Chapter 4
Reflection

(Sorry for the delay, I had an emergency, enjoy!)
"Looking at the reflections of myself Without a mirror, I see someone else"
-"hear me" by Jeanie Ortega

Olivia stood there in the mirror for more then two hours. She stared at the scars on her body. All she wore was a black tank top and black pants. She stood there trying to understand why she looked at herself this way. She couldn't accept the fact it was herself.
"I'm talking, I'm pleading I need you to understand me" Olivia said to herself.
Brian woke up to the bathroom light on. He felt the weight of the bed to be lighter than he anticipated when he had gone to sleep. He got up slowly walking over to the edge of the bed. He noticed Olivia in the bathroom through the mirror that hung on the wall. Watching her stare at her reflection made his heart ache wondering what she could be thinking about.

-Olivia's POV-

Standing there in front of the mirror, it made her dizzy. Why am I always so weak when it comes to everything? Am I really this weak? Am I really this vulnerable. I noticed the pills I was prescribed. Oxycodone. Wonder if it would work for the mental pain. I grabbed the water and a pill. Drinking the water and swallowing the pill was all I could do until my legs gave out from underneath me. Black engulfed me.

Brian heard a thump and noticed Olivia was no longer standing in front of the mirror. He ran towards the door and saw Olivia lying on the ground, looking cold, sweaty and tired as hell.

"Olivia, babe, please wake up!" He said desperately as he shook her hand

Olivia's mind only went to auto mode, she was having a flashback, she felt the shaking, but her eyes could open, she tried talking, but only sputters of words came out. Suddenly, Olivia's eyes flashed open.

"Brian, I'm sorry, I just-." She said barely able to whisper
"What happened? Do we need to go the hospital?!"
"No, it's okay, I just was so tired and fainted I guess."
"Well alright, are you hurt in anyway?"
"No." Olivia replied quickly but the mental pain was still there

"Damn pill" she whispered
"What did you say?" Brian responded

"I'm alright, just help me up, I'll get some rest ." Olivia said as she reached her hand out

"Brian, I had a flashback..."

"What, is this how it started?" He said with a crack in his voice
His voice pleaded with her to tell him why.

"It was the shaking. I felt the shaking while someone touched me."

"Liv, that was me trying to wake you up, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, I just wish this shit would be over already!" She said as he pulled her up to his height, she was about 5,9 while Brian being 6,2.

She questioned why she was still with him while she had to cope with this. She was grateful that he was still here. Olivia walked to bed and feeling tipsy, she fell onto the bed. She drifted off to sleep.

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.
"UGGH! Liv, time to wake up." Brian said as he reached over her and slammed the alarm clock to its off button.

"Damn it, I have a session today." She said groggily.

"Shit, I have patrol today down in Times Square." Brian said

"How am I gonna get there..." Olivia said inside her head.

"It's okay, I'll find a way down there." Olivia said

"Alright, you sure?" Brian said softly

"Positive." Olivia said.

Brian left, and Liv sat alone eating breakfast. Orange juice and toast was all she could eat hoping it wouldn't turn her stomach. She picked up her cell phone and dialed Cragen.

"Cragen." answered by himself, he was surprised it was Liv.

"Liv! Nice to hear from you. Why ya calling?"

"Brian went to work, and I uh, have a session with Dr. Lindstrom. I was hoping that maybe-"

"Drive you? Course." He said with a happiness in his voice
"

Thank you." She said as she pressed the end button on the screen of her phone

Cragen pulled up in front of the apartment. Olivia would come out any moment.

-Olivia POV-
Walking down the stairs to meet Cragen is hell enough. Especially when I was seen last time in the one six. All I did was pull a sweatshirt over my shirt and walked out. I opened the door to the entrance of the apartment building and a blast of cold air hit me.

"Hey Don, I really appreciate the help." She said as she opened the door and closed it behind her.

Don is like a father to me, in fact I think he really is my father. No physically, but being there for me is just great. I should be able to trust him with anything.

"Don, maybe we can talk on the way down there." She said gently putting her hand on Don's.

"Sure thing Liv. I'm always here for you."

Cragen started the car up and went to an open lane. Liv started speaking when they hit a red light.

"I woke up in the middle of the night. I stood in the bathroom for a while and stared at myself wondering why I couldn't understand." Olivia said

"Understand?" Cragen said as he stared at her until he pushed the gas to go

"Understand why I'm like this. Afterwards I thought the mental pain could go away if I took some oxycodone. I took a pill, and my legs gave out underneath me." She said with a break in her voice

"Did you take an extra on accident possibly?"

"No. I guess I was just so tired and I couldn't stand anymore. Brian had to held me up and I went back to bed. I told him I had a flashback when he started shaking my hand to wake me up."

"Liv, I'm glad your able to talk about this. Being able to talk about this-"

"-Can help you heal, yeah, I've heard it before." Olivia said slightly smirking

"Alright, just making sure. Glad to see you. I'll wait right here until your session is over and I can drive you back." He said reassuringly

"Alright. Thank you." She said

Olivia walked up to the session room and sat down. She held her left wrist as Dr. Lindstrom asked her "How are you?"

"Been better. I had a breakdown at work, got sent home for a couple a days, and last night I fainted from stress."

"What triggered the break down at work?"

"I woke up in nightmare and I ran to the bathroom and just broke down crying and puking."

"What was that nightmare about?"

"Lewis. He was cutting my shirt off and my pants until I woke up."

"How did you wake up?"

"Nick, my partner was shaking me but Fin told him to stop because it made it worse, and I woke up, rand out and went to the bathroom. Then I was picked up by Brian."

"After that, when you went home, did you get some sleep?" Dr. Lindstrom asked

"Tried to you could say." Olivia said slightly smirking with tears in her eyes

" When you woke up, what happened?"

"I went to the bathroom and stared at my self in the mirror, wondering why I couldn't understand myself anymore. I took a pill for pain, hoping it would stop my mental pain. I passed out and Brian shook me and I woke up, then I went back to sleep."

"What happened when he shook you?"

"A flashback."

"Did you talk to him about it?"

"Actually, yes, and with my captain, Don. He drove me over here since Brian couldn't."

"Olivia, your doing good so far. Your being able to tell yourself, me, and your friends about your experiences. That's a step up from where you were last time."
"

Thank you. See you next week."

Olivia walked out of the door and into Cragen's car.

"You know what Don, I think this is actually working. I'm starting to find myself in my new reflection. It's helping. All I need to do is to relax and focus on recovering."

"Liv, I know it will be hard, but being able to say that just makes you stronger each time. Your doing good Liv. Doing good."