Chapter Four: Home
You mean that much to me
And it's hard to show
Gets hectic inside of me
When you go
It had been twenty-four hours since the fallout and she still wasn't talking to him. He found her in her room curled up in the fetal position. He tried not to make any parallels, tried not to spend too much time thinking about their situation. The mess they'd gotten themselves into. He knew that she must have heard the door open, but she didn't look up. "I know I keep saying this, but I am sorry," he told her softly.
Their encounter with everyone still ran through his head. She had every right to be angry. She went out to get groceries and came home to an inquisition. And as much as this was his fault, as much as this was his reality too, she was at the center of it all. She was the person to whom the questions were posed. The one who was asked to deal with the reality that was a baby. He was merely asked to be there for the ride and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't protect her and he didn't like that. "I am really sorry." He took a seat next to her on the bed, she turned to face the other direction.
"Taylor." He begged. "Can we please just talk about this? You're going to have to talk to me sometime."
She sat up and stared at the doorframe. He stared at her face, watched the way her nostrils flared, the way her lips quivered. He could see the path the saline took down her cheeks. "What is there to talk about? You told them. We said that we wouldn't do that. We said we'd wait until we were both ready. We said we'd do it together. And you. You. Urgh. You know that worst part Ryan, I thought we were a team. I thought in the last two months we'd grown to be partners and that having a kid was going to be okay, because we could work together." She bit her lip. "Just wishful thinking on my part, I guess. But that's Taylor Townsend for you, too socially awkward to handle reality – has to spend her time daydreaming the perfect situation."
"Taylor." He tried to get her to look in his eyes. She refused. "This wasn't about us. This was about me cracking under the pressure. That's all. Don't read too much into it."
She rolled her eyes. "Don't read too much into it? You obviously don't know me at all."
He suppressed a laugh. She hit him less playfully than he would have liked. "Taylor, look at me." She obliged. "Everything is going to be okay. I was weak. We're not weak. I just got sick of lying. That's all and I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I can't, but it's okay. Together we're going to make it okay. Besides we weren't going to be able to hide it much longer."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
"Don't 'nothing' me Ryan Atwood. What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just that you're four months pregnant." He said matter-of-factly.
"And?"
"And last week Seth asked me if you'd secretly gotten breast implants."
"Seriously?" He noted the sudden cheeriness in her voice. "I was starting to wonder if anyone noticed."
"They're hard not to notice." He informed her. "They really command your attention."
"Really? Because you haven't been…"
"I have had other things on my mind." He smiled and tried to reason with her sensuality. "But maybe now that we don't have to worry about telling everyone we can … relax."
"You can't worm your way out of this that easily Ryan." She averted her gaze. "I spent yesterday evening being interrogated. You got to tell our secret and didn't have to deal with the fallout."
"You know me." He sighed. "Do you really think that's what I wanted? I love you Taylor." Her heart melted. "I love you and if I could take this all back I would, but I can't and right now all we can do is get past it. The secret is out and despite what just happened, we both have to deal with the fallout." He took a deep breath. "We're going to have a baby."
"We're going to have a baby." She repeated with a nod.
"Everyone had to find out sometime."
"Everyone had to find out sometime." She wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Look, I may not have been able to stop that ambush earlier, but I promise I am going to make sure that everything is okay."
"I don't need you to make that promise." He grabbed her hand and felt the sweat radiating from her palms.
"I know. I want to." She let her head rest on his shoulder and they fell into the headboard. His arm wrapped around her and silently they told themselves that everything would be all right. It had to be all right.
Can I confess these things to you
I don't know
Embedded in my chest
And it hurts to hold
April 14, 2009
Berkeley, CA
You were right. She called me. All I had to do was wait it out. She called me and sat on the other line silently. I tried for five minutes to get her to respond, to say anything but she jut sat there like a mute. After everything we've been through she couldn't even say that she made it to France okay. I guess I understand though, because the only thing I wanted to tell her was that I love her and I couldn't even do that. I heard it in my head, but I couldn't articulate it. Maybe that's why she couldn't say anything – why talk when I am as emotionally closed off as ever.
