To take the pain away
Felicity was lying in her bed completely numb. Unable to blink. Unable to think. Unable to feel.
She was staring at the ceiling feeling ashamed, dirty and used because she didn't know what to do anymore. No matter how many times she tried to wash the feeling of Daniel's dirty hands on her skin, under the hot shower, it never disappeared. No matter how many pills she took that night, the panic attacks and the nightmares did not end.
She was paralyzed. She was so lost that she had no idea how dead she felt inside. The ache in her heart was the only indicator showing that she was still a human, a human with feelings. Nobody knew what was happening in her little destroyed world. She was bleeding, screaming, drowning, burning with pain but no one could hear her and save her from that miserable life. Felicity was living in silence, while her mind and heart were leading a riot and she had no idea which was going to win the battle at the end.
Tonight, she realized that she meant nothing to the world. Nothing, to her father. Nothing, to the mob. Nothing, to Oliver Queen.
She hated herself. She hated the way she was feeling. She hated the pain. She hated the loneliness. She hated the persona they created instead of her. She hated Felicity Meghan Smoak.
She was a puppet - in her father's hands. She was a pretty face - in the mob's world. She was a toy in Oliver Queen's dirty head. She was off limits in her future husband's orders. Everyone owned her by something. Everyone was taking something from her every single day. Everyone, except Felicity.
She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't live like that. Not anymore.
She was a walking ghost in this house, searching for its peace, trying to be realized and be finally happy. But her attempts were always in vain because she was going to be trapped here to rest of her days.
Felicity wanted to forget about that night, about how humiliated she felt, about the whole pain in her body, about how alone she was and the most important thing – Oliver Queen's face.
She hated him. She couldn't believe that he tried to save her from her father's claws and then he just let her go. She was absolutely insane to trust him and actually feel comfortable in his embrace, in front of her father's eyes and who knew who else. She was completely insane to dare to watch him in the eyes, in Cinema and actually to be thrilled by him. She had no idea what was going on in her head because he managed to create a mess there. And yet, she couldn't deny that there was something different in him, compared to the men she had the chance to see during her life. He was radiating something unknown to Felicity and still, she wanted to know what was it. He was confident, too calm for her senses but she had that strange feeling inside, telling her to be careful. There was something in him. Felicity didn't know what was it, but she wanted to find more about it.
She couldn't trust Oliver Queen, she couldn't trust no one in this world. Felicity was wrong about him – he wasn't a night vision. He was a traitor. A monster, pretending to be a savior. He was just like them. He was a filthy mobster who wanted to have Daniel Smoak's ''precious'' Princess and that was it. Yes, he may have that predatory blue eyes which could charm every second woman in this city, but Felicity wasn't going to fell into his spell. No, she was going to stay as far as possible from him because every monster does monstrous things. And he was the monster who betrayed her, giving her back to her father. Felicity swore that sooner or later, Oliver Queen will pay the price for his actions tonight. And she was going to walk from this war like a winner.
Felicity opened the night stand near her bed and took the little bottle with the pills. She knew that she was going to need more of them to survive the rest of the night. She already managed to calm down after two waves of panic attacks but a new one was coming very soon.
Her head was killing her since she got home, so she made a mental note to search for painkillers as well but she couldn't find them. Felicity slowly got up from her bed because her body was very sore and it was still fighting from the consequences in Cinema. Her bare feet touched the cold floor and she shivered.
It was strange for a person to get cold during the summer but Felicity was used to it since she was a kid, caused by some dark memories with her father. Only the thought of Daniel, made her to tremble even more.
No. She shook her head. She was not going to think about him or anyone else. Not tonight. Tonight she was going to think only about herself and how to stay sane after everything. She put her arms around herself, hugging herself, shielding herself from this house and slowly approached the bathroom.
Felicity knew that she always kept painkillers there just in case if something happened, so she was sure that everything was going to be okay. She reached for the little cabinet in front of her and opened it but she was met with only empty orange bottles. She needed them, because these pills were literally keeping her alive. Felicity was absolutely sure that the whole house was full with painkillers but she never dared to take some of them. Her father always said that they are only for his men and they can take them, when they are hurt but Felicity – never.
