Chapter 4

The train car was empty as they stepped into it, and already Ritsu could see how this wouldn't be good for him. The fifteen-year-old in him practically vibrated with the excitement of what they were doing, but the older more mature person he should have been knew better.

Saga had already had their tickets on hand, so Ritsu wondered if he'd been preparing for this little trip of theirs long before he'd actually asked Ritsu to come with him.

On one hand it was a relief that there weren't many people to witness their crime―skipping school was definitely the most rebellious thing his younger self had ever done. On the other hand, this version of Saga-senpai was much less reluctant about keeping the physical contact between them at a minimum, at least as far as Ritsu remembered, but at this point in the situation he was in, Ritsu couldn't even remember what the truth was and what was inaccurate because his memory was definitely playing tricks on him.

He didn't remember the older boy loving him that much―the only thing he was sure of was that his head was fuzzy and blurred because it had always been difficult to think and to pay attention when he'd been around the other boy.

Saga-senpai sat much too close to Ritsu's discomfort, but his hands stayed on his lap and his gaze was averted as they headed towards their destination. Ritsu had the familiar and uneasy feeling that Saga's mind was miles away.

One thing he was sure of and remembered clearly was that quiet and somber expression, and the desperate feeling he felt to want to know what was going on behind those beautiful and striking amber eyes.

The teenager in him wanted to pry, but as always, the adult in him knew better.

Saga Masamune had the distinct feeling that something was terribly wrong with his small and cute and naively sweet lover.

There was something blunt and oddly cold about those once-soft green eyes that he had grown to love. Ritsu's naively honest eyes had easily become Masamune's favorite part of the smaller boy, so when they had met up the morning before and there had been something chilled like frost in them, he had been concerned. The way Ritsu had looked up at him with such adoration and bright and honest love had alarmed him at first―what the hell was this kid doing looking at anyone like that? What the hell was this dumb and awkward and blushing idiot doing smiling so openly and cheerfully at anyone at all?

Especially someone like me, he had thought almost every single day after their first encounter.

But now after the many months they had spent together, Saga Masamune was definitely in love and his only thought was how he selfishly wanted this sweet boy to look at only him for the rest of their lives.

Lovesick. That was a word he had never thought he'd use to describe himself. Completely and utterly and idiotically lovesick. But there it was and he had admitted it, never out loud but at least to himself. He was suffering what he dramatically exaggerated as an illness that was worse than cancer and it was a strange and fluttery feeling called love.

For a brief moment of alarm, he'd thought that the cold feeling in Ritsu's eyes was a sign that the boy had finally realized his mistake and decided it was time to move on. That was how it seemed to work to Masamune's experience; people came by, fixed whatever part of someone they thought needed it, and once they were satisfied with themselves, they left.

This was not the case however, because Ritsu had been almost relieved to see him and had hugged him. In his embrace all of Masamune's problems had melted away, and that was when he had decided there was no way he would be able to agree to his mother's terms, much to her and his own dismay.

What the hell am I doing? he sighed thoughtfully as he looked back at Ritsu.

The small boy was sitting almost tensely next to him, his fingers fidgeting with a short piece of string that stuck out from the knee of his jeans. He looked nervous and when he realized he was being watched, he became even more flustered and looked away.

Masamune realized he wasn't even sure where they were going so he asked, "What do you want to do?"

"Hm?" Ritsu looked at him and raised is eyebrows. "Oh, um… I don't know?"

"I didn't actually plan anything I just picked a destination and went with it," Masamune admitted, feeling his ears get hot. He'd been so focused on just being with Ritsu he'd forgot to think of an activity they could do together that didn't involve having their clothes off. "I just wanted to be with you."

"Hah?" the smaller boy put his hands on his face and patted them with embarrassment, "Um, I, oh… um, what about… what about the beach?" he blurted out.

Masamune raised one eyebrow and looked at Ritsu quizzically, realizing that there was definitely something wrong with the smaller boy. "It is a little cold to go swimming right now, Ritsu."

"I know that!" Ritsu almost snapped at him, his eyebrows furrowing, then he blushed brightly and turned away, seeming incredibly out of place with himself. "I mean, we've never been there together is all! I thought… it would be a nice memory."

Masamune smiled at that adorable expression and he reached up and put his hand on Ritsu's head. To his not surprise, the boy almost flinched away, nearly jumping out of his skin from the contact. He pulled Ritsu over and kissed him, smiling again when he opened his eyes and saw that Ritsu had his own squeezed shut, his cheeks a bright and lovely shade of red.

"You're better at that," he almost teased as he pulled back.

