"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

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TALES OF DISSIDIA

Chapter 4: Ready, Set, (wait for your meter to fill and) FIGHT!

[The morning after the reception understandably finds our heroes slumped and groaning around the breakfast table with massive hangovers. At the moment, only Firion, Zidane, Luneth and Bartz are seated at the long table designated the "Heroes' Table," running the length of one side of the dining room (i.e. the reception hall of the previous night). Across the way, nearer the Villains' Doorway, another long table is set up for the baddies' breakfast.]

Bartz: [passed out with his head on the table, drool leaking out of one corner of his mouth] Mmnhrragghh…

Firion: [slouched over a short stack of uneaten pancakes] Hear, hear… Definitely… should not have had… that last beer…

Zidane: [raising his head from the bowl of porridge it had been resting in] Knew…there was…a reason for…age minimum…to drink… [suddenly covers his mouth and scurries off for the men's room looking very green in the face]

Firion: [makes a tally mark next to Zidane's name on the napkin he has been using as a "scorecard" and grins weakly] That's three for Zidane…

Luneth: 's he in the lead now…?

Firion: Tied with Bartz…

[As though sensing his name being called, Bartz blearily raises his head and blinks stupidly at the others for a minute before muttering, "Boco…" and passes out again.]

Luneth: Well, he's definitely down for the count…

[A peal of laughter from across the hall catches their attention. Luneth and Firion raise their heads heavily to glance over at the Villains' Table, where all 10 baddies are seated upright, heartily enjoying the sumptuous breakfast spread and engaging one another in lively (if somewhat cackle-full) conversation.]

Luneth: They sure are laughing a lot…

Firion: Prob'ly laughing at us…

Luneth: Definitely… But why aren't any of them hung over…?

Firion: Ya got me. Villains must have some kind of special immunity to alcohol…

Zidane: [trudging back up to them] Yeah, insanity probably has its perks…

[Luneth and Firion turn to greet their friend, who is still clutching his stomach pitifully but has a little more color back in his face. Zidane crawls into his chair and manages to move his bowl of porridge over before plopping his head back down on the table.]

Luneth: You feeling better, Zidane…?

Zidane: Just trying… not to breathe… too deeply… [he groans again]

Luneth: Good plan…

[Squall, a habitually late-riser, finally arrives at the Heroes' Table with a well-laden plate. He takes a seat next to Firion and starts in on his breakfast with gusto, looking none the worse for the heavy night of drinking.]

Firion: Squall… you're not… hung over…?

Squall: [crisply munching his bacon] No.

Zidane: How do you do it, man? [covering his ears] And… can you not chew so loud…?

Squall: [frown] I'm chewing at a normal volume.

Luneth: [also looking a little pained] What's a normal volume for chewing?

Squall: [getting annoyed] The same volume I always chew at?

Zidane: [under his breath to Firion] So Squall… has Villains' Immunity too…?

Firion: [also whispering] Explains the sparkling personality…

[The gong suddenly sounds. Luneth, Zidane and Firion clutch their heads in agony. A cheerful Tidus comes bounding up to them.]

Tidus: Hey, guys! So you're finally all awake, huh?

Squall: [sourly] So much for my peaceful breakfast…

Firion: Tidus… you're not hung over either…?

Zidane: Squall I get, but you…?

Tidus: [laughs heartily] After a teeny, little whistle-wetting like last night? That was nothing!

Squall: [scowling at Tidus] Don't lie. You stumbled into my room this morning with your shirt on backwards and half your pant leg cut off.

Tidus: [pouting] But my pants always look like that.

Luneth: [glancing down] Strangely enough, that's true.

Squall: [ignoring them] You were so hung over you couldn't see straight two hours ago. You must've taken something.

Tidus: [laughs] Okay, okay, you got me. [charging up magic] Gentlemen, I've got just the thing for you!

[He casts a spell on the entire group. Luneth, Firion, Zidane and even Bartz suddenly spring up in their seats, clear-eyed and alert.]

Firion: [astounded] My… my hangover's gone!

Zidane: My stomach's totally recovered!