She closed the cabinet and the moment she did it, she felt so sorry for that decision. Felicity felt sick. She had no idea who was that woman in the mirror's reflection. She couldn't recognize herself anymore. This wasn't her. She had never looked that terrible in her life. Her face was as white as a sheet. A deep dark circles were adorned her ocean blue eyes. Her lips looked so puffy and red from the amount of times she bit them, to stop the pain from the attacks. Her arms were bruised and every little move caused her to flinch and to remind her of what monster her father was. Felicity could see the deep blue traces of his hands on her silky skin. She wanted to scream, to break, to cry, but she was left with nothing. Only the silence was shushing what she was feeling inside.
Only the silence …
She was trembling so bad like her world which was falling apart in front of her eyes. There was no Felicity Smoak. There were only ruins left of her persona. Only little pieces of her existence which reminded her of only pain and nothing more.
Felicity put her hands on the edges of the sink and remove her gaze from the mirror. She was disgusted by herself and what she was seeing in the reflection. She was losing her mind. She couldn't even control her own body. That's how bad she was. She couldn't command her own freaking body for God's sake. And whose was this fault? Her father. This awful, despicable man who was daring to call himself a father. He was nothing than a coward, dressed in expensive suits and wearing proudly that disgusting scar around his neck.
Felicity shut her eyes because the thought of Daniel made her even sicker. Her hands were shaking so bad. She was sure that very soon, she will find herself on the floor because that panic attack was consuming every fiber from her weak body. The anxiety was taking her last strength and Felicity prayed for this to be already over. Her breathing became more erratic. She was suffocating. Her heart was beating faster and faster and faster and she was absolutely sure that soon it was going to explode from her chest. She almost couldn't see properly anymore because her vision was so blurry from the unleashed tears in her eyes. This was Felicity Smoak. This was The Felicity Smoak that the world has no idea that existed. That was their Princess – one big nothing.
She freed her hands and covered her ears, trying to take the pain from her head, trying to shush her surroundings because everything around her hurt. The voices in her head kept talking and talking and talking. They were telling her how bad person she was to not obey to his father's demands, how awful mob daughter she was, that she was the reason why her mother was dead and she had to be the one who was buried under the ground, instead of Donna.
''Stop it!'' Felicity yelled. The pain in her head was unbearable. The voices became lauder and more demanding.
''Take the pain away, Felicity.'' The voices kept repeating and repeating it in her head. ''Take the pain away, Felicity.''
''I said, stop it!'' Felicity fell on her knees, drowning in her own miserable hell. She couldn't take this anymore. Her chest felt so heavy, that she was coughing. The need for air, the need to breathe were stronger. Felicity didn't have the power to crawl back to her bedroom and reach for her pills. She just wanted to take the pain away.
''Take the pain away, Felicity.''
She felt hot. Too hot. Her skin was itching and becoming warmer. Felicity grabbed her T-shirt and tried to take it off but she couldn't. Little droplets of sweat covered her pale face, making her feel even more terrible.
''I have to take the pain away.'' Felicity whispered, trying to convince herself. ''I have to take the pain away.'' She kept repeating it like a mantra.
Her gaze fell on the razor. And that was it.
Felicity couldn't remember the last time she dared to use it. But all she remembered was it was taking every pain, every broken promise, every ugly word, away. And that was exactly what she wanted right now. To stop that feeling. She needed an anchor and her only anchor during those years wasn't her mother or the memory of her red, red lips, it was the razor. That was the only thing which was keeping her sane and still alive. It was her end and her beginning. It was her worst nightmare and her savior during her darkest times.
She never dared to move her eyes. Hell, she didn't try to blink. Her blank expression was focused only on that little item which was going to help her. To save her.
''I have to take the pain.'' She mumbled and started to shake more and more with every minute.
Felicity knew that sooner or later she was going to pass out of the whole adrenaline but till she was still awake, she swore that she was going to fight.
She took the razor and kept staring at it. Her hands were shaking so bad, that she almost dropped it on the floor.