Sure. She was weak for sitting on the other line quiet as a mouse, but I wasn't any better. All I did was ask her to talk to me. I didn't say what I really wanted to say. I didn't ask her to come home. I didn't tell her that I missed her. I tried to coerce her into talking to me, but all I was really doing was trying to avoid saying what I needed to say. All I was doing was putting the burden on her. I know that now, but in my defense Taylor has always been the talkative one. The only reason I am the person I am today is because of her. Before her I was a closed book, but when the person you're with is always open about their feelings and always expecting and encouraging you to be open with them too, you change. I changed and all I'm doing is reverting back to my old ways.
I don't want to go back to my old ways, but she's not here and things aren't the same. I miss her and I know that I can't make things go back to normal. I know I can't raise the dead, but that's all I want to do. I want my family back and Taylor should be enough. I mean, Taylor is enough. She really is. It's just that in my head I see things how they were meant to be and it wasn't meant to be just me and her. It was meant to be her, Aurelia, and me. I mean things happen for a reason and so there had to be a reason that Taylor got pregnant the first month we were dating. This can't be it. She wasn't born so that she could die less than two years later. What purpose could that serve?
I keep thinking back to when I found out that the baby was going to be a girl. Taylor had a smile from ear to ear. She wanted a girl. I hadn't really thought about it, but the moment they said girl my heart stopped. A miniature Taylor? I thought I'd be a constant disappointment. I grew up using my fists not my words. I thought I'd never connect and I think deep down I thought that for either sex, but for a girl more so. Then she was born and I couldn't imagine a world without her. The only thing Taylor and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt when she got pregnant was that even though we were young, we were going to try harder and be better parents than either of us had had growing up. I went into hyper drive the moment they put her into my arms. I wasn't going to let anything happen to her. Anything and I didn't. I mean I guess I never did, but that's really not how I feel.
I can't even go into the nursery. I can't do it. I can go to her grave. I can do that fine, but I miss my life. I miss our life and that room is the symbol of it all. She said her first word in there. It was "dadda" – an oldie but a goodie. Taylor and I used to camp out on the floor in her room and study while she slept.
The living room wasn't the center of our house that room was, because Aurelia was the center of our world. So as much as I want to call Taylor and tell her that I love her, that I want her to come home, that I want to make her my wife – I can't because I can't imagine our world without Aurelia. I love her regardless, want her home regardless, want to marry her regardless, I just can't imagine what that looks like and that worries me.
I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam looking in from the dark
He met Sandy during his office hours. He knocked lightly on the door, cleared his throat to announce his presence, and created massive confusion for the student Sandy was meeting with, as she was quickly ushered out and he quickly in. The long conversation on Torts they'd been having brought to an abrupt end.
Sandy gestured for him to sit down, he obliged. They sat in silence for a moment. "Haven't heard from you in a little while." Sandy eventually said. "You missed dinner last week."
"I know. I've been…" Ryan wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to say that he'd been busy, but that would have been a lie. His life certainly wasn't busier now than it had been when she was alive. If anything, he was under whelmed. "I've been avoiding everyone."
"Understandable." Sandy nodded. "But we're here for you. We're always here for you."
"I know." Ryan agreed. "I've just been trying to deal with it all. I mean, Taylor left. And I thought I could deal with it, but I guess I can't."
"You shouldn't have to. Everything that happened, it shouldn't have happened. You shouldn't have to be dealing with anything you are, no one should. But you don't have to hide it from us. We understand. We know how hard it's been."
"I know." Ryan shook his head. "Look. I didn't want to take much of your time, I was just wondering if I could come home. I am going crazy alone and I was hoping I could stay at the house for a while." He inhaled sharply and added, "Just a little while."
Sandy half-smiled. "You're always welcome home son. Always."
"Thanks." Ryan wished he could seem more grateful than he did. He wished he could smile, do anything to ease the tension in the room, but he couldn't. He was too numb, too depressed, too tired.
