Dysfunctional Judgment

Summary: Lincoln confronts Veronica about beating Michael. She wanted to talk about him beating Michael up instead she finds Lincoln beating himself up inside. Hes answering all the questions shes been afraid to ask She cant find the words to condemn him anymore and yet she cant seem to find the words to comfort him.

Michael's soundly asleep in the room across from Lincoln's, curled up on his uninjured side. He is utterly exhausted, still wearing the bloodstained shirt, socks still on. The bruises on his face are fresh, the right side of his face swollen despite the ice pack they'd put on earlier. His broken wrist is resting on his pillow. His other hand is beneath the voluminous cloud, tightly gripping a hidden paper crane. He sleeps peacefully; the curve of his body betrays no fear or lingering resentment. It seems like he's already put it all past him.

Veronica knows. She's checked up on him enough times during the night. She knows she should be asleep as well but she can't stop dwelling on what she's seen. She feels like she's seen something she wasn't supposed to see and it's keeping her from being able to sleep next to Lincoln. A kind of terrible secret weighing down on her. When she's come back from watching over Michael for the fifth time that night, she hears Lincoln turning over again. This time he's facing her. She contemplates feigning sleep so that he would sleep too but she's had enough of lies and facades today.

"Can't sleep, Vee?" Lincoln says softly, finally breaking the tension between them. One step closer to bridging the widening chasm threatening to divide them forever.

She looks at him accusingly.

"About Michael," he launches right into the topic. He's never been one for mincing words. "I know you must think that I did a terrible thing. After everything I knew about you and your father, you think its worse that I would consider doing that to Michael. Heck, it's been so bad I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day. You think I deserve that because of what I did to him."

Veronica had the grace to look slightly ashamed but she is proud, she won't admit it. He's answering all the questions she's been afraid to ask. Lincoln puts his hand on her face. Veronica leans into his touch, hating that he could make her listen to him, feeling like she was betraying Michael's cause somehow.

"Don't lose that sense of justice, Vee. You have every right to think of me like that. I really shouldn't have done that to Mikey no matter what he did. It was wrong."

She is surprised that he'll admit he's wrong. In all the years of their relationship, Lincoln's always hated saying sorry first. Veronica really wants to talk about their relationship – her and Lincoln but this is more important. Lincoln's been there for her when she had problems with her father and when she had problems with herself and now she wants to be there for him when he needs it.

"You have to understand, I hate doing that to him. I hate hurting him. Its like this – I feel like I'm watching him avalanche down a hill and I want to stop him. I want to help him. I can't watch him throw his life away. I can't just let him do stupid things. I don't want him to end up like me. He thinks he's helping or he's only experimenting but I can see him getting addicted to that shit. Getting addicted to the highs. Not even just drugs but the danger and the thrill of being caught for something like jigging class. I don't want him to think that it's a good thing. I don't know what else to do because he won't listen to me. I hate it but I don't know what else to do." Lincoln closes his eyes, wishing he could just shut out the world. "He's not going to care if I send him to his room. It's probably a reward. If I keep him in the house, that's what he likes. So I beat him. It keeps him out of trouble in the time that it takes for him to recover. I beat the shit out of him so that he won't be like what I am. I know I was really harsh with him today but that's because I think its not working anymore. He's spiraling out of control." Lincoln's face contorts into a frown.

"You're a good man Linc," Veronica says softly. Despite his misgivings, she says it sincerely because she really does mean it.

"But not good enough, Vee. Not nearly good enough. And nowhere near good enough for what Michael needs," Lincoln says flatly. "I don't think you believe me."

"I do. I just… think that there are other alternatives, Linc. There has to be." She's trying to be as gentle about it as possible. He stops stroking her hair and pulls away from her.

"God, you think I want to hit him?" He sits up abruptly.

"Maybe. I don't know. We have choices Linc, don't bullshit me." She raises herself to face him with equal force.

He's looking at her. Hurt and shocked. "I know," Lincoln says heavily, laying back down like a deflated balloon. "But what if it's the lesser of two evils? He needs to understand that it's not a good thing to want to be like me. I don't want him to be anything like me. I just want to give him the best chances in life. To have a real life when he grows up, you know?"