Felicity clenched her right hand into a fist, like her life depended on that silver metal. A thin crimson line traced her silky skin and kept tingling her senses with the best feeling in the world.
She closed her eyes and leaned her head on the wall.
The blood kept falling.
Little drops were adorning the floor, painting everything in red.
''… to take the pain away'' Felicity whispered and reached her left arm.
The razor touched her skin.
''I have …''
She looked at the ceiling, while the tears were failing like a waterfall.
'' … to take.''
Her skin started to sting.
'' … the pain.''
She traced the razor on her wrist.
A bloody line appeared near the old scars she was keeping away from the mob.
'' … away.''
Felicity hit her head in the wall and threw the metal thing on the floor.
Her pulse started to normalize. The need for air wasn't a necessity anymore. The heavy feeling in her chest stared to disappear. And Felicity felt a human again.
She didn't even dare to look at the mess she created. She didn't try to think about the pain in her hands. She got up from the floor and entered her room.
Felicity was greeted with silence and complete dark. She had to get out of here. She needed to breathe. She needed to go out and clean her mind.
Felicity went to her night stand and took the bracelets she kept there and put them where they always belonged – to cover the traces of her fallouts. The blood on her right hand kept falling and falling on the wooden floor but she didn't care. She had to get out of this mansion and that was exactly what she was going to do.
She grabbed the first sweatshirt from her closet, put the bottle with pills in her pocket and got out of the room.
In the corridor, Felicity could only see darkness. It was too quiet and the air was filled with so much tension and rage. Felicity shivered again because she hated to walk alone in this house, especially in that part of the night. She wouldn't deny that she was scared. Everything reminded her of that particular night when her father killed that man in front of her eyes and all walls were painted in red. A flashback brought her to that day. She still could feel the warm blood on her hands. She still could remember the way, Daniel made her kneel and clean everything. She still could remember the man's lifeless eyes, starring at her, begging her, waiting for something. Today, she finally realized what he was pleading for. The man wanted to be freed. He wanted to find peace away from this cruel world and the moment the cold blade touched his skin, he knew that he was free from the burdens he used to carry during his years of work for the Irish mob.
Yeah, Felicity finally knew, what that man wanted and it was the same she wanted for herself – freedom.
A freedom, which she was never going to have. Her mind and body were trapped inside this mansion and those walls were her blank expression. That was her reality. It was lonely, yeah it was lonely inside this mansion …
Felicity slowly went downstairs, keeping quiet as much as possible because even a little crack was going to make the whole house insane.
Felicity looked around to make sure that there was no one to be found and headed to the kitchen. She knew that her father wasn't here tonight. Felicity could bet that he was spending his time with his new mistress and that's why most of the guards were out. To keep the Godfather save, while he was fucking the new bitch of the week.
For the first time, Felicity was glad that he was not here. Actually she was thankful because she was going to escape easily just like in the old times.
She approached the kitchen and turned around again. She was too scared. She was praying that no one heard her and followed her here. But so far everything was quiet. It was too quiet. Felicity knew that something bad was coming.
She hugged herself, trying to shield herself from everything and everyone. She was one versus all. One versus the mafia. Felicity had to get out as soon as possible before it was too late. To breathe.
Her hand touched the door knob and a little click filled the dead silence in the whole house. That was it. That was the signal to wake up the whole house. That was the sign, showing that something was wrong. That someone was doing something against the mob's codecs. Felicity already knew that they were coming for her. The doors started to open. Steps were coming from upstairs. She could hear orders from everywhere. The guns were already loaded, waiting to be used. They were coming.
It was now or never. It was the perfect moment for Felicity to escape from the guards. She took a deep breath and opened the door. She was greeted by the summer wind and the fresh smell of the grass. That was the life. That was the feeling to be free.
Outside was her freedom and inside was her prison. She had to make the choice now. She could stay inside, saying a lame lie to Stefan and going back to her dark, bloody room where she managed to create her own little world. Or she could go outside, being normal for couple of hours, where nobody knew who she was and what she was doing.
''Who is there?'' Dumber One's voice echoed somewhere in the distance.