Luneth: How did you do that? I feel 100% better!

Tidus: Simple—I cast a Heal spell! "Cures all status ailments," right? [winks]

Bartz: [blinks] Now, why didn't I ever think of that?

Firion: [in awe] Genius… the man's a genius…!

Tidus: [shrugging it off gracefully] Nah. It's actually an age-old trick used by villains to instantly relieve their hangovers.

Zidane: That makes sense, cuz you've seen how they drink—they'd out-drink a flock of thirsty cactuars!

Bartz: Eh? Then how did you learn their trick?

Tidus: There are advantages to having a semi-villainous parent, you know? [winks] Though it took Dad years to get one of the others to fork it over—there's apparently a hierarchy to the coveted Villain's Trade Secrets, and that one was fairly high up.

Luneth: Really? I wonder why…

Tidus: [shrugs] I hear you're supposed to keep your head clear of alcohol while a fledgling villain so that it doesn't get in the way of the "madness cultivating in the mind" or something like that. Only experienced villains get to drink themselves silly.

Zidane: [snorts] 'Guess it doesn't speak well of Kuja that he was drinking gallons of wine by the time he was 15…

[Terra and Cloud finally arrive, both carrying plates of food and looking quite refreshed.]

Terra: Tidus! Thanks again for the Heal spell! We would've been stuck in that breakfast line forever if you hadn't come along.

Tidus: No problem-o! But take a seat, guys—Tet-chan said he was going to make the opening remarks soon, so you'd better eat quick.

Bartz: [hopping out of his chair and pulling an empty one out for Terra] You can sit here, Terra.

Terra: Oh, thank you!

Bartz: [smiling as he pushes her chair in for her] You're welcome.

[When Bartz re-seats himself, Firion gives him a raised eyebrow.]

Bartz: [red-faced] I-I was practicing being a gentleman.

Firion: [smirk] Suuuuure.

[The empty chair next to Squall silently slides a few inches out. Cloud wordlessly seats himself in it and begins eating.]

Terra: Where is everyone else?

Bartz: Cecil finished eating early and went out to the balcony to get some fresh air. I think Warrior-sama's out there too—meditating or something, since he apparently doesn't eat breakfast either.

Tidus: Oh, I'd better go get them too—looks like Tet-chan's ready to start!

[He scampers off just as the squeaking sound of a microphone flaring to life is heard over the room's speaker system. The group looks up to find Tet-chan, dressed casually today in a subtly but supremely well-cut designer t-shirt and jeans, standing behind the podium at the front of the room.]

Tet-chan: Good morning, my friends! I hope you all had a pleasant night and enjoyed our breakfast buffet this morning. Now that you've had a chance to settle in and get acquainted, we come to, I guess you'd call it, the "meat" of our little gathering on Dissidia—the tournament! As you know, Dissidia: Final Fantasy will be a fighting-style game and we're going to get in the spirit of things by holding our first ever Heroes versus Villains Tournament!

[Terra senses someone behind her and turns to find Warrior of Light and Cecil have rejoined the heroes, along with Tidus. Their attention is all turned on Tet-chan, but the movement of her turning causes Warrior of Light to glance down at her. Catching her eye, he smiles briefly and nods a little in greeting before raising his eyes to Tet-chan again. The angle is quite advantageous and Terra stares a star-struck moment longer before hurriedly turning forward again to listen to Tet-chan.]

Tet-chan: So, let me start by explaining the rules—in general, there are none! Once you are in your arenas facing down your assigned opponent, anything goes, so be on your guard and don't hold back! All we ask is that once one opponent has been dispatched and the winner of the match is clear, stop your attack and declare your victory to one of our little Eye-in-the-Sky Robot Hover Cams that will be floating around your arena recording battle footage.

Bartz: [raising his hand] Um, what do you mean "declare your victory?"

Tet-chan: Oh, you know, toss your hair, strike a pose, do a little flourish as you re-sheathe your weapon or something. In other words, it'll be the footage we'll use when we play the Final Fantasy Fanfare in the game.

All: Ahh.

