Hello, my beautiful readers. I am so incredibly sorry that this much-needed update is so late. I am finally home from college (thank God), and I have finally gotten some time to reflect on the past year. This past year has been one of the hardest of my life, and there have been so many unexpected things that have happened that have just made it so unpredictable. Somehow, I just haven't been able to find the time or motivation to just sit down and write (although I promise that I am trying).
In addition, I apologize that this chapter is so short. I have been working on this chapter for the last month, due to writer's block and general college life at the end of the term. I probably wouldn't even have updated this until it was longer, but I am having hand surgery next week, and I have no clue when I will be able to type again. I scrambled to finish this so that I could offer you some sort of update before I'm drugged up and immobile. Hopefully, I'll be able to find a way to write, but I give no guarantees. So I apologize in advance for this upcoming gap in updates!
Without further ado, please enjoy Chapter 4!
Chapter 4
Severus' ebony desk was cutting sharply into the palms of his hands from where he had caught himself on the edge of the wood. The sudden pain served to rouse him from the shock that seemed to be permeating his mind.
A muttered curse fell from his lips, and he snapped his mouth shut and carefully rearranged his face into his typical cool mask. He could only imagine the moronic look that had been on his face mere moments before.
Harry was standing before him, tears running unchecked down the boy's cheeks. His eyes were beyond bloodshot, his face so pale that it seemed to glow in the dim lighting of Severus's office.
"Potter." He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say or even what he was going to say, but he knew beyond a doubt that he certainly had to say something to the distraught boy standing only a few feet away.
Or perhaps he didn't. With a strangled gasp, Potter dashed for the door, his book bag hanging haphazardly from one arm. The door slammed behind him, and Severus let out a breath that he hadn't known he'd been holding. Clearly he had to go after the boy – especially since it was nearly curfew – but at least this way he had a few moments to collect himself before facing Potter again.
For the first time in years, Severus felt unsure about what to do. For the first time in years, the world seemed as if it had been turned on its head. Potter was abused?
A dark thought settled into Severus's mind, and he embraced it willingly. Of course Potter wasn't abused. It wasn't hard to believe that Potter had pushed forth the worst memories of his existence in an attempt to wrench some sympathy from the cold-hearted Potions Master.
In the back of his mind, Severus reminded himself that Harry hadn't pushed any memories forward. In fact, he had been trying to push the man from his mind from the moment that he felt his shields break. But the stoic Potions professor didn't let that bother him. He wouldn't suddenly go soft for the son of his worst enemy. Potter had lived to make his life a living nightmare ever since he had set foot in the castle. If he wanted to be dramatic, then let him be dramatic.
And therefore, when Severus found Harry Potter standing on the ledge of the Astronomy Tower and staring down at the ground below, he knew better than to take the boy seriously.
oOoOo
"Melodramatic as ever, Potter," came a deep, drawling voice from within the Astronomy Tower, and Harry flinched. He leaned further against the stone wall behind him and simply refused to acknowledge the man. The man was only doing his duty to the school, and as soon as he realized that there was nothing to be done – and, of course, that he didn't care about Harry at all – he would return to the dungeons to tell all of Slytherin house about the embarrassing things that he had learned that evening.
Harry couldn't help the scowl that marred his face, but it was hidden by the dark night.
"You've had your moment. Get down," Snape growled in irritation, and Harry could feel the dark eyes on his back. "Potter, I said get down."
"No."
"As much as we both know you would love the attention that would come with a suicide attempt from the Boy-Who-Lived, we also both know that you aren't about to jump. So – and I'm saying this for the last time – get down," Snape snapped when Harry didn't move.
"No, no – you saw –" Harry ground out, unable to fully put the panic that was running through him into words. Now that the Potions Master had found him, he could feel his emotions seeping through the calmness that had permeated his body only moments before.
He wouldn't let Snape talk him out of this. Snape, who was derisive and mocking even when Harry was standing on a ledge trying to convince himself to jump. The urge to throw himself from the ledge was still grating on his nerves, the desperation pumping coldly through his body as if his veins had been injected with ice water. He had to jump. He had to do this. After everything that had been revealed tonight – and to the worst person possible – he had to bring everything to a grinding halt.
And this was the only way to stop it.
Snape huffed in exasperation, crossing his arms across his chest. "I saw what? A boy who didn't get everything that he wanted at home? Grow up, Potter. You are certainly not the only one who deals with problems away from Hogwarts, and I don't see any of them threatening to jump from the Astronomy Tower because they can't deal with it."
Harry's laugh was cold. "Do I look like I care? Tomorrow I won't have to worry about being compared to anybody."