Stefan startled Felicity and her wild heart was going to explode in her chest. She had two options. To stay here or to leave.
''Whoever you are, you are going to die.'' Randy yelled. She knew that he was near the kitchen because his room was on the first floor and he was going to be here soon.
There was no choice to make. Felicity knew what she wanted.
This time, she didn't turn her head. Her whole attention was focused on her surroundings outside. To her freedom. Felicity didn't think twice. She stepped closer and closed the door behind her.
A little smile adorned Felicity's face.
And she disappeared in the night …
Felicity had no idea how long she kept walking on the dusty road. Her steps were echoing and then disappearing into the night. The warm summer breeze kept touching her pale cheeks, making her feel free like the wind. The sound of the ocean was coming somewhere in the distance and the seagulls kept singing their predatory song, waiting to catch their next prey. That was Starling City during the night – it was calm and yet - unpredictable. You never knew what to expect because everything could happen.
Felicity was born here, but she never dared to call this city her home because she didn't feel it like a place where she was feeling protected and cherished. No, it was the complete opposite. Here she was scared for her life. Here she was alone with no friends, with no love, with no family, all by herself. She was а soldier on her own. Every normal person could say that Starling City was a place where you can succeed, where you can become whatever you want and live your dreams, but actually nobody knew what the reality was.
This city was a corrupt and cruel place. It was taking your life, it was consuming you, making you want more and more, making you greedy for power and then everything you think you have, was disappearing in front of your eyes, leaving you miserable and unhappy.
Starling was ruining everyone's life. Once, you cross the sign 'Welcome to Starling City', there is no turning back. No one leaves this city. No one leaves it happy. No one leaves it alive. You carry the burden of your failures on your shoulders and keep quiet till you can't take it anymore and give up everything. This city will eat you alive if you even try to open your mouth and say the wrong words.
This wasn't Felicity's home. This was her battlefield.
Couple of cars passed by her, making her shiver because she was scared. Every time she was hearing the sound of the engine behind her, she was sure that her father's men were here and they were going to bring her back in that asylum called a house. Felicity was sure that Stefan and Randy had already found out that The Princess was nowhere to be found. Of course Daniel Smoak already knew that her precious treasure was missing and she could bet that he was furious. Felicity didn't even want to think what he was going to do to her the moment she stepped inside the mansion.
She knew that she didn't have much time. She knew that her freedom will last couple of hours and then she will have to accept the consequences of her bad choices. But damn, Felicity knew that those couple of hours were the most precious time of her life. She was finally breathing and the ache in her heart was more bearable than ever. She was sick of the lack of love, she was sick of the lack of touch, she was sick of the lack of freedom.
No matter how much Felicity was trying, she knew that she was never going to be a normal girl with extraordinary dreams. No matter how many times she was trying to show her perfect face in front of the elite of Starling every single night, she was always going to be the broken doll, her father created with his bare handс.
Right now, at this very moment she didn't have to wear those fancy dresses, to talk polite, to put her fake smiles and to pretend to be someone who she wasn't. No, that was another woman. That was their beloved Princess. That was the girl who they turned into something she couldn't recognize in the mirror. Felicity hated that girl. She despised that pretty façade which wasn't her.
Yeah, tonight was the night when she didn't have to laugh to Mr. Jonson's stupid jokes about money, she didn't have to talk about weddings with Miss Perry and she definitely didn't have to look at her father's predatory face. Tonight, she was just Felicity, the girl from the big city, who wanted to go for a walk outside and enjoy the perfect summer night.
Felicity was so lost in her thoughts, that she never noticed the blue car which stopped a few steps away from her. She never heard the sound of the opening doors. She never heard the unknown steps. She never felt someone else's presence behind her. A man's presence.
Two strong rough hands grabbed her from behind and Felicity lost it. No, no, no they had found her. They had found her and they were going to kill her this time. Her father wasn't going to spare her life this time. He was going to torture her till she was begging for her death and kill her, like he was doing it with the traitors in the mob.
The grip around her arms were so tight that Felicity cried in pain. The places where the man was holding her were the same places where her father left her with bruises that night and they hurt like hell. If she was suffering now, she knew that later in the dark basement, they were going to do very bad things with her.