Tet-chan: Everyone clear? Then it's time to pick our match-ups!

[He gestures to a subordinate who wheels a pushcart with two tall, opaque containers on it onto the small stage. Behind Tet-chan, a large screen comes rolling down from the ceiling, onto which a digital projection of a laptop desktop appears. It bears a wallpaper image of a young ninja with dark, spiked-in-the-back hair and a flashy logo reading "NARUTO" in the corner.]

Tidus: [whispering to Firion] Ah-hah! I knew Tet-chan was a Sasuke fan!

Firion: Huh? How come?

Tidus: Come on, have you seen the main character of Final Fantasy Versus XIII?

Firion: [realization dawning] …Oh my god, you're so right…! I never realized before, but the hair, the collar, the sleeves, the red Sharingan-like eyes—!

Tidus: [conspiratorially] Heheh, bet you also didn't realize that long before FFVII ever came out, the hero of Berserk carried an oversized sword and was fighting a silver-haired general-turned-villain who did something awful to the heroine halfway through the series either, hmm?

Firion: [blinks] …No. Wait, you're not saying—?

Tidus: Nah, it's all just speculation. But I bet it wasn't a coincidence that Sephiroth's voice actor had also played the voice of the villain, Griffith, in the Berserk anime either… [winks]

[Meanwhile, on the podium, Tet-chan has just turned to the screen and realized with a start that his wallpaper is showing. He quickly rolls his mouse cursor over a document entitled "tournament-bracket" and double-clicks. A moment later, a large, empty tournament bracket chart appears on the screen.]

Tet-chan: Ahh, there we are. Now, to get started, we'll decide the match-ups of Round I by having our brave heroes over there [some of the villains boo] come up and draw the name of a villain from this box and then an arena from this one. [gestures to the larger and smaller boxes respectively] So, come on up, heroes!

[The heroes all glance uncertainly at each other, then slowly climb to their feet and make their way toward the stage while the villains jeer from their table.]

Tet-chan: Now, now—no fussing, villains! You'll get to draw your opponent in the next round. That is, if you aren't eliminated this round, of course!

Firion: You mean it's a single-round elimination tournament?

Tet-chan: Yep! We're going for an intense knock-out tournament for maximum excitement, ferocity and, not to mention, the sake of saving on time and expenses! [a little sheepishly] We're a little behind schedule with production as it is.

Squall: [under his breath to Cloud] Figures.

Luneth: [to Zidane] I so don't have a good feeling about this…

Zidane: [giving his shoulder a pat] Aah, you'll be fine. Have some confidence in yourself—you've beaten a super villain before!

Luneth: Yeah, in a party of four!

Zidane: Hmm, good point. Y'know, I never thought about it before but… this whole party system thing is kind of unfair to the villains, isn't it?

Tet-chan: [suddenly appearing between them] Yes, they often complain to me about that despite the millions of hit points and devastating "knock a hero down to 1 HP," cheap-shot spells I give them. That's why we wanted to give you heroes a chance to prove that you deserved to win—parties or no!

Cecil: [epiphany] Ahh, I see! So that's why you decided to celebrate an RPG series' 20th anniversary with a fighting game?

Tet-chan: [sweatdrop] Uh, *cough* yeah… something like that… [popping back over to the microphone] In any case, let's start the drawings! Warrior of Light, would you do the honors of drawing first?

[WoL nods and steps forward. He produces a name and arena card, glances at them briefly, then hands them to Tet-chan.]

Tet-chan: And our first match-up, taking place in Arena VII, is between Final Fantasy I's Warrior of Light and Final Fantasy IX's Kuja!

[The villains all burst into jeers and applause; ExDeath leans over to shake hands with Kuja, who shoots Warrior of Light a smug, cruel smile and tosses his hair.]

Zidane: [to WoL as he returns to his place in line] I'm pretty sure you've got Kuja beat, Warrior-sama, but just in case, [lowers his voice conspiratorially] you can always distract him by telling him he's got cellulite on his thighs.

WoL: Cellulite?

Zidane: Yep. Works eeeevery time.