"Matter of fact, I'll call Kirsten now have her make up your room." Ryan knew what this really meant, knew that he was really going to get her to put away anything that would remind him of his girls – his Aurelia, his Taylor. In that moment he was grateful for small favors.
"Sandy?" Ryan waited for their eyes to meet. "Thanks for everything." He paused for a second and added cautiously, "You're a really great father."
"So were you." Sandy noticed the tears welling in Ryan's eyes and while he knew that he wouldn't let them fall, he also knew what their presence meant. He wanted to lighten the mood. This time he managed a full smile. "For dinner, Mexican or Chinese?"
I walk out in stormy weather
Hold my words, keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip
"You're going to have to leave your room at some point." Ryan said, getting dressed for work.
Taylor's eyes narrowed. "Want to bet?"
"Well, if we bet then I'd just stop bringing you rations and you'd really have to leave."
"No. You wouldn't."
"Why so confident?"
"Because I'm pregnant with your child. And you might not bring rations for me, but I know you'd bring them for it."
"Got me there." He kissed her on the cheek. "But seriously Taylor, you need to leave this room."
"Name one reason?" She folded her arm across her chest.
"Because you can't go on avoiding everyone. Because you're going to rot your brain if you watch another one of Summer's The Valley DVDs. Because it's not healthy. Because I know you and you need to get mixed up in other people's personal business and you can't do that in here…"
"Something pressing." She interrupted.
"We have a doctor's appointment at four. And you know, as I much as I like hanging out in here with you and acting out scenes from A Season for Peaches – I would like to take you out on a real date. Preferably before you have our baby."
"Fine. Then I'll leave here." He looked at her hopefully, "At 3:30. No sooner."
"This is getting ridiculous." He sighed.
"Is it Ryan? Is it?" She'd started to cry. "A year ago, I was valedictorian and going to the Sorbonne. And now? I mean in the course of a year, I've dropped out of school, gotten married, gotten divorced, gotten kicked out of my mom's house, overstayed my welcome here at Julie's, and gotten pregnant. I mean, no reason they judge me. I'd judge me."
"No one is judging you."
"They don't look at you the same way they look at me."
"Taylor." He wiped a tear from her eye. "No one is judging you." She shot him a look. "And if they were, so what? This is our mess, we've figured it out, and…" He stopped himself short.
"And?"
"And I'm happy."
"You're happy?" She choked out in reply.
"Yeah." He nodded.
"Even though I pretended to be your sleep therapist, rented Roger the homosexual, ruined your New Year's plans and left you at an alien rave, told my ex-husband that you wrote a series of articles on the origins of skepticism, stalked you in a groundhog costume, and now you're stuck with me because you knocked me up."
He kissed her passionately. "I'm not stuck with you. I want you. I'm happy. Aren't you?"
She nodded. "Yeah… just hormonal."
"Then prove it. When I leave, get up, go downstairs, and be the Taylor that I know and love. They're not judging you. But if they were, who would care?"
"That's very rational and level headed."
"Well, I've learned a thing or two in the last year." He put an arm around her and felt her burrow her head into his chest.
Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on white lies
April 15, 2009
Paris, France
When I was growing up, I hated going home after school. It was weird actually, I hated school and I hated my house, but that was all I ever had. Harbor and 3210 Harbor Drive. School was the lesser of the two evils. At school, I got to learn and I had teachers who liked me. Or, at the very least, pretended to like me because none of the kids ever did. And at home, I had no one. I had a mother who was never there and berated me when she was. I wasn't even allowed a dog.
When I was twelve, I played a lot of World of Warcraft. When I was thirteen, I watched a lot of anime. When I was fourteen, I started learning new languages. When I was fifteen, I lost my virginity and started translating French love poems. When I was sixteen, I spent my time studying for the SAT. It worked. I got a perfect 2400.