Felicity could feel his lips on her neck. His hot breath was touching her silky skin, making her shiver. She felt sick. Her insides were starting a riot. Felicity was disgusted and wanted to vomit.
She tried to fight and set free from the man's hands but instead, the grip tightened even more. Felicity knew that there was no escape from his claws. There was no one who was going to help her and she was sure as hell that this was only the beginning. She had no idea what the man's dirty thoughts were but she knew that he wasn't the good guy in this story. He was on a hunt in the middle of the night looking for fresh blood. He was the predator and she was the prey.
Felicity tried to push him away but instead, her back hit the man's hard front and she froze. Yes, he was stronger than her. Yes, he was taller than her. Yes, he was going to take advantage of her. But Felicity wasn't going to give up without a fight.
''Why a pretty girl like you, is all alone in the middle of the night?'' the man whispered in her ear, making her sicker.
Felicity's heart was racing and the blood in her veins was pumping. She was sure that this was one of her father's man but the reality hit her hard. This wasn't Randy or Stefan's voice. This was a voice of a complete stranger who was going to hurt her and no one was going to know about it.
''Let me go!'' Felicity yelled.
She pushed hard but the man didn't even flinch. His right hand started to slip down. Felicity's chest clenched because she knew what was going next. The stranger's hand traveled around her waist, holding her closer to him.
''And why I should do that, princess?'' his lips touched her neck, breathing her, feeling her in his arms. The animal in him was cheering because he had caught his prey and tonight he was going to celebrate with it.
''Because you are messing with the wrong woman.'' Felicity answered with cold voice. Her breathing became erratically. She knew that the next wave of panic attacks was close. But she had to bury this feeling deep down inside because right now she needed to feel powerful more than ever. She didn't have to show her weak self. She had to put that façade she created in front of the society and show the man that she was stronger.
Felicity was in the middle of the battlefield and she was going to fight.
The man opened his month again and instead of saying something he started to laughing. He surprised her and caught her of guard. The sound of his laugh reminded her so much of her father's one and she wanted to hit the stranger in the face.
No matter where Felicity was and with whom she was, every sound, every move, every face expression, every touch was going to remind her of Daniel Smoak.
''Tsk, tsk, tsk. Princess, I know exactly with whom I am messing around. You are a little girl who had lost in the middle of the night and who seeks someone to help her to find the right way back.'' The man's nose touched her cheek, inhaling her sent. Like the animal was smelling its prey. ''And it happened that I'm the one who is going to show you the right way and you are going to like it, princess.'' He mumbled causing Felicity to tremble in his rough hands.
''Let me go, you bastard!'' Felicity cried. ''Don't you dare touch me with those dirty hands! Let me go!'' Felicity hit him harder and the grip around her finally wasn't that tight as it was before. This was her chance to escape. She stepped on his right foot hard and the man cried in pain. He lost the hold over her and Felicity run for her life.
She didn't turn back. But she could hear his heavy steps behind her. The man was coming for her and he was fast. No matter how much pain Felicity caused him, he was still faster than her and he was going to catch her soon. Just like the predator was hunting its prey in the middle of the night. Just like the animal was loving the thrill of the rush.
Felicity's blood was rushing in her veins. Hundreds of emotions were dancing in her head. She was angry, scared, furious, numb and helpless because he was going to catch her.
''Come on princess, come back to me! You know, you can't escape from me!'' she heard his voice in the distance. With each step he was coming closer and closer and Felicity couldn't find the urge to escape. She was feeling weaker, her whole body was aching in pain and her lungs were burning. Why all the bad things were happening to her? Why she couldn't have just one damn night away from the troubles?
Felicity was running slower and slower and the stranger's steps were coming nearer and nearer.
