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Following the American Bigfoot

The fourth week came and so did the next episode of Ken's web series. He had done the Yeti in the previous episode. Now he asked a question at the beginning of this one.

"Has America its own edition of the Abominable Snowman?" It was the moment he asked that question, that everyone knew the subject. "Inquire any of the thirteen adolescent children who were available during individual darks in Oregon, and you'll get thirteen clamorous bawls of 'Yes!' Divers scientist, on the other hand, flatly say 'No.' Others are but acutely cynical. A few are at least willing to assess the conception. But the assembly of adolescents in Oregon think they know for assured. They beheld it. They chased it. One opines he shot it twice with a twelve-breadth shotgun. Three opine it chased them! The track record of the baffling animal is far more complete on the American continent than in Asia. Accounts of the Sasquatch, or Oh-mah'ah, or Omah, or Omno, have been part of American Indian folklore for centuries. And ever since 1811, when an American adventurer first announced having found Brobdingnagian, human-like spoor, the animal now most customarily denominated Bigfoot has been leaving hundreds of spoor, infrequent bumpy 'berths' of green or arms, an abhorrent miasma and frightened burghers in its wake. In the nineteenth century, broadsheet chronicles of 'Wild Hairy Men' turned up from Arkansas to California, where Gold Rush sourdoughs supposedly had myriad meetings with big, man-like animals, or, contrarily, beast-like individuals. Today, although accounts come from as far afield as Montana, Idaho, Missouri, Illinois, West Virginia, Michigan, Nebraska and Texas, most Bigfoot sightings are in the bumpy Pacific Northwest, in alpine Northern California, Washington, Oregon and the district of British Clumbia. It was high up the Bluff Creek Valley in Northern California that a Bigfoot huntsman named Roger Patterson succeeded in capturing a few arguable feet of bleary movie film of what he averred was a feminine Bigfoot in the fall of 1967. It was a twelvemonth later in the little borough of The Dalles, Oregon, that Patterson tracked down the group of children who had spent a few darks in June, 1967 in one of the wildest animal chases on record. None of the children were over eighteen. They had been carrying automatics and staying up until all hours, and so their chase did not receive the warmest possible admirations from either their begetters or the police. As is the case of the book from which my show's title is inspired, they shall be referred to by different names. Here are the facts as they saw them: There was more than one Bigfoot. The animals left spore, of which the children took enlargements, that ranged in length from nineteen to twenty-three and a half inches. The animal's acreage were roughly eight to ten feet tall, and they guessed its weight at about 450 pounds. All told, it was quite a sight to run up on suddenly that dark Douglas Sealy and Bruce William first ascertained the earth might accommodate a big animal denominated Bigfoot. They had been out fooling around, the fashion kids sometimes get the appetite to do when it's June. They were perambulating down a flexuous avenue coming from the golf course, and up…"

In another part of the house, Heidi talked with Ken's father Rick over the phone. He was a sweet old man, had been present for many a things in his lifetime, one of the unsung heroes of entertainment, and was the subject of an urban legend that said he had beaten both Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris at the same time then died afterwards of exhaustion. Considering that Bruce Lee died in 1973 and Rick entered his second marriage in 1994 there was a serious problem with that urban legend.

"So what actually happened?" asked Heidi. "You mean you obviously didn't die and I have a feeling that the true story is more interesting than the urban legend."

"Well, to start, I didn't even get a single hit on them." Stated Rick. "Chuck has always been an incompetent idiot, an egotistical one but an incompetent idiot nonetheless, and Bruce was less of one and he quickly grew out of his incompetent idiot phase."

"How long did it take?"

"About an hour after."

"So what happened exactly?"

"Well, Heidi, Chuck leapt at me while giving the most absurd cry you had ever heard. It sounded like an elephant had stepped on his toes."

"What about Bruce?"

"He ran at me while making a noise that made him sound like Peter Sellers in slow motion."

"Who?"

"The original Inspector Clouseau."

"Okay, carry on."

"Well, I was quite an idiot myself as well. I held my ground and the next thing we knew Bruce had one of Chuck's feet in his face with me having the other foot on the side of my head, Chuck had my fist in his stomach while one of Bruce's dislocated his left knee."

"And what about you? You had one of Chuck's feet on the side of your head but what did Bruce do to you?"

"The moment Chuck's foot hit Bruce's face, it caused Bruce to fall but as he fell he tripped me and the end result was that incompetent idiot Chuck ending up on top of us."

Still, Ken continued with his web series. He'd hear of this from Heidi, having just accepted the urban legend as fact. "'Wait!' Douglas said abruptly. 'Oh good lord, what is that?' Bruce sucked in his breath, spotting it at the same instant. 'There aren't any kids around here that size,' he said. 'Let's get out of here!"