Chapter 4: Do You Trust Me?
Two weeks had passed, and Madoka hadn't seen or heard from Kyubey. She couldn't put this off any longer. Or rather, she suspected there would be better results if she waited, but was too impatient to see how far along it was. She would have to continue without him.
The apartment had been much lonelier than she expected with Homura gone. Waiting to see her again had been absolute torture, but now they could be together. But she still probably had work to do first, and as much as she wanted to stop and just bring her back, all this time and effort would have been a waste if she did that. She opened a hole to the barrier and closed it behind her as before.
It was exactly the same as she'd left it, and she'd felt a small sense of pride that it worked, even if it was just a small empty room. Most importantly, Homura was still there against one of the invisible walls, arms hugging her legs to her chest and hiding her face in her knees. She snapped her head up when she heard her come in, and Madoka noticed she was in one of the worst conditions she'd ever seen her in, even including years fighting Walpurgisnacht. Her eyes were wide open and hollow like a frightened animal's, she shook uncontrollably, and didn't look like she even believed Madoka was there.
She knelt by her side before she could leave where she was sitting, but she didn't look like she planned on moving. Madoka put her hand on her shoulder, and she flinched at the touch, but reached her own hand up and held it to her fingertips, as if making sure that she was really there. "Homura-chan, I'm back."
"What happened?" Her voice was smaller than she had ever heard it, and was rough from either disuse or a raw throat.
"I'm sorry about that." She leaned in to wrap her arm around her, but Homura threw herself into her and gripped the front of her shirt so tightly it threatened to tear. Her shoulders trembled so hard Madoka found it hard to keep her arm against her, because she kept shaking it off.
"Where did you go?" She took longer to respond than she normally would.
"Calm down, I'll make it better." Madoka hugged her tighter. It was almost upsetting how depressed she looked. She didn't want to scare her this much, but she did wonder what state she would be in if she had waited for Kyubey. Perhaps she accidentally pushed her closer to her breaking point than she originally intended.
She pulled Homura's hand up in front of her to see it, taking a look at her soul gem. The jewel on the ring was too small to see, but she could sense it, and just how close it was to its limit. And it was dangerously close, but another of her abilities was to purify soul gems, this time just enough that she wasn't going to die yet.
"How are you feeling?" Madoka asked, but she didn't get a response other than Homura shaking her head. She wasn't sure if she meant she didn't want to answer, or if she couldn't. But that was all she needed to know.
"Homura-chan, do you trust me?" She nodded this time, immediately. "I'm glad." This wouldn't work if she didn't already trust her completely.
Her grip on her shirt was still tight, but she gently pried her off. Homura held her hands flat on the ground, not resisting, but still pushing against her as close as she could. "Are you going again?" She managed to speak, almost too quietly to understand. The shaking that had gradually started to stabilize came back.
"No, I'm going to stay right here with you." If she left now, it would probably work towards her goal. But on a more self-gratifying level, she didn't want to leave. Homura was so scared, and she needed her, and it was so undeniably cute.
"Please don't go." She begged as if Madoka didn't just say that she wasn't leaving.
"Shh, I'm right here." She held her free hand against her jaw and brushed her lips against hers in a soft kiss. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Is there something wrong? You can just take us back." Homura stared down at her hands, balled into fists, which trembled as much as the rest of her.
Madoka sighed; she hoped it wasn't going to come to this. "We can't go back yet," she said as gently as possible.
"Why not?" Her voice skipped as panic spiked.
She placed one hand on top of her head briefly before pulling her hair ribbon out. "I'm borrowing this for a bit."
Homura stuck her arm out to grab her wrist. "Don't go."
"I told you, I'm staying with you." Madoka pulled her into a proper hug, holding her arms to her lower back. "Just hold still, okay?"
She didn't resist, and whether she was too tired or just didn't want to fight, Madoka wasn't sure. "What are you doing?"
"Just trust me and relax." She took the ribbon and tied her wrists together, magically enforcing it.
"I don't-" Madoka kissed her again, parting her lips with her tongue and quieting her protests. She returned it this time, eyes falling shut as she did.
"You just said you trusted me. Were you lying?" Homura shook her head but didn't speak. She allowed Madoka to guide her to standing. "Then show me."
"What are you talking about?" She could hear how much more nervous she was getting just from how her voice changed in pitch.
Madoka was quiet as the floor slowly dropped out from under Homura, but the ribbon stayed in place by a magical force, keeping her suspended in the air. She'd practiced this often just to make sure it was perfect. Homura breathed heavily, shifting around uncomfortably but had nothing to move against as long as she was floating.
It was such a simple idea. Their artificial bodies made them able to withstand high levels of pain, but it could only take so much at one time. All she had to do was find that limit, and the continuous muscle strain of being supported in such an unnatural position sounded like a good way to feel it out.
"Madoka what-" She was cut off again, the sharp sound of a slap echoing throughout the barrier. A red mark was already shining on her cheek, and her mouth hung partially open in shock. Something that minor was unlikely to actually hurt.
"I told you, just relax." She touched her face where she had hit it, a little upset at herself for how hard she had done it. If it was already threatening to bruise, they wouldn't have much to build up to.