She couldn't breathe anymore. Felicity shut her eyes for a moment to calm her heart and to stay sane because right now she needed her all powers to stay away from the man as much as she could. Her legs couldn't hold her anymore. Her body was giving up on her. For the first time since she was out of the mansion she finally felt the sharp pain in her right hand caused by the razor. Everything was hitting her so hard that she couldn't handle the feeling anymore. Felicity knew that she was not going to escape. She knew that this animal was going to catch her and everything will be over. No matter how much she tried to stop the tears, they fell down with a huge force. She was burning with anger because she was breaking her promise to fight for her life. She was furious because she couldn't protect better herself and now she was going to suffer.
A rough hand pulled Felicity back and she almost fell on the ground.
''No!'' she yelled. ''No!''
''Don't you dare run away from me bitch! You can't run away from me! Do you understand? You, can't away from me!'' the man shouted in her face.
''No, no, no, no'' Felicity was repeating it like a mantra. She pulled her arm, trying to free herself but instead she hit the man's chest. He was stronger and faster than her, just like the predator was better physically than it prey. Felicity was a caged animal who needed to escape from its cell. The sinister laugh of the stranger was echoing in her head, making her sick. She wished she didn't leave the stupid mansion. She wished she choose to stay in her cold room, living with her pain than being here in the middle of the night into this monster's claws.
He started kissing her on her neck again, holding her in place. Felicity started to push away but the man didn't even move. She yelled but no one could hear her in the middle of the road.
''Let me go!'' Felicity shouted but the man roughly kept kissing her on her neck.
She felt lost. No one was going to help her. She was all alone, just like she was all alone during her whole life.
The man's hands were tracing her whole body. She was feeling helpless because she couldn't do anything to stop him. She could watch and pray silently everything to be a bad dream from which she was going to wake up soon. She wished …
But everything was real – his rough kisses on her neck, his hands covering her small body, his erratic breathing on her skin and his sinister thoughts in his sick head.
''You are mine sweetheart, all night.'' He whispered in her ear and then kept tracing wet kisses on her cheeks.
Felicity was disgusted. She wanted to take his filthy hands away from her. His touches were toxic. He was toxic. Everything about that person was toxic. He was a hunter who completely finished his mission. And that mission was Felicity.
''No! I said let me go! Stop it!'' she tried to fight again and again and again but she was caged in the dark.
''Mine.''
''No!'' his face was few inches away from her. He was going to kiss her. He was going to steal her first kiss, not on her terms, on his freaking terms. ''Let me –''
Felicity couldn't have the chance to finish her sentence because a loud shot from a gun echoed in the distance and startled the hell out of her. If she was scared, now she was terrified for her life. She froze on her tracks. She couldn't move anymore. She didn't care about the man who was holding her because she was not alone anymore. There was someone somewhere in the middle of the night, on the same dusty road, who was holding a gun and watching the scene which Felicity and the stranger were playing.
Out of nowhere the panic attack hit her senses and the need to breathe became a necessity again but this time, she didn't have the razor in her hands, the man who was holding her was preventing her every move and she couldn't reach the pocket of her sweatshirt to pull the bottle with pills out. She was trapped in her own miserable hell. Her legs couldn't hold her anymore. Her hands were shaking. Her lungs were burning. Her heart was racing. Her blood was boiling. Her vision was blurry.
''To take the pain away, to take the pain away, to take the pain away.'' Felicity kept whispering the same sentence over and over again because the voices were coming back. She managed to keep them away for a while but they were coming back and they were furious at her because she couldn't take the pain away.
Felicity was so concentrate in her own little world that she didn't even felt how the man's lifeless body was slowly falling on the cold ground in front of her watery eyes. She didn't notice that he wasn't kissing her neck anymore or touching her waist, or whispering in her ear, or making her shiver with every little move. No, she didn't.
Her small trembling hands were covered with deep red blood which Felicity couldn't see in the dark and sooner or later it was going to bring old memories back to life. She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. She was aching. She was suffocating. Everything looked too surreal for her.
Felicity's body finally gave up on her and she fell on the ground screaming on the top of her lungs from the pain in her heart because no one was loving her or carrying for her. She was sick of the lack of love in her life and sick of the way everyone was using her. She was a static screen which no one could see, she was a white noise which no one could hear, she was ghost walking among the alive people. She screamed again and again and again because she was agonizing from her life. She wanted to die so bad, she wanted to be free just like the wind which was touching her skin, she wanted to find peace and be happy. She wanted …
Two strong arms caught Felicity's weak body and she thought that the hell was repeating again and the strange man will finish what he started.
