CHAPTER 4 :
CHAPTER 4 :
ENTER ANITA BATHE
The day after Otto made his debut in international competition, in which he barely made it to the Olympic team, Marge checks up the mail, "A letter from the Reader's Digest saying that we did not win anything, bills, oh, and there's something for you, Bart" Bart comes down from his room to see the letter addressed to him. He grabs the parcel and he swiftly returns to his room in order to see what's in the parcel. Here is the letter included within the parcel:
Dear Bart, July 1st, 2008
Sorry for the date discrepancy in the writing of this letter, but I wish to express you my most sincere thanks when you made a prank call to Moe's Tavern and it was taped on the bar's security camera. I also extend thanks to Mr. Szyslak, for sending the security camera tape over to Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags. Granted, I began plunging for distance long before I was aware you were behind this scheme, but this video has been my source of inspiration ever since I saw it. I carried a flash drive containing the gag using my name everywhere I competed so I could watch it before and after the event.
When something goes awry in my diving life, your prank gives me the strength of character necessary to carry on competing, but I waited the International Olympic Committee's final decision regarding plunge for distance for the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing before I could even dare send it to you. I am extremely disappointed that the IOC had not allowed this sport to proceed to the Olympics but cell phone throwing, both men and women, to be in the official program. Also, I waited this long to write to you by fear the Olympic Committee of Germany would strip me of my place I hold in the plunge for distance event if this appearance in a video gag became publicized, as I found out that your voice is almost like my own. However, I successfully signed with the South Harmon Institute of Technology (SHIT), in the United States, and major in science with a minor in education so I can continue training in the plunge for distance should it appear in the 2012 London Olympics. I chose the SHIT because it showed more support for plunge for distance than any other university in the world. You should know that, in the university-level sporting circles, Lawrence University is closely associated with cell phone throwing just as the SHIT is for plunge for distance.
I have four years to show the world I can do better than the legendary Charlotte Boyle, the current female world record holder in the plunge for distance. A very old world record, almost 100 years old, but if anyone can best it today, it is me, the top female distance diver in the world. However, Springfield Elementary is after me not because they need help with science, but because I begin to coach juvenile cell phone throwers.
I know that the world of cell phone throwing is doping-plagued more than any other sport; Ryan Cauley, the current United States record holder at 78.97 meters, is banned for five years because of clenbuterol taken after the record was set but still gets to keep his record; Chelsea Fickbohm decided to boycott the US championships but was later stripped of her U.S. record of 45.75 meters because of EPO. Robin Turgeon is de facto the U.S. Olympic qualifier for women's cell phone throwing but never achieved a top 5 rank in international competitions and only one top 10. Just hope that this Otto of yours is on his best behaviour or else, even if he sets a national, Olympic or world record in Beijing's National Stadium (the Bird's Nest) in the next few weeks, if he drinks Duffs or consumes drugs, he will no longer be eligible for Olympic-level competition and even a participation in Savonlinna, which is synonymous for world championships in the cell phone throwing world, will be out of his reach. I saw your Otto miss the bronze medal by 10 centimeters in the Shanghai Cell Phone Throwing World Cup event when it was broadcast over the Internet. Before I arrive in Springfield, on Saturday, go get an IAAF-certified cell phone and I'll take you to the school's baseball field for a training round, just so you learn the basics of cell phone throwing. Bring along your family, too!
With love, from Augsburg, Germany,
Anita Bathe
An astonished Bart read the letter, "¡Ay, Caramba! Moe did this… to ME? How dare him! Now, the real Anita Bath(e) will come all the way from Germany for what I did here, in Springfield? She is just insane!" Bart rushes off to Lisa's room with the letter at hand, "Lisa! I need your help! I need to find a way out of this mess! Read the letter and you'll understand better"
As Lisa reads the letter, the only thing she finds bad in this letter is that Moe submitted a surveillance camera of a prank call to a German TV station and that the real Anita Bath(e) came here to meet with Bart. "You must hide me from her", Bart said. Lisa tells her brother, "Actually, Anita herself doesn't seem too angry at you; she says that your prank allowed her to carry on competing in plunge for distance. It is quite an honor for you to meet with a world champion in person, and so I should. I decided to begin cell phone throwing, as I found out that most IAAF-certified cell phones were worn out and should be used even if they no longer serve for communications."
