DO YOU GUYS LIKE THE NEW COVER IMAGE.
I USED MS PAINT.
IF YOU CAN'T SEE, IT SAYS 'I WILL COME FOR YOUR BUNS', 'I AM A MEAT BUN', 'YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT', 'I WILL RESCUE THE MEMBERS OF MY CLAN' and 'THIS IS BASICALLY MAIL TIME WITH ZHOU YU IN ONE PICTURE'. 'BY SOME IDIOT CALLED KAITHAU'. 'COMIC SANS BECAUSE I'M TERRIBLE'. "ART'.
SO YEAH.
And to answer your question, you know who you are, I am not going to be a major for a few years so-
So now you know that I'm a perverted little kid *cries*
Anyway. I love you guys. :3 Anyhoo, I seem to be updating pretty fast thanks to all your suppor Thank you to dantesdarkqueen (if you are bothered by slash and are still reading this then I an quite honoured :'D I'm actually well informed on the 3 Kingdoms era, having watched the 2010 drama, but the slash here is all for the lulz. I still ship Sun Ce and Zhou Yu though, no matter if it makes little sense or not *crawls into corner and cries* ), my lovely friend Missiletainn (you pervert you), the guests Kurai, Cali and HienFan and Mockingtale Bright especially, for sticking with me the whole time :'D
BY THE BY, TIME TO ADVERTISE GOOD FICS I'VE SEEN.
First of all, one of my favourite fanfics in the DW fandom, 'Secession' by Red River. It's a Zhou Yu x Sun Ce fic and I love it so freaking much that I'm writing a ZYSC fic of my own. But the thing is a literary masterpiece, please go read it! ; w ;
Next, by Mockingtale Bright (I wuv you), 'The Tale of Moon and Dragon', a Zhuge Liang x Huang Yueying fic. Gorgeous prose, and pfft, this is the only straight pairing I like in Dynasty Warriors. Go read it! It's definitely worth your time :)
And now, back to stupidity.
Dear Ce,
Is there any particular reason why I found Xiao Qiao passed out in the kitchen, and a few peppers arranged into the words 'Fuck this shit, I win this time, bitch'? Of course, I am not accusing you of anything, I am just curious to know if you have any information on this predicament.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Ce,
No, dear, mauling your opponent with a frying pan during a cooking contest is not considered good sportsmanship and I'm afraid that does not count as you winning, either.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
|| Attachment sent: One (1) box of fudgesicles, and four (4) Pony Playtime bandages. Zhou Yu, why. ||
Dear Xiao Qiao,
Excuse me for Lord Sun Ce's rash behaviour. Honey, are you alright? I have enclosed a few 'Pony Playtime' adhesives bandages for your usage, as well as a large box of chocolate fudgesicles. If you would like, you have my permission to throw some of those stray gerbils in Sun Ce's room as revenge.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Ce,
No, I am not aware of myself giving Xiao Qiao permission to release stray gerbils into your room. I am most sorry, I hope they did not destroy too much of your property. Perhaps you should hit her with a pan again.
Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Xiao Qiao,
He hit you with a pan again? Oh dear, that's terrible! You have permission to release all of your gerbils into his room at once after feeding them beans.
The ending result will be rather 'shit'acular.
I should be beheaded for that.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Ce,
I love you.
Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,
Firstly, where did you four get the idea that I'm some kinky sex god that crawled out of Dante's Inferno who can make men swoon at my feet and woman's ovaries explode by flicking my hair? I will do my best to... counsel you, but remember, I am no sex advisor.
And please, stop with the ridiculous nicknames. If any of you call me ' the sex god to end all sex gods', 'Oh Great Lord of the Kink', 'Sex God of Wu', 'Oh Handsome Adviser of Sex', or by the gods 'Great Ass-Claimer of the South' outside of these letters or even within any more letters, I will personally march over to your homes and stab you multiple times with my spear, no innuendo intended.
If you really are desperate enough, just go to a brothel, will you?
