Chapter 5
How I got back home without killing anyone was a minor miracle. I could hear Rose and Jacob arguing, then Rose's playful laugh filtered into the air and I knew they were just messing about.
That was me a couple of days ago, I thought.
Blissfully unaware, going about my business, like I had for the last couple of hundred years or so.
Although, on reflection, something had bothered me. Next time...NO!..." No next time!" I shouted to myself. Absolutely no more humans for me,... nope, never again. Not going to happen.
Then his face came unbidden to my mind, his body next to mine and the love, yes love, we had made. I sunk my head into my hands and wailed.
I still wanted him so much...how was I ever going to get through this?
A powerful vampire, i reasoned...turned to jelly.
And there was me thinking you only had to take the head of a vampire to kill it. This was torture and I was dying slowly, but dying nevertheless.
I went inside and went straight to my room. Taking off my clothes, I threw my dress on the floor. I could never wear it again without thinking of him. Donning sweat pants and a top, I lay on the bed. Even though I knew it was impossible, I felt exhausted. Wrung out like an old dishcloth.
A soft tap came at the door; "Bella, can I come in?"
"Yeah, Rose."
As the door slowly opened, I added "But if you say I told you so, I shall throw you out of the window!"
She just got on the bed and lay down beside me. As we lay there together in silence, I felt her small hand reaching to clasp mine, and this simple gesture of love and affection sent me right over the edge.
I turned to her, and her arms enfolded me in a tight embrace as I cried long into the night. No tears were shed, as I didn't have the luxury of working tear ducts, but I wept anyway.
When morning came, the clouds were back and rain drizzled against the window.
I stared outside thinking this weather matched my mood. Grey and miserable.
My mobile phone rang and I checked who was ringing... Edward!
I let it ring, waiting for the notes to die away. I couldn't speak to him. What would i say?
"I had a great time last night, oh and by the way, my eyes are weird because I'm a vampire? You know, those scary fanged monsters you write about? Small world, eh?"
My message tone started then, and I scrolled to see what he had written;
"Bella, please don't run away from me. We can work anything out if we try. You have to trust me. PLEASE call me back, love Edward xxx"
"Oh god" I thought, as I started pacing up and down. "Didn't he realise it was ME I couldn't trust?"
I turned my phone off and threw it on the bed.
Sitting at my work desk, I brought up Google and typed in "Edward Cullen" It registered quite a few names but one stood out in particular;
"Edward Cullen, the famous Gothic mystery writer, is best known under his pen name of Carlisle Masen"
"Holy fuck!" I exclaimed.
Carlisle Masen? He was fucking Carlisle Masen?"
Famous was an understatement. No wonder he had that big beautiful house. I scanned everything that was written, learning that a few of his books had been turned into films. I had even seen one of them, for god's sake! Unfortunately, I had been the only one laughing when stakes were being plunged into chests and sunlight burnt the vampires to ash.
Never having bought one of his books I hadn't known what he looked like. I tended to steer clear of vampire novels as I always felt a compelling urge to write and inform the authors in no uncertain terms of the mistakes they were making.
I leaned back in my chair and put a hand to where my heart should be. The ache was still there, as though a hole had been punched in my chest. The agony and ecstasy of love...so bittersweet, so all consuming, like a fire simmering slowly, ready to burst into flames at any moment.
Realising I had to do something to rid me of this godawful pain, I decided to go to our place in the country. Rose agreed to come with me as she needed a break and time to re-charge her batteries.
Besides we needed to get something to eat.
The woods near the cottage where we stayed was teeming with wildlife, and so for the next week or so we hunted. All my love sick ideas were banished from my thoughts as I concentrated on the business of catching wild deer and feasting on their blood. I only needed to do this once every couple of weeks, but the misery I was feeling made me take buck after buck until Rose told me to ease up before I decimated the whole herd.
We also talked long into the night about everyday things, as women have done the world over, but never once mentioning Edward's name. I think during this time, Rose thought this would be a healing process for me, but in reality, Edward was never far from my thoughts.
Tragically, I had to forget him, there was no other solution.
On our return, I found a message left on my answer machine. I pressed the button and a voice I didn't recognise filled the air;
"Oh..hi...Um...You don't know me...I'm a friend of Edward's...uh...Jasper...Look, I know its none of my business, but the guy is hurting...Christ, he'd kill me if he knew I was telling you this...So, do you think you could just call him?...I mean, I don't know what went wrong, but nothing can be that bad, right?...Um, sorry to have bothered you...probably think I'm nuts...I just don't like seeing him like this...well,... anyway,... sorry to ramble on...hate fuckin' machines," he muttered as he put the phone down and the message ended.
I stood still for a long time. He was in pain,...the deep ache in my chest swelled.
I played back the message again. He was hurting, I was hurting. Could something be done? Would he still want me if he knew the truth? I remembered the horrified look he had given me when he first saw my eyes change. I didn't want to see that look again.. ever.
One message and I was in turmoil again. Maybe...just maybe... if I just went back to the club and saw him again, listened to him sing?
Rose would kill me, I know. She hated seeing me so upset and being unable to help.
I went downstairs to the studio she had out back and sat and watched her as she deftly carved a horse's head out of a lump of clay.
"Uh Rose, I've been thinking"
"Thinking eh? Now that's a first, just lately!" She softened the harsh words with a smile in my direction.
"Why do I get the feeling nothing fucking good will come from this? Pass me that knife will you?" she said, pointing to a work bench. I leaned over to get it, glad of the time it gave me to think. Of how she would she take the news.
"I've decided to go and see Edward again" I blurted out.
She dropped the knife she was holding, which was a true indication of how shocked she was. Vampires never drop anything.