Neither child realize that Otto started a craze of cell phone throwing in Springfield. They see their friends throwing cell phones; even one landed in their yard. For this reason, the International House of Answering Machines reported record business, because it purchased the monopoly over IAAF certification of cell phones for the Springfield/Shelbyville market from the IAAF itself. Marge comes home with the school bus, with a special passenger waiting to disembark after her. "Homer! Time has come for you to go out shopping for a cell phone!", Marge calls out.
Homer criticizes, "A cell phone? D'oh!" But Marge argues that, with a cell phone, she can keep track of what he does a lot more than if he didn't. "We have a special guest tonight!", Marge announces. Bart already knows who that "special guest" is: the Anita Bathe who sent the letter to Bart. However, he kept quiet because he has a plan to execute and should he tell them at the wrong moment, the plan cannot be carried out in its entirety. "First stop: the International House of Answering Machines!"
The supposed "record business" that KBBL-TV reports is best expressed in the form of a long line of people from both Springfield and Shelbyville putting aside their disputes in order to get their old, IAAF-certified cell phones in the resulting clearance sale. Their "eye in the sky" departed Penang… euh, Springfield International Airport in the TV station's helicopter. "Here's our Eye in the Sky, Arnie Pye! The delegation from the International House of Answering Machines has arrived from Penang and is driving its way to the Springfield shop of the IHAM! They're looking for an additional cashier!"
From that position, Bart decides to tack on the challenge of becoming a staff member in the IHAM and applies, amid a long line of people who wait in line for IAAF-certified cell phones. Once Bart arrives, the squeaky-voiced manager, who was a simple cashier when Otto first went in the shop, tells him, "We are waiting after a shipment of IAAF-certified cell phones, coming from Capital City! I'll go check on the orders while you operate the cashier"
Marge warns the other people in the bus: "I will have to go to the airport pick up not only our surprise guest but also the Mayor of Penang City. Just hope that you will get good cell phones to throw!" And the Mayor of Penang came all the way from Penang, Malaysia, to sign a "sister city" treaty, along with the International House of Answering Machines marketing staff, for the IHAM is a Malaysian chain headquartered in Penang. Therefore, Penang's terms for a sister city treaty includes trade cooperation.
Once the shipment of used cell phones has been received, Bart is ordered to roll the red carpet. "Lousy International House of Answering Machines! What kind of customers would the IHAM receive to need such ceremonious manners? The President's father?", Bart thought. The manager takes over the sole cashier station in the IHAM because Bart has no experience of cashier ops, even shoving him out of his stool. It turns out that Anita Bathe is the only athlete sponsored by the IHAM when the IHAM-rented cameras, positioned within Marge's bus, were aimed at her. She was dressed like a weightlifter and began spinning around herself so much as to throw her cell phone at the camera. And she was so accurate that the cell phone broke the camera's outer lens. Once the Mayor of Penang, D.S. Ramanathan, repaired the camera, the shooting could resume.
Arnie Pye continues his report with Kent Brockman as the news anchor. "The commotion at the International House of Answering Machines continued as the red carpet is unfurled in front of the shop; wait, is that my father repairing the camera that was damaged in the shooting of the video clip?" Kent asks the helicopter pilot, "Who is your father, the Mayor of Penang?" For some reason, neither Penang City Hall nor KBBL-TV dared to reveal that Arnie was given his United States papers only through the bribing of Springfield police, probably not to hurt the process of making Springfield a sister city of Penang. The helicopter pilot reluctantly admits that his father is the mayor of Penang and the one who urged him to give media coverage of the whole process.
However, Anita says, in front of the camera, "To achieve success as a distance diver, I, Anita Bathe, have to train intensively. The International House of Answering Machines allow me not to worry about funding and my telephony needs; I can focus on my training and my studies. They show support not only during a year where plunge for distance championships are held, but also all subsequent years." The last passage proved to be only a voiceover. Once she is done, she grabs Bart into the China Eastern-owned bus; Anita pays but Bart does not have to, in virtue of his place in Springfield Elementary.
"I can help you away from cell phone throwing", Anita tells him. If what Moe told me in the first place was correct, math and science are the things you struggle most with. English is not as big a deal to you, though.