"Your smile…" Ritsu looked at him dazedly, almost sadly, something he'd been doing since yesterday morning, and he sighed as he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Masamune's lips. "I love your smile, please smile again."

Badump. Masamune felt his heart skip and he raised his arms and put them around Ritsu, abruptly hugging the boy to him to hide the fact that he was blushing. What am I stupid? Like I'm the idiot in love.

That little gesture had been just too cute and he felt like his stomach was digesting itself as he squeezed Ritsu tightly. In the beginning, he remembered he'd tried to ignore him―until the time when Ritsu had blurted out the words "I love you" so carelessly and innocently.

"S-Saga-senpai! I can't breathe!" Ritsu squirmed and turned his head up to look at him, a pout on his mouth. "L-let go of me, please!"

Not letting go, he smiled again, this time a little bit more openly. Being so freely loved by this person was changing him. Masamune wasn't even sure into what.

Ritsu leaned his head back to feel the sun on his skin, despite the cold breeze it still felt warm and he was glad for that at least.

They had arrived to their destination only two short hours ago but already he was covered in sand. Saga-senpai had been in an unusually playful mood and they had both ended up falling into the sand, where he'd rolled them over so Ritsu was beneath him and then kissed him there, with nothing but the birds and the sound of the waves to accompany them. Ritsu had squeezed his eyes shut tightly, wrapping his arms around Saga's back and curling his fingers into the other's sweater so hard it hurt.

Now Ritsu was standing on a dock near to where they'd fallen, brushing sand off his legs and arms, fixing his sweater and brushing sand out of his hair.

"Here," Saga joined him a moment later and handed him a bottle of tea and Ritsu wrapped his fingers around it.

"Thank you," he stammered, averting his eyes and looking out to the sea, not opening his tea but instead holding it tightly.

"This was a good idea," the other commented, leaning up against Ritsu and pressing their sides together, leaning his head down on Ritsu's shoulder in an unusually bold gesture of affection.

Ritsu felt his skin start to get hot and he knew he was blushing. "S-senpai! We're in public!"

"So?" Saga turned his face and kissed Ritsu's neck. "There's no one around to see us."

"You've been really whimsical lately, Saga-senpai," Ritsu noted, breathing in unevenly at the feeling of Saga's lips on his neck. "Is something wrong?"

With a sigh, Saga raised his head and leaned against the wood of the dock and picked at a splinter with his fingers. "No."

Ritsu was having a difficult time being himself, his younger more naïve self, but he tried his best as he leaned forward and breathed in deeply, finally opening his drink. "You should talk about your problems, senpai. Your thoughts and your feelings―they are important and if you keep them inside of you it just kind of… hurts, doesn't it?"

The older boy didn't say anything for a long moment before he finally pushed himself off the dock and grabbed Ritsu by the wrist. "Come on, let's go for a dip."

"S-Saga-senpai, no!"

"Ritsu," Saga lay back on the sand and looked over at the boy, blinking at him tiredly as he reached up and ran his fingers through Ritsu's hair.

"Yes, senpai?" Ritsu blinked up at the darkening sky, which had already been dark all day from the clouds that briefly parted to show the sun maybe twice throughout the day.

Saga leaned his head over and pressed their foreheads together. "Why don't you just call me by my name?"

"U-um," Ritsu became flustered and couldn't even decide how to reply to that. He was sure he had never said Saga's name out loud in this version of their past, not even when he was alone or by himself. This was true now and had been when he had originally been fifteen as well. "Would you like me to do that?"

"Y-yeah," it was surprising to hear senpai stutter.

Ritsu turned on his side and smiled at him, wanting to leave at least one happy memory with this boy. He smiled fondly and closed his eyes, "M…Masamune…"

"Ritsu," Saga leaned forward and kissed him. "If I asked you to run away with me, would you come?"

"Um," the other blinked with surprise but then he remembered the scene he'd walked up to that morning and he knew what he had to say. "I would, I would go anywhere if it meant being there with you."

Saga kissed him again but didn't say anything else.

Ritsu should have known he was going to have to face some consequences for ditching school. The next day there was no school because it was the weekend, but he wasn't even sure he would have been able to focus if there had been class. This time the two days had passed without a restart and that alone was enough to have him on edge and nervous and feeling like something terrible was about to happen.

He'd gotten home incredibly late only to find his mother completely pissed off at him and threatening to send him abroad if he started to act "unlike himself" before sending him to his room. The school had obviously called his home and his mother had obviously picked up and put two and two together, though she wouldn't be able to figure out that Ritsu liked boys for another twelve years, the woman wasn't completely daft.

