Are you terrified?

When you close your eyes?

Hold tight to the memories.

Let fear fall at your feet.

- Hallelujah by FVR DRMS, Episode 4x10


Hold Tight to the Memories

This was a bad idea, Chloe thought as she studied the woman in front of her: still in pajamas, glasses askew, blonde hair in a messy ponytail, and dark circles underneath both eyes. The woman carried a baby in the crook of one arm, a baby that was fussing up a storm.

"Hi," Chloe greeted, a small smile on her lips. "Is now a bad time?"

"Chloe," Linda said, a bit stunned as she processed who exactly it was at her front door. When she got over the shock, she opened the door wider. "No, please, come in."

Obviously it was a bad time, but Linda was too polite to say otherwise. Chloe could tell from the strained quality in her voice and from the way the house looked.

It was as if someone had taken a bomb and set it off in Linda's living room. There was half-folded laundry in piles everywhere. Every surface that wasn't covered in clothes was covered in baby toys or baby contraptions. When she looked up, Chloe could see every fan, exposed beam, and window was lined with bubble wrap. Some of the banisters and sharper corners on the ground were lined with bubble wrap as well. Chloe had to walk through some strange winding path just to get to the kitchen, where there was still at least a week's worth of dishes in the sink as well as both clean and used baby bottles all over the counters.

Linda kicked a rattle out of the way as she opened the fridge. She pulled out a bottle and a pitcher of filtered water.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Linda offered, banging through her cabinets to find a clean cup. "I have water or formula. Take your pick."

"I'm fine," Chloe replied and took a seat at the kitchen table, not wanting to bother Linda more than she already had. It was clear now that Chloe was intruding, and she felt bad for even coming here at all.

Chloe waited patiently while Linda fed her fussing baby, letting the mom do what she needed to do. Eventually the fussing died down and Linda came over and sat down at the table, a sleeping baby Charlie rocking gently in her arms.

"Is everything alright?"

"I took some time off of work to get my head straight," Chloe explained. No doubt Linda was wondering what she was doing here out of the blue on a weekday afternoon. "I'm sorry I didn't come by to see you sooner. I always meant to, I just...with everything that happened...I - "

"I understand," Linda said with a smile, resting one hand on top of hers and giving a squeeze. It was like she could read Chloe's mind. "You're always welcome here Chloe."

Just like that, everything was fine.

Chloe let out a relieved breath, feeling the tension escape her body as she was finally able to relax. "Thanks Linda."

"No, I mean it," Linda emphasized, some of the sweetness in her voice now laced with a bit of desperation. "Come over anytime. I could really use the help."

"Aren't Maze and Amenadiel around?"

"Oh, they're around," Linda sighed, long and put out. If possible, she looked even more tired. "That doesn't mean they have the first clue about how to raise a baby. What am I saying? Neither do I. Especially not an angel baby. This is all one big cosmic mess and I'm in the center of it."

"You're doing great," Chloe assured, peering down at baby Charlie's chubby slumbering face.

"Did you know that this is the first time he's slept in twenty-seven hours?" Linda asked with a manic edge, her eyes a little too wide. "Yeah. Twenty-seven hours of non-stop crying baby."

"I do not miss those days," Chloe sympathized. "Trixie would never go to sleep. Dan and I would have to take turns watching her crib all night so that if she started to cry we would be right there to soothe her."

"That actually worked?"

"For a bit. Then we realized that Trixie had caught on and was crying on purpose just so she would be held. Then that led to more crying when we stopped coming in her room altogether, so she wouldn't sleep and she was upset that we weren't there to coddle her."

"No coddling, gotcha," Linda noted, but one look at Charlie's face had her crumbling. "Oh, I can't do that! Look at him."

Charlie was adorable, with full cheeks, wispy black hair, and soft dark skin. Chloe could not blame Linda for giving in. Just looking at Charlie had Chloe nostalgic and yearning for the days when Trixie was small like that.

Did Chloe want more children? Before, Chloe would have said that Trixie was more than enough to satisfy her as a mother. And then she thought...if she had kids with Lucifer, what would they look like? Would they have his dark curling hair, or her pin-straight blonde? Would they have her green eyes or his deep brown? Would they have wings? Would they have red, scarred skin?

