A bit of a slow chapter but I really wanted to have this conversation between Susi and Leila.
"So, that's everything really" I finish as I swirl my spoon around in the small amount of cold coffee left in my cup. I have explained every detail of my life for the past six months or so, including the more painful memories of leaving my husband, my lover's death and my decision to leave art school. I know that it might seem strange to put those three things together but my decision to leave art school wasn't an easy one, it was the one place where I didn't have to worry about anything else and could simply focus on my art.
"Aww, Lulu" Susi replies with a guilty and sympathetic expression "I wish that you would have talked to me about this earlier, I feel terrible" Susi adds quietly and I notice the tears gathering in her eyes.
"I know" I say sighing as I push my hair out of my eyes "I guess I was just trying to come to terms with everything myself before trying to explain it to anyone else"
"I can't even imagine the upset that you must have felt" Susi comments upset and I feel the familiar darkness and icy grip on my body threaten to pull my into the welcoming darkness once again "Have you ever spoke to a doctor about it? You know, they might be able to help" Susi questions gently which causes me to look up at her, I frown at the way that chose to say 'help' because I know that she means anti-depressants. I have had this conversation with other people but I know there is only one person who can save me although I can't explain that anyone.
"I don't need medication, Susannah" I snap annoyed although I slump slightly when I notice her jump and divert her eyes, i'm surprised at myself because I hardly ever shout but i'm more surprised at Susi's reaction although I understand that using her full name might have caused it because it was a way Master always used to let us know that he was upset or angry "Sorry" I whisper and blush slightly before she looks up at me and starts giggling.
"You never get out of the habit, do you?" Susi asks giggling although for one of the first times I can see the longing in her eyes which I have seen stare back at me, whenever i've looked in the mirror lately although I know that she would never try to get it back.
"No" I agree giggling before I distract myself by swirling my coffee remains once again "Do you ever miss it?" I question quietly "The relationship that you had with Ma-" I stop myself suddenly and just hope that Susi didn't catch my slip "Ma- Mr Grey" I correct myself quickly although I know that she heard me.
"Lee?" Susi says in a quiet voice and I reluctantly glance up at her "Did you just refer to Mr Grey as Master?" Susi questions with a slight frown and I know that she's suspicious.
"Maybe?" I answer unsurely hoping that I my brain will come up with a diversion tactic but it's too busy imagining a scene in the playroom with Master.
"Leila" Susi sighs and i'm slowly brought back down to reality "You promised that you only wanted to thank him for art school" Susi adds in a voice which clearly portrays her hurt because she believes that I have lied to her which is unfortunately true but I can't tell her the truth yet.
"That's the truth, Susi" I say quickly and drop my spoon against the side of my cup "What do think i'm going to do? Track him down and ask to become his submissive again?" I question sarcastically which isn't as difficult as I thought it would be because i'm not technically lying. I still plan to track him down but I want to become more of a girlfriend than a sub although I know that part of our relationship wouldn't end.
Susi looks at me critically for a few seconds before her body relaxes and I know that i've managed to fool her "Of course not, Lee" Susi answers rolling her eyes "I just don't want to see you hurt, you've been through enough" Susi adds in a more serious tone which causes a real smile to pull at my lips.
"I don't have any interest in subbing, right now" I explain and try to resist the urge to tap my fingers on the table, it's a nervous thing that I do whenever i'm lying which no doubt Susi has already noticed and is watching out for "I just want to have a break, relax and have a good time here and then hopefully go back to art school"
"Good" Susi relents smiling as she reaches over and squeezes my hand "So, let's plan our first night out" Susi says enthusiastically and I find myself, once again, mirroring her enthusiastic grin although my mind is still firmly thinking about my task to take my rightful place in Master's affections.
I quickly drop my blue pencil and replace it with a lime green one instead before I continue on my sketch that i've been working on for the past few hours. I had hoped that it would distract me from the constant thoughts about Master and the-girl-who-looks-like-me which actually worked quite well except for the fact that my drawing is almost finished and I can already feel my thoughts begin to pull back to my plan. I had thought that being near Master might make me feel better but it's only making me want to start my plan earlier.
"Wow, that's so amazing" Susi comments from over my shoulder, I quickly pull myself back into harsh reality of my situation right now and give her a smile as I hold up my artwork.
"Thanks" I reply quietly as I gently place my drawing down onto the table and begin to place my pencils back into the tin case "I'm going to go out for a walk later, do you want me to bring anything back?" I ask casually as I slot my yellow pencil into the case, I don't actually plan to be back for a few days if I can show Master everything that I can be and show him the reasons that we should be together.
"Do you want me to come with you, Lulu?" Susi offers smiling, I inwardly groan because I knew that she was going to offer and I know that she is going to be hurt when I refuse. I wish that I could really tell her about my plan for tonight, which will hopefully include a trip to the playroom, but then she will do everything to stop me from going.
"Thanks for the offer but I just want to go somewhere quiet and do some sketching" I answer gently, I know that she is less than enthusiastic about sitting in front of a lake or building and sketching for a few hours and I hope that it'll help to relieve the sting. I glance up at her and I can see her eyes studying me as if dissecting my story for any flaws or holes "I'll take my phone and you call me anytime, I just need some time to not think and just let my artistic side flow" I add quickly although I feel like a teenager who is bargaining with her mom to let her go to a party. I giggle at her confused frown with my comment about 'letting my artistic side flow' and silently thank one of my more eccentric friends from art school for that comment.
"Okay, I get the subtle message, Lee" Susi says giggling "Just don't be out all night sketching" Susi teases playfully before I notice her stance become awkward and slightly embarrassed "And, don't go near Mr Grey's apartment building, it won't do any good" Susi adds quietly and I nod with a small smile although her worried thoughts are my exact plan and I won't let anyone ruin it. Susi would never understand that Master and I are meant to be together but she'll see it, she'll see that I can make Master smile, just like the-girl-who-looks-like-me does.
Thank you everyone for the great reviews, it really makes me smile whenever I see that anyone has took the time to read and review my story :)
all8row - Yeah, Susi definitely knows that there is something wrong with Leila but will she find out what she is up to? :D, i'm glad your enjoying it
sam5973 - Glad you like it :)
Nicola - Leila's confrontation with Gail is coming up soon but it'll be a few chapters until she watches Christian and Ana in the apartment, i'm really happy that you are enjoying it :)
girlofmidnight - Great, thanks for giving the story a chance and i'm really happy that you like it. I'm not great at describing rooms and buildings, so I apologize in advance lol
lisalilac - Glad your enjoying it :D