We are upon a major turn in the story, for those who are fans of the original novel, this trip to San Francisco is based on the trip to Lyme, when so many things change. I should tell you, I've never seen the West Coast, so I apologize for any geographic mistakes. You'll be glad to know that unlike Jane, I believe in rather hearty flashbacks, so you'll finally get some of those in this chapter. Songs featured in this chapter include "Wicked Way" by Benjamin Taylor, "Veronica" by Elvis Costello, and "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by the Beach Boys. I'm terrible at replying to reviews, but know that I appreciate all of them. Most importantly, enjoy the chapter!
- Four -
Logan had never minded long car rides. His mother told stories of his father driving circles around the neighborhood, attempting to get him to sleep. For now he was content with his book, some bestseller he'd picked up at the last rest stop.
He was curled up in the corner of the back seat in Kendall's Range Rover. Though he'd offered to drive, he could hardly afford the gas that a round trip to San Francisco would take. Instead, he'd been forced into Kendall's car with Lucy, who was in the passenger seat. Charlie and Maria were following them, after Charlie had insisted that it was insane to have all of them sharing one car for the week.
On some level he had to agree. Though when it came down to this trip, he was forced to choose the tension of Kendall's car for the endless arguing that he knew was going on in Charlie's. Maria and Charlie couldn't go an hour without an argument, and the drive to San Francisco was nearly six. He also knew from experience that he wouldn't mind six hours of exposure to Kendall's music taste, while Charlie's fascination with screamo had never caught on with him.
Two hours into the trip, he'd finally found a comfortable way to sit, and was somehow able to block out most of Lucy's chatter. Though he'd initially intended to eavesdrop, he found that she was more likely to talk about her shoes than Kendall's hobbies. He felt so bad that he interrupted a few times to ask Kendall about sports or music, just to keep his mind active. Otherwise he would drive them over a cliff.
Eventually, he couldn't resist his curiosity, and asked Kendall about his friends. Kendall's face suddenly lit up with excitement, and Logan could tell how much he'd missed them. For a second he forgot their past, and smiled for Kendall's happiness.
"Well, Noah was my bass player when I was first starting out. He's really grounded and honest, but he's such a fun guy. He was the friend I had that we could sit there doing nothing and we'd still be having a good time. And he has the best music taste," he started, stumbling over how inaccurate words were to describe one of his best friends.
He went on, "And Carlos, Carlos is best described as a puppy. He's just got boundless energy, which is totally necessary for a drummer, but he's like that all the time. And you can't help but love him. Veronica couldn't help but…" he stopped midsentence, his face dropping instantly.
"Carlos actually reminds me a lot of you sometimes," he said, staring in the rearview mirror at Logan in the back seat. Logan was unable to break eye contact. "He's very…you wouldn't believe this but he's very deep. And I say that because when you meet him, you won't be able to tell. He's great at keeping face. But he…well, I'm not sure I should be telling you this, but Carlos hasn't been himself for a while. His fiancé…two years ago, there was a car accident. And he still hasn't gotten over her. He gets caught up in it sometimes. And we all loved Roni, I mean, before she dated Carlos, she was Noah's sister…but he's stuck in neutral without her. And I just want to see him happy again."
"That's so sad," Lucy said, and both men remembered that they weren't alone.
It got away from Logan sometimes, that they weren't what they'd once been. The problem was that he still trusted Kendall, with everything up to and including his life. He'd never done anything to lose his trust. In contrast, Kendall had absolutely no reason to trust him, so his empathy was encouraging. He missed being able to talk like this with him. He had six years of pent up emotion just waiting to come out, and Kendall was the only one he'd trust with those feelings. Too bad they were all more-or-less directed toward his frustration at Kendall's absence and his share of the blame for it.
"I'm sorry," Logan said, the only thing he could think to say in the situation.