Chloe looked away. She had to stop before she hurt herself any further.

Then, the front door opened and Maze and Amenadiel came walking in. They carried grocery bags in their hands - well, more like Amenadiel carried ten bags in both hands while Maze watched him struggle.

"Decker, surprise seeing you here," Maze said as she entered the kitchen, her gaze less than friendly.

They still had yet to resolve the whole 'Chloe lying to Maze about Trixie' incident, and Chloe knew that Maze was more hurt than she was letting on. She was hurt enough to move out suddenly, and hurt enough to stand guard at the kitchen counter, staring at her like a hawk would prey. It was clear that Maze didn't trust her, even after all she did to help get Charlie back from the crazy demons who had kidnapped him. Chloe tried not to be too hurt about that, and let the insult roll off her back.

Amenadiel lumbered into the kitchen, oblivious to the staring match between the two women, and dropped all the groceries down on the counter with an almighty bang. Linda flinched and worked overtime to continue her rocking. It was too late, however. Charlie was already wriggling in his swaddle.

"How is my son?" Amenadiel asked, walking over and scooping Charlie up. He looked upon his son with so much awe and pride.

"Our son just went to sleep so if you could please not - " Charlie whimpered, then let out an ear-piercing yell. Linda deadpanned, " - wake him."

Chloe swore she saw the last bit of light run out of Linda's eyes.

"That creature can scream louder than some of the meanest souls in Hell," Maze said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Impressive."

"Mazikeen," Amenadiel shot Maze a withering look, to which Maze only rolled her eyes. "His constant distress is concerning, though I am willing to believe they are just growing pains."

Chloe watched as Amenadiel loosened the swaddle and rubbed a hand across Charlie's back. This seemed to soothe the baby, his cries lessening. Confused, Chloe looked to Linda for some kind of explanation.

"We're still waiting for the wings to come in."

"Then, I can teach him how to hunt," Maze said, a feral grin in place.

"Perhaps we can start with smaller things, like talking and walking, before giving the baby throwing knives," Linda placated, her tone suggesting that this was a conversation she had had with Maze many times.

"Whatever," Maze grumbled as she exited the kitchen and threw herself onto the couch, scowling.

"It's only been a month," Chloe said, looking at the wingless baby and trying to imagine where the feathers would sprout from first. "When are wings supposed to come in?"

"Charlie's entire existence is unprecedented," Amenadiel said, as if that explained anything at all. "Anything could happen at any time."

"A comforting thought," Linda commented, clearly unnerved.

"What do you mean? You don't remember when you got your wings?" Chloe asked, confused.

"Angels are born fully-realized. One minute we are dust in the cosmos, the next minute we are formed completely from our Father's will," Amenadiel said, as if such things were normal.

"That explains so much," Linda commented, looking from Amenadiel up to the ceiling, but Chloe presumed Linda was really cursing God.

Chloe agreed; that really did explain a lot about them. No wonder Lucifer always acted like a child. He never had the chance to get it out of his system.

Amenadiel did not pick up on Linda's snarky undertone, continuing to coo at Charlie, whose cries had lessened to whimpers. Charlie seemed to like being bounced in his father's arms, his little body burrowing down close to Amenadiel's chest. Amenadiel was such a good father, and Chloe was slightly envious of the way Linda melted around the two of them, her exhaustion fading to contentment as she watched them.

Satisfied that the house was not going to burn down if she left Amenadiel with Charlie, Linda pulled on Chloe's sleeve.

"Come on," Linda beckoned further into the house, away from Maze and Amenadiel and the baby. "Let's go chat."

Maze shot them a curious look as they headed down the hall, but did not rise to follow. Her focus was trained on Amenadiel and Charlie (even though Maze would never admit it, she, too, had fallen in love with the tiny half-angel baby - albeit in her own aggressive way). So, Chloe was left alone with Linda in her office.

Linda's office was similar to the one at her practice: a neutral colored room with a large sofa against one wall, a chair across from that, and a desk backed up against the opposite side with lines of bookshelves against the walls. The only difference was that Linda had lots of personal touches in this office, making it more her own space instead of sparse as to not distract her patients. It was also not a disaster, unlike the rest of her house.

