A/N Sorry it's been a while, but hey, I kept it under a year this time ;) Seriously though, I've been uber busy and somewhat obsessed with Megamind (ok, REALLY obsessed with it). Thanks to all who Pmed, emailed or offered good wishes – it means a lot. There are fewer people reading than there used to be, so I guess we'll see how this goes. If you read, please review. I just want to know if I should continue. R/R, thanks.
About a month later Ryan and Seth were hanging out in Seth's dorm room playing video games when Seth randomly asked, "So what's the deal with you and Marissa?"
Ryan nearly choked on his Dr. Pepper he was currently taking a drink of. He set the drink down on the floor beside him and swallowed slowly. "Um.. what do you mean?"
Seth paused the game and looked over at Ryan, raising his eyebrows. "Come on, man. There's obviously something going on with her."
Ryan looked at Seth uneasily. "Why do you say that?"
Seth turned so he was completely facing Ryan. "You two look at each other like you're the only ones in the room, even when her boyfriend is right beside her. You're always together. You're always talking to her." Ryan's phone beeped. Both boys turned to look at it. Seth sighed. "And I bet you that's her right now texting you."
Ryan reached for his phone. "You're overexaggerating." He slid open his phone and saw that Seth was right: Marissa had just sent him a text. He couldn't help the smile that formed on his face at her words; "Sooo bored. Plz help :(." He looked up at Seth who rolled his eyes. "What?"
"She has a boyfriend, man," Seth said quietly, giving his friend a serious look.
Ryan looked down at the phone in his hands as he softly said, "I know."
Seth was quiet for a minute. "Then why did you let yourself fall in love with her?" Ryan's eyes jumped to Seth's face. Before he could say anything, Seth opened his mouth. "It's so obvious by the way you look at her and talk to her, Ryan. Ever since the first time we ran into her, which makes no sense, by the way, since you had only known her for two weeks."
Ryan sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I'm not.."
Seth cut him off. "Ryan, don't deny it."
Ryan looked at Seth and nodded. "I know. I wasn't going to say that." He paused to make sure that Seth was following. Seth just nodded and kept his mouth shut. "I'm not sure where to start."
"The beginning would be nice."
Ryan leaned back against the couch. Seth's dorm was decorated similarly to his own with two separate bedrooms, a mini-kitchen and main living area. The dorm was only occupied by Seth himself, so Ryan didn't have to worry about anyone overhearing his story; he just didn't know if he was ready to actually form the words outloud. He had never told anyone about Marissa – even Theresa. The thought of coming out and openly speaking about it made him uneasy and sick to his stomach. Marissa had always been his own little secret, one that he didn't know if he wanted to share. He looked in Seth's direction and caught his dark haired friend's waiting eyes. "If I tell you, you can't ever tell anyone," Ryan said slowly.
Seth nodded and said, "I wasn't planning on it. Besides, who would I tell?"
Ryan remembered Seth's talks about Brett, Marissa's best friend. The first time Seth had spoken of the guy, Ryan's blood had boiled with a jealousy he had never experienced before – even with Luke. Something about Marissa having a best friend she confided everything in made him upset; the fact that her new best friend was a guy didn't help.
Apparently Seth, Marissa and Brett had all been friends at one time before Luke became involved. Then it was Brett and Marissa, Seth and Brett, and Marissa and Luke. Since Seth was close to Brett and Brett was extremely close to Marissa, Ryan knew that in essence, anything he said could get relayed back to Marissa. The thought of Brett informing Marissa that he, Ryan Atwood, was her old best friend, Ryan Mckenzie made him hesitate. He couldn't lose Marissa, not again, and that's what his previous thoughts would lead to.
"Brett," Ryan said quietly.
Seth's eyes brightened with understanding. "Ryan, I wouldn't. Especially with something like this." He was quiet for a moment. "You can trust me."
Ryan sighed. "That's what I was afraid of." Seth looked at him, confused. Ryan ran a hand through his shaggy hair. "Marissa and I met on the message boards for a show when we were both twelve. We talked for three years. She thought my last name was Mckenzie though and she never saw a picture of me." He paused, observing Seth's baffled expression before continuing. "I moved when I was fifteen to Chino, which is where I've lived the last three years. Things got tense then between us. Neither of us were online at the same time anymore. We always seemed to arguing." Ryan thought back to all those years ago and tried to ignore the aching in his heart. It was never easy to think about it.