And Bart says, "How Moe could tell you the problems I have? Or the people behind the Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags are simply assuming that I am no good in class while Anita Bath(e)…"
And Anita says, "The latter is correct. The Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags crew think that people with no academic talent would use humor to make up for it. I must tell you that I got inspired into playing sports competitively because my father-side great-grandfather was an Olympic champion. I tried my hand at swimming but I proved to be too dense to have any chance." By "too dense", Anita meant her physical density; ideally, a swimmer should by lighter than water (density 1 kg/L) and Anita was heavier than even Baltic Sea water (density 1.03 kg/L). However, that density best suited her for plunge for distance.
While Bart is left at the IHAM for work, Marge drives the bus with the IHAM marketing staff, the mayor of Penang and Homer to Moe's Tavern. When they near Moe's Tavern, Homer exclaims, "We'll show these lousy Malaysian people what beers we Americans drink!" They brought along a heavy drinker from Malaysia, who is about to sign a contract with Barney Gumble and Moe's Tavern to stage a drinking binge challenge.
China Eastern and the IHAM found out that the challenger's tab is not really US 14 billion, but ZW 14 billion at the time it was calculated, because the NASA hid the Zimbabwean code under liquid paper, which was later scrapped off. Considering it was calculated about 18 months ago, it would total about US 1.4 million, which is the purse of the winner. The loser would only receive US 100,000. The drinking showdown would be broadcast in Chinese and Malaysian satellite TV but, unfortunately, only Channel 6 in the United States accepted to air the event.
Guan begins his speech, written by the Mayor of Penang, also a Senior Vice-President of the World Binge Drinking Union. "Today is a day that may mark binge drinking history: the title of Binge Drinking World Champion may, for the first time, be awarded to a binge drinker not representing the United States. In the left corner, from Penang, Malaysia, Aziz Ramanathan. "Arnie! I finally found you, my brother!" Aziz shouts. "Aziz? Why did you stay in Malaysia when our father was a simple city councillor?" Arnie asks. "Arnie, you were disowned by our father because your mother died before I was born. Your mother, Elaine Pye, was killed in the Malaysian May 13 incident by Penang police." Aziz answered to his half-brother.
For this reason, Arnie places the Channel 6 camera in front of his half-brother. The referees, Moe and Anita, stand behind the counter; while the former supply drinks to both competitors, the latter tallies the number of mugs drunk by the contestants and watches out for the time; also, if anyone is unfit to drink, she is to stop the contest. "Live from Moe's Tavern, the greatest drinking showdown of our time is about to begin! In the left corner, representing Malaysia, we have Aziz Ramanathan, the son of the Mayor of Penang and, in the right corner, representing the United States, we have Barney Gumble, the leader of Moe's Tavern Big Six. This is Kent Brockman for KBBL-TV!"
As usual, in official WBDU meets, one of the referees takes the "Judges' Oath" and, this time around, Moe is the one to take it, despite his reluctance and lack of knowledge of WBDU procedures. "In the name of all judges, I shall promise that we shall officiate in this World Championship match with complete impartiality, respecting and abiding by the rules which govern them in the true spirit of championship", he swears with a Bible at hand.
In front of Penang's City Hall, a giant TV screen has been installed so the townspeople could watch their local competitor and root for him, as he is the son of the Mayor, after all. On the Esplanade of Penang, one could see a crowd of thousands with Malaysian flags, horns, ready to holler "Malaysia! Malaysia!" and "Aziz! Aziz! Aziz!" as he seems to out-drink Barney, but his strategy was not sound. Aziz lacked the power to carry on drinking and Barney uses this moment to strike at Aziz' chances to win the drinking duel. However, using his final strength, Aziz out-drinks Barney for a few minutes and they both belch when they are equal one another.
"Bart, come back tomorrow. There are still more customers waiting to have cell phones, either to exact vengeance on their loved ones or to throw for sport" the squeaky-voiced manager says. He rushes to see his father root Barney at Moe's Tavern, only he cannot see the whole event inside the tavern, as he has to watch it from the outside instead. "Eat my shorts, Penang City Hall!" he shouts in anger.