Where other girls had sleepovers. I had Star Trek on VHS, then on DVD. I was seventeen before I made my first real friend and I kind of forced her into that. I started off as an enemy. Then I became a frenemy. Then I became a friend. Then Marissa died. Then I became her best friend. Then I had Aurelia. Then she became my sister.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that most people start out with a home and a family. They start out with love and have a built-in support system for when they lose the love they try to make later on. I, on the other hand, made my home. I made my family. The problem is, Ryan and I made the same family. He made it first and they really adopted him. He became their son. All I did was latch on so tight that they couldn't get rid of me, but if they wanted to, they could phase me out. Him though? They could never phase him out.
Ryan had a harder childhood than me and he was rewarded properly. It's just now, I don't know where to turn. I'm sure they understand. I'm sure they don't judge me. I just know that their loyalty is to him first of all. Their concern is for him first of all. We both had to forge our own homes. He just made his stronger than I made mine.
I did what I've always done. I built my life around obsession. Ryan is everyone's favorite protector and so I let him protect me. I let him protect me and I built my life around that one act. And now where can I turn?
Ryan can't look at me, so the most logical choice was to turn away from him. But what do I do now? I made my home in Ryan. What do I do without a home?What do I have? The Eiffel Tower? I was proposed to on the Eiffel Tower. I hate the fucking Eiffel Tower.
The reality of the situation is that I don't have anything. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a daughter. I don't have a family. I don't have a home. The minute it happened I wished it had been me. I passed out in the ambulance with Ryan passing judgment on me. I'd broken my rib. I woke up in the hospital with Ryan telling me they were about to take her into surgery. I moved when they told me not to. I discharged myself, even though they advised against it. I looked at her sleeping body – tiny, bruised. In that moment, you could barely tell she was still alive, but she latched onto one of my fingers with her hand. I watched them wheel her off for surgery. I did all this, watched all this, and the whole time I just wished it had been me. I should have been near death. A broken rib wasn't enough. I should have been the one on the operating room table. I should have been the one that eventually flat lined.
That's all I think about now. I made my family. She was born into hers. They'd never leave her. She'd never have to feel the way I've felt. She'd never have to feel as lost as I do now. It should have been me. Ryan was a great father. He would have taken such great care of her. He'd probably marry at some point and she'd be banal, but banal girls had families. Banal girls weren't damaged like Marissa, aren't damaged like me.
When I wear heels, I interpret the tapping on concrete as it-should-have-been-you. It mocks me and I'd do anything to change the outcome. I'd do anything to go back and die for her.
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
Seth had always told her how stealth he was, but walking through that house she knew she had him beat. She was doing what Ryan had asked. She had left her room and was on a journey to the kitchen. In her head, she knew he'd been asking her to be normal, to interact with his family, her family – all the people that had been nice enough to take the two of them in. She knew this, but in her heart she didn't care. In her heart she knew she couldn't bear to feel like a pariah. So what if it was all in her head? Taylor Townsend was used to things being in her head. Taylor Townsend had never been good with "normal" and at that moment, the more people she could avoid, the better.
She succeeded in her mission and found herself alone with all the stainless steel. She grabbed a knife from the middle drawer, the peanut butter from the pantry, raspberry jelly from the fridge and bread from the bread box. She was finally going to give in to her cravings. The past few days, the only thing she had wanted to eat was peanut butter and jelly. She didn't understand it; didn't even like peanut butter. She had tried to toss the craving aside, to avoid dealing the fact that it highlighted her pregnancy and the ways her body was starting to change, but she couldn't anymore.
This was her new reality. She couldn't run from it anymore. She dipped her knife into the peanut butter and slowly smoothed it over the bread.
"Peanut butter and jelly?" She heard someone ask. Not stealth enough after all. She looked up. It was Kirsten. Poor Kirsten who lost her birthday surprise.
"Yeah." Taylor avoided making eye contact. "I just had a craving."
Kirsten smiled. "When I was pregnant with Seth, I lived off of peanut butter and jelly. Don't think I've had it since. Can I join you?"
"Yeah." She took out two more pieces of bread. "Of course."
She bit into her sandwich and watched as Kirsten started to make hers. "How are you doing?"
