When Gouenji left the office the sun was already sinking behind the rooftop of the office building, as its colour fades from orange to crimson red, he unlocks his car and inhales the scent of new leather. Even after almost a year of driving it, the car still has its familiar scent. He managed to avoid Toramaru the entire day, after he enthusiastically brought the news that Robert had managed to make a new appointment for them with the interviewer, he sent him away to do a couple of chores for him outside the office. Robert hasn't called, not even once. Gouenji wouldn't have answered if he did, but now that he didn't he did not get the satisfaction of declining the call. They haven't contacted each other since last night. Robert knows that he needs his distance from him now, and deep inside he hates that Robert knows him well enough to not approach him today to avoid a new argument.
He starts the engine of his black BMW M3 Cabrio with the leather upholstery from December 2020, which Robert had get shipped from Germany to Japan last year. Different conflicts and scenarios ah had been running through his mind all day. On full throttle he rides on some secluded roads on the outskirts of the city. Usually this is the easiest way for him to forget all the stress when he's driving at full speed on the back roads along the edge of the city, the wind playing with his loose hair, but today nothing seems to brighten up his mood. After his conversation with Fudou it became clear to him that this misstep had been a onetime thing, his friends are having troubles with their relationship and he and Robert became the victims of their arguments. However, every time he reminds himself of this, there is this little voice in his head that whispers 'yet, but'. Yes, but perhaps their relationship problems started because Kidou has an affair with his husband. Fudou may be right, Kidou is a very honest man, however he had been able to conceal an entire relationship for eight years before. He could be doing it again. Should he be pushing the blame on Kidou? Robert has been disloyal in a relationship before, what would be holding him back to cheat again? On top of that comes his strange behaviour Gouenji noticed before, but whenever he mentions it Robert tries to change the subject in the most effective way possible and Gouenji is not strong enough to resist once he's pressed back against the nearest object with his trousers on his ankles. But Gouenji could be wrong, and in that case he has mistreated Robert. He owes him a big apology that goes beyond sinking on his knees in the conference room. Will they be able to restore their trust, or is this the beginning of the end of their three-year relationship?
All these questions evoke an ominous feeling within him. His stomach is full knots and seems to turn because of his anxiety every time a new thought pops up in his head. When he left this morning Kidou's car was still on their driveway because he had been too drunk to drive home. Would it still be there, or would it be a good reason for another make out between the two males? He is slowly driving himself insane with all these questions, and he won't get an answer if he continues avoiding Robert. He stops his car, turns around, and drives the long road back home. Full of courage to ask the questions, but filled with fear to hearing the answers.
But he doesn't get home, his phone goes off halfway. By using the specially made button on his steering wheel he picks up.
"Shuuya-san?" It's Sophia, Robert's nineteen year old daughter who is calling him. She stays with them every other weekend, then Robert and Sophia go out together to catch up, and sometimes they even plan a trip with the three of them. Sophia and Gouenji's bond is getting stronger, but because of the small age gap between the two of them she finds it difficult to seriously acknowledge him as parent. Gouenji is content with their relationship as it is now, he's just glad he is getting along with his stepdaughter better than before. Sophia had been eight when her parents first separated, and like any kid would be, she was thrilled when her parents told her they were going to try it again after they moved to Japan, but even she noticed that after five years of trying it did not work out anymore between her parents. Almost ten years later her parents divorced for the second time. It has been a tough period for her, especially when she was first told about her father's new relationship. When Robert and Gouenji first started going out they travelled a lot together, her father had been away from home most of the time. When she found out that her father had been avoiding home because he was having an affair with a younger man it was a slap in the face. They hardly spoke to each other, and they're working hard now to restore the father-daughter bond they once had. "Could you pick me up?"
Gouenji throws a quick glance at the digital clock on his display; it's almost eight o'clock, where should he be picking her up around this time? "I don't know Sophia, maybe you should ask your father."
"Do you remember when you forgot that I'd be coming over for the weekend and I walked in on you half naked in the sitting room with nothing more than a tie and thong with leopard print, and a tail hanging out of your slip? No questions asked was the deal, and if I would not mention it to dad that I saw you I was allowed to ask you for a favour. Remember, Mamarachi*?" Gouenji's face turns a deep shade of red. Robert and Sophia are very similar, and she definitely inherited his brains and ways of getting things done with the necessary sweet talk or blackmail. "Where should I pick you up?"
He finds her about twenty minutes later on the side of the road, her make-up is smeared in dark lines underneath her eyes and she's benumbed with cold because she's poorly dressed for this time of the year with just a thin shirt and shorts. He'll leave the disapproving look for what she's wearing to Robert, he hadn't looked much better when she found him. Instead of driving home he stops at a roadside restaurant. With two cups of steaming, cheap coffee he walks back to the girl who is shivering underneath Gouenji's jacket on one of the uncomfortable stools. She gratefully holds the plastic cup in her hands and folds her hands around it to warm herself up. "Thanks for being so cool about this, dad would never get it."
She had been silent the entire journey, but now she's finally opening up as the warm liquid slides down her throat and the caffeine gives her a little boost. She tells him about a guy, a man rather, he's five years older. "Dad would never approve of him, but he shouldn't judge with his almost thirty years younger boyfriend." She grins for a brief moment. "No offence." She tells him how this has been going on for a while now, and she wanted to surprise him today with a visit but she found him in bed with someone else. She always thought that this wouldn't happen to her, she is not the naive kind of girl, but she was blinded by love and he broke her heart. Gouenji listens to what she has to say, tells her that he understands, gives her advice on how to cope with a broken heart and together they make a plan to take vengeance on the guy. After an hour, and a second cup of coffee he finally managed to make his stepdaughter smile again.
"It is not as if I am not happy to see your smile, but I have to ask, not only as your stepfather but also as a friend; has he touched you against your will?"
Sophia's eyes wander around the room, unable to look him in the eye. "No, but we did sleep together a couple of times, but it was because I wanted it."