"Yeah, he was on tour when it happened. He still kind of blames himself. Like if he'd been there, he could have saved her. But it was out of his control, I mean, it was out of anyone's control. You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all of this. I just…I'm going to be busy while we're there, and I'd like you to talk to him. I think you guys would get along. To be completely honest, I think you guys are the only native Californians that also like hockey. He also has Dodger's stats committed to memory, so if ever clams up, just ask him about batting averages."
Logan wondered why Kendall had thought to tell him all of this. To a point, he knew it was just as Kendall had told him. He really thought they would get along. But to another extent, he knew that Kendall's intuition told him that Carlos would draw away from the group, and that Logan would like having an excuse to do the same. He was thankful, but also just the tiniest bit hurt. Still, it showed that Kendall was beginning to trust him again, which was more than he could have ever asked for after what he'd done.
"If you like him, I'm sure I will too," Logan answered, and he could see the relief on Kendall's face as he finally turned his attention back to the road. Lucy began to play with the radio, one of Kendall's pet peeves, and Logan smirked a little at Kendall's expense as his jaw tightened, too polite to tell her off. After a few more moments of suffering, Logan encouraged Kendall to put his CD in, and after half an argument, he agreed.
Eventually, Logan became tired of the mediocre novel he'd picked up, and instead rested his head against the window. The combination of the repetitive landscape and Kendall's voice put him to sleep before he even realized he was tired.
He opened one eye to the blinding sunlight, awoken by Kendall's amused chuckle from the seat next to him. He could tell he'd fallen asleep, but he couldn't be sure for how long.
"You're like a kid. Ten minutes in the car and you doze off," Kendall laughed, taking his eyes off the road to roll them at him.
"I can't help it!" He tried, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. "You kept me up all night playing that stringed menace."
"Yeah, that's the only thing that kept you up," he said with a wink. "It's fine Logie Bear, I find your narcolepsy adorable."
He shook his head as he tried to hide a smile, "We talked about this. My mother calls me that. If you start, I'm going to develop this whole Oedipus complex thing and it's just not going to be pretty."
"I love it when you speak Greek," Kendall said, ducking to kiss Logan's cheek before directing his attention back to the freeway. They were on a day trip to San Diego, because neither of them had been to SeaWorld, which Kendall found shocking. Logan was just willing to do anything to make Kendall smile.
Logan dove into the back seat and found a water bottle in the cooler, opening it to hand it to Kendall, who took a sip before handing it back. Logan rearranged himself in the passenger seat, in a position that probably wasn't legal, but was much more comfortable, facing Kendall.
"So that song you were working on last night…is it any good?" Logan said as he took a sip from the water bottle. He'd found that he was partial to all of Kendall's songs, but Kendall was his own worst critic.
Kendall shrugged, "Do you want to hear it? I burned the demo last night."
As he reached for the glove box, Kendall made sure to let his hand glide over Logan's lap, a smirk on his face as Logan inhaled sharply, confirming that he'd struck gold, as it were. Logan looked at him, the panic of a backseat driver on his face as Kendall's eyes, as well as his attention, were averted from the road. Kendall rolled his eyes again as he grabbed the CD and stuck it in the slot.
Logan smiled as he listened to the lyrics. He knew that he was the inspiration for the song, and it was confirmed when Kendall reached for his hand. He listened in silence as Kendall mouthed the words to the chorus.
"What's darkness without light? What's sunshine without night? What's every good day, sunlit mornings, rainbows without rainstorms? Girl they don't mean nothing. All those things mean nothing. And girl I know I'm nothing…without you."
When the song was over, Logan hesitated before responding. Kendall looked worried, before he spotted his dimples poking out, betraying his smile, "So who is this girl, and what am I going to have to do to her?"
"You know I'm never going to get a record contract singing about my perfect boyfriend. Now once I get the record contract, well that's a different story," Kendall said, breaking his eye contact on the road once again to kiss Logan, only just missing his lips and kissing one of his dimples instead. "Besides, I wrote the song last night, and you were definitely the girl then."
Logan punched his arm, "Alright now. You better watch it, or you're not even going to get to be the girl tonight."