"Cut it out. I'm not keen on spending the rest of my evening standing here and talking to you. I sacrifice enough of my time for you as it is."
The cold steel of Snape's voice was what finally hardened Harry's resolve.
"Then don't. But what will you tell Ron and Hermione – what will you tell Dumbledore when they ask you where you were the night that Harry Potter died? Will you tell them that you mocked him and watched him fall?" Harry inched his sneakers forward on the stone ledge until they were almost completely over the edge. He had put thought into everything except how to actually do this. Did he jump from the tower, putting as much force as possible into it? Did he simply lean forward and let gravity pull him to the steps below?
"That's irrelevant, Potter, because –"
Harry heard only the first syllables of Snape's surely acerbic remark, for he had finally leaned forward and allowed his feet to lose contact with the stone ledge. The shouted curse that reached his ears was nearly drowned out by the rush of wind.
Falling was brilliant. The wind was rushing past his ears loudly, buffeting him, making him feel as if perhaps he could float in the air between the tower and the ground forever. The feeling of giving up control of his life, of allowing gravity and the frozen ground below to determine his fate, seemed to clear his mind. The torrent of emotions settled into a delightful numbness. He smiled. It was finally over.
Falling was also incredibly short. And the ground was disappointing. And soft. And not-at-all damaging to his body. Cushioning, really.
Snape's pale face was cast in shadows, but Harry could still see him leaning out the window of the tower with his wand in hand. The anger on the man's face would have been shocking – if Harry could feel anything but blissful nothingness at the moment.
Snape shot a spell at him from the tower before disappearing from view, and Harry found himself paralyzed. Now that he couldn't move, there was nothing to do but wait for Snape to find him and unleash his fury on him.
The stars twinkled above Harry, and he found himself staring up at them for the second time that night. He thought that he could at least recognize the Big Dipper now that it wasn't blocked by the walls of the Astronomy Tower, and the North Star twinkled merrily along next to it.
The doors to Hogwarts burst open. Snape came flying through the heavy oak doors, his robes flying behind him in his haste. A wave of his wand cancelled the spell, and with it, all of the emotions that had previously been quelled came rushing back through Harry like a summer wildfire.
Harry was on his feet in an instant, rushing at Snape with fists flying. He collided with him rather ungracefully, beating his fists against the man's chest in his frustration as he shouted, tears threatening to spill again, "I hate you! I hate you! Why couldn't you just let me – I hate you!"
"Are you quite finished, Potter? If you lay your hands on me one more time, I will hex you into next week," Snape threatened lowly. Harry nodded, subdued, and dug his hands into the deep pockets of his robes in embarrassment. "Good. Now come with me. We are going to the Headmaster."
oOoOo
The full implications of the leap that Harry had just taken from the Astronomy Tower hit him while Snape was dragging him to Dumbledore's office. The shame of the incident wormed its way into his chest and made its home there, causing him to tuck his chin to his chest as he made his way down the corridor. His cheeks were flushed and burning.
Snape yanked him forward, his hand wrapped around Harry's bicep in a death grip. "Move, Potter. I don't have all night to deal with this."
Harry grunted in irritation but picked up the pace slightly. He had had enough of this. He didn't want to see Dumbledore. He didn't want to see Snape. He didn't even want to see Ron or Hermione, or Neville or Dean or Ginny. He just wanted to return to his dormitory and burrow himself in his comfortable four-poster bed and sleep off the tiredness that seemed to have settled into his bones.
His feet dragged slightly again, and Snape yanked him forward harder than the first time. Harry kept his head down and let himself be dragged down the hallway. Snape suddenly came to an abrupt stop, and Harry stumbled slightly, only recognizing where they were when his face almost met the rough stone of the gargoyle that guarded Dumbledore's office.
"Fudge flies," Snape spat, and the gargoyle leapt aside to reveal the staircase that led up to the office.
When Dumbledore opened the door to them at the top of the staircase, he looked surprised but delighted. However, when he saw Snape pull Harry up the stairs along with him, he looked both confused and concerned.
"Severus? Harry? To what do I owe the pleasure?" He gave Snape a long look before returning to his desk and motioning to the two cushioned chairs across from him.
"Perhaps Potter would like to explain that. He's the one who decided to jump from the Astronomy Tower mere moments ago," Snape ground out, glaring at Harry sharply. Harry shrank in his seat, feeling his cheeks beginning to burn again.
The usual twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes diminished, and it pained Harry to see the dull sadness that was prevalent now that it was gone. "Is this true, Harry?"
Harry gave the man a tiny nod, staring at his hands where they were fidgeting in his lap. He couldn't find the nerve to look the Headmaster, although he could feel the man's eyes on him.