"I am relieved to hear that, you are nineteen and an adult by law, I just hope that you will be careful." He puts his hand across hers and two bright, blue eyes, that remind him so much of Robert, are gratefully staring back at him. "I am going to bring you home now; your mother must be worried."
Back in the car Sophia tries to redo her make up with what she carries with her in her bag so she'll look somewhat presentable when she has to face her mother. Adjusting her makeup is not the easiest, especially not with Gouenji's speed. After poking herself in the eye with her mascara for the third time a number of profanities leave her mouth, words Robert surely hasn't taught her. But Gouenji isn't as strict as he is, and they are able to laugh at it together, in the end, he got the distraction he was in need of too. When she is about to leave his car when they reached her mother's house he calls her back. "The best medicine for a broken heart is new clothes. Do you dare to be seen with me Saturday at the mall?" Her enthusiastic smile tells him more than enough. "I'll see you then." He says before he rolls the window back up and takes off again. On the way home he loses all the courage he gathered earlier today. He is exhausted and wants to curl up and sleep. He has no desire to talk to Robert, deep down; he is still angry and hurt.
"Where have you been?"
With some force Gouenji puts his suitcase on the table and grabs a beer from the fridge, something they keep cold in case of unexpected guests as neither of them drinks beer, but tonight Gouenji is craving for a fresh, cold beer, drunk directly from the bottle. "Out." Is his gruffly reply as he searches through the cabinets for an opener.
"Do you know what time it is? I was worried something happened. You should have called."
"Didn't cross my mind. Sorry." Gouenji feels like a teenager who arrived home passed the time they agreed on. It immensely irritates him that Robert is treating him like an annoying child instead of an equal. "Don't count on me this weekend; I have lots of work to do." It feels good to speak to Robert like this, it feels like he is finally in control, and he didn't even mean his apology. He locks himself in his room, surrounded by his favourite chocolate and beer. Perhaps not the best combination, but it is exactly what he needs right now. He is glad he was able to help Sophia, but it will be difficult for him to keep this for himself. She had asked him to keep quiet, she will tell him once she is ready, and Gouenji understands that she needs time. He turns on the big TV which is on the opposite of the bed and buries himself between the cushions, until he falls asleep before he could even remove his clothes.
* Mamachichi = stepfather
Saturday afternoon Gouenji picks her up and drives them to the mall, where they try different outfits for Sophia, and also Gouenji gets a complete makeover. At work he may look pretty decent in his suit and still questionable cravat, but once he's home the worst garments seem to be leaving his closet. From baggy sweaters with unfunny texts on it to tight, zebra printed trousers. Where he buys them, Robert and Sophia have yet to figure out, especially since Robert had to annihilate his credit card and deactivate his eBay account. After Sophia picked a simple, black t-shirt with a subtle v-neck, new jeans with matching shoes and tied his hair the two of them seated themselves on a terrace where Sophia ordered a 7-up and Gouenji a diet coke. Sophia is very similar to her father, not only is the resemblance striking such as the blue eyes and her smile that reminds Gouenji of his husband, but it is also the way of talking, her humour and endless patience. Of course he had to reduce his amount of sexually suggestive jokes, but Gouenji can't help but slide his arm around her waist when another saleswoman mistakes them for a couple.
"I didn't think that my dad's boyfriend would be this cool." She says between bites of her chocolate muffin. "You're so very different from mom."
"And I had no idea that having an adolescent stepdaughter on the age of twenty-seven would be this much fun." Sophia playfully kicks his shin under the table. "Mom always said these nasty things about you; it's quite something that the man you had over for dinner turns out to be your husband's lover, who is also thirty years younger than him. I really hadn't seen that coming."
"It was your father's idea, but I am deeply ashamed. Hindsight, coming over for dinner multiple times even is very impolite."
Sophia bursts out in laughter. "You and feeling ashamed? You were just walking around half naked through the store pretending to be a disabled person who was looking for his companion. I felt so embarrassed; you were having the time of your life." She puts her drink down and plays with the transparent straw that pops out the bottle. "But seriously, I hated you. I saw you as the reason that my parents were separating, although I knew that dad was unhappy. He is so different, so full of life, when he's standing next to you. Of course the age difference is a little weird, I had to get used to it, but now I kinda like to have a gay stepdad with whom I can shop, and call when my boyfriend dumps me." She chuckles softly. "What was especially difficult was seeing dad with you so much, I felt like he was forgetting me. It has been like that, even before they divorced, if it's not you then he's completely caught up in his work. I was eight when dad had a complete burn out. He barely ate, was depressed, he even lacked the energy to work. Because of the stress he developed cardiac problems; he was constantly at the hospital. That was the toughest period of my childhood; I couldn't see him because I was too young and lived with my mother. It happened just after the separation." Sophia's voice is much softer now. "Every time the phone rang I was scared that it was the hospital with the news that dad passed."
Gouenji swallows hard and puts his hand on Sophia's to give it an encouraging squeeze. "I am really glad you came in his life, Shuuya-san, he was so miserable. If it hadn't been for you, dad could have sunk back in his depression, and who knows what could have happened. He might not even have been here anymore. Dad is a new man, and he's happy now, and that's because of you." Gouenji has to swallow back his tears; he doesn't deserve these kind words. He is not making Robert happy now, and it makes him feel guilty. From the corner of his eye he sees two familiar faces passing them. A girl with pink braids, and a guy with dark blue hair. They are holding hands. Gouenji immediately gets up from his chair. "Is that Yuuka-chan?" Sophia asks curiously. "She has grown since the last time I saw her, that was on your wedding. And isn't that your stepbrother?" She gives him a questioning look, but when she sees his facial expression she knows the answers.
"I am going to follow them."