It dawns on Veronica as she lies next to him. Sometimes, she forgets that Lincoln isn't Michael's father. She thinks that Lincoln forgets too. It just seems so natural when he talks about taking care of his brother. That the responsibility had been thrust onto Lincoln who really wasn't that much older than his brother. Michael isn't a normal child either. He's special and he has special needs. Lincoln has to give so much of his time to trying to pay everything off that he doesn't have the time to nurture Michael's self-worth.

"I know," Veronica says lovingly. "I know."

"I hate hurting him but sometimes I think I am taking my anger out of him. It's just so hard when he's being stubborn. When he keeps doing stupid things over and over again. I want to squash that out of him. It sounds so terrible but its true. Other times I love him so much that I feel like it hurts me to hurt him." Lincoln lets out a low gravelly laugh. "So that's what it really means when parents say 'This will hurt me more than it'll hurt you.' I always thought that was such a cop out."

It seems like a confession and she doesn't want to interrupt. She doesn't say anything but she rolls closer to him. Lincoln instantly envelops her petite form in his arms.

"When I'm punishing him. I make myself cold. I make myself want to hurt him so I can. As bad as that sounds I know that the consequences can get really bad. I make myself stand firm and I won't give in to him even if he cries. I'm scared that I'm not going to get through to him in time if I let his pleas distract me. I have to save him and this is the only way I know how to. I tell myself that it's for his own good."

Veronica takes his large hand in hers and rubs it soothingly. I know, I know, she says silently. It sounds sort of crazy to her but it makes more sense now. Lincoln is really just trying to do what is good for his brother. He hasn't had anyone else to tell him otherwise. And who was she really to say she knew what was good either?

"He believes me too. I really am sorry when I have to do it to him. I don't mean to really hurt him. I don't even say it but he always forgives me. I just know he does. He just took it you know, lying down. He didn't even fight me. That pisses me off because I want him to get mad at me. I want him to tell me that it's wrong. I want him to dodge my punches and defend himself. Do something. But he lies there. He just looks at me with those big doe eyes like he trusts me. He fucking trusts me to beat the shit out of him." Lincoln's voice is laced with an incredible amount of guilt along with the frustration. Veronica winces. "Its like driving in the dark without any fucking lights. I'm just trying to do my best and hoping we're going in the right direction."

Linc's voice sounds so desperate but Veronica has lost her voice. She thought she knew but now she realised that she was really just in the dark with them. She thought she was on the outside watching. She was on the outside, but not really watching, just wading in the dark together. She didn't have any more good parenting experience than he did. While she did know Michael and she occasionally played Mom, it wasn't the same. Michael had never pressured her to do all the parental things. It was more a part-time sisterly bond. Lincoln wasn't just Michael's brother and father, but also…his mother. He had to try and find the delicate balance between discipline and nurturing. All too often, Lincoln was too tired and disappointed in Michael to understand. Nurture gave way to discipline because more was at stake. He could deal with a hurt Michael but he couldn't deal with one that was dead.

Veronica turns and presses her forehead to his, feeling his warm breath in her face. She can't find the words to condemn him anymore and yet she can't seem to find the words to comfort him.

He's rambling and he feels like he's close to tears. It's been years since he's cried and he's not going to. It's a foreign feeling, all choked up inside him. "I don't regret it. I can't regret it. I'd do it all again if it means keeping him from destroying himself. I love him. I really love him. I really do. I don't know if its really enough for him." He wonders if Veronica can hear the hitch in his voice as he holds himself together. Just. He's had years of practice, being strong for Michael but it never gets any easier.

It's a million miles from sanity, but a touch of Michael slips out from her… "It'll be enough." Veronica puts her small fingers across Lincoln's mouth to silence his protests. She knows that Michael would have wanted her to say it.

It wouldn't be the first time or last time that Veronica wondered about those two. There was something about them that she knew that she'd never be able to understand – something that blurred, transcended and totally screwed up the line between love and pain. All she knows is that they had the most dysfunctional idea of love she'd ever seen. Dsfunctional yes but enough to keep them from losing each other.