Snape looked down on him disapprovingly from where he was sitting stiffly beside Harry. "Use your words, Potter."
"Yes, sir, I jumped from the tower," Harry whispered, suddenly taking an immense interest in his cuticles. He picked at his left thumb until a tiny drop of blood appeared on the finger, and he dabbed it away disinterestedly.
"Harry, please look at me," Dumbledore murmured, his voice grave and gentle. Harry met Dumbledore's gaze immediately, although the sadness and concern lined in the man's aged face made him want to hide his face in shame once again. "Can you explain to me why you chose that course of action?"
Harry risked a glance at Snape, whose face was twisted into a deep scowl. The Potion Master's black eyes bored into his own, and Harry quickly turned his face back toward the Headmaster.
"I –" Harry paused. What did he tell the Headmaster? He couldn't completely confide in Dumbledore about his life with the Dursleys, especially after the man had sent him back summer after summer despite Harry's requests to stay with Ron or Sirius or really just anyone in the Order. He wasn't sure that Dumbledore truly knew the full extent of the Dursleys' cruelty, but the man had to know about it on some level. And besides, since Snape had forced himself into his memories, one too many people already knew the secret that he had buried under smiles and lies for years.
Harry glanced at Snape again. The man was truly glaring at him now. Harry forced himself to answer the Headmaster this time, as hard as his feelings were to put into words. "We had an Occlumency lesson, and Snape saw some memories that he didn't have any right to see. And I know that he'll tell – I know that he'll – I don't know. I just knew that I couldn't have him seeing them, so I freaked out and just –"
"Just decided to take a little dive off the Astronomy Tower, didn't we?" Snape cut in nastily.
"I was upset, okay? I obviously wasn't thinking clearly, and it's not like you made it much better once you got there either!" Harry protested angrily, gripping the armrests of his chair.
Dumbledore gave them both a hard look, although Snape bore the brunt of it. "Professor Snape, Harry," the man reminded him gently. "And I doubt that Professor Snape would use his knowledge of these private memories against you in any way." He threw another stern glance in Snape's direction.
"Of course not, Headmaster," Snape replied dutifully. Harry scowled and crossed his arms.
Dumbledore directed his attention toward Harry, who lessened his glower just the tiniest bit. "Harry, I am glad to hear you say that you weren't thinking clearly, but I am nonetheless concerned by your decision, and understandably so. As per both Hogwarts and St. Mungo's protocol, I cannot allow you to just return to your normal life without any intervention. A suicide attempt is a very serious matter, as I'm sure you can understand."
"I wasn't – I didn't mean to – "
"I'm sure that you truly didn't mean to end your life, but that doesn't change the severity of the situation, Harry." The sadness in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to deepen more than Harry had thought possible. Nausea and disgust with himself settled in the pit of his stomach at the thought that he had hurt the man so badly. "As I said before, there is protocol to follow – a suicide watch of sorts. Usually, we would send you to St. Mungo's, although that would be very public and undesirable, especially with the wizarding world's current view of you. The second option would be to stay in the Hospital Wing, which would be less public but would still catch the attention of students, which would cause unwanted rumors to spread. Therefore your third – and likely best – option would be to stay with a Hogwarts professor for a while. You would take a break from classes, and the professor would keep an eye on you to make sure that you were faring well until you were deemed ready to return to your normal life."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief. If he had to be on suicide watch for a while, at least it could be done privately and with someone he trusted here at Hogwarts. "Oh, perfect. But are you sure Professor McGonagall would be okay with me – ?"
"You wouldn't be staying with Professor McGonagall, Harry. She has many duties to perform as Deputy Headmistress, and at risk of making myself sound positively ancient, she is not quite young enough to keep up with a fifteen-year-old boy," Dumbledore interrupted, a somewhat dulled twinkle appearing in his blue eyes.
"Okay, well if not McGonagall . . . definitely not Umbridge. Probably not Hagrid either. I can't really imagine staying with Flitwick. And I probably wouldn't stay with a professor that I didn't really know. So that means . . ." Harry eyes widened in horror, and even Snape stiffened with surprise as he reached the same conclusion as Harry.
Dumbledore gave life to the horrifying idea. "I think that your best option would be to stay with Professor Snape for a short while, Harry."
Snape was on his feet in an instant, his voice sharp and cutting as he spat, "Albus, you can't possibly – best option?"
Harry was on his feet beside him, equally shocked and even angry, "Are you mad? He just –"
Dumbledore merely smiled at them and gave his wand a quick swish. "I've just taken the liberty of moving your trunk and all of your things to Professor Snape's quarters, Harry. Remember to keep warm in the dungeons."
Please let me know what you thought! :)