"Shuuya-san!" She rushes after him through the shopping centre, moving from plan to wall to keep a close eye on the couple from a safe distance. Obviously the two of them are unaware that they're being followed. When Toramaru leans in for a kiss on Yuuka's lips Gouenji makes strangling motions with his hands. They would be in big trouble if his assistant's neck had truly been there. "What's the problem? They are not related by blood, and you can't help who you fall in love with." Sophia puts her hand on her stepfather's shoulder. Now she understands what her father meant with that he can be very unreasonable and childish for his age when things don't go his way.
"The problem is that someone is touching my little sister without my knowledge."
"She is not a teenager anymore, and she doesn't need your protection." She sighs. "If she is anything like her brother then she will be fine on her own. If there's something bothering her she will come to you. And I've met him; he's a good guy."
"You don't know him like I do."
"You gave him a job as your personal assistant. Hey," she makes her stepfather turn around so he's facing her again, and holds him tightly by his shoulders. "let it go. By the way, as it looks like now, they totally hooked up already. There is no going back now."
Gouenji's face heathens up and whilst laughing Sophia holds him by his waist so he can't run after his younger siblings and can't throw Toramaru over the edge of the fountain. "You have a family dinner with them tonight, you can't murder him now!"
With a kiss on the cheek as a goodbye Sophia leaves the car after he brought her home. He sent Robert a message that he won't return home before dinner and they'll meet at the restaurant. The family tradition was revived and the whole family comes together every two months in Utsunomiya's restyled restaurant, where Toramaru still has a part time job. It is an understatement that Gouenji doesn't feel like socialising with the family tonight. He and Robert still haven't made up, or argued, so the atmosphere will be far from optimal. He wants to get everything out of the way with Robert; he misses him with his whole heart. The calls and text messages during the day, the nice touches when he arrives home, and Robert's strong arms around him when they're cuddling in bed. But the words 'I am sorry' are unable to leave his lips. Why should he be sorry? He is not the one who cheated.
But he could apologise for drawing conclusions way too fast, he could say sorry for yelling at him, not believing him, and forbidding him from entering their bedroom. He is avoiding the confrontation because he is afraid of what will follow, but his evasive behaviour is exactly what is driving them apart. An argument is inevitable at this point; the tension between them is getting stronger without even saying a word to each other. Robert also makes no effort in contacting him, and that troubles him more than anything else.
Gouenji enters the restaurant, late as usual, but that was only because when he first arrived it had been together with Robert, so he quickly drove past the building and waited for ten minutes on a safe distance until he finally dared to leave his car. Robert questionably quirked an eyebrow when he saw Gouenji's new clothes, but he didn't mention it. They greeting had not been more than a brief kiss on the cheek to keep up the appearances for the family. Apparently neither of them was planning to let the family in on their problems. Robert behaved excellently and occupied himself with deep conversations with Gouenji's father, as usual. But they all found it rather strange when Gouenji ordered a roasted duck, because he and Robert switched to a vegetarian diet a couple of months ago and turned into strict vegetarians. Robert thought it was healthier for the both of them, and with his cooking skills the missing meat is no loss, but Gouenji wanted to play a nasty trick on his husband.
"Oh, Nii-san, I saw you at the mall today!" Toramaru notes during the main course. "I wasn't sure if it was you at first, because you looked so different, but when I saw you walk in with your new clothes just now I was sure!" Gouenji tries to end the subject by answering with an indifferent 'could be', but apparently his stepbrother had not been done yet. "You were there with a young woman, but I couldn't see who it was. You seemed to be having a lot of fun together!"
Gouenji can feel Robert's piercing eyes on him but he refuses to look up from his dish. He told him that he'd be at the office the entire day. Of course he thought it was strange that Gouenji showed up with a complete new outfit, but Toramaru is making it worse for him. "Now that you mention it, I saw you too." Gouenji straightens his back and looks Toramaru and his sister in the eye. "You seemed to be having a very good time as well." This time Toramaru and Yuuka are turning red in shame, and his own father's cheeks are turning darker too. They will be in trouble for sure, but he is more worried about his own problems once they get home.
Before they start with dessert Robert excuses himself, and immediately all the heads turn to Gouenji. They all want to know what is going on between the usual very cheerful couple, since they both seem to be in a bad mood. Gouenji thought that they were acting nicely upon their not agreed play, but apparently the whole family already noticed that something was off. Gouenji explained that Robert had a tough day and he was just a little tired, nothing more to it. When Robert returned the charade continued, and this time the whole family was participating. Gouenji realised too now how distant they were, yes they were friendly with each other and Gouenji passed the salt when Robert asked for it, but they didn't have any other contact, and conversations they had concluded with vicious accusations and comments to each other. Gouenji wonders whether Someoka's parents had communicated together like them before they parted. The way Robert and Gouenji are interacting with each other, they seem to be on the verge of a divorce.
It's quiet in the living room, apart from Gouenji's typing on his keyboard and Robert occasionally turning a page. The couple drove back separately in their own cars and once they arrived home they went their own ways. They're in the same room, but it's almost like they aren't there. Robert is seated on the sofa with a memoir from one of his favourite photographers, and Gouenji is working on his laptop. He still needs to get some work done. Fudou is quite behind on the paperwork for Resistance Japan, and he is getting tired of having to remind the coach over and over again that he has more task than yelling at those kids. It is difficult for him to get in touch with Fudou, or Kidou. If Fudou was in pain after their conversation when he found out it was his boyfriend who cheated on him with Robert he hid that extremely well. On the other hand, that's Fudou. He doubts that he will ever know how Fudou honestly felt on the way home with the plan to give Kidou quite a scare with ice cold water. How would it have been for Fudou to see his boyfriend come home drunk when he got home that night? Did he laugh because Kidou gets more talkative and especially horny when he's drunk? And the next morning when Fudou furiously returned, did they fight? Of course they did, Fudou is not like Gouenji, he doesn't back down from a conflict. It must have been a heavy fight, those two argue over the littlest things. And after the argument, what happened then?
