Aaron sat himself down on the sofa and took a tentative sip of his coffee, upstairs he could hear Paddy and Rhona making a fuss of the baby, Aaron wasn't sure why they bothered the baby was so young that she barely opened her eyes to them.

Aaron laid his head back against the sofa and closed his eyes, he never heard the baby – she never cried, but he told Jackson she did otherwise he wouldn't let Aaron stay.

He heard Paddy coming down the stairs and then felt his presence at the living room door. "Hay Aaron, didn't realise you were here."

Aaron lulled his head in Paddy's direction "Just came for a shower and a change of clothes."

"You not expected at the garage? It's getting late."

Aaron checked his watch it was 11.30 "Erm no, I've taken a few days off."

Paddy looked at Aaron, he could see by his exhausted face that this was not about taking a break.

"What's going on?"

Aaron sighed warily "Nothing."

"How's Jackson?" Paddy hadn't seen the man for over a week. He and Rhona had tried to show him the baby but Jackson refused to let them through the door.

"Alright." But it was obvious to both of them that this wasn't the case.

It had upset everyone when Jackson was so dismissive of the child, but he was determined to alienate himself from life. He would only see Aaron and Hazel now; even his father Jerry was unwelcome.

"Aaron?"

"He ate some of my bacon sandwich yesterday."

"Well that's good." Paddy perked up but in truth it was terrible that the only positive thing to come from the day was Jackson taking a mouthful of food.

"Aaron…"

"Please don't start Paddy, I don't want any advice, I just want to drink my coffee."

But Paddy couldn't help himself because Aaron was his son and it was upsetting to see the lad so worn and sad, he just wanted to make things better.

"Aaron". He began tentatively "No one would blame you if you walked away."

Aaron's head shot up.

"What makes you think I want to…." It was the first bit of spark that Aaron had displayed in days. Other times he would respond as if it was difficult to speak.

"I don't, I'm just saying."

Aaron scrunched up his eyes "Well don't just say."

"Aaron….."

"You all still think I'm with him cause I feel guilty." He felt really angry now, why did no one get it?

Aaron got up to go upstairs, he wanted to get away from Paddy but the older man had blocked his way

"Please don't get upset, I can't stand it when we fall out." He was holding Aaron's arms and trying to make eye contact, Aaron offered no resistance. "Please sit back down." And Aaron complied, lifelessly.

Paddy sat and waited, he didn't want to upset Aaron again and decided to let him speak first.

"You know before Jackson, I hated myself."

Paddy closed his eyes; it hurt to hear Aaron say these things.

"Some of it was to do with me Mum and Dad and some of it was because I was gay, but mostly I just hated myself."

Paddy nodded, he already knew this.

"When I was a kid I used to think that adults had it sorted and that I'd be ok as soon as I became one. I gave myself until I was 21. I thought, it should all be ok once I'm 21 and if it's not I'll kill myself."

Paddy looked at him shocked, Aaron was speaking so quietly but the sadness in his voice brought a lump to his throat.

"And what I did in the garage last year was just me bringing it forward a bit – because things weren't getting better, they were only getting worse."

"But you survived -."

"- Yeah – and I was gutted Paddy. Not upset or angry, just really gutted, I was going to have to be me for a bit longer."

Paddy swallowed hard, he had no idea just how deep Aaron's self-loathing went and it was overwhelming to hear.

"But then, Jackson wanted me anyway and it doesn't matter how bad I feel cause Jackson loves me." Aaron's face brightened slightly, "I won't live without him."

Paddy raised an eyebrow confused "Who says you have to?"

"If Jackson gets his own way….."

"I know." Everyone knew about Jackson wanting to end his life "I know this sounds terrible to say, but Jackson isn't in a position to be able to harm himself and that's a good thing."

A tear rolled down Aaron's check "Doesn't stop him from asking someone else to do it –"

Paddy Looked at him horrified, the weight of Aaron's word sinking in

Aaron wiped the tear away "Don't worry Paddy, I won't live without him."