A/N. This story is a sequel to "Jack Twist's Legacy." You really need to read that first. As with that story, some of the agricultural or other farming practices I describe might not sound right for Wyoming. Please don't flame me. I am a Kiwi writing this in New Zealand. I am hugely grateful to the good people at Google Earth. This has been an invaluable tool for researching the country around the Lightning Flat area.

Many thanks to my flatmate, Martin, who is also my beta reader.

A big heart felt thank you those who have been so kind with your reviews for "Jack Twist's Legacy". Especially to Kos - Mos607, Hussy, The Everlasting sugarquill and Saphobrazil. It has encouraged me to carry on with this sequel. I will post this one as I complete each chapter. Hopefully at least weekly.

Disclaimer. The world of "Brokeback Mountain" and the characters from there are the property of and the product of the genius of Annie Proulx. I only own my own original characters.

I'm afraid this chapter may get a little heavy, but I'm trying to get you all into Mac's head here.

CHAPTER 4

All that day the feeling had been growing inside Mac, the same as it had for months now. If asked to describe it he would have been at a loss. How do you describe this feeling of dread? This dead weight that sits in the center of your being and drags you down. There just isn't enough energy in the universe, let alone your own body, to fight against it.

You feel physically ill.

Nauseous!

The fear and anxiety!

Mac couldn't bring himself to start anything! That feeling of dread that had taken residence in his soul told him that anything he did was going to turn out wrong. He was no longer capable of doing anything right.

He was worthless!

Worthless!!

What Aguirre and those others had done to him reinforced that belief.

He was soiled! Dirty!

The doctors told him he was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, causing severe depression. They assured him he would get through it. He didn't believe them. He didn't believe there was any way he could ever escape this deep, dark hole. Ever feel happy again.

Jackson couldn't possibly love him now. Oh Mac wanted Jackson still to love him. With all that he had left of his soul he wanted that. Neither of them had ever been with anybody else. God knows enough girls at school had tried to lure them into bed. The two boys had pledged themselves to each other. They wanted their first time to be special! How could that ever be now that he had been used this way?

It didn't matter how he showered, groomed or changed clothes he just could not feel good about himself. He had completely given up on that.

Why bother?

He supposed that drugs or alcohol would bring him some relief. But something in him, maybe just his upbringing, wouldn't let him go that way.

He found out by accident that pain helped relieve the anxiety. The darkness in his head. He had cut his hand while making a sandwich. The sudden stinging flash of pain that shot through his body, took away the terrible feelings. Just for a minute! But for that one moment, Mac felt lifted. Elated.

He had tried it again later with the same result. He became addicted to that rush and started doing it more and more often. Cutting his arms where he could hide the damage under his sleeves. Or gouging at his skin with his nails if he couldn't get somewhere quiet to use a knife.

Unfortunately, after the rush of pain had passed, he collapsed into a desolate waist land of guilt over what he was doing, reinforcing the feelings of shame he was already feeling. He would crave the rush again and the cycle continued into a deep, downward spiral.

Mac desperately wanted someone to help. To take away these feelings. But he was too ashamed of what people would think of him. How people would judge him. Think he was weak. Especially as he was gay! They would say he deserved it!!

So instead of letting people see the harm he was doing to himself, he hid it away under layers of shirts and a veil of secrecy. It was like screaming for help while shutting yourself in a sound proof room so that nobody could hear you.

When Jackson was near him, or even Bobby or Ennis, he would desperately want them to touch him. Put there arms around him. Anything so that he could feel their love for him. But as soon as they came near, he would withdraw into himself. Flinch away. Fearing they would discover what he was doing to himself.

He hid it from the doctors too. He was desperately scared they would lock him away and fill him with drugs so that he would no longer know who he was. He knew in the core of his being that he would not be Mac anymore. He was too scared to take the anti depressant drugs the doctors prescribed him, Fearing their effects.

He was pleased he was staying at the ranch tonight, as going home made him feel worse still. He was aware of scrutiny from his parents which made him feel worse. He also felt unbearably guilty about what he was putting them through. He would end up shutting himself in his room or the bathroom and begin slicing at his arms.