"Oh?" Kendall asked, with his eyebrow raised in challenge. As much as Logan hated to admit it, chances were that in this case, Kendall would have his wicked way. He smirked and shook his head.
"Fuck, babe, where's that one playlist you made?" he asked, not waiting for an answer before he started rifling through the glove box again, finally finding the CD he was looking for. It was marked with a simple Sharpie heart, and before Kendall could object, he pushed it into the CD slot and clicked through the tracks until he found what he was looking for.
"I just want to take you out and get you drunk so I can have my wicked way with you," the lyrics started, and Kendall smiled, turning it up.
"Trying to tell me something?" he asked, the gears turning over in his head.
Logan shrugged with a smirk, "That depends. How opposed would you be to getting a hotel room in San Diego?"
Kendall swallowed hard, his imagination obviously getting the better of him, as his voice shakily warned, "Logan…"
"Logan?" he heard as he groggily found himself in the back seat of a different car. The voice was still Kendall's, but not nearly as heated as it had just been. Logan slowly remembered where he was, and opened his eyes. The car was stopped, and Kendall had turned in his seat. There was a glimmer of familiarity in his eyes, and he couldn't help but smirk. It was taking everything he had not to make a comment. "We're here."
Logan rubbed at his eyes before looking out the window to see that they'd arrived at the beach house. The band that Noah and Carlos were in, Captain's Resolve, was renting the house for the festival, though they were also staying a few weeks longer in an attempt to finish their next album. Their bandmate, Seth, was from the area, so he'd opted to stay with his family. Of the three of them, Seth sometimes sounded like a temporary filler for Kendall, and Logan suspected that he'd be kicked out if Kendall ever grew tired of his solo career.
By the time he'd woken up, they were already working on unloading the cars, and Kendall launched a duffel bag at his chest as if to text his reflexes. Logan caught it, and rolled his eyes before heading in the direction of the house. He'd already volunteered to take the couch. The beach house was large, three bedrooms in total, but he wasn't paying anything for it, so he couldn't complain. One bedroom was for Noah and his wife Addison, who Logan surmised was the tour wife Kendall had alluded to weeks earlier. She was a couple months pregnant, and it was obvious from the moment he met both Noah and Addison that they were inseparable. Carlos had given up his bedroom for the week to Lucy, who quickly darted off to check out the view from her room. Maria and Charlie also wandered off to unpack.
The three bachelors were going to end up sharing the two couches and an air mattress in the main room. Kendall quickly introduced Logan and Carlos to each other, before taking their bags to a closet to stow them away until they were needed.
In his absence, Logan began to make small talk with Carlos, who was admittedly just as Kendall had described him. The smile never left his face, but his eyes didn't match. They were somehow withdrawn, sad even. Sure enough, they rooted for the same hockey team, and after a short discussion of the last season, opinions of traded players, and guesses for what the next season would bring, the conversation became a little more work.
Thankfully, Logan had grown up with his father just long enough to remember a few choice facts about the Dodgers, and when he started talking about them, Carlos's face lit up. It was probably the most effort he'd put into a conversation in a long time.
"Been to any games this year?" Carlos asked, unknowingly.
Logan prickled, but answered, "No, actually. The last game I went to was before my dad passed away, gosh, almost twenty years ago."
Carlos nodded sadly, "Yeah, I lost someone too. It's hard to do things with other people that hold strong memories of them…but maybe one day we could go to a game or something? Hot dogs on me?"
Logan smirked and nodded, "That sounds great. But first, Kendall said something about your drumming skills. He may have mentioned something about Keith Moon…"
Logan realized a second too late that he was flirting, and even a second later that he was wasting attention on a man who was no doubt straight. Still, Carlos smirked at the attention.
"Kendall would never have said that," he said, matter-of-factly. "He has shot me down enough times when I was drunk and cocky. I'm no Moon…maybe Ringo…yeah, I might be Ringo."
