"This really isn't necessary, Harley," said Two-Face, as he sat at a table in Harley's hideout. "I mean, I've sampled your cooking, so I'd rather skip lunch and just get down to business."
"I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by my cooking, Harvey," said Harley, smiling as she stirred a pot on the burner.
"Have you been taking lessons?" asked Two-Face.
"No, but I surprise myself these days," replied Harley. "It's amazing what you can accomplish if you just relax and listen to the little voice inside you…well, look who I'm talking to!" she laughed. "Is your bad half a good cook, or is he just bad at everything for consistency's sake?"
"I don't tend to cook for myself, since the last time I did, I burned half the meal and left the other half raw," replied Two-Face.
"Yeah, why mess with a good gimmick?" asked Harley, her green eyes bright as she served up the meal she had been cooking. She took two plates over to the table and placed one in front of Two-Face. "Well, go on, eat up," she said.
"You first," he retorted.
"Now Harvey, I know you're a suspicious kinda guy, but you can't honestly think I'd poison you?" she asked. "Or is your insistence on ladies first just due to your gentlemanly nature?"
"It's due to the fact that I don't trust you," retorted Two-Face. "No offense. I know we all pretended to be best buddies when Scarecrow had us on board for that attack on Gotham thing, but nine months before that we were in the middle of a gang war in Arkham City on opposing sides. I'm not convinced you've forgiven me for that – you certainly never used to forgive anyone who crossed Joker."
"Well, he's dead now, isn't he?" asked Harley, her green eyes bright. "No point in trying to avenge a dead man. We need to leave the past in the past, and move forward toward a bright future together. I want us to be friends, Harvey. I want us to be close," she said, her hand sliding onto his.
"Um…o…k," he said, slowly. "I'm not really sure what you mean by that…"
"I'll try to be a little clearer," she said, grinning at him as she leaned over and adjusted her top slightly to reveal her cleavage. But then her face fell into a frown as her body pulled back. "No, we are not doing this!" she hissed, her blue eyes furious. "I am not letting you do this! Just be quiet, you little brat!" she snarled, her green eyes flashing fury. "This is a great gag! It is not a great gag – it's disrespectful to your memory, and I'll be damned if anyone says I'm that! Plus how weird must this be for you trying to seduce a man? I think it's really funny, actually, so just shut up and play along! No, we are not offering him our body! Yes, we are! No, we're not!"
"Uh…Harley…" stammered Two-Face, watching her lurch backwards and forwards. "Are you…ok?"
"You can't honestly want to try this!" exclaimed Harley, ignoring Two-Face. "I don't think he will want to try it, but it's a fun joke! It won't be a fun joke if he accepts! I'm not cheating on you, and anyway, I doubt you'll enjoy it with a man! I think it'll be hysterical how traumatized he'll be whether I enjoy it or not! It's too far for a damn joke, and I'm not playing along! Harley, you will do as I say, or so help me, you're gone! Try it, pal! I will! I'll show you, you useless dame!"
Her hand suddenly shot out and knocked the plate of pasta onto her lap. "Jesus, what are you doing, you dumb blonde?" Harley roared, standing up suddenly. "What I have to to make you see sense, you selfish ingrate!"
"Harley…" began Two-Face again, extremely concerned, but she suddenly stood up, heading for the neighboring room.
"Excuse me for just a second, Harvey," she said, slamming the door. Two-Face stared after her, hearing the arguing continuing.
"Wow. And I thought I had problems," he commented, examining the plate of food in front of him. He cautiously dipped a finger into the sauce and then tasted it. "Actually, it's not too bad," he muttered to himself. "I guess she really has been taking lessons."
"Now where were we?" asked Harley, re-entering the room. "Oh yes, skipping lunch and getting down to business," she said, settling herself on the table in front of him and batting her green eyes.
"Harley, are you seriously attempting to seduce me?" asked Two-Face. "Because first off, I'm not flattered, since your type was the Joker, and second off, I'm not going anywhere where he's been, if you take my meaning."
"You should be flattered, since the Joker was the most attractive man who ever lived," snapped Harley, her green eyes flashing. "He had a perfect body, until it was destroyed and he was forced to settle for inferior specimens! But there's no reason why we can't have a little fun with the joke – I mean, I'd rather it was the Bat, but he's in on the joke, so the punchline won't be as funny when it's revealed."
"What punchline?" asked Two-Face.
"Just trust me – it's going to be a laugh riot," murmured Harley, leaning forward with her lips parted.
"Sorry to interrupt, Joley, but there was no henchman outside, and I just wanted to confirm…" began Scarecrow, entering the room at that moment. "Oh my God, what are you doing?" he demanded, seeing the situation in the room.
"Having a little fun with a joke!" snapped Harley, her green eyes flashing angrily. "So beat it, sack-face!"
"It's not what you think – I'm really not interested in her at all," said Two-Face. "It's just awkward because you don't wanna be too aggressive shoving a lady away…"
"Well, you're lucky that that's not a lady then," retorted Crane. "Which makes it even more awkward."
"What are you talking about?" asked Two-Face.
"Oh fine, ruin the joke!" snapped Harley. "You're a wet blanket, just like Harley! Thanks, Johnny, I appreciate you arriving when you did," she sighed, her blue eyes looking relieved. "He had locked me up in here, and I'm honestly not sure how far he's willing to take that joke, which is scary."
"Would somebody please tell me what's going on?" demanded Two-Face. "Since when did Harley have a split personality? I'm a little insulted that she's copying me, frankly."