"Fine. I mean, the whole baby thing is a lot to get used to, but I guess I'm doing fine. A little disappointed in myself maybe, but fine." She paused and bit her lip. "Fine, but also terrified."
"I remember that feeling."
"Ryan and I have an ultrasound this afternoon and I want to be excited, I do. But I just know that after it it's going to seem that much more real." Taylor wasn't sure how honest she could be with Kirsten, with herself.
"And?"
"And I don't know how much more real I can handle it being." She started to cry again. She was starting to feel like that that was all she knew how to do. "My mom's in New York. I haven't told her. Not that I want to tell her, but how real can it be without a Veronica Townsend diatribe? I'm just not ready to face reality and I feel horrible about that."
Kirsten looked at Taylor sympathetically. "It's going to be okay. I mean, I felt the same way, but Seth turned out alright."
"Uh-huh." Taylor nodded through the tears.
"You know Taylor, I could… I mean, I want to… could I go with you and Ryan this afternoon?"
"You don't have to do that Kiki."
"I know. I want to. This is my grandchild after all."
"Right." Taylor dabbed her eyes with a paper towel. "Of course. You should come." She guessed Ryan was right after all. Kirsten passed no judgment on her. "I want you to come."
They ate their sandwiches in silence, but after a moment Taylor couldn't contain herself. She pulled Kirsten into a hug and couldn't let go.
I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam looking in from the dark
And I walk out in stormy weather
Hold my words, keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip
He looked around the room. It was emptier than he remembered it. There used to be a crib in the corner. A chest of toys next to the dresser. There used to be a picture of Aurelia's first Chrismukkah. A picture of him, her, and Seth taken on the day she was born. A picture of Taylor in that hospital bed with a smile plastered on her face, their bundle in her arms, and him kissing her forehead. The latter was his favorite. He still had it in his wallet – would probably always have it in his wallet.
He wanted to stay with his parents because he was tired feeling alone, but looking around at how empty the room was he felt more alone than ever. A few hours ago he had wanted the reminders gone, but now he regretted that decision. He needed them – needed to know it hadn't all been in his head; that his life hadn't been a lie.
What he really needed though, was Seth. Seth and Summer. They were both in Providence. He would give anything to be there right now, to have his brother to turn to for advice. It would be painful for all of them, but it might also be therapeutic.
Summer would probably break down in tears the second she saw him. Taylor used to text her a picture a day. It was the only way she had agreed to do G.E.O.R.G.E. During the summer months, Summer came over to their apartment every morning. Her and Taylor had become sisters the way that she and Marissa had been sisters, the way that Seth and Ryan had become brothers. And Summer had been the best aunt that anyone could ask for.
Seth would keep it inside, try to maintain a brave face. He'd overcompensate with pop culture references and corny jokes. Then one night when they were out alone, he'd just fall apart. There would be tears from both parties. After they had pulled themselves together, Seth would probably joke about how he never thought he'd see Ryan Atwood cry.
He needed that. He needed Providence.
He sat in bed with the lights turned off. The last time he'd slept in here, she'd been with him. If he put his head near her pillows, he could smell her. He'd been trying to avoid her scent.
At midnight, his phone rang. He looked at the Caller ID. It was Taylor. His Taylor. The love of his life. The mother of his child; his dead child. He answered it on the second ring. "Taylor?" He questioned. She didn't say anything. It was a repeat performance. "Taylor say something. Please. Just say anything."
Silence.
"Taylor. I…" He paused. "I miss you. I miss you everyday and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He wanted to tell her to come home, but those were words he couldn't get out. "I love you." He managed. He said the word cautiously, scared of getting his heart broken. The silence continued.
"Ryan." She finally said. "Ryan. I love you too." Her voice was calm and collected. His was shaky.
They sat silently on their respected lines. "Ryan?" She asked.
"Yeah."
"I should have said goodbye."
"Yes. You should have."
With that the line went dead. With that his eyes went back to the ceiling. With that the tears he hadn't let Sandy see began to fall.
Song: Night Time by The xx