"I was gone ten minutes and he's already decided to join the Beatles?" Kendall said as he finally emerged from the closet. Logan tried not to laugh at the metaphor, but noticed that Kendall had taken the time to change into board shorts. He gave Logan a look, thanking him for the attention he was giving Carlos. He would have liked to tell Kendall that it wasn't as much of a chore as he'd thought earlier.
Logan shrugged, "It's my fault. I was trying to arrange a private performance, until you so rudely interrupted us."
Kendall was unable to hide his confusion as he looked between them, and Logan realized that he may have found an opportunity to get back at Kendall for what he'd gone through with Lucy. Whether there was anything there or not, he could see clearly that Kendall was about to get very jealous.
The short silence that followed went over Carlos's head, and he added, "You know, I brought my bongos. Maybe tonight we could have a bonfire on the beach. A little impromptu jam session? S'mores?"
Kendall smiled, before joking, "As long as you know you're not going to convince me to be on that record of yours. I will check for recording devices before I unleash my golden voice."
"Who's cocky now?" Carlos said, somehow getting the taller man into a headlock. He smiled as he messed with his hair. "Asshole."
Kendall wasn't able to pull him off, but manage to get him off the ground, which caused Carlos to drop voluntarily. Their wrestling reminded him of the boys, who they'd left at their grandparents early this morning. Around Carlos, Kendall lit up like a child. Logan hadn't seen him act that way in a long time, and he smiled, imagining just what these two might have gotten up to when they were younger.
"I'm going to go tell the others!" Carlos said suddenly, before taking off in the other direction of the house. Before Logan could understand what was happening, he was once again alone with Kendall. For two people that seemed to be trying to politely avoid each other, they weren't very good of it.
There was a silence, before Logan decided to tell him what he'd been thinking, "You just light up around him, don't you? I don't think I've seen you that happy sin-he's a really nice guy."
"Too bad he's straight," Kendall answered, both of them realizing they were off their game when it came to ignoring their past. Under his breath, he added, "Believe me, I've tested it."
Logan couldn't tell what Kendall was more adamant about telling him. He hoped it was his way of telling Logan that he hadn't changed that much since they'd been together. But Logan also saw from the look in his eyes, that he was telling Logan to back off. Not for Carlos's sake, but for his own. Part of him understood, but part of him was still willing to make him suffer for weeks of flirtation with Lucy.
Before he could properly respond, Carlos was back, insisting that they head to the nearest party store to get the things necessary for s'mores. By them, it was obvious that Carlos meant the three of them, and Logan consoled himself with the fact that he could continue to wave his attentions in front of Kendall, hoping he would turn green by the time they returned.
It turned out that the supermarket was closer than the party store, and since they entered on the produce end of the store, Logan had an idea.
"How do you guys feel about fajitas?" he asked the guys, and saw that Kendall couldn't resist. He was almost licking his lips at the memories of Logan's cooking. Carlos began to offer his mother's tips, and Logan asked if he would help him in the kitchen when they got back. Immediately, he earned a glare from Kendall, but Carlos was too busy picking out peppers to notice.
While they collected the ingredients for fajitas, Kendall found a display with s'mores supplies and picked up enough for one batch. Carlos came up behind him to double the amount, promising that whatever they didn't finish that night could be used another night. Logan could guess, as Kendall probably guessed too, that Carlos would be finishing half of them himself.
Next they grabbed a few six packs, with Kendall side-eyeing Logan the whole time. Logan wanted to tell him that he wasn't an alcoholic, and that the night at the club wasn't exactly his idea of recreational drinking. To make a point, he also grabbed a case of Mike's, mumbling something about the girls.
When they reached the register, Carlos had no trouble insisting that Kendall pay, "Listen, when we get a record in the top ten, I will buy you every marshmallow I can find, but until that bit of hell freezes over, we are taking donations from the bank of pop stardom."
Logan chuckled, and when Kendall looked at him to back him up, he simply shrugged. It was common knowledge that Logan wasn't in the business of treating anyone lately.