"She's not copying you, and it's not a split personality," retorted Crane. "It's very hard to explain, but…she's got the Joker in there with her. The two of them are sharing one body now. Think of it sort of as demonic possession."
"Right…demonic possession," said Two-Face, slowly. "She's gone crazy from the grief, hasn't she?" he whispered to Scarecrow. "I always knew it would happen one day, that she'd completely snap and lose all grip on reality."
"No, I promise you, it's true," said Crane. "Jervis and I facilitated it. She's Joley now – Joker and Harley combined into one form, but with two separate consciousnesses which are often at war with each other."
"Only when somebody is being unreasonable," muttered Harley, sitting down and sulkily poking at her lunch. "Like the spoilsport she is."
Two-Face stared at him. "You realize that doesn't make sense, right?" he asked, slowly. "Joker's dead…"
"I'm not dead, you two-faced monstrosity!" snapped Harley, her green eyes flashing. "I know you've been wishing I was for a long time – like that time you put me on trial in Arkham City, and Harley had to stall for time until Batman could come rescue me, even though I had everything under control! Your idiot henchmen had to search me twice, and then tie me up twice, and then you had to give your big spiel twice about how it wasn't anything personal, just the coin telling you what to do, and then you flipped the coin, and then you dropped the coin, and I thought that was hysterical so I laughed at you, and then you said it was personal now, and that you wouldn't stop until I was dead, and I told you that I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of killing me, and that I was saving myself for Batsy, and you said Batsy would never kill, and I said I bet I can make him, and then one of your henchmen came in and said Ivy was demanding her own special place away from the meatsacks, or she wouldn't testify at the trial, and you said you had a special place for her body after you hit it with a truck, and I said I'd take the truck after you were done and hit her again just to be sure, and you laughed, but then said you were still gonna kill me. Which you never did," she finished, downing her drink.
Two-Face stared at her, growing more aghast as he realized the situation. "Oh my God…she came on to me!" he exclaimed. "At least, I hope she did…"
"She did not!" snapped Harley, her blue eyes flashing. "As if I could ever possibly be interested in anyone besides my Mr. J! Especially now that he's here inside me, I've got everything I've ever wanted," she sighed. "But I guess he thought coming on to you was a funny joke. I didn't think it was a funny joke – it was a funny joke!" she snapped, her green eyes returning. "Just look at his traumatized little faces!" she chuckled, beaming at Two-Face.
"If you're done playing childish pranks, I did have a question for Harley," sighed Crane. "It's always been difficult trying to have a real conversation with her because of your inane antics, which have only grown stronger now that you actually have possession of her body."
"I just believe in equal opportunity for comedy," retorted Harley. "Harley wasn't funny before, but with me in her body, she could be hysterical! She just needs the guts to try for it. I have the guts, and I also have a little bit of dignity, thanks," she retorted, rolling her blue eyes. "Dignity is the death of comedy, you know that, toots!" she snapped. "Or you're gonna learn that while I'm in here!"
"This is hugely confusing, and even more disturbing," said Two-Face.
"You just need to keep track of her eye color to tell who's in control," said Crane. "Actually, it's easier to tell than whichever half is in control of you, Harvey."
"Well, both my halves agree, without flipping the coin, that we're getting out of here right now before things get any weirder…" said Two-Face, heading for the door.
"Hey, no, don't be like that, Harv!" exclaimed Harley. "You haven't even heard our proposition yet!"
"I did hear your proposition, and the answer was no," he retorted. "And now it's definitely no."
"C'mon, I wouldn't have actually tricked you into sex with me," said Harley. "It was just a joke to see how far I could push you. But I woulda cooled you down before things got too awkward – I just wanted to feel what it was like to have that female power of seduction. Not that I haven't always had an irresistible power of seduction, ask Harley, but it's different for women…"
"J, Harley, or whatever you are, I'm not interested," he interrupted. "I've got enough on my plate already with my plan to take down this Neo-Batman."
"Wait, what plan?" demanded Crane. "Harley and I have a plan to take down Neo-Batman, and I'll bet ours is better."
"It's not a competition," retorted Two-Face. "As long as the little brat is dead, I don't care who does it."
"You should join us," spoke up Harley. "We could always use the extra henchmen."
"Thanks, but I've had enough of you, and I've definitely had enough of Scarecrow's promises," retorted Two-Face. "I recall him very specifically saying that with all our combined forces and the Arkham Knight's militia, Batman was dead for certain, and Gotham would be ours. But only one of those objectives was achieved, and only because Bruce Wayne decided to kill himself after being exposed as Batman. Which was a good move on his part, because his death was the only way justice could have been served after he caused half my face to be burnt off."
"Yes, and it was thanks to me that Bruce Wayne was exposed as Batman!" snapped Crane. "So that should count for something!"
"And actually, neither of those objectives were achieved," added Harley. "Considering Bruce Wayne didn't kill himself."
Two-Face turned to her. "He's still alive?" he asked, quietly.
"Yeah, I was alive in his head throughout that whole Arkham Knight thing," said Harley, nodding. "He faked his own death, but he's still out there. He's not as obvious or overt as he used to be, but he still wants to keep a protective eye on his friends and associates," she said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a photograph of Batman conversing with Neo-Batman on a rooftop.
Two-Face looked from the photo to Harley. "You mean there's two of them now?" he murmured.
"Yep, double the fun!" chuckled Harley. "And twice the fun to take 'em both down. I got dibbs on Brucey, but I'm willing to share, and Harley and Craney have cooked up something for the Bat brat. You in?"
Two-Face slowly pulled out his coin and flipped it into the air. It landed good side up, and he nodded. "I'm in."