He continued. "One day I decided that it would be best for her if I left. I debated it for days on end, always unsure of whether I should go through with it or not. Finally, she sent me a message that made me sure. One where she basically in her own words talked about how I ruined her life." He looked at his hands, in so much pain that his voice came out in almost a whisper. "The next day we were ironically online at the same time. I told her I was going to leave. So I did. And I never came back." He took a few minutes to continue, his throat constricting so he couldn't speak. If ever he were the crying type, now would be the time to let the tears fall.
"She sent me an email a couple of days later. Said that she loved me – was IN love with me. I had loved her for three years, since before I even hit puberty. What she was telling me was all I ever wanted to hear from her. But I knew that if I went back, things would never be the same, and besides, she was better off without some low life like me. She had so much potential." Ryan looked back at his phone, remembering her text. He saw that she had texted again. He opened it up. Guess ur busy :( txt when u can.
"When I got here I immediately recognized her. It was like a dream come true, except sometimes it feels like a nightmare." He let out a frustrated sigh. "I can talk to her, I can laugh with her, I can hang out with her all I want – but she's no longer mine. And she never will be. She doesn't even know I'm the guy she fell in love with all those years ago. And then there's Luke."
Ryan was quiet for a long time and Seth took this as his opportunity to speak. "So you mean to tell me that you're 'the guy'?"
Ryan looked at Seth confusedly, raising an eyebrow. "What guy?"
Seth stood up and started pacing. "This all makes so much sense now. Why she never told me about it and why she always got so emotional when watching You've Got Mail. No one knew this guy that she had apparently been in love with. She just said that he was from some other school, that we had never met him and probably never would. You're the guy."
Ryan was still confused. "I'm still not following."
Seth sighed exasperatedly. "Brett said that Marissa had gotten out of a complicated relationship and that's why she was always so depressed." At the word depressed, Ryan felt a twinge in his chest. "But he would never tell me who it was or the whole story behind it. When I asked Marissa about it, she and Brett shared this look and she told me that he went to another school and it was over now. She always seemed really weird, like she was hiding something, which I knew she was. You're the guy. I finally figured it out!" Seth sat back down. "But – Ryan, she loved this guy desperately. You could see it all over her face. All you have to do is get her to check an email or go anywhere near a computer and you can see it. You should just tell her, man." Seth looked at him intently. "I mean, what's the worst that could happen?"
Ryan sighed and leaned back against Seth's sofa, closing his eyes. "I could lose her again."
June 10, 2003
RyMAt87: Hey. We're both online at the same time :)
MAC_12: Yay.
RyMAt87: Hey.. what's wrong?
MAC_12: Nothing.
RyMAt87: We've only talked for three years. I think I know you by now. Now come on, spill. What's on your mind?
MAC_12: Ryan, really, just let it go.
RyMAt87: Riss. Come on. I want to know. Don't you trust me?
MAC_12: I don't want to hurt you.
RyMAt87: If you don't tell me you're already going to be hurting me.
MAC_12: I'm getting tired of this.
RyMAt87: Of what?
MAC_12: This. We're never online at the same time anymore.
RyMAt87: I know, Riss. It's only temporary though, you know that. Soon we'll be talking a lot like we used to. It'll just take a little time.
MAC_12: How much time, Ryan? I already spend all my available time on the computer pathetically waiting for you to reply while everyone else has actual friends.
RyMAt87: Oh, so I'm not an actual friend now?
MAC_12: You know what I mean.
RyMAt87: How long have you been feeling this way?
MAC_12: I don't know. On and off since you moved to Chino.
RyMAt87: Huh.
MAC_12: Ryan, please don't be mad. I was just telling you how I feel.
RyMAt87: Thanks.
MAC_12: Ryan, don't do this. Come on, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I just miss you so much is all.
RyMAt87: Forget about it. Hey, look, I have to go.
MAC_12: Already? You just got here.
RyMAt87: Mom said I have to go help her with something. I'll try to be back soon, ok?
MAC_12: Oh. Ok.
Marissa Cooper sat on her bed trying not to stare at her phone. She flipped through her psychology textbook, trying to pay attention and read it, but her mind kept drifting back to her quiet phone. She decided to pick it up and slide it open once more to see if maybe she had missed his text. She saw a picture of Luke and sighed, disappointed. Ryan hadn't replied yet. It had been over an hour.