"These fajitas better be fantastic," he said as he begrudgingly pulled out his wallet. Logan couldn't help but give him a look, as if to tell him, how dare you doubt my cooking.
Carlos popped in as he grabbed a few of the bags, "I'm sure they will be."
Logan smirked at Kendall, adding, "Oh, he knows. You should see him with my lasagna."
Carlos looked between them, sensing the subtext laced into the conversation. He seemed to lose interest, and grabbed the last of the bags, wasting no time before he headed for the exit. The walk back to the beach house was more like a jog, with Logan and Kendall both trying to keep up with Carlos.
When they got back to the house, there was a note on the counter, telling them that everyone else had gone for a walk along the beach. It was already after five, and Carlos insisted that they get started on dinner. Kendall offered to help, but Logan referred to the old saying about too many cooks in the kitchen.
Instead, Kendall wandered off and found his acoustic guitar, along with one of his old stenograph pads and pen. Logan smiled before he could stop himself. It'd been such a long time since he'd gotten to watch Kendall write a song, and he'd missed the experience.
It was a good thing that Logan had become an accomplished multitasker, because he became very distracted. As he stood at the counter, he couldn't help listening as he cut the pile of peppers and onions in front of him. Carlos had put himself in charge of the steak, which left him facing the back wall, unable to see the way Logan was staring.
As he suspected, Kendall was too in tune to his writing to notice the way Logan watched him work, but Logan wasn't naïve enough to think that he wasn't aware of it. He was hypersensitive to this version of Kendall, because he'd spent so many hours doing just this, observing Kendall in his most private of moments, when he was pouring his heart into the music. Though it had been so long ago, he still remembered every intimate moment.
He nearly cut his thumb more than once, while distracted by the way Kendall bit his bottom lip as he wrote down a lyric, before humming it to himself, then whispering the words to himself, and finally biting down on the pen to free his hands as he figured out the chords. The actions were repeated line by line, as they had been for every song in Kendall's arsenal.
Logan had to wonder what he'd been inspired by. These writing sessions had always been spurned by some sort of trigger, and Logan could think of only so many recent events that would be significant enough for a song. A part of him, one he'd rather not acknowledge, told him that it was something to do with him. But he couldn't begin to hope for that.
By the time the others returned, Logan and Carlos were hard at work assembling the fajitas, and Kendall had just about finished his song. Noah went straight over to him as he entered, and Kendall asked for his help working out a few chords. Lucy came over to the kitchen and asked if she could help, and though Logan was about to send her away, Carlos smiled and asked for her help setting up the kitchen table. She suggested the patio, and Carlos agreed, handing her the plates and utensils. Addison went to work making Kool-Aid, and Logan smiled, secretly craving the stuff.
As he and Carlos finished, suddenly Kendall was over his shoulder. He nodded as he took the plates from in front of Logan as, now empty handed, Logan reached for the sour cream to make himself useful. Carlos took the pitcher from Addison, and they all made their way outside, excluding Charlie and Maria, who had never made it in. Logan worried that they'd been fighting, but it looked quite the opposite, as Maria's cheeks were flushed and Charlie had a smirk on his face.
Dinner went well, as Carlos questioned the song Kendall had been writing. Logan may have been the only one that noticed when Kendall glanced his way, before telling Carlos it wasn't finished.
Lucy made it known what she expected to get out of this trip, and Maria promised to go shopping with her over the coming days, to which Lucy seemed less than thrilled. Logan expected that she had hoped for Kendall to volunteer, but he could have told her that she was the last thing on Kendall's mind. Addison seemed to notice, and offered to show them around while the guys fussed over their music. Maria took the opportunity to ask her about the pregnancy, and Addison seemed glad to list off baby names, as Maria and Lucy weighed in.
The male half of the table turned to a discussion of the upcoming festival, which Captain's Resolve was due to perform at in three days. The band would have a rehearsal tomorrow, which Carlos immediately invited Kendall to. Kendall smiled as he shook his head.