WoL: [smiles] Thank you for the tip. I shall do my best.

Tet-chan: Next up, Firion!

[The heroes applaud, the villains snigger. Emperor calls, "yoo-hoo!" and Firion scowls darkly but ignores him.]

Tet-chan: [taking the drawn cards from Firion] All right! Our next match-up, in—oh! Right outside, in the main stadium here, Arena I—will be Final Fantasy II's Firion versus Final Fantasy V's ExDeath!

[The villains gibber again; ExDeath puffs up and begins booming proudly about destroying memory, time and existence, etc.]

Firion: Feh. He doesn't look so tough.

Tidus: He's the tree, right? Then I've got just the thing! [places a large bottle of weed-killer in Firion's hands]

Cloud: Uh… I'm not sure that will work on him, Tidus…

Squall: 'Bet a chainsaw would, though. [imagining it] Heh.

Tet-chan: Next up, Luneth!

Luneth: [with some dread] Oh boy…

Zidane: [giving him an encouraging push toward center stage] Just go for it—don't worry!

Luneth: [muttering under his breath as he reaches into the box] Please don't be a scary one, please don't be a scary one… [he draws the cards and hands them to Tet-chan without looking at them, then quickly scurries back toward the line of heroes]

Tet-chan: Ahh, it looks like Final Fantasy III's Luneth will be fighting in Arena II against our resident sorceress, Ultimecia of Final Fantasy VIII!

Luneth: Oh, the witch lady? Phew, she doesn't seem so bad. [glances over at the tall, ominously quiet form of Ultimecia and jumps a little when he realizes she is staring back at him with her unnerving pale, yellow eyes. She raises her glass of wine toward him in a toasting gesture, and then slowly upends its contents on the floor, creating a blood-red pool at her feet into which she drops the glass and then crushes it under her stiletto heel, sneering at him all the while. Luneth goes deathly pale.]

Luneth: [horror] Oh my god, I'm going to die…

Zidane: [ditto] Yeah… Uh… Do you think you can ask to switch with someone?

Luneth: Would you switch with me?

Zidane: Uh… no.

Tet-chan: Ultimecia! Do you know how much those Swarovski glasses cost?!

Ultimecia: [laughing a husky laugh] Don't worry, Tet-chan. Broken toys can always be fixed. [she waves her hand vaguely and the glass reforms itself in her hand filled with fresh wine. She grins chillingly at Luneth again.] Broken little boys, on the other hand…

[Squall steps up next to the now faint-looking Luneth and catches his shoulder.]

Squall: [under his breath] …Make sure you've got Reflect or Magic Barrier up at the start of your match and you'll be fine.

Luneth: Huh? Why?

Squall: She's a witch and she likes cheap shots. But all she's got is her magic and her taunts, so keep the barrier up and she won't be able to touch you. [he thumps Luneth's shoulder once before turning to walk back to his spot in line.]

Zidane: …That was strangely nice for Squall.

Luneth: Yeah… Do you think that means he actually likes me?

Zidane: Sure. [to himself] Or that Ultimecia is so horrifically powerful that without the tips, you'd be dead… [gulps and pats Luneth's shoulder] Y'know, buddy, there's no shame in forfeiting a match because you've got diarrhea or something.

Luneth: Huh? But I don't have diarrhea…

Zidane: [whispers] Lie.

Luneth: [offended] C'mon, I'm not that pathetic!

Zidane: I didn't say you were! But you were worried about getting beaten up—

Luneth: [fired up] Well, not anymore! And I'm gonna prove it by beating her!!

Zidane: [relieved] Awesome, that's the spirit! But— [drops a case of sparkly blue bottles into his arms] –take some extra X-Potions just in case.

Luneth: [sourly] Thanks.

Tet-chan: Ahem! Continuing on—can I have Cecil Harvey up here, please?

[Cecil strides forward and is taken aback by a loud wolf whistle. Glancing at the Villains' Table, he sees Cloud of Darkness waving flirtatiously at him.]

Tet-chan: Oh-ho! Looks like you've got an admirer, Cecil!