The sound of his phone interrupts the uncomfortable silence. Spoken of the devil, it's Fudou. Gouenji glances at Robert's direction, and he stares right back at him, alarmed by the noise of Gouenji's ringtone. He is not in the mood for this, Robert doesn't have to eavesdrop every conversation, and moreover, this is work related. He grabs his phone and heads to their home office for some privacy.
"I just wanted to call you," he starts the conversation once he picked up. "I am still missing some results from at least half of the team members. I asked you to keep track of their individual progress since they joined Resistance Japan, and I expected it to be done a couple of days ago. Are you almost finished?"
"Yeah, 'bout that, I called to let you know I'm resigning as coach. I'm moving back to Italy."
"Why?" Gouenji asks after a long silence.
"Yuuto and I broke up. It didn't work out anymore." Gouenji is shocked; he doesn't know how to react. The news is like a slap in his face. Could this be because Kidou cheated? No, Fudou told him that it had not been working for them for a while now, and that's why Kidou visited that night after all. He needed Gouenji's advice about his relationship with Fudou. Like Gouenji already concluded, the couple did fight. He didn't get a lot of details from Fudou, but whichever way they looked at it, they could only come with one solution for their problems. They had to separate. "Could you tell Kageyama-san please? I need to start packing my bags. I am leaving as soon as possible."
After their conversation on the phone Gouenji locks himself in their bedroom and crawls underneath the covers. In the dark, his thoughts were running through his mind on full speed. He must admit it, when Robert and Gouenji had been nothing more than an exciting affair he often wished that Kidou and Fudou would break up. He would then support him as his best friend, and in a moment of weakness he'd take his chance to conquer him. The chance he 'missed' when Kidou came for support, but not Gouenji but Robert opened the door. Deep inside Gouenji is relieved that he hadn't been home that day, who knows what he might have done in his own moment of weakness if Kidou had kissed him. He feels nothing for Kidou anymore and he doesn't want do feel anything for him. He is happy with Robert. He turns on his other side once more. He was happy with Robert. More than anything he'd like to jump out of his bed and rush into Robert's arms, but his stubbornness keeps him in bed. He's still so enraged, so broken on the inside. He still hasn't figured out yet how to cope with what happened. So he stays where he is, alone in the dark in their huge bed, for the fifth night in a row. Their bed, in which the cushions smell like Robert and the warmth of his body is missing. He didn't even wish him goodnight.
Gouenji is an even bigger wreck than usual the next morning. He woke up, his body sticky with sweat, after several nightmares. He remembers that he and Robert had a fight, and he fled the house. When he came back to settle things with him, it had been suspiciously quiet around the house. Suddenly he was standing in front of their bedroom door; soft moaning could be heard coming from the other side of the closed door. The door slowly opened by itself and all Gouenji could see first was Robert's bare back; he was on top of someone. His first thought was Kidou, but when he looked closer he saw the face of his own mother who was clinging on Robert's body and crying out in pleasure after each thrust. Fortunately for him, the shock had been so big that he immediately woke up. He was exhausted, completely broken, and too anxious to go back to sleep after that horrifying dream. There was no Robert to cling on, so he lay alone in the dark, waiting until the alarm finally went off and he had to drag himself out of bed to take a shower.
Gouenji is drained, he read the same sentence thrice but he can't bring his focus to it. On his desk there's a big pile of work that seems to increase every hour. He still has to call Kuroiwa to inform him about Fudou, but if there is anything he is not in the mood for then it's listening to Kuroiwa scolding on the phone about how incompatible Fudou is for leaving his work behind. He himself had assigned him as coach of Resistance Japan, talking about being hypocrite. Every time he thinks of Fudou the knot in his stomach grows bigger and heavier, he feels guilty about their break up. Fudou assured him that their separation had nothing to do with him or Robert, but Gouenji can't shake the unpleasant feeling. The rain is ticking hard against his office window; the drops are flowing down over the glass. It has been dark and grey outside since he got up this morning. Despite the gloomy weather it brings him back to happy memories, when Robert took him for a trip to London.
It had been another one of Robert's surprises, a weekend getaway in October. He can't recall if it had been a special occasion, but Robert and Gouenji always had something to celebrate. Only to their regret it had rained the entire weekend. Nevertheless, the married couple finished their guidebook with clichés to visit. They had seen the clock tower of the Palace of Westminster and enjoyed a romantic right in the 135 meter high Ferris wheel the London Eye (after surviving the queue of almost one and a half hour). The long wait had been worth it, the view was breathtaking despite the rain and sky as grey as Robert's hair.
After an afternoon tea from about 70 pounds per person their next visitation had been at the famous Shakespeare Theatre the Globe, because Robert, with his cultural interests had always wanted to see the famous theatre. They had a dinner reservation at the Aqua Shard, located on the 31st floor of The Shard, in which they serve innovative contemporary British cuisine and boasts breathtaking views from its restaurant. There hadn't been enough time to go all the way up to the 69st floor, because Robert arranged tickets for the match of West Ham United FC, the football club where Edgar Valtinas now plays as ace striker.
They saved shopping at Westfield London for last, in the hope that it would clear up, but they had to find their way through the hurried Britons with countless umbrellas. The last surprise came Sunday morning, a chocolate and coffee tour of Nothing Hill. Three and a half hour long it was a leisurely walking tour where they could sit at each location they visited, sampling bars, truffles, brownie, biscuits and coffee.
Did you know coffee was originally eaten, and chocolate was originally only drunk? They ate and drank both with coffee from some of the finest small-batch roasters, brewed by talented baristas and handmade chocolates, and hot chocolate from chocolatiers from around the world. They started with the focus on coffee, then moved to chocolate, and it got even better; there was an opportunity for even more coffee if they wanted, until by the end of the tour they could not fit another piece of chocolate or sip of coffee.
The buzzer of his work phone jolts Gouenji from his daydream about chocolate and Robert, and his mood is immediately worse than before. "Toramaru, when I said that I'd make a new cravat from your hair if you would bother me I meant it." His irritated voice bawls through the microphone.