"I know what you're up to Papi, but if you think I'm going to work in a song with you guys…" he said, before going on about how Seth would suspect a mutiny. Then they all laughed at the nautical motif, which was totally intentional.
Though no one was talking directly to Logan, he felt comfortable in the conversation. So comfortable in fact, that when discussion started about the other bands performing, something occurred to Kendall and he turned to Logan, who was seated diagonal to him.
"Do you still listen to that one band…" he said, snapping his fingers as he grasped for the name. "Bender…no…Dobler! That was it. I knew it was one of those bands named after an eighties movie…"
Logan smiled. He'd gone through a serious phase when they'd been together, and Kendall had gone so far as to get him tickets to their concert, but they'd had to cancel at the last minute because the singer had laryngitis.
Kendall went on, "Well they're performing after these guys. I'm sure we could get you backstage. It would make up for-" he started, before realizing once again that he'd overstepped the boundaries, and began eating again to hide his mistake.
Finally, Carlos's curiosity got the better of him, and he finally asked, "I feel like I'm missing something here. How do you two know each other again?"
They looked at each other, and mentally tried to communicate exactly which story to go with, but they were out of practice, and started with different stories at the same time.
Kendall was just a breath ahead, and went with the obvious story, "Well, I'm renting Logan's house while I record my album. He's had to downsize for a while, but we're taking good care of things."
Carlos's eyes turned immediately to Logan, since it was obvious there was more to the story, and Logan confirmed, "He is. But the only reason he got the house is because I knew him from a while back. I went to a show of his about six years ago, and we hung out a few times afterward."
Everyone nodded, content with this explanation, except Carlos, who still seemed curious, but decided to drop it. Instead, he got up from the table, quickly stacking dirty plates, and insisting that they get right to s'mores.
Charlie and Maria volunteered to start the fire, but Logan suspected that they were suffering from a case of ulterior motives. Carlos sorted through the s'mores supplies, before handing them off to Lucy and Addison, who carried them to the fire. Logan found the beer, and the three musicians wandered off to locate their instruments.
By the time they made it down to the beach, the fire was up and running. Lucy had found towels on the patio and had laid them out on the sand. Logan took his seat on an empty towel and offered everyone a drink before cracking one open for himself.
Kendall too, had chosen to sit alone, and Logan handed him a beer as he tuned up his guitar. Carlos sat down next to Lucy, a set of bongos under his arm. Noah sat next to Addison, careful to avoid hitting her with the neck of his guitar.
Carlos began pounding on the drums, forcing the others to keep up, as he broke into one of their "old hits" from back when they all played together. Next, he insisted they play "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", and Lucy couldn't help but smile as he sang directly to her. Logan noticed that Noah's face had changed, and immediately remembered that Carlos's fiancée had also been his sister.
Before anyone else could choose another song, Noah started quietly, "Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? What goes on in that place in the dark? Well I used to know a girl and I would have sworn that her name was Veronica…"
Kendall glared at him, refusing to play along, but it was too late. Carlos's entire demeanor changed, but he managed to sit through the whole song, before making an excuse to find sticks on the beach to roast the marshmallows, ignoring the few that Charlie had already collected.
Logan was worried, but nobody stood to follow him, so he surmised that Carlos needed space, and instead took another swig of his beer. Kendall continued to give Noah a look, but he didn't seem to regret his song choice. Instead he tried to distract Kendall.
"I've got one for you buddy, you fucking loved this song," he said, as he started, his voice ringing out clear on the quiet beach, "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long…"
Immediately Logan's eyes went to Kendall, who looked equally disturbed at the melody. This was too much. This was far too much for him to take.
This was their song.
He instantly had an image of another beach, another guitar, another clear voice, singing those same lyrics. A clear summer day, nearly six years ago to the day, sharing Kendall's lap with the guitar as he sang every note with an enamored smile on his face.