She threw her phone on her bed and lay her head down on the pillow, letting out a long, deep sigh. She looked up at the ceiling and ran a hand over her face. Her thoughts drifted to the blond hair blue eyed roommate of her boyfriend. Her BOYFRIEND, she reminded herself. So why was she feeling this way?
Their relationship was completely innocent, but that was the problem, wasn't it? He was always so nice and careful with her. They could talk and have fun without it being awkward; they could sit next to each other without her getting mauled by his lips. She could go to a restaurant with him and just relax without worrying whether she was saying or doing the right thing. It was just Ryan – her boyfriend's roommate – the guy in her psychology class – her friend.
It wasn't that things were complicated or dramatic. Hell, it wasn't even that Luke was jealous; Luke trusted them completely and even encouraged the two to hang out together while he was off with his own friends. She figured that this way Luke could keep an eye on her by having her watched by his roommate, but Marissa honestly didn't mind. She liked getting to know Ryan. She genuinely enjoyed his company. So why was she so confused?
Maybe it had to do with the fact that he scared her in an odd way. She wasn't terrified for her life, but she was terrified of how much she enjoyed spending time with him. She hadn't enjoyed truly talking to anyone as much as Ryan since another Ryan entirely, and that was beyond comfortable.
She peeked at him over her menu, quietly observing his features. His shaggy hair fell in his blue eyes. His expression was guarded, almost as if he didn't want her to see how he felt. For some reason unbeknown to her, she discovered that she wanted to know what he was feeling; she wanted him to open up. "So.. what are you going to get?" she asked him, wanting to get him talking.
He kept his eyes on the menu. "I don't know.. Maybe some pancakes. This place has 24 hour breakfast, right?"
She looked at the menu and nodded. "Yeah." When Ryan didn't say anything more, she put her menu down and placed her hands in her lap. "Pancakes sound good." Ryan's eyes glanced over at her and he offered a small half smile before diverting his eyes back down to his menu. She awkwardly played with her hands in her lap, wondering what she could do to make this less weird. She had been curious about him since she first met him but he never seemed willing to offer up any information.
Ryan placed his menu down and looked up at her, his eyes locking with her. Her heart skipped a beat; she felt herself blush slightly. "So.." he said quietly, tilting his head and smiling softly. His eyes sparkled when he looked at her. She tried to speak but for the life of her couldn't find any words. He seemed to sense this and took control. "How are you liking Psychology?"
It wasn't an exciting topic, but it was something. "I think it's okay so far. I don't know, I'm just getting into the college state of mind." She fiddled with her fingers. "What about you?"
He shrugged. "I'm really enjoying it. I love college." He paused, looking down at his own hands on the table. "It's a lot better than school back home."
"You're from Chino, right?" She asked, excited by this opening. He merely nodded. When he looked back up at her his eyes were guarded again. "What was it like there?"
He looked down at his hands again. She followed his gaze and saw that he was clenching his fists. "Small, crowded, gray..." He diverted his eyes to survey the room. After a minute he spoke again. "Not really much to talk about."
She bit her lip, wondering if it was appropriate to ask more questions. Her Ryan had lived in Chino. She knew very little about it, but from what she did know, it wasn't a nice place. She decided to just go for it; she wanted to know about this Chino that her best friend had lived in. Who knows, maybe he still did. "I used to have a friend who lived in Chino."
He nodded, not meeting her eye. "You mentioned that before."
She was surprised he remembered. She brushed a strand of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. "Um.. yeah."
He didn't look up at her as he asked, "So.. Tell me about this friend."
It was now her turn to look down. "What about him?"
"So.. it was a guy," He commented. She silently cursed herself for giving away a piece of information about Ryan. He was always her secret, except for with Brett.
She breathed out. "Yeah, it was a guy. So what?"
Her hands were now on the table picking at the menu. He reached out and placed a hand over hers and she looked up to see him intently staring at her. She felt like he was looking into her soul, but she just couldn't look away. The way her stared at her made her feel powerless before him, like she was sinking – into what, she didn't know. All that she did know was that she had never felt this way with anyone before and it completely terrified her. "I was just trying to find out more about you, Riss."
She blushed deeply. "Um.. Riss?"
His cheeks turned slightly red and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, it just slipped out.."