"I am sorry to bother you, Kaicho, but there is someone who wants to speak to you. He says that it's urgent." Says a female voice. He forgot that it's Toramaru's day off. Gouenji sighs deeply. "Who is it?"
"Nikaidou Shuugo-san, sir."
Gouenji leans back on his chair with a broad grin on his face after he instructed his assistant to send him to his office. So his old coach is back in town and has some urgent business to discuss with him, hm? Finally some good news. This could be interesting.
"It has been a while, coach Nikaidou." He welcomes the man in his office. When the purple-blue haired man enters Gouenji notes that he hasn't changed much. He has aged, but they all have in the past fifteen years, and time seems to be suiting his old coach well. It helps him remember that he had been in love once before he fell for Kidou, he had had a major crush on his coach, and seeing him here in his own office awakens old, formerly buried, longing feelings inside of him.
"The last time I saw you, you put me out of my position as coach for Kidokawa Seishuu, and you left the team in the hands of Afuro Terumi."
"I did not put you out of your function, I tried to protect your job, I was trying to protect football. I put Aphrodi on the team because I trust his soccer. He is strong willed, trustful and perspective. I had foreseen that he would be the right man to bring back the team spirit Kidokawa had lost. In addition, I made sure that you and your family were safe by sending you to a region where the influence of the Fifth Sector was still minimal."
"And I am still grateful to you." Nikaidou bows politely with a friendly smile on his face. "But I am here to request my old position as coach of Kidokawa Seishuu."
"I will see that I can do for you." Gouenji is about to take a note of it in his calendar to remind himself of this matter once he's finished with all his overdue work, when Nikaidou rushes towards him.
"Please Gouenji, I am asking you as an old friend. I need my job back."
"What is wrong with your current position?" His voice is doubtful. "What exactly is bringing you back here?"
His former coach slumbers in the chair on the other side of the desk; he suddenly seems older, and miserable. "I am in the middle of a divorce, and I need money. I gave her almost everything I had so I could break free from the whole lawsuit as soon as possible. Please, Gouenji, don't just think about it. I would do anything to get my job back." He places his hand on top of Gouenji's smaller hand. "Anything."
Gouenji stares at him, he is confused. This man has been his fantasy since he was thirteen years old. His brown eyes, his purple-blue hair mixed with stripes of grey, he had always wondered how that would look on his chest. His unkempt appearance. This man has something so ordinary that it caught Gouenji's interest. Besides Kidou, and Robert of course, he never had feelings for someone before that went beyond lust. And now that man is standing in front of him, prepared to do anything to get his job back. Gouenji rises slowly from his chair, walking around his own desk, and never breaking eye contact with his former coach. He positions himself on his own desk, right next to the chair the other man is sitting in, and guides Nikaidou's hand to his thigh.
"I am very occupied as Chairman, but I think I could make an exception for my old tutor. After all you taught me about football; it might be time to return the favour." He calls his assistant to inform her that he wishes to not be disturbed for the next hours, and gives his full attention to his coach.
Not long after he's half naked, pushed back on his desk and all of his paper work is spread around the room. His bare leg wraps around Nikaidou's waist while the older man takes off his shirt. Nikaidou is exactly how he imagined, he is less muscular than before, but his tanned skin is still incredibly sexy with his wild, curly chest hair. Somewhere in his head he hears a whiny voice; don't do it, you're married. But Gouenji pushes that thought away. Still, that's harder than he imagined. Nikaidou's hands aren't Robert's. It are not his lips, and it's not his voice he hears when Gouenji reaches for the man's crotch. He thought that having sex with this man would make him feel better; his fantasy of his teenage years coming true, but doesn't feel anything but wrong. He must not seek revenge on Robert because Kidou kissed him. It hadn't been his fault, but Gouenji acted like a jerk. Overwhelmed by an intense feeling of guilt he pushes Nikaidou away from him and reaches for his clothes.
"Please leave!" He yells to the confused man as he tries to fasten the button of his shirt with his trembling hands. "You will get your job back, but please leave my office immediately and don't contact me again!"
"I— thank you. Thank you so much." Nikaidou collects his removed garments and hurries back into his clothes. Before he can leave the office Gouenji calls after him.
"You and your wife, why are you separating?"
"She cheated on me, we tried to save our relationship, but I couldn't take it anymore. It is better this way."
Gouenji sinks on his chair, his hands buried in his hair. Cheating and breakups continue to haunt him. First Kidou and Fudou, now his former coach. He just cheated, like Robert. Not like Robert, he didn't want it. Gouenji wanted this. Did he truly do this because he still wants to hurt Robert for that one mistake? After everything he has done for him, and Gouenji repays him with the first chance he has to shag with a man he used to love. Robert was right to doubt him, if he had been in his husband's position that night he might have slept with Kidou. He was weak. He is weak. He has to go home; he needs to be honest with Robert. He is ready to confront him now, he might lose Robert, but that is nothing but his own fault. His fear of losing Robert is turning to something real, and it is his own stupid fault.
He's dragging himself back to their house. Robert is waiting for him in the living; before he got in the car he sent him a message.
"I am finally ready to talk."
But he is not as ready anymore, and his confidence has dramatically decreased on the way home, but now that he's looking Robert right in the eye, there is no turning back. His beautiful, blue eyes carry the same sadness and fear as his own, dark eyes. He realises he hasn't paid as much attention to his appearance as he usually does, Robert seems tired, there are dark bags under his eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks. He is ill-shaved, and withdrawn to himself. He seems like a complete different person.
"Am I too old?" Robert is the first one to break the silence. Gouenji stares blankly at him for a moment, he came home ready to confess, he hadn't counted on this. "Toramaru said he saw you with a young lady. Are you having an affair with her?" His voice is hoarse, broken. This must be what kept Robert awake at night, alone in the guestroom.
