Cold Things, Like Beckett's Heart
The Chinese ship is sailing through the Arctic. It is snowing, and the weather is obviously providing less-than-warm temperatures for the pirates.
Ragetti: It's cold.
Pintel: Wow, really? Yeah, I guess you're right. OF COURSE IT'S COLD, STUPID!
Ragetti: Well, I'm sure there's a very good reason for it.
Pintel: I don't see why that freaky voodoo lady can't just zap Jack alive again like she did with Barbossa.
Tia Dalma: Two things, slick. First, don't call me "that freaky voodoo lady". Second, the only reason I could raise Barbossa was because he was only dead.
Ragetti: Only?
Tia Dalma: Jack Sparrow is not only dead, his soul was taken too. To a place of punishment, probably the worst thing that could have happend to him, short of ticking me off again.
Pintel: Again?
Tia Dalma: You don't want to know. Anyway, Davy Jones' locker is not a sunny happy place, and Jack is stuck there forever, unless we manage to pull this off.
Tia Dalma goes away.
Ragetti: See? Told you there was a good reason.
Will and Tai Huang are freezing their butts off, while Will turns the circles on the navigational charts trying to figure out what the heck they mean.
Will: What the heck do these mean?
Tai Huang: Who knows. I bet they'll lead you someplace really really cool though.
Will: What could be cooler than this? It's like five zillion below zero out here. That's even colder than Beckett's heart.
Tai Huang: You know what I meant.
Will reads off the charts.
Will: Over the edge, over again... Sunrise sets, flash of green... What the heck? Sunrise sets? No it doesn't. Sunrise rises, hence, sun-RISE. Barbossa, what is that supposed to mean?
Barbossa: Just what it says, pansy. The green flash. Ever seen it?
Will: No.
Gibbs: I've seen it. It's weird. Some say it signals--
Pintel: It signals when a soul comes back from the dead!
Gibbs: I was telling the story!
Pintel: Then why didn't you say so?
Gibbs: I thought it was obvious.
Barbossa: Anyhoo, Little Turner, it's not hard to get to the land of the dead.
Will: Well no duh. All you have to do is kill yourself.
Barbossa: Or have someone do it for you.
Ragetti: I would actually prefer to die of natural causes.
Pintel: I'd prefer to not die at all.
Ragetti and Pintel go off to discuss this together.
Barbossa: See? It's not that hard to get to the land of the dead. The trick is getting back.
Will: You seem to have managed.
Barbossa: I'm just tight like that.
Tia Dalma: He so had help.
Barbossa: Whatever.
Tia Dalma: Fine, then, if you're so sure of yourself, I'll let the whelp kill you and see how you do at bringing yourself back.
Will: Stop calling me the whelp. It's not true anymore and it's not funny.
Pause.
Will: Actually, it was never true. Just like the eunuch thing, Jack made it up.
Barbossa: Haha, I had forgotten about that one!
Will: Maybe I should shut up and go back to being confused over these charts.
Will does so accordingly.
Back in places that aren't so creepily far away, Beckett is looking through a telescope at the ships that were destroyed by the Flying Dutchman.
Beckett: Can't we get any closer? I can't see anything, it's so far away.
Mercer: Lord Beckett, sir, I think you've got that telescope backwards.
Beckett: Oh...
Beckett turns the telescope around.
Beckett: Oh my OMG!
Mercer sighs and decides not to comment on this.
Mercer: Yes, sir, it seems that Jones likes to destroy things.
Beckett: Bring me the chest.
Beckett flings the telescope overboard. Mercer looks at it, confused. Then he changes the subject.
Mercer: You know, the Governor has been asking a lot of awkward questions lately.
Beckett: About the chest?
Mercer: No, about your mom.
Beckett: How dare he insult Mum! Kill him!
Mercer: That was sarcasm, sir. Of course he's asking about the chest. And the heart.
Beckett: Does he know?
Mercer gives Beckett a look that could mean anything from "Are you seriously wearing those two colors together?" to "Yes, the Governor knows about the heart, and it's becoming a problem."
Beckett: What are you looking at?
Beckett looks around trying to make sure his clothes match properly.
Mercer: We need to do something about the Governor because he knows too much.
Beckett: Oh, right. Yes, we should. He's useless anyways.
Mercer: What do you want me to do?
Beckett: You're creative. Think of something.
Mercer: I am not creative. I take orders from you.
Beckett: Coolies!
Mercer: Don't say that.
Rowboats are being rowed through the water. Governor Swann sees all the dead bodies floating around and gets grossed out.
Davy Jones is playing the organ with his face. His music box starts to play and he picks it up and looks at it, nearly breaking down into sobs, then he is summoned by Beckett.
The EITC officers are standing on the deck of the Flying Dutchman with swords and rifles and trebuchets and things, just in case they have to kill the immortal crew members. Murtogg and Mullroy, the two intellectuals, are there, holding rifles, and guarding a broom closet. They are looking very nervous. Norrington comes out after them.
Norrington: Chill out, it's just a broom closet.
Pause. Murtogg and Mullroy are quite confused by the Admiral's odd choice of words.
Norrington: I mean, steady, men.
Davy Jones walks up on deck, and sees the chest.
Davy Jones: Why can't you people ever leave me alone? Go away, and take that thing with you. I don't want it here.
Beckett: But I do!
Davy Jones: I'm bigger than you.
Beckett: So? So is everyone else, but you don't see them questioning my whims.
Davy Jones: Do you realize that nobody likes you?
Beckett: Sure they do. I just intimidate them.
Davy Jones: That must be it.
Beckett: Anyway, I need prisoners to interrogate, which tends to work best when they're alive.
Murtogg: Do you think he even knows what the word "interrogate" means?
Mullroy: I highly doubt it. Lord Beckett's vocabulary is, regrettably, minimal.
Murtogg: And quite strange.
Mullroy: Yes, quite.
Beckett: SHUT UP! I SO HEARD THAT!
Davy Jones: Maybe if you stopped hanging everyone, you would have some live prisoners to interrogate.
Beckett: I was talking about you. Your cannons keep blasting things away, and I want you to make them stop.
Davy Jones: I don't think so. I do what I want.
Beckett: No you don't! You do what I want, just like everyone else who wants to stay alive! Didn't I make it obvious when I ordered you to kill the evil fish?
Pause.
Davy Jones: What evil fish?
Groves: I think he means the kraken.
Beckett: I said that. The kraken.
Norrington: No you didn't.
Beckett: Shut up!
Davy Jones: Poor Clarence...!
Beckett: Oh, eew. The thing had a name?
Davy Jones: Don't make fun of Clarence.
Beckett: I do what I want. I'm in charge here, not you. Pointless things are pointless.
Pause.
Davy Jones: Come get me when you feel like making sense.
Davy Jones leaves. Beckett pouts. He is pouting because Jones made fun of him, Jones left, and also because he still doesn't know what "interrogate" means.
Below decks, the chest is set on a table and opened, and the EITC officers keep their rifles trained on the heart, as if it's going to jump out and attack them.
Heart: What, are you kidding me? I'm a disembodied heart. I'm not going to hurt you.
Several officers faint upon hearing the heart speak. The heart chuckles to itself and continues beating.
Hope you liked this! I felt like updating, just for fun. I have to go back to school tomorrow though... :( Anyway, reviews are appreciated!