Ritsu spent most of his morning in his pajamas pacing back and forth in front of his window, wondering what was going on with Saga. They'd promised to do something together that day, too, but Ritsu had been unable to escape his bedroom since his mother was keeping a close eye on him.

When he ran his hands through his hair in frustration, his palms came back with stray grains of sand and he couldn't help but feel comforted by this new memory he had gotten a chance to make with the adolescent love of his life.

This brought on a new wave of panic though, when Ritsu realized he was starting to forget what it was like to be himself and the idea that he may never get back to the real Takano-san made his stomach hurt.

"Ritsu?" it was his mother standing at his door when he turned, and her expression was mild concern and mostly curiosity.

"Uh, y-yes mother?" Ritsu turned around and brushed his hands off on his pants.

"You have a phone call? He says it's important," she walked over and handed him the cordless phone. "I didn't know you had any friends, he sounds like a nice boy."

Wondering who it could be, Ritsu took the phone and held it up to his ear. "Hello?"

"Ritsu? I got worried when you didn't show up," Saga's voice filled his ears and Ritsu felt alarmed.

"Can I have a minute, mother?" he guided her towards the door and closed it behind her before she could protest. He was confused and he wondered at what point he'd given Saga-senpai his number, and then he realized this was another thing that was different. The list was getting longer with each passing day. "S-Senpai? What? Oh, I um, I got in trouble for missing school, they called home and my mother grounded me. She even threatened to send me to study abroad which I know she won't do because she would miss me."

"I―hang on," Saga was suddenly interrupted by the muffled voice of a woman. "Masamune, we need to go now. Hurry up! They'll come back for that, let's go!"

"Sorry, Ritsu," a moment later Saga finally spoke again. He was quiet on the line and Ritsu wondered if something was wrong.

"Senpai? Are you okay? You sound upset. Is something the matter?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated, there was a long moment of silence, then a click, and the line went dead.

"Senpai? Hello?"

Ritsu had almost forgotten his homework, the exact same homework he had failed to turn in the previous week, but he found it there still waiting to be turned in for a late grade that would definitely bring his mark down as he got ready for school. He resigned to the fact that it was basically pointless to turn it in but left it in his school bag anyway.

He had tried many times to dial back the number Saga-senpai had called him from, but all he would get was a busy or a disconnected tone. Despite his worry, his mother had not allowed him to leave the house, and she had even instructed him to come straight home after school.

The moment he was ready, he practically ran out of his house and in the direction of Saga's own home. He needed to be sure that there was nothing wrong and he had to be sure that nothing had happened to Saga that could be a domino effect of him being there. For many reasons, he couldn't risk that what was happening to him was just a dream and it didn't matter what happened―he needed to be sure the other boy was fine, even if it was a dream he still needed to be sure.

As he approached the home of the Saga family, he realized immediately something was definitely off. The lights weren't on in the kitchen where Saga-senpai normally had breakfast ready for the both of them on the days they walked to school together, and the curtains were shut tight.

Walking up to the door, he knocked several times and let several long minutes pass by without an answer before finally let himself feel the panic that had been fighting its way up his throat.

He wondered if he still remembered a trick he'd picked up in college as he searched for a paperclip or two in his school bag. He was surprised and pleased to find that he could still pick locks. I still remember how to edit shojo manga so duh, he thought to himself as he walked into the house. "Senpai? Are you here?"

The panic left in him from the phone call became abruptly justified when he stepped into the house and found that it was empty.

"No… this is w-wrong," Ritsu choke up and dropped his arms to his sides, the paperclips slipping out of his fingers and falling with soft 'clinks' to the floor. "This is wrong."

Most of the few personal objects he remembered from Saga's house were gone, and Ritsu skipped up the stairs two at a time as he hurried to see what he didn't want to find. When he got to the familiar bedroom, his heart sunk to his feet when he found an empty closet and empty dresser drawers. Most of Saga's books had already been taken and very few had been left behind in a single open box but everything else was gone.

Ritsu took in a shaky breath he then had trouble letting out as it got stuck in his lungs, squeezing at his heart as his eyes burned and he backed up against the wall and realized he was having a panic attack. The little Ritsu inside of him was screaming from the sudden realization that Saga-senpai was gone and his older self could do nothing to contain his sorrow.

"He's gone," he finally choked, curling his hands into fists as he slid down on the floor and bent his knees to his chest, tears sliding down his cheeks and dripping from his chin. "He left. He left. He l-left me―"

Day late, sorry everyone! My internet stopped working yesterday. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, please leave me your thoughts! I'll be updating on Mondays from now on so the wait for the next chapter will have to be extended!