I will respond to each of you separately as some of these matters are private. And Lu Xun, why have you been meeting up with officers of other factions? I ought to punish you for this.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
|| Attachment sent: Two (2) crates of meat buns. I think the whole meat bun thing is becoming a gag in this series. ||
Dear Guan Xing,
Lady Xing Cai, yes...? Well, see, if you are close friends with her brother – Zhang Bao, correct? – and if she seems interested in your eldest brother... She probably is. Has she ever told you something along the lines of 'I love you, Guan Xing. You're like... a second brother to me.' If she has... My dear boy, I think you have just stepped off a cliff and into a ravine I like to call the friendzone.
But of course, it is still possible to win her heart! It will require a lot of training, a lot of money and many hours of your time. Though I would not recommend it, as if you do somehow end up with her, I'm sure both Guan Ping and Zhang Bao would take turns severing each of your limbs as they will find out eventually – oh yes, and you can say good bye to your wallet.
Excuse me for the lack of good advice on my part. I hope these meat buns can make up for it.
Good luck,
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
|| Attachment sent: 'Art of the Meat Bun: Sacred Crane, Tiger Lily Dancing Lotus Petal Forbidden Illusions no Jutsu' brochures. Who the hell names these? And who the hell starts a cult about meat buns? ||
Dear Sima Shi,
Greetings to you once more. I do hope that entire meat bun ordeal has been sorted out, yes? And I'm rather surprised to see that you still have your chastity. Take that as a compliment, as you are a strong, talented, handsome young man.
...And I am sorry to tell you that yes indeed, I do know of a few women like that in Wu, but they all happen to be taken. Now, it is difficult to find a woman who is beautiful, intelligent and also able to cook very good meat buns. You may want to consider lowering your standards ever-so-slightly.
I mean, finding someone who is able to cook meat buns is rather difficult – though the same cannot be said for intelligence and beauty. The only few people I know who can are Zhou Tai and Da Qiao, but one is married to Lord Sun Ce and the other thinks he IS a meat bun. Honestly, the art of the meat bun is something many have heard of and few have mastered.
Enclosed with this letter are a few brochures to 'Art of the Meat Bun: Sacred Crane, Tiger Lily Dancing Lotus Petal Forbidden Illusions no Jutsu', which appears to be some sort of meat bun cult. Perhaps you will be able to find someone of your liking there?
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Xiahou Ba,
I honestly do not think having an interest in older women is a problem at all. I mean, let us be honest here. Most of the young ones spend their days giggling and frolicking in miniskirts, yelling 'I win I win!' all day. I have... personal experiences with a woman like that. The older ones are usually much more mature and intelligent, so... do as you please.
I have seen you a few times in battle, and I can assure you that you are not ugly in the slightest. You have the prowess of a fierce tiger and the grace of a delicate swan. Though wearing a helmet is a good idea in battle, I do not think constantly keeping that bucket over your head during the day is going to do you any good. In fact, it makes you look like a twelve year old, prepubescent boy dressed in tin foil for Halloween.
Which of course, you are not. But you seem to be slightly vertically challenged, and if no one can see your face you look the part.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Lu Xun,
You're seventeen. You aren't old enough to be having sex. Really.
You see, you're... how do I put this, you're too cute. Not that that's a bad thing, as I find it rather endearing, but... Lu Xun, I think everybody in our camp, men and women alike, see you as a younger brother or a pyromaniac pet puppy, or both.
You are extremely capable on the battlefield of weapons and wits, and yes, I know your abs are -not as impressive as Ce's- rather impressive, but you look like a child and you technically are one.
Look, even I, as a grown man of twenty five, think you're cute. How are women not going to think of you the same way?
Wait until next year, alright? I send you imaginary pats on the head, some chocolate chip cookies, a glass of warm milk and a hug. One day you will grow out of your baby face, and on that day, I can assure you that women will flock to your feet. If not, you make seek my guidance.