Unfortunately, during supper, the blackness pressed down on Mac's shoulders and surrounded his head. He became hyper sensitive to noise. Anytime somebody spoke or a knife clattered on a plate, Mac would flinch. It was like somebody was battering at his head. He just wanted to get away. Block his ears! He was beginning to panic.

Shake.

Sweat.

He made it through supper and went through to the living room with the others. He sat on a sofa with Jackson, craving the other boy's arm around his shoulder, at the same time still terrified Jackson would find out his secret.

He could feel himself pulling into a tight knot, with his knees pulled up to his chin. His head was tilted to one side and his shoulders hunched so he could block his ear and protect himself from the unbearable barrage of noise. He clasped his hands around his ankles and pulled his feet in close to his butt and started gouging at the exposed skin of his ankles with his nails. He didn't want to look up as he couldn't bear to see if the others were watching him.

Jackson's arm slid carefully around his shoulder. Mac was filled with love for this special young man, but he felt deeply guilty about the secret he was hiding. The depression, shame and guilt became unbearable.

He had to get out of the room and hide. He needed more than his finger nails to fulfill his need.

He got up from under Jackson's arm, mumbled he was going to the bathroom and left the room, clasping his arms around his chest to try and contain the pressure inside him.

He shut the bathroom door behind himself and leaned against it for a second, panting rapidly. He knew what he craved. Knew it was wrong, but knew he wasn't going to be able to stop himself. He clasped his arms around his chest and stumbled across to the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He was disgusted at what he saw.

Anybody else looking would still see a handsome young man. Troubled maybe, but still handsome. Mac only felt ashamed.

He felt in his pocket for the sharp pocket knife he always carried and flipped it open. He rolled up his shirt sleeves to expose his arms then pressed the blade to his skin. He hesitated for a couple of seconds to prolong the feeling then started to slice at his arm.

The relief was instantaneous, but not enough. He kept slicing, again and again, needing more and more relief. When that arm was a bloody mess, he changed arms and started on the other, blindly slicing more and more, working his way up his arm in hysteria. He didn't care about consequences. He could have been breaking a dozen laws. It was the last thing on his mind. He was completely driven by desperation.

It was only when the knife slipped out of his blood slicked hand that Mac was able to stop and see what he had done. He slipped straight into panic. There was blood everywhere! Running down his arms and dripping from his finger tips onto the bathroom floor. His arms were criss crossed with fresh cuts. He knew he would never be able to hide the damage this time.

Oh God there was so much blood!

Blackness was pushing into the edges of his vision. He was feeling nauseous and faint.

It hurt more than he could bare anymore!

He collapsed to his knees amongst his blood where it puddled on the floor and clasped his bleeding arms over his head and began keening.

Oh God! What had he done. He had gone too far this time. Cut too much, too deep. Maybe this time he would die!

Oh God, he didn't want to die! He couldn't do that to Jackson. To his parents. He didn't want them to find out his secret this way!

He went to stand up, but slipped in the blood on the floor and collapsed on his side and rolled into a tight foetal ball. His bloody arms clasped even tighter over his head. He began to shake violently, keening in the back of his throat.

He felt himself pulling away from the quaking bloody mess on the floor. Withdrawing from himself. This couldn't be happening!

He was in a black pit with a heavy trap door about to slam down and close him in. He kept trying to lift it off, but someone kept jumping on and pushing it back down. All the people who had ever made him feel ashamed of being gay were standing around and jumping on the hatch, looking self righteous and superior, forcing it back down on him. All the people who had made fun of him at school. Called him "Fairy Freak". They were all there. Aguirre and the other three who attacked him were there too. Laughing loudly and pushing down on the lid.

It slammed down on him. He rolled into himself and heard someone screaming.

"NOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOO!!

He didn't know who was screaming, but the more they screamed the more pressure was being released from deep in his soul. He joined in the screaming. The anguish tearing the screams right up from his feet.

He wasn't aware he had left the door unlocked. Carol Twist was on her way past the bathroom to her room when she heard a faint whimpering coming from behind the door. She tried the door. Finding it unlocked, she cautiously opened it and peaked inside.

Her heart skipped several beats when she saw Mac, curled into a ball, covered in blood and making strange keening noises. She recoiled in shock and screamed for help.