She smiled shyly and said, "It's fine. You can call me that.." She trailed off, then added, "Ry." He grinned and from then on things weren't awkward anymore.
Marissa was pulled out of her memories by the sound of her phone. She looked at it for a moment before quickly picking it up, sliding it open and checking the name. Ryan had finally texted her back: srry, talking with Seth. Whats up?
She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't stop the twinge of jealousy in her stomach from the thought of him talking to Seth and not her. She supposed it stemmed from the fact that her previous Ryan had been all hers pretty much all the time, until the end, that is. She didn't like to really share her really close friends after that; it took a long time to get used to Brett dating her sister. Still, she knew it was wrong to feel this way, especially when she so obviously had Luke.
She bit her lip and replied: Nothing much. Was just kinda lonely.
Was it wrong to say that? She wondered for a moment if he would take it the wrong way. It wasn't a slutty invitation, it was her true emotion. She was pulled from her thoughts a minute later when he quickly responded. Want me too come over?
She smiled slightly to herself. She did miss his company. She felt so comfortable around him and it wasn't like Luke was around to keep her company. She bit her lip, wondering if she should let him. Maybe her feelings for him were too much for now. There was no denying the spark between them, the chemistry. More than once they were out walking together and she'd look at him and lose her breath. She was almost scared to be with him, yet she didn't want to be away from him. She was so confused, so conflicted.
Her phone beeped again. I could bring over a movie. The Notebook?
The smile on her face widened. She knew that she would invite him over and she'd feel those familiar wonderful feelings that she always had when she was around him; she knew she would be scared. However, she knew that she was helpless – she couldn't stop it. She was a prisoner to these feelings and she loved it.
August 18, 2002
MAC_12: Hey, do you want to see a picture of me?
RyMAt87: Um, sure. I can't show you one though. I don't have a scanner.. or even a camera, at that.
MAC_12: Oh, it's ok. I just thought I'd show you one. I'll email it to you.
RyMAt87: Ok.
MAC_12: It's me at the beach a couple of days ago. Did you get it?
RyMAt87: Yeah, I got it.
MAC_12: So, what do you think?
RyMAt87: I never knew you were so beautiful.
MAC_12: Um.. thanks.
RyMAt87: I'm sorry if that's weird to say, you're just really pretty.
MAC_12: I'm ok, I guess.
RyMAt87: Whatever guy marries you is going to be one lucky man. I bet you've been hit on a lot.
MAC_12: Ry, I'm only fourteen.
RyMAt87: So? A girl like you? You'd have no problems finding a guy.
MAC_12: Well, I don't want someone who just cares about how I look. I want someone smart and funny and caring. Someone who gets me. Someone who would put anything and everything aside for me. That's the kind of guy I want.
RyMAt87: Good, you deserve nothing less.
MAC_12: Thanks.
RyMAt87: Don't mention it.
Ryan stood outside Marissa's door nervously holding The Notebook. His heart was pounding hard in his chest knowing that she was on the other side of the door waiting for him. That they would spend the next couple of hours together. Keep yourself together, Atwood, he thought to himself. She has a boyfriend.
He raised his hand and gently knocked on the door, swallowing the forming lump in his throat. Marissa called out that she'd be there in just a minute and Ryan started to think this was a bad idea. After his talk with Seth he realized that he was so madly in love with Marissa that it was wrong. He'd known he loved her, but he didn't realize how much until he spilled out all this secrets to Seth. Now that he was aware of just how invested in this girl he was, he knew that things between them couldn't ever be simple. He'd always be so vulnerable, so easily able to be hurt.
Every thought flew from his head when she swung the door open breathlessly. Her hair was wet and she was currently running a brush through it. She was wearing a pink tank top and sweats; no makeup littered her face. She looked just as beautiful as ever. She smiled and moved aside for him to walk in. "Did you bring the movie?"
He looked at her and swallowed hard, his face instantly breaking into a warm, soft smile as his eyes met hers. "Of course." As he walked farther into the apartment, he decided that he was so screwed. But as he sat down on the couch and the movie started playing and Marissa rested her head on his shoulder, he decided that he was completely okay with it.
I think I'm going to end it there. I can't seem to pull another chat thing from my head. I hope you enjoyed it.
Thanks to mrs-oats, Juzzy88, FireBluez1115, tcsportsmed7, OTHOC23, journey 17 and Anna for your reviews.