"No, idiot! A woman? What's wrong with you?" He feels a wave of rage rushing through his body, he's so angry at himself. How could he be so selfish and naive? All this time he wanted to hurt Robert, he wanted him to feel the same pain as he was going through, without realising Robert felt awful enough without Gouenji's acts of revenge. He had sleepless nights too because of his concerns about their relationship.
Robert's eyes fill with hope; Gouenji's voice had been too cheerful, too familiar for how he felt at the moment. Robert wants to wrap both of his arms around him and embrace his husband, but Gouenji pushes him away. "But I did cheat on you. Today, in my office. He wanted sex, and I did too, I think, but I couldn't do it. I don't know what has gotten into me. I could only think of you and pushed him off me before we could do anything, but I did think of it. I wanted...I wanted to deliberately hurt you. "
His husband lets himself fall back onto the sofa and stares emotionlessly to nowhere in particular. "Who was it?"
"Robert..."
"Who was it?!"
Gouenji flinches when he raises his voice, which rarely happens. Sometimes he gets mad at his daughter, but no quarrel between them has ever been so intense that the calm Robert had felt the need to raise his voice. "My old coach, he must be in his late forties, early fifties now."
"I could understand a woman of your own age; I would have thought that I deserved it if you slept with Kidou-san as act of revenge. I told myself that I could live with those scenarios, I would accept it and apologise for my own behaviour, but this...an older man?" His voice is soft and low. Gouenji is shaking on his legs. He would like to sit down before he collapses on the spot, but he doesn't dare to move an inch. "You did it, Shuuya. Congratulations. You had your revenge, you broke me. I have never felt this hurt in my entire life."
"I was unreasonable, Iwas furious because of what happened with Kidou. I know it doesn't change anything that I rejected this man before anything could happen between us, but Robert, I ..." He chokes on his tears, he was prepared to lose Robert when he came here, but everything feels different now. He told himself that he wouldn't fight it if Robert wanted to separate, he'd set him free and Robert would be able to make himself happy again without him. But he can't lose his husband; he can't go on without him.
"I don't know what to believe, Shuuya. Once, you say, but what were those mysterious phone calls about? Working late, lying about your appointments and whereabouts. If you are not cheating on me for some time now, then why all the secrecy?"
"I can't tell you." He's watching his man with pain in his eyes, who gets up to walk to the other side of the room.
"Our marriage is at stake here, and you are telling me that you have more to hide? I told you everything that happened that night, my feelings, every tiny detail. Not a word of that was a lie, and I hoped that when you were ready for it you would be honest with me too. Then we could decide whether we want to continue our relationship or end it. But when push comes to shove you still can't be honest with me?"
Tears are flowing over Gouenji's cheeks. It's over, they're finished. "I'm sorry." He's sobbing quietly. He is still unable to move, but if he could, he would have run away from this a long time ago. The lack of sleep and his broken state are taking their toll on his body. All he can do is stand here, cry, and watch as his relationship with Robert is coming to an end. "I really can't ..."
"This is your last chance, Shuuya." Robert threatens with an anguished voice. "If you refuse to tell me our marriage is over."
"Do you really want to know?" Gouenji takes a deep breath. "It was your daughter, she needed me. A little more than a week ago she called me; she was broken, dumped by the man she was in a relationship with. She didn't dare to tell you because she was afraid of your judgement so she called me instead to pick her up."
"And you were hiding this from me?! This is about my daughter, Shuuya, how could you?"
"I promised her I would keep my mouth shut, she wanted to come to you and tell you in person when she was ready! It was awful to see how devastated she was, what that guy did to her. I saw laugh when I tried to cheer her up, but she was in so much pain. So I took her out on the day of the family dinner to distract her. That's all that happened. I tried to be a father figure for her, something she missed because you're lacking. You barely even look at her! I appreciate all of your attention and I know I am asking a lot from you, but there's someone more important than me who needs you Robert! But you only focus on your work sometimes; you don't even call her anymore. Are you aware of how much she hated you, and that those feelings still haven't faded but she misses you at the same time? She needs you Robert, as a real father!"
In the haze of his own tears and anger, he is unable to see that Robert is crying. He doesn't see how Robert is turning paler when the painful stream of words are cutting into his skin. He can't see how Robert is gasping for air, reaches for his chest, and with his other hand tries to grab the table for support when he loses his balance and falls forward. After a loud thud, the first thing that Gouenji is able to see is his husband lying on the floor. Shards of glass from the side table around him, and a growing, dark pool of blood around his head.
The next few hours are a blur for Gouenji. He doesn't know how much time it took before he was able to move again, but apparently in his panic he called the emergency number. He can't remember the ambulance staff coming into their home and the ride to the hospital. Right now he's sitting in the waiting room, broken with grief and concern. He doesn't know where Robert is, or what they are doing with him now. He remembers that he saw his father in a flash, but it could be that he sat next to him for a while. He's too dazed to take anything in. There is a dense fog in his mind. What if he loses Robert? The last thing he said to him was that he's a lousy father. The past couple of hours he was in conflict, he was willing to give up his relationship and prepared to lose Robert in exchange for honesty, then he realised that he couldn't continue without him, but what will happen next? If Robert doesn't get through this then... Gouenji squeezes his eyes shut and presses the palms of his hands against his eyelids. He would give everything up, as long as Robert remains alive.
"Shuuya?"
His head jolts up, his first thought was Robert, because he is one of the few, in addition to his family, who calls him by his first name. Standing in front of him is not Robert of course, but Kidou. The first thing he notices about his friend is that his eyes are lustreless behind his transparent glasses. Kidou sits down next to him and a long silence follows. Neither of them says a word, they're just staring at the closed door in front of them.
"I am sorry."
Gouenji slowly raises his head; the man next to him is in tears. He wonders why Kidou is crying, he doesn't know Robert that well, does he? Or perhaps he does, maybe they really had a...