"OH MY GOD! SOMEBODY GET UP HERE AND HELP ME QUICK!"

She heard the others pounding up the stairs. Jackson, Bobby and Ennis pushed past her into the bathroom as John folded his arms around her.

"Shit!" he exclaimed quietly when he saw Mac.

Jackson threw himself down beside Mac just as the boy started screaming. He broke down in sobs at the sight, panicking, not knowing what to do.

Bobby was right there with him and Ennis was on the floor behind Mac. He tentatively reached out and touched the boys shoulder which only seemed to make the boy scream louder. Ennis with drew his hand.

He reached over and took Jackson's hand.

"Speak to him Jackson. We need to get him back from where ever he's gone. He might respond to your voice."

Jackson looked at him, looking for reassurance. Ennis nodded. Bobby put his arm around Jackson's shoulder and squeezed to let him know he was there for him.

"I need to see his arms to see how bad he's cut." Ennis said quietly.

Jackson nodded. He shuffled tentatively closer and knelt by Mac's head, putting a hand on top of his hands where they were clasped over his head. Bobby stayed right with him. Holding him. Giving him strength.

"Mac! Hey Mac Mac." he began to croon, rubbing his thumb over Mac's hand.

"Mac Mac! Come back. I need you. I really need you! I love you and I need you to be here with me."

He was crying as he spoke but managed to keep speaking. His love for Mac keeping him going. All his feelings and need for the other boy coming out in his voice. He managed to pry one of Mac's hands away and hold it in his own.

Mac continued screaming. The howls ripping from the bottom of his soul.

"Come on Mac. You can do it. Come back. Bobby and Ennis are here for you too." Bobby clasped his shoulder tighter, giving more him more strength. Ennis nodded his encouragement.

"We're all here for you. We love you and we need you with us. Come on back now baby. I love you. I Love you. I love you so much."

He leaned down and kissed the top of Mac's bloody hand which was clasped in his own.

"Come back." he whispered near where Mac's ear was hidden under his arm. "Come on honey."

Mac became aware there were more people around him. He heard voices coming from far away. He flinched away, then felt a hand at his shoulder. Someone was behind him.

He was being attacked again!

Not again!

He pulled himself even tighter. The screams he could hear got even louder. He screamed along with them.

The he felt someone else near. This time there was a blessedly kind voice. A voice he associated with something good.

"Mac. Hey Mac Mac."

He felt a gentle loving touch on one of his hands.

"Mac Mac. Come back. I need you. I really need you. I love you..."

Hearing that, Mac turned to the voice. Felt himself being drawn nearer to it. To the love and sincerity he heard there. He moved closer to it through the screaming.

He felt a warm hand wrap itself around one of his own. Someone had reached into the pit to help him. He couldn't tell for sure through the screaming. He couldn't speak because of the screams. They just kept getting in the way.

"Come back. Bobby and Ennis are here for you too. We're all here for you. We love you and we need you with us..."

"Jackson?" Was Jackson here. Bobby and Ennis too? He tried to call out again but still couldn't make any noise around the screaming.

Then he felt it. Someone kissed the back of his hand. Tenderly. Lovingly. Jackson was here! He had come for him through all the pain and shame. He was here!

It was like the trap door was heaved aside and Mac could see the sun again. He began to rise towards the light and the sound of that wonderful voice.

"Come back honey. Come back to me."

Jackson kissed Mac's hand again. Then he felt pressure against his own hand. Mac was squeezing back. He knew Jackson was there.

"Come on baby boy. That's it. Come back to me. I'm here."

The screaming started to decrease in volume and hysteria, subsiding to sobs.

Bobby put his other arm around Jackson and hugged him tight.

"Jackson, he's coming back. He's back"

Jackson could only nod. He was too choked up to do more than whisper Mac's name over and over again.

Mac's arms slowly relaxed as the sobbing calmed to quiet crying. He was panting and was lathered in sweat which was mingling with the blood. He clung to Jackson's hand as if it was a life line. He opened his eyes and became aware of his surroundings. He sought out Jackson. Focusing on him, he began to sob quietly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

Jackson picked him up and pulled him into his arms so that he was holding him from behind. He folded himself protectively around Mac and cradled him lovingly.

