Disclaimer: D. Gray Man and its characters belong to Hoshino-sensei.
Chapter 4: Hate
Kanda sat on the bed in his room, trying his best not to think about the events on the roof. He had brought the Dark Boots to the Medical Ward earlier, but Lenalee was still asleep and the Head Matron would not let him stay, so he just put the Boots next to her bed and returned to his room. But no matter how hard he tried the events from this morning kept replaying in his head, especially Lenalee's words to him.
And stop talking about my brother like you understand how I feel! You probably don't, since your Innocence is listening to you.
Kanda never knew Lenalee actually minded the fact that Mugen was able to synchronise with him with no problems. He always thought that Lenalee disliked Dark Boots, so she willingly pushed her Innocence away, which led to the low synchronisation rates. Was it possible that Lenalee was actually trying her best but couldn't achieve results because her rational thought could not overcome her instinctive dislike for Innocence?
You have a kind master and you don't get tests run on you all the time.
Kanda had to admit that Lenalee was telling the truth. Compared to the Supervisor, General Tiedoll was really nice. When both Lenalee and him were training together, his Master always made sure they didn't tire themselves out or hurt themselves too much. The Supervisor was different, always treating people coldly and has no qualms about pushing people too far. Kanda could bet that the Supervisor won't even care about the fact that he was a factor which convinced Lenalee that death was the easier way. The Supervisor would probably just say that Lenalee was mentally weak.
About the tests, it was true that Kanda never had to go through any tests ever since he met Hevlaska when he first arrived. And the reason was because he was synchronising with Mugen properly. If he had tried harder to help Lenalee, tried harder to understand her, maybe Lenalee would have felt better about her Innocence and the tests would be unnecessary.
YOU'RE NOT WAITING FOR ANYONE! So stop talking like you understand me!
For a while, Kanda was inclined to agree with that sentence. Lenalee was obviously waiting for her brother and Kanda did not have any family to wait for. But he was not so sure now. The only reason why he was not waiting for anyone from his past was because he can't remember anyone from his past. He might have family, someone he really cares about, but he can't remember. He was sure there was someone. That someone would be the person who left him the letter, telling him his name, age and birthday. And every time his Master called him 'Yuu-kun', he would have a familiar, but creepy feeling. It always made him feel uneasy. So if he found it familiar, someone would have called him by his first name before, so he must have someone close to him. He was somehow waiting for someone, but he didn't know who.
There was a knock on the door.
"Kanda, it's time for training." It was Marie.
"I'm coming." Kanda replied before picking up his Mugen, set beside his bed. He hoped that training would help him keep his mind off things.
A few days had passed since Lenalee's suicide attempt. Given Lenalee's state of mind and the possibility that she might just try to kill herself again, Leverrier decided that it was too dangerous to leave Lenalee by herself. The Exorcists were few in number and there was no need to lose another unnecessarily. As a result, there were now Finders and some nurses watching her all the time.
Lenalee always felt that the Black Order was a prison. With this constant watch, she was now even further convinced of this fact. Over the next few days, no matter how hard the nurses tried to cheer her up by taking her outside; or tried to keep her healthy by getting her to eat properly, Lenalee never smiled anymore. She refused to eat anymore than the initial mouthful. She grew thinner. Her eyes became deadened. She became like a zombie, constantly asking to go home; asking for her brother. It wasn't long before she fell seriously ill and had to be confined to the Medical Ward.
After Kanda found out about her condition, he tried to visit her many times, but was always rejected by the nurses, who said that Lenalee was not feeling well enough to receive visitors. Unable to see Lenalee, and having no information at all about her condition, Kanda found it difficult to concentrate, even during training. His thoughts were constantly occupied by Lenalee's condition.
"Kanda, you seem to be spacing out quite a lot lately, is there anything wrong?" Marie asked during one of their training sessions together. Their master was busy with other matters.
"It's nothing." Marie heard Kanda say, but his acute sense of hearing could sense the worried undertones in his voice and wondered if it had anything to do with Lenalee. But he knew better than to probe further. Kanda would just try to avoid answering him.
"Maybe we should stop here for today. There's no point in continuing if you can't concentrate." Marie suggested.
"Oh, ok. I'm sorry." Marie heard Kanda mumble apologetically before leaving the dojo. There was definitely something worrying his Junior.
Kanda walked out of the dojo, deep in thought once more. He couldn't talk to Lenalee because they won't let him see her, but surely there was another way he could help her? If only there was something he could do so she could go home, or at least contact her brother somehow. But as much as he hated to admit it, he was only a child; he can't possibly help her escape. That left only one way. He walked towards the main staircase, making his way deeper into the Order.
It wasn't long before he reached the Supervisor's Office. Standing outside the door, he wondered if he was made the right decision. What are the chances that the Supervisor would actually even listen to his request, let alone agree to it? But he had to try. It was much better than watching Lenalee waste away, and not being able to do anything about it. She did not have her brother by her side. It was up to him to do something to help her.
Kanda raised his hand slowly, and knocked on the door. He noticed his hand was shaking. Was he nervous, or was he, somehow, also afraid of the Supervisor.
"Come in."
Kanda took a deep breath, and willed his arms to open the door. The door opened slowly and he walked into the large office, trying not to reveal his nervousness to the person sitting behind the desk.
Leverrier looked towards the door, and his eyes narrowed as he realized who it was. Normally, it was only the Scientists who disturbed him and the Exorcists do not enter his office unless they have a mission briefing. What was this child doing here, disturbing him on a whim?
"What do you want?"
"It's about Lenalee."