There was no trace of that smile on Kendall's face now, but Noah went on, oblivious to what he was doing. Logan somehow made it through the song, but he'd been forced to open another bottle. With the sound of the cap opening, Kendall reached over for another as well. At least he feels something, Logan thought to himself, kidding himself that it was worth it.
When the song was over, Noah began to reminisce, "I remember you used to get so distracted at band practice. We'd be in the middle of a song and you'd just start humming that song. It had to be…six years ago? Logan! You said you knew him then. Remember how addicted he was to it?"
"It was a long time ago," he answered, his heart breaking with the effort. He knew he wouldn't last long at this rate. "You know what, I'm going to go check on Carlos."
Kendall looked up at him as he stood, thanking him for the gesture, but unknowingly hurting him even more. It was impossible to look at him when he felt like this. He had to find Carlos. Hopefully he would find him before he broke into an emotional mess, and Carlos could provide a distraction.
He found Carlos a ways down the beach, throwing rocks into the tide. He could tell that he'd been crying, but decided not to acknowledge it.
Logan walked up beside him, which earned a side glance. He continued to throw rocks, but tried to regain his breath so he could speak.
"He had no right to pull that shit," Carlos said, pitching another rock at the waves. "I don't care if I was fucking her in front of him, he had no right."
Logan held out a second, before starting, "She was his sister wasn't she? And neither of you are past what happened?"
Carlos looked at him curiously, and he added, "Kendall told me."
"I find it interesting that you two talk like you've known each other your whole lives, but I've never heard him mention you before this trip," he prompted, to no avail, before continuing. "He alternates between insisting I get over her and preventing my attempts. I'm not sure he knows what he wants from me."
"I knew it would be trouble dating Veronica when her brother was my best friend, but I knew she could help the transition. If she were here…" he stopped himself to wipe away an angry tear. "Well I guess we wouldn't have this problem."
"You really miss her, don't you?" Logan tried, unsure of how to proceed.
"Every moment of every day," Carlos promised, this time making no effort to hide his tears. "I'm not trying to replace her, and I don't think Noah sees that. I just, I've thought long and hard about it, and I know she would want me to find someone. Lucy may not be it, but she's a start. I don't even know if she likes me. All I know is that Roni's life was already taken away in that accident. I shouldn't sacrifice mine for her memory. As much as I'd like to trade my life for hers, that's not possible. Letting go of her is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever done."
Logan's mouth hung open as he looked at the other man, when Carlos continued, "I know that look. You're about to tell me that you understand, but you don't. I've never met a single person that has felt heartbreak this deep."
Logan sniffed, realizing that he'd begun to tear up uncontrollably, "No Carlos, that's where you're wrong. See, you blame yourself for what happened to Veronica, but when it comes down to it, you know you couldn't have stopped what happened. It was out of your control. The worst kind of heartbreak is the kind you caused yourself, because on top of the heartbreak you have levels of blame and guilt for what you did."
"Do you mind if I…? Carlos started quietly, turning to face Logan.
"Ask what happened?" Logan laughed menacingly. "I fell in love. He was the one, and we were perfect, and I got scared and broke it off. Every stupid reason I had to leave him, he made up for to spite me. And on top of all this, I have to see him, knowing that we could have been married by now. We could have been truly and honestly happy. And I fucked it up."
"I'm…sorry," Carlos said, and he pulled Logan into a hug as Logan let his tears fall for the first time in ages. When he had finally calmed down, Carlos began to pick up sticks to quantify their excuse.
As they began to walk back down the beach, Logan stopped and turned to Carlos, "I don't know why I felt the need to tell you all of that, but you should know that I've never told anyone that before. Not just about him, but about…I mean, nobody knows that I'm…"
Carlos nodded, "I'm starting to understand why Kendall talks like you've known each other forever. Your secret is safe with me."
Logan was unsure of how specific Carlos's observation was, whether he'd made the connection between his broken relationship and the tension he'd seen between Logan and Kendall, or if he'd simply made an observation of Logan's personality. Afraid to ask, he nodded as they finally saw the fire in the distance.