But for now, remember, YOU ARE SEVENTEEN. Anybody who tries anything with you would be considered a PEDOPHILE. PEDOPHILES are FROWNED DOWN UPON by SOCIETY and are JAILED. When you are in jail, very bad things will happen to you.
THAT IS NOT FUN.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,
No, I will not demonstrate to you how to court a woman, as I have never courted a woman before. No, not even Xiao Qiao. She came to me of her own volition and clung to me like a lost puppy.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,
No. Stop.
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,
No means no. Stop writing to me before I invade each of your factions and take away Lu Xun's mail privileges.
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,
Size only matters if you think it does.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Cao Pi,
It is a pleasure receiving a letter from you, Prince, and I will assure that yes, I am... very well acquainted with this 'dirty, kinky, sex god' that you would like to meet. And let me drop you a warning in advance, this person you seek if very much male. I have heard from Lord Cao Cao that you are interested in only women, but then again, I think he only said that because he thought I was trying to hit on you. Moving on.
Now, you should also take note that he is not self-proclaimed, and has been given the title by a certain blonde pirate named Gan Ning, and his 'prowess of physical carnality' is not really 'rivaled only by his own erotic imagination'. In fact, he's a trifle shy when it comes to matters under the sheet.
Lastly, and most importantly, this man just so happens to be me.
I believe that this letter speaks for itself, but I would be delighted to meet you and have a cup of oolong tea while exchanging pleasantries. Unless, of course, you find me repulsive or have... other things in mind.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Ce,
I am sorry about the gerbil turds in your room. I can assure you, I had nothing to do with them.
Anyway... You know Cao Pi, the son of Cao Cao? I'm relatively certain that he wants to 'meet' me. This could actually provide useful for mending our relationships with Wei or gathering a little bit of information...
Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Ce,
No, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT run off to Wei on your own to kill him. No, I do not hate you – quite the contrary, actually – and if you are against it to the point you would drown yourself then I shall stay right here. Or perhaps simply go meet him to have a cup of oolong tea over friendly banter.
Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Ce,
No, I am not going to try hitting on him, kiss him, make out with him, have sex with him or steam meat buns with him. I will simply go to try and ease the tension between our two nations.
Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Ce,
If it will make you stop worrying, yes, I love you. You can come over tomorrow evening and do what you please. Just... make sure I will be able to walk properly the day after. Last time, I don't know what you did but I was bedridden for the following week.
Love, Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Lu Su,
I need help.
People think I'm some sort of sex advisor and everyone's either trying to get me in their bed or ask me how to get other people in their bed.
Lu Su, I need help.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Lu Su,
I don't understand what you mean when you say 'when one door closes, another opens for you to venture through'. I mean, or you could just open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Lu Su,
I'm a scholar, not a philosopher.
Therefore, I do not understand what you mean when you speak of the 'tears of the moon showering upon Buddha's earlobes'.
And what do you mean you saw a giant meat bun wandering around camp?
Zhou Yu
~X~X~X~X~X~
Zhou Tai...
HOW in the name of the heavens did you FIND ANOTHER ONE?
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT
~X~X~X~X~X~
Dear Sima Shi,
Prepare yourself. I suggest you ready 20 watchtowers around your camp, each with at least 50 scouts and tell them to light a fire if they see a round figure approaching. Keep your storehouse well guarded, and I will send you reinforcements of ten squadrons, all composed of heavy cavalry units.
The meat bun is out to get you, Sima Shi.
He's coming for your buns.
Zhou Yu
Oh gosh. I don't know what I'm writing anymore. xD
I think I should change the name of this fic to 'Meat Buns and Mailtime with Zhou Yu'.
I'm also going to be busy for the next week, so no updates until... next Sunday-ish. Sorry :'D Hope you'll still stick around, though~
I couldn't squish in the Gan Ning and firecrackers thing since my hand started cramping D: Sorry, Mockingtale! I'll figure something out for next chapter~
-Kaithau