"And what about her? As you know, she is a very troublesome child and I do not expect you to be the same."
"She's getting worse."
"I know that. And it's her fault for being too weak." Leverrier did not bother to sympathise with Lenalee's situation. Children are too weak, which is why he did not approve of child Exorcists in the first place, even if they were able to be trained from a younger age.
"I was hoping…I just want to ask you…"
"What is it?" Leverrier asked, losing his patience. He had a lot of work to do.
"Is it possible to allow Lenalee to go home, even for a short while?"
"That's absurd. No one is allowed to go home after they come here."
Kanda expected the rejection, but he had to try to argue this way through.
"But Lenalee is getting worse, she misses her home and she won't get better unless she goes back for a while."
"And then? Even if I agree, do you know where her home is? Even if we find her home, would she agree to come back with us afterwards? Have you even thought of these things before coming here to disturb me with an irrational request?" That was why Leverrier disliked children, they never thought of the big picture, always acting on their emotions.
"Well, at least find her brother for her…" Kanda asked, almost begging.
"That's impossible. Now get out of my office before you waste more of my time."
Kanda opened his mouth to protest, but the Supervisor had already returned to his work, meaning the discussion was closed. He left the Office, rather dejected. As he walked through the door though, he almost bumped into the Head Matron.
The Head Matron stood outside the Supervisor's Office. She was here to give her routine report on Lenalee's condition. But that was not all. She needed to convince the Supervisor to give Lenalee some fresh air. Being watched by the Finders all the time constricted Lenalee. She knew that very well. They were getting in the way of her recovery. That was the least she could do.
She's just a child. Surely, she deserves better treatment than this.
The Head Matron pushed the door, not bothering to knock. But as the door opened slightly, she heard a child, pleading with the Supervisor about Lenalee. She kept the door closed, listening in to the conversation.
That voice…it belongs to the other child, Kanda Yuu. He's asking the Supervisor to let Lenalee go home? To dare to talk to the Supervisor about this by himself, he really cares about Lenalee a lot, does he?
After a few minutes, the conversation ended and the door opened. She stepped back quickly, but the young Exorcist almost bumped into her anyway.
"Oh, I'm sorry." She heard him say. She noticed he looked disappointed, which was rather understandable, considering what just happened.
"It's alright. It's my fault for standing so close to the door anyway."
There was a pause. Then the Head Matron heard him ask, "How's Lenalee?" She could detect that he was worried. That was also understandable, she heard from the other nurses that he kept trying to visit, only to get rejected repeatedly.
"She's just fine, for now. But she could be better."
"Oh, I see."
Seeing the worry on his face, and considering that he just did a very brave thing for Lenalee's sake, the Head Matron made a decision. The report would have to wait.
"Why don't I bring you to see Lenalee, she is well enough by now to receive visitors."
"Really? Thank you." Seeing the relieved and hopeful look on his face, the Head Matron knew she may have did the right thing.
The Head Matron and Kanda climbed up the main staircase, making their way to the Infirmary. The Head Matron led the way.
Kanda's visit might just do her good. Ever since she fell ill, she had been confined to the ward. Even with all the nurses, she must have felt really lonely, without another child to talk to. Lenalee had cheered up considerably after making friends with him, so letting him visit would be an appropriate thing to do.
Reaching the Infirmary, the Head Matron chased all the nurses and Finders out of the ward, saying that the two children need some time alone and Kanda was good enough for keeping an eye on her.
"Lenalee's bed is the furthest into the room, nearest to the window. Now go see her." She gave him a push into the room, encouraging him inside. He seemed to have frozen at the door just now. Maybe it was nervousness.
The Head nurse is so scary. Kanda thought as all the adults were chased out of the room. He reminded himself not to incur her wrath. Then he felt a push on his back and the Head Nurse telling him to go in, so he obliged, making his way towards Lenalee's bed.
I wonder if she would be happy to see me. We have not seen each other since that incident more than one week ago. Maybe it would be good if we talked.
Lenalee barely registered the commotion as the adults were chased out of the ward. As long as it had nothing to do with her going home or seeing her brother, she didn't really care anymore. She heard the door close and some footsteps. She suddenly had a odd feeling of hopefulness. Was it possible that her brother came? That's why she was allowed to be alone? She sat up in her bed, curious to know who it was, and found herself facing Kanda instead.
Kanda looked over at her as he reached her bed and was relieved to see that she was still well. Pale, but at least she can sit up by herself.
She looks okay, maybe she'll get discharged soon and we can spend time together, just like before.
"Are you okay?" Kanda asked, concerned about her condition.
Lenalee heard the question, but instead of feeling happy that he came, she felt disappointment rise up inside of her. It wasn't her brother. No one listened to her after all. Everything she did before was for nothing. She thought that if she refused to eat and fell sick, the adults would take pity on her and fulfill her wish. Apparently, she was too naïve. But more strongly than disappointment, she felt an irrational anger at the person standing in front of her.
Kanda stopped her from ending everything, and that was exactly why she was suffering so much now. He was the reason why she was not able to leave this hated place and why she was still facing him. He was the cause of all her current problems. If he just let her die, at the very least, she could be in Heaven. This place was worse than Hell.
Kanda felt a sense of foreboding when Lenalee did not smile. Was she unhappy seeing him?
Or was it because she's still not well enough yet?
Then he heard her say.
"I hate you."
Pika318: I'm going to stop here for Chapter 4. I just realised that I made Lenalee a bit OOC here. But considering that she's under depression and still very much suicidal, it should be okay. Moko-chan was visibly upset when I asked her to read this, I was just wondering if you guys feel the same when you read this.
