To demonstrate that I pay more attention to what my public wants than certain Torchwood writers with an initial for a middle name whom I could mention, I have bowed under the weight of a downpour of reviews and written this.
Thank you to my amazingly fabulous reviewers and senders of hugs and smilies: EvenAngelsCrySometimes, Chaos 'shade' Shadow, brionyjae, Madame Cyanure, , taylorpatta, NikkieSheepie, Eleanor Harkness-Jones, Chalcedony Rivers, L.A.H.H., Elodin and lenceilin!
Owen – part 2
Did I really just wish that? Will it actually, actually come true?
Owen looked up to check. The others were glaring at him mutinously, at least one of them having just been cut off mid-sentence. Jack opened his mouth to say something and then thought better of it. Owen began to grin. It was a grin that Ianto would have described as 'malicious', if he was in any position to make his opinion known.
"You can't speak, can you?" The doctor was practically bouncing now, and didn't seem to care one jot that no-one could answer his question. "Why didn't I think of this earlier? I spent all day listening to you jabbering on and wasting my wishes – hey, you can't even interrupt to tell me to shut up! I can-"
A brief scuffle involving Jack preventing Gwen from leaping at Owen's throat proved his words wrong, and the looks he was getting hinted that at this rate they would not shrink from shutting him up physically.
Undo it now!
"I can't." Owen replied smugly in response to Gwen's unspoken, yet clear, demand. "That's my third wish - or can't you count? You lot are going to be like this until this time tomorrow. And I'm going to enjoy every single second of it."
He was too. This was better than he could ever have hoped for.
Free from Tosh's techno-babble, free from Gwen's chattering, free from Jack's boasting and teasing and Ianto's sly one-liners. God, he was going to get a bollocking for this tomorrow, but right now it was worth every minute.
Even better, there's no way anyone was going to be singing him 'Happy Birthday'. He'd once commented, probably at some time around Tosh's birthday, that it was the most annoying song in the universe. For once Jack hadn't corrected him, and Owen reckoned that since Jack had probably heard more songs than anyone else he knew, if even he didn't disagree then 'Happy Birthday' probably was, indeed, the most annoying song in the universe.
Naturally, thoughts like this led to a loud, out-of-tune rendition of 'Happy Birthday'. It wasn't half as bad when you weren't the one being irritated by it.
IM conversation
Gwen: I can't stand this much longer
Tosh: It's his birthday
Gwen: I don't care anymore. Are you sure there's no way we can undo this?
Jack: Actually…
Tosh: What?
Jack: I was about to say that there was a fourth wish and we couldn't use it because we can't speak…
Ianto: But that would be a lie
Jack: Exactly
Tosh: It's not really that bad.
Gwen: No offence Tosh, but you don't actually speak much anyway
Jack: Whereas Gwen here…
Gwen: No, it's not that. It's more, well
Tosh: More what?
Gwen: What he said to Rhys
Jack: What did he say?
Tosh: Gwen?
Gwen: Just leave it
Ianto: Actually, I think it's more what Rhys said back
Gwen: Ianto, don't
Jack: Remember my gossip for pay-rise scheme?
Gwen: Please, Ianto….
Ianto: Owen told Rhys what had happened. I think he'd rung and Owen snatched the phone off Gwen and answered it.
Tosh: And what did Rhys say?
Gwen: Ianto!
Ianto: It was along the lines of 'Really? How soon is she coming home?' Sorry, Gwen.
Jack: thought so
Gwen: Bloody bastards, the lot of you
Ianto: Back to the story - then Gwen made a rather… graphic gesture which I think was meant for both of them
Gwen: It'll be for all of you if you're not careful
Jack: Whoah, now I'm scared
Ianto: …which Owen described in full detail to Rhys over the phone
Jack: Bet he loved that
Gwen: Thanks, Ianto. Anyway, can I stay here tonight?
Jack: Do my eyes deceive me?
Ianto: Sorry?