"But what- nng!" Madoka pulled back her hand and hit her again. Her own hand was also slowly turning red, but the stinging she associated with it wasn't there. It felt the same as when they held hands just moments before. She supposed that meant she was going to be able to keep this up longer than she thought she would.
"I don't want to tell you again." She didn't like how serious she sounded, but speaking gently wasn't doing anything. And she was usually so smart, too. She assumed she would pick up on this quickly.
Homura didn't say anything this time. Her head was still turned to the side, face unreadable. She could make out confusion, that was obvious. The rest was fear, perhaps. She had never seen her like this, and could only assume she was terrified.
"Why are you so scared?" She didn't think it would hurt like this to see her shaking just because she was there.
She opened her mouth to speak, but quickly shut it again and shook her head. So she wasn't asking any more questions. But Madoka realized that wasn't what she wanted either. She had to remain responsive to be any good, but not constantly question what she was doing.
"You can talk, it's okay." She leaned down to meet her at eye level.
"You…." She swallowed before continuing and hung her head down. "Why are you-" smack.
"I said you can talk, not ask questions." This was frustrating, she thought she really had it. She desperately wanted this to be over so they could return home again like normal.
"What am I supposed-" Another slap.
"What did I just say?" It was the very last thing she said seconds before. Was she just too upset that she was losing her hearing? That couldn't be it, she was responding to her normally enough.
Homura was silent for a moment before answering, voice shaking and nearly past the point of recognition, "To not ask questions."
"Good, I knew you could listen." It felt strangely unsatisfying, not like she expected. She thought that getting to this point would be a positive step.
"But I don't understand why you're- ah!" It must have been starting to hurt.
"That's still a question, no cheating." She did admire how she tried to work around it even when so distressed. But she wasn't looking for her to hold herself together so well.
Homura fell silent other than her heavy breathing, but that wasn't her goal either. Smack! "Don't just stop talking, I came all the way here to talk with you."
"Then what..." She trailed off before she could complete the question, but didn't follow it with anything else. She flinched as Madoka hit her again.
"I honestly didn't think that far ahead." It wasn't really Homura's fault, but she considered this a new step in the plan that she kept changing.
"I..." Once again she trailed off trying to find a way to phrase it correctly. She saw Madoka raise her hand again, and she quickly shouted, "I don't know you want!"
Madoka stopped with her hand still in the air, and then lowered it. That was a fair statement. She ran her thumb along her jaw and tilted her head upwards to get a closer look. Her forehead was soaked in a panicked sweat, and her cheeks were wet with fresh tears.
"Please don't cry." It hurt to look at and know that she caused it; years of preparation and she had never considered this. She tried to wipe her face dry, but Homura winced and tried to pull away. When she didn't comply, Madoka clenched her fists in frustration.
"Ahh!" She pulled her hand back when she heard Homura scream and yank herself away. The tips of her fingers and under her nails were stained with blood that hasn't been there before.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." She just got mad and it happened before she realized her hand was against her throat.
Homura wasn't understanding of the mistake, and was doing her best to glare at her. She flinched away again when Madoka reached for her.
"Stop that!" Smack! Originally she just wanted to brush her hair out of her face, tell her she wanted this to be over just as much as she did, but she hit her again, leaving traces of blood smeared on her cheek. She just got so mad whenever she freaked out and tried to back away.
They weren't getting anywhere like this. She had to figure out what she really wanted from this, and had to stick to it. Every time she saw her like that, scared and angry and already a general mess, she became distracted and didn't want to continue.
Madoka turned around to collect her thoughts. It was hard to focus with the infuriating sound of quiet crying behind her. She held a hand to her face and took a deep breath before turning back.
"Do you know why I have you here?" Madoka turned back to look at her, and she shook her head slowly. Smack! "Just answer me properly." Her own voice was on the edge on instability.
Again, she lifted her hand and held it back. "I don't!" She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled back. "I don't know!"
"Would you like me to explain?" She kept her arm raised.
Homura began to nod but stopped in the same instant. "Yes."
"I have to fix you," she explained.
"What's wr- No there's nothing wrong!" She choked on a shout as Madoka grabbed a handful of hair and yanked her head up.
"I can't fix you if you aren't broken, Homura-chan." It made it more real for her to say it, and much easier to focus on. They should be used to it by now, having to suffer like this to earn a better life.
"Madoka no- nng!" Madoka pulled her head back down, smashing her knee into her chin. She was thrown into a coughing fit and spat blood onto the floor. This was necessary, she continued to remind herself.
"Relax, we'll get through this together." She leaned over to wipe blood off of her shin, only staining her hand further.
"Don't." She looked at her, more desperate than she'd ever seen her. "Madoka don't do it. Let's just go home."
"Believe me, I want to." It hurt, she could barely handle how much it hurt. "But nothing will get better if we don't do this."
"It's good now!" She struggled against the ribbon, panting, but it didn't move. "Are you saying what we had wasn't good?" Her head whipped to the side as she hit her once more.
"I said not to question me." They weren't going to make any progress if she wouldn't accept anything. "This is going to take so much longer if you don't listen and get better."
"Madoka please." She was stuttering more than she was speaking. "Please don't. Just stop."
"Don't tell me to stop!" Smack! That just made it harder. They both had to agree that this needed to be done, and it was upsetting to hear her say that. "I'm going to show you. Everything is going to be much better when you learn that."