"I am so sorry, Gouenji. I shouldn't have kissed him. Akio told me how much you were suffering. I wasn't thinking, I was drunk and despondent. And Robert was... he was himself, and I took advantage of that. I hate that I hurt you, again. I had no intention of ruining your relationship as well. If you could ever forgive me then..."
Gouenji embraces his friend. "I forgive you." He whispers. The brunette is surprised by his quick response, until he feels Gouenji's body shaking against him. He wraps both of his arms around his friend's back and holds him tightly. Gouenji grabs onto Kidou's clothing and cries, he lets out all of the feelings he had bottled up. Kidou isn't sure if Gouenji has actually forgiven him, or that he was talking to Robert, but he's grateful that he is here with his friend now to support him, and he lets him cry against his chest.
After Gouenji sobbed in silence for almost fifteen minutes Kidou can feel him move. He lets go of him and the blonde shifts back to take his own place again. Kidou hands him his handkerchief so he can dry his tears. "Thank you for coming." He says softly. "How did you know?"
"Your father called me, he thought that you could use the support. I take it that you haven't told him about our fight."
Gouenji shakes his head. "Even if I did, he still would have called you. It would have been a good time to settle everything."
"Have we reconciled?"
"We have." Gouenji looks at his friend, he sees now that Kidou has lost some weight. He must have too; he hasn't had a proper meal in days. "Fudou told me that you broke up, that must be tough."
"It was my own fault, I doubted our relationship. I wanted more from Akio than I thought he was able to give me. Only when he was gone I realised that this was the dumbest mistake of my life. I'd rather give everything I wanted up for him, than that I give up on Akio."
"Is he in Italy already?"
"Yes," Kidou laughs through his tears. "The craziest part was that he didn't have enough cash money to pay for a taxi, and he was too stubborn to borrow money from me, so we agreed that I would bring him to the airport. I shouldn't have done that, it was a terrible mistake. I should have pushed that damn money in his hands, because once I was standing there the goodbye felt heavier than before. When I reached home and saw how empty our— my house looks without him I broke down in tears. It doesn't feel like home anymore without Akio's stuff making the place. It's empty, like no-one has lived there before. I am thinking of selling it."
"Or you put your own stubbornness aside and call him."
"I can't." Kidou tilts his head back and sighs heavily. "I don't think he wants me back."
"Did you not just say you were willing to give up everything to get him back? What do you have left to lose anyway? Call him tonight. If I know Fudou as well as I think I do, and believe me, I do, he's being just as stubborn as you and waiting for your call."
"Thank you, Gouenji." Kidou smiles gently at him. "And you and Robert?"
"If he comes out of this alive, I will do everything I can to make this up to him. If he still wants to give us a chance." Kidou gives him an encouraging squeeze in his leg.
"Shuuya?" That's his father's voice. He quickly stands up from the uncomfortable, plastic chair. "We ran a couple of tests and it seems like he will recover without any complications. He is awake now and asking for you, are you ready to see him?"
His father doesn't need to tell him that for a second time. He thanks Kidou and his father and then rushes to the hospital room where Robert is waiting for him. He's sitting straight up in bed with various tubes coming out his body, and squeaky devices. There's a bandage around his head where the glass cut into his skin when he hit the table. He realises now how lucky Robert has been. "Should you be sitting upright already? You just had a major heart surgery, and you have a concussion."
"I am feeling better already." His voice is unusually weak and hoarse, which is contradicting his words. Gouenji sits on the chair on the side of the bed and keeps Robert's hand in his as he observes his wounds. The bandage has a faint red colour where is head is still bleeding. "I thought I had lost you."
Robert looks at him for a while without saying anything; Gouenji averts his gaze and lets it wander around the room. He recognises the heart rate monitor, but all those colourful lines tell him nothing. His father tried to explain the meaning of them to him when he was younger, but the profession of being a doctor is just not for him. On the small table next to the hospital bed there's some of Robert's personal stuff, including his wedding ring. His eyes dart back to Robert, who, in the yellowish light of the fluorescent lamps, looks even older than usual. His face is grey, and the wrinkles on his face, which Gouenji normally finds very attractive, seem deeper. "What happened?" He finally asks when Robert doesn't answer.
"I remember we were arguing, while you were talking I felt a pressure in my chest, it felt like I couldn't breathe. I remember the pain in my chest and the uncomfortable feeling I had for a while increased. But after that, nothing."
"What do you mean with 'a while'?"
"The reason that I am trying to live as healthy as possible is because I have a weak heart, it has always been like that, it runs in the family. My grandfather and father both deceased from cardiac arrest at a young age, despite their healthy lifestyle. It's the stress that makes it lethiferous."
"I thought your father lost his life in the Vietnam War?"
"He did, but because of a heart failure. They were preparing themselves for battle when he suddenly collapsed." Gouenji doesn't know what to say; sometimes it surprises him how little he knows of Robert's life. Does Robert knowingly keep it from him, or has he never bothered to ask? "I've been in the hospital once before because of a heart attack when I was forty-four, but it had been less intense. That time it was because of the stress at work, my first divorce with Jill and the burn out I experienced right before that. From that point on I decided to live a healthier life and put more effort in preventing this from happening again. I thought I was safe, but a few weeks ago the unceasing pain in my chest returned. I got medications for it to keep it under control, but the stress of the past few days haven't done me good. I am sorry to scare you like this."
So this is what Sophia meant when she mentioned that she thought the hospital could call any moment to tell her that her father had passed. Robert told him about his depressive episode, and his burn out when Gouenji himself had been on the verge of overstrain, but he left out the part of the hospital visits and his weak heart. "So that is what you were holding back all this time. I knew you were hiding something from me."
"I am sorry for leaving you in the dark; it is difficult for me to admit my weaknesses, especially to you. I didn't want to burden you with my problems, you are having enough on your plate already."
"You dimwit!" Gouenji gently hits him on his arm. "You should have told me! I care about you, if I had known then..."