''No, no, no.'' she whispered, shaking her head and trying to get away from the man's touch.
The panic attack was one of the worst Felicity had ever had. Her insides were burning. Her skin was itching, burning and making her blood boiling like the water. She put her hand on her chest because she couldn't breathe from pain. She needed her pills but she couldn't reach them. She needed her razor but she didn't take it with her. She needed an anchor but she had nothing. Only the cold gravel under her hands was reminding her that there was something she could hold on and not let go.
''To take the pain away, to take the pain away, to take the pain away.'' She kept repeating again and again. The voices in her head were the only ones which were understanding her and talking to her.
The two strong hands pulled her closer and closer and closer till she hit a very hard chest.
''Don't touch me. Let me go!'' Felicity started to fight but she was powerless, the panic attack was consuming her energy for life.
''It's over, everything is over. He won't touch you ever again.'' The man whispered in her hair, holding her closer, shielding her from the dead body.
''No, let me go, you will hurt me just like he did, just like everyone do in my life.'' Felicity pulled away from her savior. ''Please, don't touch me.'' She was pleading but the man never let go, instead he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in his lap.
''Just listen to my heartbeat. Listen to my heartbeat, птичка.''
''I … I … can't … breathe … I-''
His warm hand touched her cheek and the grip he had over Felicity's body tightened.
''I … I … I have to take the pain away.'' Felicity said. ''Yes, I have to take the pain away.'' The voices kept repeating. She was always doing what the voices in her head was telling her to do. She always followed their rules because they were the only one who were understanding her.
''You don't have to take the pain away.'' The man said calmly, making her stop reaping her mantra. In that moment everything changed. They disappeared. The voices just disappeared and that scared her the most because no one has ever had such a big influence in her life even for couple of minutes. No one ever dared to tell her that sentence in the eyes. No one, except this man. Everyone was telling her how useless she was, how stupid she was, that she worth nothing, that it would be better if she was dead instead of her mother, everyone, until this very moment. Until this man said those words.
Felicity stopped fighting. She didn't try to run away from her savior's embrace because for the first time in her life someone actually was caring about what she was feeling. And this was new for her but damn it warmed her inside, in spite of everything.
''Breathe with me, breathe with me.'' He was pleading. ''Just stay with me. Don't take the pain away.''
Felicity could hear the man's heart. The sound was so calming, so pure, so perfect. It was the sweetest sound. She had never heard a better sound like his beating heart. It was music for her ears.
''In and out. Yeah, just like that. In and out.'' He kept repeating, rocking her back and forth like a child. ''Everything will be alright, птичка.''
Felicity eventually started to calm down. She didn't realize the moment when she wrapped her arms around the man's torso, holding him for the dear life, but all she knew was that he managed to anchor her. He managed to take the voices away. He saved her from the bad man and she was owning him her life. He didn't let go, just like everyone did in her life. He just stayed here, shielding her with his arms away from the cruel world and it felt so good.
She slowly removed her head because she wanted to see the face of the man who saved her tonight. She wanted to put a face on the person who managed to stop her panic attack. She wanted, no she needed to look him in the eyes and thank him for everything he did for her. He wasn't just her savior, he was her guardian angel.
Felicity put her chin on his chest and her eyes met his. She froze. This couldn't happen to her. This was some kind of a joke. This wasn't real. This wasn't freaking fair. Felicity didn't know what to think or to do. The destiny was playing this cruel game for the second time tonight.
Yet, she couldn't take her eyes from him because there was something in those eyes. She couldn't move because there was something calming to be in his arms. She couldn't blink because she was sure that he will disappear. She was hypnotized by his spell.
She hated him. She despised him. She couldn't stand him. She didn't want to think about him after Cinema and yet, she couldn't move away from him.
One single word escaped her lips. One word, which made her heart skip a beat. One word.
''Oliver.''
птичка - bird
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