Cecil: [stiffly] I-I'm a married man, Tet-chan. A-anyway, villains don't romance the people they like—they try to kill them, don't they?

Tidus: [elbowing Cloud with a mischievous grin] Yeah, don't they?

Cloud: [flushing red] I-I wouldn't know…

[Tidus laughs and pats him good-naturedly while Squall glares darkly at Tidus over Cloud's head.]

Tet-chan: [looking up from the cards Cecil has handed him] And it looks like our holy paladin from Final Fantasy IV will be fighting none other than Garland, our original Final Fantasy villain!!

[The villains all burst into raucous applause at that. Kefka begins singing out, "Cecil's gonna die-ie! Cecil's gonna die-ie!" Garland and Golbez exchange a brief look.]

Garland: [nodding solemnly] A fortuitous turn of events.

Golbez: …

Tet-chan: All right, good luck there, Cecil—you can do it! Next up, Bartz, come up here please!

Bartz: [drawing the cards and glancing at them] Oh… I got the clown guy…

Tet-chan: Yes, indeed! It's Bartz of Final Fantasy V versus everyone's favorite mad clown mage, Kefka of Final Fantasy VI!

[At that, Kefka leaps onto the Villains' Table and begins doing somersaults and handstands, cackling madly and spilling people's cups of orange juice.]

Kefka: Vee hee hee! Welcome to my barbecue!!

Bartz: [gaping at him] …That is SO disturbing…

Terra: [sweatdrop] Oh, don't worry… Even when he's bouncing around, if you cast Vanish on him and then an attack spell, it'll hit him 100%!

Firion: Oh, yeah! I remember that trick! Aren't you supposed to use Vanish + Doom, since Doom normally doesn't work on bosses but Vanish makes the target 100% vulnerable to any magic attack?

Terra: [sweatdrop] Oh, uh, yes, but, uh… we try not to talk about that bug…

Firion: [sweatdrop] Oh, sorry…

Bartz: Thank you for the tip, though, Terra!

Terra: You're welcome. [smiles kindly at him] Good luck!

Bartz: [blushing] S-say… um, maybe after the battle—

Cloud: [tapping Terra's shoulder] Terra, I think Tet-chan is calling you.

Terra: Oh! [hurries up to draw her cards]

Firion: [patting a crestfallen Bartz's shoulder] Well, there's always next time, buddy.

Bartz: Yeah…

Cloud: ?

Tet-chan: [taking Terra's cards from her] Thank you, my dear. Oh-ho! It looks like our lovely heroine, Terra of Final Fantasy VI, will be fighting Final Fantasy II's Emperor Palmecia in Arena X!

[The villains hoot and jeer; Emperor makes a grand, sweeping bow to Terra who hurries, red-faced, back to her spot in line.]

Tet-chan: Uh, do play fair, huh, Emperor?

Emperor: But of course, Tet-chan. How could you think otherwise of me?

Tet-chan: Too many reasons to enumerate now… [cough] Next up, [brightens] Cloud? Will you come up here, please~?

[Cloud walks stoically up to the boxes, determinedly ignoring the wild hoots and whistles coming from the villains' table. Various shouts of "Pick me, hot stuff!" and "Oh, wait till I get my hands on you, you (etc, etc, bleeped out to keep the PG rating)!" are heard over the din. Sephiroth simply grins his smug "I own you" grin and waits expectantly. Cloud hurriedly looks away.]

Cloud: [pausing before reaching to draw a card] Tet-chan… it's not possible to draw your own villain, is it?

Tet-chan: Well, uh, all the names are in there, but I want everyone matched up to different villains, if you don't mind. So if you get Sephiroth, I'll ask you to draw again.

Cloud: [looking reassured] Phew. Thanks.

Tet-chan: Huh? Not in the mood to fight Sephiroth? That's unusual.

Cloud: [evasively] Oh, uh, I just thought it would be interesting to try fighting someone else's villain. You know, just to mix it up a little…

Tet-chan: [laughs] Sure, sure, I get it. Nice of you to "share the wealth" with your new friends, huh? Very big of you, Cloud-tan.