"You wouldn't have behaved like a dick?"
"Maybe."
They're smiling at each other. "Shuuya, I am so terribly sorry." He holds his husband's hand and squeezes it weakly. "About everything."
"No, I am sorry. I should have come to you instead of avoiding you. I was so terrified of losing you that I pushed you further away from me. I was so hurt that I wanted you to feel the same pain, without realising that you were already suffering. I was acting egoistic. I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I cheated on you, and ruined our marriage." He can feel the tears coming up again.
"Hush, Shuuya." Robert pulls gently on his arm and shifts to the edge of the narrow bed. Gouenji gets up and gently lies down beside him, his head against his shoulder, and their fingers intertwined. "I love you." Robert whispers softly in English.
Gouenji feels like he could break again any moment when he hears Robert say the words he had been subconsciously longing for. "I love you too."
He's so tired suddenly, all he wants to do is sleep, but he is afraid that if he closes his eyes his might risk losing Robert again. Robert seems to feel him faultlessly, as he always does. "Close your eyes, Shuuya. I am with you." To emphasize his words he squeezes softly in his hand again. Even now that Robert is in the hospital after a nearly dead experience, Gouenji is still his first priority. Gouenji intends to ensure he will take extra good care of him once he's dismissed from the hospital. They are both aware that the argument is not over yet. They both did things they regret, but they will work this out later, when Robert is back on his feet again. For now, they are together again, and Gouenji finally feels safe enough to close his eyes and drift away in the arms of his husband.
Ever since Robert was allowed to return home the both of them have been keeping themselves busy. Robert needed exercise, but a lot of rest too. They followed a special diet that was supposed to help the both man to gain back their strength and energy, and Gouenji is working less so he can spend more time with his recovering husband. A couple of weeks ago they started with slowly talking about their problems, in a very special way. Their arguments come with rules. Little by little they discuss what happened before Robert's accident, and when it is getting out of hand, or one of them can't control their emotions any longer, they take a break of their fight focus on doing something else. It may sound a bit weird, but for them it appears to be the perfect fighting method. Like last time, they were about to lose control, so they decided on a break. Gouenji rushed to the bathroom and filled the bath for them; they had a wonderful afternoon together in the hot tub. Relaxing and enjoying each other's company. The argument continued the next day after they rested and had enough time to over think their words. The biggest issue in their relationship now is trust, or the lack of it. Gouenji deceived Robert, and it will take time for him to heal, and for Gouenji to gain back his trust. Gouenji noticed that Robert had trouble with his husband working overtime and arrived home late. Robert's distrust in him worked on his nerves and the argument started, and a little while later they were having less rough sex than usual on the furniture. The doctor said that Robert needed lots of exercise, but they're certain Dr. Gouenji didn't mean blowing off steam by having sex at every opportunity they get. It is a good thing that the doctor is not informed about the methods Robert uses, but he complimented him for his quick recovery. It won't take long before Robert is able to move around like he used to again.
But Robert doesn't have to do anything currently. Gouenji offered that he would do anything Robert desired in the following weeks, and he takes full advantage of it.
"Shuuya!"
Gouenji pulls up the black stocking until it's on the height of his knee and forces his foot in his new shoes. Wobbling on his feet he tries to stand up. He doesn't understand how women could ever take joy out of walking on heels. It's uncomfortable, you're not stable on your feet, and it's extremely painful. He looks at his own reflection in the mirror. He is wearing a black with white trim one piece dress with a full skirt far above the appropriate knee length, a white apron with lace, and a ruffled headpiece in his tied, blonde hair. He looks ridiculous in his outfit, Robert will probably laugh at him before he even feels a tiny bit aroused, but he asked for it.
"Shuuji, are you done yet?"
He takes a deep breath before he staggers on his high heels to the living room. "You called, Master?" He asks with the most cheerful but polite smile he's got. That alone must be an unforgettable sight for his husband.
Robert does indeed respond as Gouenji expected, he was almost breathless with laughter, and Gouenji was barely able to withhold him from getting his phone to record it. Just when he wants to start with their fanciful roleplay, in which Robert plays the hard working, married man, who is having an affair with his maid and they have to get everything done before his wife returns home (yes, quite the sensitive topic, but it seems to work better for them then couples therapy), he sees a present on the table. "What is that?"
Robert smiles and pulls him down beside him on the sofa. "I have a present for you." He whispers lovingly in his ear with a low voice that gives Gouenji goose pimples all over his body. He is not sure if this is part of their roleplay or not, in both cases it could be a toy they could use in the bedroom. However, the content of the package doesn't feel like a toy. It's rather soft. Gouenji is as surprised as speechless when he unwraps his present and takes notice of what is inside. In his hands he's holding a white romper with the text "Be aware! My daddy's the Holy Emperor!", printed on it with red letters. When he looks back at Robert, he sees that his eyes are filled full of hope and expectations.
"Robert, what is this?"
"Shuuya, I want to have a baby with you."
My dear, sweet, sweet Heather.
I haven't made this easier for you, have I now? I know you had a tough period, and it's still not over yet. It pains me to see that you are suffering, even if you say that you are just very emotional. I don't like seeing you being a big mess, unless it's about my fanfiction.
I could have given you something fluffly like the last time (chapter 2), and that might not be "how I work" (because honestly how could I ever come up with more good events?) but this is not about me. For you, I would have done it.
But I wanted to show you something. I know, it is just fanfiction, but there comes an end to all the bad times.
It will go uphill again from some point on, it might not be as soon as we like, but it won't always be like this. I want you to know that I will always be here to support you.
I will be here when you laugh, I will be there when you cry, I will be there when you break down because of fanfiction because then it's most likely my fault to begin with. You are so very special to me. I love you.
And hey, good news! This end means another chapter, right? ... that's good news... perhaps.
Now, I will be waiting for you on twitter where you can scold me and then cry in my arms.
Much love,
Your not so very sweet angel.