"You're fucking what?"
I'm going to see..." "Yes, I bloody heard you the first time, you idiot...you fucking idiot!"
Running her hands through her hair in desperation, she succeeded in transferring more clay to her face.
"You cannot go to see him again! What on earth will that accomplish, huh?"
He is a friggin' human for god's sake! Do you think he will want you if he finds out the truth?"
"Why would you put yourself through all this again?"
" I can't believe this...I cannot fucking believe this!"
"I just want to see if somehow we can work something out," I pleaded. I started pacing up and down too now. "I need to be with him Rose. He is the other half of my whole" I cried. "I feel so lost without him"...I came to a sudden stop in front of her. "Maybe if he knows what I am?"...we can...
She interrupted me with a yelp; " You're going to tell him?...I mean you can't... you just can't do that!"
" Why not?" I snapped back. "Who would it hurt? only me if he decides he doesn't want me."
"Who would it hurt?...who do you think it would hurt?" she yelled. Her arms were held wide from her body as she remonstrated with me.
"You, me, and Jacob for starters. We would have to move and I happen to like it here!"
"Why would we have to move?" I questioned. I couldn't understand her reasoning.
" Because my silly naive love sick child, if the idea of us existing scared the shit outta him, then the first place he would go would be the police. I'm sure Jacob would love that, him being of the "carnivorous" persuasion!"
"Rose, he just wouldn't do that, I know he wouldn't." Hesitantly,I took her hand in mine."Please let me try this? I have never wanted anything more in my life." I said simply.
She pulled her hand from mine." You do what you have to do, Bella, but I wash my hands of it. Just don't coming running back to me when your life is shattered in a million pieces.
"Nothing good will come of this" she added. "Perhaps you need to see this for yourself."
I stormed out of the studio, cannoning into Jacob on his way in.
" Hey! I could hear you two half way across town!" he stated. "What's going on?"
I didn't answer. Rose could do all the explaining needed.
I was fed up with listening to people tell me what I could and couldn't do.
Maybe it was time to take that step into the unknown. If this all ended tit's up then at least I would know that I had tried.
Anyway, what was I without him?
A very lonely, vampire.
I kept out of Rose's way until Saturday night came around. She knocked on my bedroom door just before I was setting out.
"I wanted to see you before you go" she said. "If anything happened to you tonight and the last thing I remember is me shouting at you...well I would never fucking forgive myself."
I was holding her in a tight hug before she had finished her sentence.
"Oh Rose, I hate it when we fight and I know you are doing it for my own good, but I really need to do this, okay?"
"Okay" she mumbled, giving me a quick squeeze and was gone before I could see her upset again.
Standing outside Eclipse again, I could hear the loud music thumping through the door.
I was steeling myself to go in. Squaring my shoulders I walked through the door to be met by a wall of sound.
As I had come to the decision to tell him the truth, I thought a more "vampire" attire was required.
I wore a black long sleeved top, showing plenty of cleavage, over a pair of back skinny jeans.
Knee high black boots completed the look. My hair hung long and sleek down my back and a black choker necklace adorned my neck, matching the black hoop earrings.
Obsidian were in the middle of their set. I stood at the back, listening to them play. There were too many swaying bodies in the way for me to see the band but I could hear Edwards unmistakeable voice.
They had just finished a song, and I heard Edward drag the stool to the middle of the stage.
My skin went even colder as I heard him say into the microphone:
"This song is a favourite of mine by Richard Marx. It's for all you people out there that have loved and lost."
He settled on the stool and his soft soulful voice filled the room;
Nothing I must do
Nowhere I should be
No one in my life
To answer to but me
No more candlelight
No more purple skies
No one to be near
As my heart slowly dies
If I could hold you one more time
Like in the days when you were mine
I'd look at you 'till I was blind
So you would stay
I'd say a prayer each time you smile
Cradle the moments like a child
I'd stop the world if only I
Could hold you one more time.
The crowd broke into rapturous applause again.
I felt rooted to the spot. He had been singing that song just for me.
The words filled me both with sadness and with elation.
Surely, if he felt this way, he would still want me, no matter what I was?
I made my way through the crowd with a singular determination. He had just put his guitar down in readiness for a break, when he looked up and saw me there.
So many expressions worked there way over his face it was hard to keep up.
Utter surprise was first, followed by disbelief, followed by joy as his face split into a huge grin.
He leapt off the stage in a single bound and swung me around in his arms. Everyone started clapping and cheering as he put me down, took my face in his hands and kissed me with an intensity that brought me to my knees.
" I don't care about why you ran away, I don't care if you don't love me."
He held my gaze with his own and a steely tone came into his voice; " All I DO care about is you, that you came back, that you are here with me now, so don't EVER fucking leave me again, Okay?"
"Okay?" he emphasised again, as he gently shook my arms.
I took in his beautiful face that i had missed so much. "How could I give up this man?" I asked myself. His eyes were alight with happiness and those perfect lips curved upward in a smile.
I smiled, or rather I grinned from ear to ear.
"Okay" I agreed... " I love it when you're masterful!" I added cheekily.
" Masterful, eh?" "I'll show you fucking masterful!"
He dipped down and slung me over his shoulder to the appreciation of the crowd. They hooped and hollered as he walked up to the stage with me hanging upside down and my ass in the air.
I wish I could have seen Jasper's face, because I could hear him laughing along with the rest of the band.
"I take it we have to finish this one without you?" Jasper yelled, chuckling at the same time.
"Too damn right!" Edward said, grinning."I got me some catching up to do!"
As he turned around and strode out of the club, still with me over his shoulder, I could hear Jasper shouting;
"Way to go Edward,... way to go!"
