Disclaimer: C'mon, you KNOW I don't own shit.

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Welcome back! Tonight, we hold discussion about one of wrestling's greatest high-fliers, not to mention one of the most entertaining and popular wrestlers of our time—it's RVD! Here we go!


Rob Van Dam, real name, Jean-Claude Van Robert, grew up on the mean streets of Battle Creek, Michigan. Known for being the home of Kellogg's cereal, young Rob was constantly harassed and pursued by the Honey Smack's gang, Captain Crunch's Crew, and of course Franken-Berry and his marshmallow hoes. But Rob had something that would keep him off the streets, namely learning how to do the splits in tight spandex shorts. At the age of 14, he saw his first Chuck Norris movie. That film changed his life forever. From that point forward, he knew what he wanted to be-a prisoner of war in Vietnam.

Unfortunately for Rob, the Vietnam was had ended years ago, so he decided to take up sports instead. Coming from a poor family, he also had to get a job to pay for his equipment. He was the star basketball player in his school, and easily the most popular. Unfortunately, the coach decided he wouldn't play as much as he deserved, and when he did, it was in innings that didn't matter. Add this to the fact that he ADORED working at the Glass Ceiling Factory, and you could tell that a career in the WWF was his destiny. But it didn't happen overnight.

After high school, Rob went to college overseas. Unfortunately, he didn't get much school finished, as his brother, the current kickboxer champion, was crippled by the evil Tong Po. Putting a killer Algebra test on hold, Rob decided that since he'd never kickboxed before in his life, he'd easily destroy Tong Po in an underground match with broken shards of glass all over his hands. And win he did, proving that his brother must have been the WORST KICKBOXING CHAMPION EVER. He got crippled by a guy who gets beat by a guy in his first match? Come on.

Rob finished his schooling and went on to join the Army. But more troubles awaited Rob. As it turned out, some Chinese kid he grew up with was dead, so he had to learn how to catch fish with his eyes closed. This helped him greatly in the underground tournament he joined for no apparent reason except to sneak out of the military before they found out he was gay. Rob had no problems with "Generic Fighter" 1 through 4, and he even got past "Token Fat Sumo", but when it came time to face, "Predictable Bad Guy who hurt his friend" in the finals, things were going bad. Then Rob realized that he knew how to catch fish, and Marvelous Marvin Hagler was refereeing in silk pajamas, SO IT WAS ON LIKE NECKBONE. I guess Rob won with a Rolling Thunder. He also beat Little Guido in the Semi-Finals with a Van Daminator off a table.

Rob then did the EXACT SAME THING IN ANOTHER POINT IN HIS LIFE, only this time it was called "Lionheart." Without going into details, there was enough kicking and horrible grammar to go around.

Over the next two years, Rob was assigned detective missions with Dennis Rodman, hunted for sport, put in charge of uncovering a counterfeit blue jeans ring, and even saved the Vice President of The United States, NO THANKS TO JAROMIR JAGR! But now whenever Rob has crazy adventures, it's only Made For TV or Straight To Video adventures. Just like Corey Haim.

Somewhere along the lines, Rob started wrestling for ECW. He became an instant smash hit by defeating Hack Myers in 37 minutes with a kick. BECAUSE KICKS ARE HARDCORE. Over the next several years, while all the wrestlers in the locker room left at the slightest chance of more exposure, Rob remained faithful to ECW, working harder, better matches for smaller crowds, and instead of money, all he got was hot sauce and crackers. Still, Paul Heyman let Rob know how much he appreciated his loyalty by never putting him in the main event, unless it was against Balls Mahoney or another fat guy who uses chairs. Since this was 75% of the roster, Rob actually main evented quite a bit, but it worked out for him. Unbeknownst to most fans, fat semi-jobbers really enjoy the smell of chairs, as they would regularly hold them to their face for several seconds in an awkward manner, allowing Rob to jump and kick the chair into their face. If Paul Heyman could afford a TV monitor for backstage, some of the wrestlers may have caught onto Rob's trick. But they didn't, so he just kept on winning.

I think Rob went to WCW in 1997, because it was standard procedure for all ECW wrestlers to leave for WCW at that point. He wrestled under the name of Ciclope and Eric Bischoff wisely capitalized on his ECW fanbase by jobbing him and Dean Malenko to the Texas Hangmen on 17 consecutive WCW Saturday Night tapings. Rob returned to ECW with a WCW won-lost record of 2-74. His two wins were, of course, against Chris Benoit.

It wasn't long before Rob Van Dam won the ECW TV Title over Bam Bam Bigelow. Bigelow said this about the loss, "Rob really dazzled me with his flips and cartwheels. I don't think that's what won it for him though, I think it's because I haven't changed out of this flame jumpsuit since 1987. My flesh has actually grown into the material, and I am in constant pain. Still, Rob is really good at jumping high."

RVD defended the title like a man possessed. Why? Simple. Champions got bigger payoffs, and during his entire TV title reign, RVD was rewarded with a can of pudding, hairspray and one of those combs that looks like a switchblade. Van Dam now boasts a collection of over 12,000 switchblade combs.

Van Dam finally lost the TV title to Jerry Lynn. Oh wait, that would have made too much sense. Instead, he broke his leg, probably from kicking several tables and chairs in order to retain his title over Chubby Dudley in front of 300 people. He eventually came back and lost to the uglier American Male, sending him into a spiral of depression that got him into smoking pot constantly.

Thankfully, he saw one of those commercials and found out that he'd been smoking his own urine or something, so he quit cold turkey. Plus, ECW had folded and now he was out of work. Rob attempted to get a job as host of Wild On...for E!, but his ECW career had warped him. During his tryout, he managed to DDT Art Mann and hit several Van Daminators on Joan and Melissa Rivers. Sources say the Rivers' women are much better looking now.

Rob spent several months doing the splits and backflipping, until Vince McMahon came calling. RVD quickly signed with and debuted with the WWF. He was put into a match with Jeff Hardy, with the stipulations that whoever could slam their own kidneys and/or spine into a piece of metal harder would win. RVD was obviously not over with the crowd at all, as the constant D! R! V! chants drowned out any cheers he may get. DRV of course standing for Don't Rent Vengeance...a chilling piece of prophecy that really turned out true, what a crapfest. Anyway, the crowd reached its loudest points whenever RVD was in the ring, because they knew that pretty soon, a real draw would be out like UNDERTAKER, BOOKER T OR SHANE MCMAHON!

RVD continued to not be over. His amazing crowd reactions, fan participation, match quality and general interest in his character were just a distraction from the fact at hand. He wasn't a main eventer in any 1997 WWF PPV, therefore he was not over with the crowd. Not like Billy Awesome, I mean Billy God, I mean Billy Gunn. So he took his duffel and headed over to TNA.

As of this writing, RVD has yet to win over one single TNA fan. Maybe if he didn't suck so bad, he'd win sometimes, like these top tier superstars seem to be doing on a regular basis. Until then, RVD will toil in the opening matches, garnering huge crowd pops and chants, which of course is just them secretly cheering for Karen Angle.

Oh yeah, did I mention how awesome she is? Bound for Glory Prediction: Karen pins RVD.

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