The "Paladin" of Malaysia, Aziz, is nowhere near as fat as his competitor and he loses sight of his objective and surrendered after drinking 8 super-sized mugs of Duff beer, for a total of more than a case. At the time of surrender, Barney only begins his ninth mug and is asked to cease the competition. Malaysia-side, the deception is greatest in the Penang region, as the challenger (and now world vice-champion as he defeated British champion Larry Moist, the previous world vice-champion) aspiring to the title of world champion of binge drinking was very narrowly defeated. Accounts by Moe Syzslak and Guan Yu report that the winning margin is no greater than a tablespoon.
As of now, no actual proof of victory was awarded to even the World Champion. The mayor of Penang will introduce the official emblem of a victory in a World Championship match as well as the second-place finisher and third-place finisher emblems. All three implements are flashed on TV but only two will be awarded, the third will be shipped to Larry Moist's home in Portsmouth after the medal ceremony, headed by the Mayor of Penang in person, DS Ramanathan.
Arnie begins using his formal tone, "The silver medallist, representing the Federation of Malaysia, Aziz Ramanathan!" And Aziz gets his medal, with the Neguraku, the national anthem of Malaysia playing as he receives the medal from his own father. The medal ceremony turned out to begin as a family affair, the ceremony master being the silver medalist's brother and the one who awards the medals being said person's father. Perhaps the signing of the "sister city" treaty was just the occasion D.S. Ramanathan needed to reconcile with his first-born child. Or perhaps simply an excuse to do it.
This is the final stretch: after the Neguraku ended, Arnie continues the medal awarding ceremony, "The champion, representing the United States, Barney Gumble!" Then the "Star-Spangled Banner" begins to play. And the crowd cheers on as their local champion gets his gold medal. And gets his beer tab fully cleared.
"Homer, I almost forgot about your son. Because Mr. Pommelhorst will not teach Physical Education this year, and Coach Krupt has been re-assigned to Shelbyville Elementary, I will be the PE coach for this year" Anita tells him, once she is out of the counter. Then Bart gets in the bar to see where Anita is. "Are you ready to heave cell phones out on the baseball field?", she asks. "Excuse me, Anita Bathe first…" Bart said.
"So what about me? It's true that I was featured in one of the Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags, but it's no reason to disrupt your sentence! I know you meant that I first promised it in the letter I sent to you from Augsburg" Anita says. I see you have an IAAF-certified cell phone but this is not what we use today. Today, we will use a rubber-made phony cell phone, of the same weight as the real thing.
For safety reasons, Arnie, Aziz and their father use the China Eastern bus service out of the bar. Also, since Homer has left his car at home, he uses the bus with his son and Bart's coach. Homer goes to the park along his son, just so he can see what his son is doing, no matter what happens.
"For starters, Bart, try throwing the cell phone with your left hand. Once you're done, go grab your cell phone and come back at the home plate" Anita says. Bart spins counter-clockwise (seen from above) with his implement in his left hand. His fake cell phone lands about at the third base, which would be ruled a foul. The second throw is done by rotating clockwise with the cell phone in his right hand. Homer, seeing the whole scene from the second base, gets hit by Bart's cell phone, despite being (square root of 2) times farther from the home plate than where he previously threw the phone. As such, the phone flew for an horizontal distance of 25.91 meters (85.00 ft) before hitting Homer's head. Anita exclaims, "Good throwing!" while Homer shouts, "D'oh!" as he recovers from the pain the impact of the cellphone inflicts on him.
The PE coach tells Bart, "If you were properly trained, by someone like Otto's coach, you could, one day, compete at the same level as him, though not necessarily side-by-side." And then he faints.
We can see Bart's dream: he is in the crowd of the Springfield Courthouse when the Superior Court is in session in the Kwijibo case. The top female cell phone thrower of the time was arrested in Springfield International Airport while throwing a cell phone at a customs agent. The judge, Iggy Wiggum III (because Clancy has a brother called Iggy, and his father is Iggy II (junior) as Clancy's grandfather is also named Iggy), begins his speech: "Marianne Kwyjibo XI, here's your choice: either you accept four years of probation in order to train Bart Simpson for the next Olympic Games for free or you are extradited back to Zambia." The Black Magician, who travelled to Springfield in order to study Ph.D. level economics, answered, "I would rather stay here for four years in probation than return to my own impoverished, politically-troubled country." Because the Zambian high-school sensation cell phone thrower, also the first African cell phone throwing women's champion, is actually the 11th generation of Kwyjibo firstborn daughters to bear Marianne as first name.
