the door, but he did not turn to face the man behind him. "What is it?" His voice was low, just above a whisper and dripping with hurt, Kakashi sincerely hoped he wasn't the cause of that hurt.
"I'm sorry… I just… You mean more to me than that, okay?" His eyes went wide and his face turned a frightening shade of red as the words escaped him. His hand moved to cover his masked mouth as though trying to shove the words back in before Iruka heard them. It was too late though, the damage had been done.
"What exactly do I mean to you then?" Iruka's voice was still cold and distant but it had lost its edge, and was softened by a hint of hopefulness, Kakashi didn't really know what to make of that though.
"I was hoping… Um…" His voice was shaky and small, and really he had hoped Iruka would understand without him having to explain things any further. He took a deep breath, and walked to the door, turning Iruka around to face him finally. The chocolate eyes looked up at him with so much emotion, Kakashi nearly broke down right there and told the man everything, but he didn't really trust his voice to work, he instead stared into those brown eyes searching for something, he wasn't sure what it was he was looking for, but he knew he had found it. A half gloved hand reached up to caress a tan cheek, his pale thumb moving in a gentle circular motion. He wanted to kiss the younger man. He wanted to feel the completeness their shared kiss had offered him when he was younger. He wanted to feel wanted, and loved. Kakashi's heart was beating hard and fast, and his stomach was twisting into knots.
"K-Kakashi-senpai?" Iruka asked, his voice shaky. Neither man moved from their position, both too frightened they'd ruin the moment, scare the other away. So, they stood there, body heat mingling in silence as their anxiety rose and the intensity become almost overwhelming. Neither wanted to make the first move.
A/N: Okay, I know I said the angst would be over after this chapter, but I think it may branch out to the next chapter a bit. Kakashi has feelings too, so it's his turn to share, finally, and I think there's going to be a lot more detail about their past, which likely means more angst, so sorry, but happiness is coming. I promise. This chapter just turned out longer than I thought it would. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! And I'll try to have to next chapter up promptly! And a big thanks to all my reviews. You are my true inspiration for writing.
