Wary green eyes peeked over the table as he desperately tried to stay awake. He knew they were talking about him. He knew Mikey had heard what he said. Now they would all know about.. no. They would believe he was insane, they would lock him away. This is not what he wanted. All he truly wanted was to be happy, which he knew wasn't even possible. They had told him that every day. And it didn't take the inner demons of his mind to make him believe that.
He faced a mirror now, in the bathroom, and shook. Look at you! his eyes seemed to laugh. Take all that stuff off and let me see you Raphael. Take that mask off. Those knee pads. Let me see. His hands obeyed, and he avoided his reflection as he slipped off the kneepads, one..two.. and his elbow pads, the wrappings around his hands, and his mask. Slowly, he had taken off everything that protected him from suspicion all these years. They all didn't know.. except for the mask, but Raph never looked underneath, until now.
With shaky breaths, he looked at himself, the large scar running between his eyes and ending right above his cheek from a childhood "accident" laughing at him. He avoided looking, and bent down to look at his knees. The bad one that always "cramped up" when he was a tween. He ran his fingers over it. Sometimes, it would still hurt so horribly, cramping up, twisting, feeling as if it were going to snap off, that he'd have to scream into his pillow to avoid the rest of the family hearing.
Under his elbows, there were only small cuts, scratches.. but they always hurt. Maybe that's why he punched so hard. So he could try to distract the pain.
He closed his eyes...
He could feel the sharp fingers of his own father digging into the back of his neck.
"Raphael, what have you done?!" He heard the yell and shivered.
"It wasn't me, Sensei, I swear it!" he mouthed the words with his younger self. He remembered looking down in horror at his little brothers. They both had scratches on their legs and cheeks that looked like they could've been from a sai. But Raph knew. He didn't- he would never have hurt his little brothers. But Sensei didn't believe it...
"WHY did you do that to your brothers?!"
"Do what! Sensei, I didn't do anything!" Tears ran down his cheeks. He was only eight years old. Too young to understand what had been going on...
He felt a sting on his cheek. He had been hit by his father for the first time in his life. Raph felt his cheek now. Normal. As children, Splinter did not ever get physical with them. His words could be punishments, but he never hit them. "Except that time..."
Raph held his face, crying. "Daddy, I swear, I didn't hurt Mikey or Donnie!"
"Raphael, your sai is on the floor, covered in blood. G-go to your room..." Splinter was even shaken. He had never wanted to hit him, but seeing the mess.. he'd just lost it.
Raph sat on the sink, shaking horribly.
He ran through the dark sewers, sniffling, lost.. he decided he couldn't go home. His demons chased him, laughing and encouraging him to go on. "You're free now, Raphael!"
But he stopped at a very very dark tunnel he could not see down. He backed up and started running because there were many demons in there, like the ones that lived in him...
He must've tripped over something, because next thing he knew he landed and must've hit something sharp on the way down...
Whether it was his sai or a hand, or a knife... it left a very deep gash in his face. The child sat up, crying as the blood trickled into his eyes. He couldn't see anymore and screamed for his father. "Daddy!"
The darkness surrounded him, and he took shaking breaths. "Please... no... I want to be left alone.. that was the past.. I didn't hurt my brothers.. I didn't get cut by them.. it was all.."
He looked up at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were wet, and he ran his hands over the scar that never went away. A constant reminder of something he did.. unless it was concealed. So he always kept his mask on.
He felt like it might be able to keep the darkness inside of him.. inside. And never escape.
But looking at it now, his hands shook uncontrollably as he realized how freakish he looked. What an odd, hideous looking turtle he was! Ha! Who could ever love you, Raphael.. he thought.
He shed a few angry tears, scratching at the scabs.. the scars, everything that these things had done to him. He bowed his head on the sink in defeat of himself and cried.
"R..Raphie?" Mikey's quiet voice asked. He stood at the door. Why was he like this? Where was his mask?
Raph looked up, his eyes red, worn out and just about tired of fighting imaginary things.
Mikey walked up to him slowly and wrapped his arms around him. "It's okay.." He said softly, though he did not know what Raph was upset about. Raph sniffled and let himself be held.
Mikey ran his finger over the scar. "I bet Donnie can get something for that." He tied his mask back on and smiled, then hugged him again. "I won't tell anybody, I promise."
