Envy stayed with Edward until he fell asleep. Once assured that the alchemist wouldn't wake up any time soon, he crept out, jogging silently through the tunnels until he reached the main room.
"Father!"
"Envy, what is it? Aren't you supposed to be guarding the Fullmetal Alchemist?"
The homunculus waved him off. "Yeah, right. He's dead asleep, plus he's missing an arm, plus a certain arrogant creation of yours stabbed him in the thigh. He's not going anywhere."
"Yes, I asked Pride to rough him up a bit." Father mused. "Though he might have taken it too far…"
"No shit. I thought he was gonna bleed out. Why'd you have him do that?" Envy asked, irritated. If Father had commanded it, Pride wouldn't be punished.
Father was not amused. "Because the alchemist was apparently sassing Pride and he thought it would be a good idea to break him a little."
"Pfft, the pipsqueak's always sassing someone. Cutting him up won't change that, it'll just damage your sacrifice."
At this point, Father was becoming peeved. "Why do you care, Envy?"
Said homunculus crossed his arms. Now was the time to watch his words. "Because I had to clean up after Pride, the little shit. He can fuck people up, no problem, but he just leaves Ed there—"
"Why are you addressing him by name?"
Full of attitude as always, Envy rolled his eyes. "Because after spending the greater part of the past few weeks guarding him it's hard to not start thinking of him by name. Anyway, he was just lying there, bleeding everywhere. I had to bandage him. Do you know how ridiculous it was to have me playing doctor?"
"Where are you going with all this, Envy? I have better things to do than listen to you complain." Father's eyes were beginning to gleam dangerously.
Envy held up his hands in defeat. "I'm getting there, jeez. I was going to volunteer to take over guarding the shorty."
The room was silent for a long while. The homunculus continued to make his argument. "That way you don't have to worry about coordinating the shifts anymore, and I don't have to worry about Pride making life any harder for me, and Ed completely hates me anyway, so he'll still be miserable."
A moment of contemplation, then—"I suppose that would be fine."
Victory.
"Well, then," Envy said, trying to keep the smirk off of his face, "I guess I had better get back to doing my job, then!" That said, the homunculus scampered away. He might be able to get away with mild sarcasm towards Father, but it was always good to get out of there before he managed to make him pissed.
He opened the cell door carefully, cursing under his breath when it squeaked, but it didn't matter. Ed was already sitting up on his mattress, blanket curled around his shoulders, waiting for Envy.
"There you are," he murmured sleepily. "I was wondering why I was guardless."
"Aww, Ed!" Envy squealed, clasping his hands in cheesy ecstasy. "Did you miss me?"
"Tch, you wish. I…thought maybe I could get away?" The end of his sentence turned up in a question, irritating Edward to no end.
"Nah, even you wouldn't try that with a leg like yours. I think you missed me." Envy plopped down on the bed, smirking at the blonde.
"Not in a million years."
"Well," Envy drawled. "I hope my company isn't too much of a downer for you, because we are going to be spending a lot of time together."
Warily, Ed looked the homunculus in the eye. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm now your permanent guard! No more shifts, just Envy, all day, every day! Isn't that great?"
Edward leaned back onto his mattress and rolled over, facing away from Envy. "Fucking fantastic."
"Aw, c'mon, Ed, don't be that way!" Envy fake-pouted.
"Well," the alchemist sighed, grudgingly. "As long as you don't smack me around, I guess it's an improvement."
The homunculus next to him only giggled.
"And I suppose," Edward added, "this means I have a private nurse."
That shut him up.