Gwen: Not like that. I just don't want to go home and get laughed at again
Tosh: I'm sure Rhys wouldn't
Gwen: Oh, he would. Because he knows I would. And because he had a sore throat two weeks ago.
Ianto: So really you're just avoiding your just desserts
Gwen: Who doesn't?
Tosh: So what are we doing about Owen?
Jack: How graphic was Gwen's gesture?
Gwen: For Owen? At the moment? Not graphic enough.
Ianto: So singing out-of-tune and asking persistent questions is even more annoying than stealing your phone?
Gwen: Yes
Tosh: Agreed
Jack: I thought you were for leaving him?
Tosh: He just asked me to explain how the Rift-predictor works.
Gwen: I thought it didn't. Work, that is. That's why I got trapped in a car in the middle of a field with Jack writing rude words on my arm
Jack: I was trying to beat Ianto at hangman
Gwen: Why was there a permanent marker in the SUV anyway? And why didn't you damn well tell me it was permanent before you used it?
Ianto: Told you we should have played join-the-dots with the freckles. And if you're lucky it should wash off in this rain.
Tosh: What rain?
Ianto: The rain we're going to have to go out in to see why we've got a loony weevil on the loose.
Jack: Alright, normal positions. I want you all out there. And someone go and shove this screen in Owen's face.
"Hey, I get to do the spiel, right! Everything you lot normally say." Owen glances at Tosh's laptop screen from where he is sat in the back. "Right. A weevil has gone barmy somewhere in the back-streets off the city centre at grid reference… at a grid reference I can't see because Tosh's hair is in the way. And that's the point when someone, probably Gwen, would ask Jack and Ianto to clarify what they mean by 'barmy'. By which they mean…" Owen peered closer at the screen. "That said weevil is dancing around, has torn its boiler suit off and jumps on everything moving that happens to come its way. Which so far includes two stray cats and a lot of pigeons, so at least we're keeping the pests down. And then in the conversation someone would probably make a nasty little comment about keeping other pests down too: either me about Ianto or Ianto about me. And if it was me Gwen would put on a cross voice and tell me to stop it. And Jack would say something about the weevil being unpredictable and tell us to use stun guns. Oh look, we're there."
Tosh wished that she could tell Owen that they were only mute, not blind as well. Ianto just winced as Owen puts on a loud accent which was probably meant to be American.
"Right, team! Split up, keep together, take the usual formation…" Owen racks his brain for any more of Jack's standard remarks. "Keep your comms open and- mmmph."
Jack kept his hand firmly over Owen's mouth as Gwen performed an exaggerated pantomime simplified for the medic's benefit. A single finger raised to the lips – Keep quiet - Gwen's eyes widened - or – she drew her finger across her throat.
Owen nodded. Jack removed his hand and cast him a meaningful glance. Owen hazarded a guess and translated: "Err, let's go get 'em."
'Communication is vital on missions.' That was what Jack had always told them.
Ianto listens to Owen's inane babbling in his ear, his attention divided. "No sign of it down here and Tosh's tracker-thing seems to have lost the trail. How 'bout you and Gwen? I dunno, sneeze or something if you've seen it."
It's down here! Ianto mind screams at his comms… There is a huge enraged alien with a lot of teeth at the top of this alley and we're at the bottom of the alley and the alley doesn't have another exit! And in a moment it's going to realise that we taste nicer than pigeons!
The comms don't do mind-signals.
A sharp static noise hits his ears and he glances back to see Gwen tapping her comms against the wall in some attempt at an SOS signal, the other hand aiming a gun at the weevil. He gives her the hand-signal to hold fire.
"Oy! What the fuck are you doing?"
The weevil looks up and Ianto takes his chances and shoots.
"That definitely wasn't a normal weevil." Owen tells them, as though they haven't already worked this out. "Normally, as you know, weevils go for the throat. Not for the liver. That's just bloody weird. But useful, 'cos otherwise Ianto would have lost his ability to speak permanently, rather than just having a few scars on his stomach. And then we'd have to find someone else to answer the phones."