Chloe wandered over to the bookshelf nearest her. There was a vase full of flowers, a couple knick knacks from trips and conferences, and a few photos. One was old, a young Linda clad in robe and gown, holding her medical school degree in her hands while her parents smiled proudly in the background. The others were more recent: one of she, Chloe, Ella, and Maze from girl's night, one of her in the hospital holding a newborn baby Charlie, and one of just Charlie sleeping peacefully - a documentation of perhaps the only time that had happened.

There were so many happy memories here. Chloe felt like she didn't belong.

"I didn't come for a session," she said, still staring at the photos.

"But you want to talk."

Chloe turned to see that Linda was seated in the chair, one leg crossed over the other. She looked patiently at Chloe, waiting to see what she would do. That was part of what Chloe both loved and hated about Linda: she could always tell what was wrong.

"I, ah, actually might have found someone else to talk to."

Linda was shocked, her eyebrows jumping to her hairline. "Really?"

Maybe it would be better to sit for this, Chloe thought to herself. She walked over and sat down on the couch across from Linda, leaning over and placing her elbows on her knees. From this position, Chloe could easily look at the ground instead of at Linda's face.

"His name is Michael. I literally ran into him on the street, and we got coffee, and there's just something about him. I can't describe it..." Chloe trailed off, trying to make sense of her strange morning. It still felt like a dream, like it had happened to someone else. "I don't know, this may be crazy but, it's just easier to talk to someone who has no idea what's going on. I feel like..."

"You don't feel as judged," Linda cut to the heart of the matter, and Chloe immediately felt guilty. Linda was exactly right. Talking to Michael, she could distance herself from the people who were also close to Lucifer. She could avoid all the unwanted sympathy, the looks, the 'everything is going to be okay' repeated again and again and again. Did that make her a bad person? "It's alright, Chloe. I'm not upset. I just hope you know that I would never judge you, for anything."

Chloe looked up. Linda's warm expression hadn't changed, and there wasn't a hint of pity behind those glasses.

"I know that. I promise, I do."

"Good," Linda said, squaring her shoulders, therapist-face on. "If this Michael is someone you feel like you can open up to, then I'm glad you have him. But, if you ever want to, I'm here for you as well."

"Dan offered the same thing," Chloe laughed wetly, sniffling a little. How did she end up so lucky to have so many people in her corner?

"We care about you Chloe. You don't have to go through this alone," Linda reassured. "I know Amenadiel has been having a hard time with Lucifer's leaving. Maze is angry as well, but there's something more to it that she isn't ready to share."

"Abandonment," Chloe replied automatically. Linda gave her a strange look, and Chloe shrugged her shoulders. "I can recognize it."

"You feel like Lucifer's abandoned you," Linda connected the dots, her expression becoming softer.

Chloe nodded. Maybe she wasn't abandoned in the same way as Maze, but it still stung the same.

"I know why he left, why he had to, and part of me is glad he did...to stop the demons...but - " Chloe cut herself off, trying to regain as much composure as she could. It was hard to speak when there were sobs trapped in her throat. "But I told him how I felt...that I was sorry for how I acted before, th-that I loved him...and he still didn't try to find another way. He just flew away."

And he made it look so easy, Chloe didn't say but her mind continued. I begged him, pleaded with him with tears in my eyes. He knew how hard it was for me to say. He didn't care. He couldn't even look me in the eye when took off. He knew what he was doing to me. He knew -

"Oh Chloe, he loves you, you know," Linda said, leaning forward so that she could put a hand on Chloe's knee, the point of contact grounding Chloe in the moment, keeping her from spiraling down into her worst thoughts. "In all the years I've seen Lucifer, we have talked through some pretty unbelievable things, but the one constant is how he feels about you. He would not have left unless it was the only way, and I'm sure he's counting the seconds until he can find a way back."

Chloe knew that Linda was right. She had a whole partnership of Lucifer doing stupid, dangerous, self-sacrificing things to prove it.

If only she could make herself believe it.