"S'ok Mac baby. S'ok. I'm here. I love you baby."

Mac calmed under the comfort of Jackson's voice and touch.

"Hey Mac baby. Let Ennis look at your arms ok?."

Mac pulled his arms into his body, ashamed of any of them seeing what he had done to himself.

"I'm so sorry Jacko." he turned and looked frantically at Jackson.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself Jacko! Honest!" Tears spilled down his cheeks.

"S'ok baby. S'ok. I know. We just want to make sure your ok. S'allright. We love you, no matter what.

We'll always love you."

Mac relaxed again, this time allowing Ennis to gently take his arms. Ennis winced at the site of all the cuts and the evidence of even older ones.

"S'ok Mac. We're just going to clean up this blood a bit to see what we got here, ok?"

"Ok" Mac said tremulously.

Bobby had run some hot water in the sink with some antiseptic and found some clean gauze. He began sponging away the blood while Ennis gently held the arms steady. Mac became aware he was there.

"Oh Bobby. I'm so sorry..."

"Hey it's alright Mac. It's alright. Let me get you cleaned up ok?"

Mac nodded.

"Is that hurting?" Bobby asked gently as he continued to clean the criss cross of cuts.

Mac shook his head, but then admitted quietly that it did hurt. It hurt like hell!

Jackson continued to cradle Mac, tenderly stroking his hair. Doing whatever he could to show how much he loved him.

Carol appeared behind them.

"We've got Emmett Stevens on the phone." she said quietly. "He wants to know how deep the cuts are."

"Is that ok Mac baby?" Jackson asked gently, not wanting to force the boy into anything that might set off another episode.

"Yes" Mac said quietly.

Carol knelt down and quickly assessed the damage. She was all matronly and motherly now, having got over her initial shock.

"Mmm. Looks like you might need a few stitches honey. I'll go tell the doctor. Why don't you boys give him a sponge down while I go and talk to Emmett." She left the room quietly.

Bobby reached over and began running some water in the tub.

"We're going to give you a bath ok baby?" Jackson said to Mac gently. "I'm just going to slip your clothes off ok?"

Mac nodded to show it was ok.

Jackson and Bobby between them gently removed Mac's shirt being extra careful of his arms. Mac couldn't stand on his own, he was just too shaky. The other two boys lifted him gently and slipped his jeans and shorts off. Then with Ennis' help, they lowered him gently into the warm water in the tub.

Jackson stripped down too and climbed in to support him from behind. He and Bobby then proceeded to sponge away the mixture of sweat and blood. Mac closed his eyes and leaned his head back in the crook of Jackson's neck, relaxing under the boy's tender care. Ennis wrapped Mac's arms in clean dry gauze and towels, placing them on the sides of the tub to keep them dry. He then cleaned up the blood from the floor.

They had just lifted him out, dried him and slipped clean pants and jeans on him when Carol came back in. She smiled warmly at Mac.

"There you are. You look better already!" she exclaimed. Mac smiled sheepishly but gratefully back at her, thankful that she wasn't making a huge fuss over what he had done.

She stepped quickly over to where he was being supported between Bobby and Jackson. She pulled Mac into a hard, warm hug. His head dropped onto her shoulder.

"Thank you." he murmured gratefully.

She stepped back and cradled his face gently in her hands.

"Emmett wants the boys to take you into see him so he can check your arms. Your parents will meet you there. Ok?"

Mac started to look panicked at the mention of his parents. Carol stroked his cheeks gently with her thumbs, where tears had started running again.

"It's ok honey. They're real worried about you and want you to know they love you as much as ever. They want to there to make sure you're ok. Alright?"

Mac nodded quietly.

Carol patted his cheek lovingly.

"You're in my prayers." she said then stepped back.

"Ok boys. John is bringing Bobby's truck around to the door. Now off you go. Ennis could you drive them please?" She was in matronly mood again and was obviously concerned about the boys driving on their own.

"Yes ma'am." he answered and followed the boys out.

PHEW! Got it written. This was from personal experience so has been hard to write as it brought back some rough memories. But that made it easy to do. Just told it as I remembered it. Hope y'all like it even though it's pretty dark and rough.