John (pre-series)

If I stay…

Mary's gazing at me adoringly, having just said the words I equally anticipated and dreaded: "I want to get married, John. I love you."

"I love you, too," I want to say back. I want to shout it. But – and I'm ashamed to admit it, even to myself – I'm afraid.

Afraid of what will happen. Afraid of her reaction, if things moved beyond the abstract, if I really did propose. Afraid of what our parents will think. Afraid that what feels like love is only temporary, forced affection that will disappear at the first sign of a struggle…

But we've had our share of fights before, right? And we've made it through every one of them. In fact, it's when Mary gets all angry and agitated that I find her the most irresistible… not that I would ever tell her that, of course!

It's impossible to think straight with her looking at me like that. Like I'm the most important thing in her world. Like she'd like to— But I swallow and stop that thought right there.

The thing is, in spite of all these uncertainties, I do love Mary. I love her with everything I've got. I love the way she squeezes my fingers bloodless when we watch a scary movie; I love the face she makes when she smells something gross; I love her squeals when she spots babies at the mall; I love the way she pouts and acts all cranky when she's hungry; I love how, out of all the women I've met, she's the only one with balls enough – or, you know, whatever – to stare down a spider or a mouse without flinching. I love Mary and everything about her. And, I realize, as sappy as it sounds, I can't picture my future without her in it.

"Mary Campbell," I say, forgetting to feel foolish, "what do you think of changing your name to Winchester?"