Cloud: Uh, right… [He draws a set of cards, glances at them and then hands them to Tet-chan.]

Tet-chan: Oh, isn't that interesting? FFVII's Cloud versus FFIII's Cloud—of Darkness, that is!

Cloud of Darkness: [laughs shrilly] Oh, goody, goody! [seductively at Cloud] My pretty darling, we're going to have so much fun~

Tet-chan: Ooh, that is going to be an exciting match-up~ Looking forward to that one! But moving on, next up—oh! It's Squall's turn!

[Squall walks up to Tet-chan, with whom he seems to share a brief, silent exchange before he reaches into the villains' box and deliberately draws a card. As he pulls it out, the card catches on the edge of the box and drops from Squall's hand.]

Tet-chan: Oh! Let me get that for you! [hurriedly squats down and fumbles to pick up the card.]

Tet-chan: [straightening] Ah, and it looks like we've got another exciting match-up here—our stoic Squall Leonhart of Final Fantasy VIII will be fighting the one, the only, SEPHIROTH!!

[The announcement draws gasps and excited hoots from both sides. Sephiroth catches Squall's eye and grins. Squall simply glares back per usual and stalks back to stand by Cloud.]

Tet-chan: All right, we're down to our final two heroes and villains, aren't we? Who do we have left? Zidane and Tidus on the heroes' side and… Golbez and Jecht on the villains' side!

Jecht: [waving cheerily] Hi, son!!

Tidus: [waving enthusiastically back] Hi, dad!!

Heroes: [nervous chuckling]

Villains: [sniggers mixed with mocking "aww's"]

Tet-chan: Hmm, well that won't do—I wanted to make sure everyone got mixed up in this first round because we'll be using this footage for the Dissidia opening movie and we've gotta pimp the "crossover" concept. Hmm… [gestures Tidus and Zidane forward] Okay, executive decision-making time here—I'm going to assign Jecht to fight Zidane, and Tidus to fight Golbez, to make sure we get a mix.

Zidane: Wait, I get Jecht? Seriously?? [jumps up and down and waves to Jecht] Jecht, this is gonna be awesome!

Jecht: Oh-ho! So it's you and me, eh, lad? [laughs merrily] Yes, let's have a good, friendly sparring match!

Tidus: Aw, lucky! I wanna spar with dad!

Tet-chan: [fanboying] Oh, it's so nice to see you and your dad finally getting along, Tidus-kun!! I'm so happy for you!

Tidus: Me, too!

Tet-chan: Ah, but here—you two still get to choose your arenas. [holds out arena box to the heroes]

Zidane: I got Arena IV.

Tidus: And I got VI!

Tet-chan: Fantastic! All right, we've got all the Round 1 match-ups decided, so everyone get your gear, warm up, use the restroom, et cetera, and be out on your assigned arena by 10AM! Heroes and villains, you're dismissed. Film crew, come up here for a quick powwow, please. This is gonna be one heck of a morning!

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Loyal readers, please forgive me.

m(__)m

I know, 6 months is a ridiculous amount of time to wait for an update, but please note that this isn't the only chapter I uploaded today! Actually, everything in this update (this chapter along with the following 10) was originally meant to be one chapter… but, well, it got longer and longer and I thought I'd better slice it up/put each battle in its own chapter for easier bookmarking (and reviewing*cough*shameless*cough*). In all, this update is 38 pages long, so I hope you'll find it a meaty enough offering to forgive me the long, long absence (especially when so many people were kind enough to leave reviews and encourage me! Reviewers—you are the reason I kept going through all this! Thank you!!). I really hope you will find these chapters worth the wait! :: bows ::

And—hey! I updated on the day of Dissidia's US release! :D This was my final goal, and as luck would have it, inspiration struck this morning and I was able to finish up the one battle that I'd been stuck on for the past month or so (stupid Kefka, you should be the easiest character to write in a comedy fic! :: kicks :: ). So yes, I hope you enjoyed our little prelude to battle here and will have fun with the all ten battles ahead!

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Onward to Chapter 4b: Battle 1—Firion vs. ExDeath!!