Ianto bristles at this belittling of his war-wound, but can't really say anything in protest. And Owen is right, after all.
Gwen shares a long-suffering glance with him as Jack attends to the scratches on her arm.
Thanks for saving my life. He tries to tell her. Again. He's lost track of where they are on the tally now. He's probably still winning.
She gives him an eye roll. Last time I step between you and an angry weevil.
"You're both idiots, you know that? Why head down the only alley with no escape route? And can't you even scream or anything?"
Tosh shakes her head briskly. As this wearisome day rolls on she is getting more and more irritated by Owen, and it is beginning to show.
"I didn't want to have to spend my birthday patching people up. Where did the bloody thing go anyway? I can't believe you let it get away."
We shot it twice. Gwen thinks angrily. She's going to shake Owen soon, she really is. It can't exactly have got far.
Jack hands round a set of hastily-scrawled instructions. Ianto always carrys a biro.
'Gwen & Ianto: go back to Hub. Tosh & Owen come with me.'
Gwen lounged back in the chair. Typing instructions to Tosh was so slow, especially when she'd been told not to use her left arm, but they'd got there in the end.
She wanders over to where Ianto has collapsed on the sofa and gives him the thumbs up. He brightens immediately.
"Gwen?" God, why can't she get rid of Owen? Bloody comms. "Jack's going to stay here and clean up, but we need someone to bring the SUV round and collect me and Tosh and this lump of a weevil." On the other end of the line Owen pauses. "I'm taking silence as a 'yes'."
Bollocks
Ianto's eyes blink open at the crash. He really hopes they get their voices back soon, because when deprived of a verbal outlet Gwen tends to go for more physical ones. And he'd quite liked that coffee mug.
Gwen doesn't like today much at the moment. Not since the incident when Owen had taken their voices away. Tosh and Ianto didn't seem to have taken this too badly, but then again, Tosh didn't rely on her voice that much, and Ianto never really showed his emotions anyway. But she could tell that it was frustrating Jack, who couldn't give orders as quickly as he needed to, and as a consequence was watching his team get hurt. And as for Gwen, she'd had to drive across the city twice with one arm in bandages, all because of Owen's stupid wish, only to be told by some officious bastard of a doctor that she shouldn't be driving anyway.
Owen has only just come up from the cells after dumping their newest occupant when Gwen thrusts a still-ringing mobile in his face.
"Yeah, yeah what? Is this Rhys again? No? Andy? Who? Oh, yeah, Gwen's police friend."
"That's PC Andy Davidson, thanks. Where's Gwen?"
"Not available at the moment. You're stuck with me. Hope that's a problem."
"I'm speaking in my official capacity here… Look, we've taken Jack Harkness in, ok? But he's refusing to bloody well speak to us. So will you tell Gwen to come over here and get him to cooperate?"
"Hasn't he just flashed his Torchwood card at you yet?"
"No. And frankly, none of us want to let him go just yet. Not when there's one of your lot in here every other week clogging up the cells and we have to keep you there until he comes along and flashes his damn card."
"And everything else."
"Just send Gwen."
"Ah, hello. Are you the person I spoke to on the phone?"
"Yep. Dr Owen Harper. And I've brought Gwen, as requested."
Gwen contrives to glare at Owen while smiling a hello at Andy.
"She can't speak either." Owen continues. "None of them can. 'Cept me. It's been brilliant so far, when they haven't been trying to get themselves killed or getting themselves arrested."
"Er… right. Well, can you fill in the papers?" Andy goes on to explain to them both as he finds the files. "We found him with a bag collecting dead pigeons and the duty officer took him in because … well, it all looked a bit suspicious, really. And then there were all these cat corpses too, and harming living creatures is an offence under the animal treatment act. I would say it was all a huge mix-up, but I know your lot better by now. You're probably sacrificing pets for some esoteric ritual or something. Why can't she speak anyway?"
"Long story." Owen signs his name with a flourish. "I don't know his real name or his date of birth, but I put down a guess based on his estimated mental age. Did you want me as a witness?"
"A witness?" Another police officer asks. Owen recognises him vaguely as one of the senior officers whose crime scenes they keep barging in on and taking over. He suddenly realises that he's surrounded by people who are constantly getting incredibly pissed off by Torchwood in general and by Jack in particular, and senses a brilliant opportunity.
"Yeah, a witness. To his abuse of animals."
The senior officer looks interested and calls in someone else too. "What did you say your name was?"
"Owen Harper. Doctor." That always carries a bit of weight.
Gwen is throwing him worried looks, but he ignores her.
"And what did you say about Mr Harkness…?"
"He abuses animals. Regularly. Normally cats, but I saw him with a dog once…"
Gwen is shaking her head frantically now. Andy clears his throat. "I'm not sure this is reliable testimony. Can you give, er, specific instances or times?"
"Err, no. Not really. This is the worst it's got, and…" Owen knows he's losing this one. But no, because there was always… "Tell you something worse. He was behind that bank raid last week. Lloyds, wasn't it? On the high street? The one you didn't solve?"
The aide whispers something in the officer's ear. Owen nearly grins. He's got them hooked now. And Gwen is glaring daggers at him.
"What else do you know about this incident? How do you know Captain Harkness was responsible?"
"He told me about it. Boasted. There were two of them, weren't there, in balaclavas? And they threatened one of the night security guards with a hand-gun and stunned the rest, then knocked out most of the cameras. Bet you haven't work out how he did that yet, have you? Or why most of the staff can't remember a thing? And then they broke into one of the high security vaults and took the contents, but they didn't touch anything else."
"It certainly sounds like-"
"And one of them was wearing a greatcoat."
The officer sighs. "Yes. We did suspect. Well then. I don't suppose you know who the accomplice was?"
Owen remembers all the glares he's been getting today, the ones promising that unspecified evil things are going to happen to him as soon as it's no longer his birthday and they don't have to be nice to him anymore. Gwen's making totally different eyes at him now. Pleading ones. "A shorter female? Left behind an earring which fell out? Wouldn't stop moaning about it all week? Think I might know, yeah."
Jack watches Gwen sink down against the opposite wall of the holding cell and damn well wishes he could say something suitably witty.
He's going to kill Owen Harper when they get out, if he can stop Gwen from getting to him first.
Owen smiles smugly, gazing out over the dark depths of the Bay like he'd personally ordered it to be there. So yeah, other people had screwed up several of his wishes. But on his birthday they had practically turned the Hub upside down and blown up most of Torchwood's explosives in one go. And, thanks to the most amazing wish he had ever thought up, he had been spared a day of bickering, long-winded explanations, polite remarks about his state of dress, less than polite remarks about that and everything else, coffee orders, more coffee orders, swearing, employees flirting with other employees, and co-workers generally being verbally annoying. Add to that Tea-boy's minor injury and the fact that he had managed to get both Jack and Gwen arrested, and that at the end of the day Tosh – Tosh, of all people – had slapped him, thus helping him win a long-term bet against Ianto that he would never get her worked up enough to do that, well…
Yes, it had been a good day.
Tomorrow he was going to have to take a post-birthday trip and get himself as far away as possible from Cardiff. Maybe the Caribbean? After all, it would be unnecessarily cruel to let Ianto go to all the trouble of getting Jack and Gwen let off only to have them arrested straight away again for murder.
So, my chapter extra ended up longer than the original chapter. How very me. It just sort of… got carried away with itself again.
After the grand success of last week's offer it's tempting to suggest that for, say, a grand total of 40 reviews I'll get the character with the most votes naked, or something of that ilk. But that would be exploitative, and since it is Jack's birthday I expect he has a lot of party games with the prefix 'strip' or 'naked' in mind regardless. But hell, I might just do it anyway. Possibly. And all reviews with suggestions for truths, dares or other games will be most welcome, although I can't guarantee that the Torchwood team will actually agree to go along with them.