Authors Note: I just wanted to thank everyone who left a little note or review. It's so very encouraging. I wrote the story mostly because I just felt I needed to. A/R babyfics have always walked the line between pet peeve and guilty pleasure for me. I just wanted there to be one that touched on it somewhat realistically without any scifi bent. This is what came of it. Got it out of my system at least.
Chapter 4.1: If Only For A Night
Outside Admiral Bill Adama's Quarters aboard Battlestar Galactica: 2200 hrs.
As Laura stood outside the Admiral's Quarters she felt her hands begin to shake. She instructed her security detail to stand
post elsewhere nearby for the duration of her stay. They knew she would be staying until morning. Her guards had gotten
used to her occasional nights aboard Galactica and often split up duty between themselves and the Admirals own posted
guards. Laura was grateful for their service but tonight she wanted them as far away as safely possible. She wanted this
night to be private and though she figured their guards had no interest in what went on behind the door, knowing anyone
was standing so nearby tonight would unnerve her.
When she had called him to request the visit she'd made it very clear that it would be a personal meeting. She asked him
to do everything in his power to make sure they would not be interrupted until morning and she promised to do the same.
"Say no more, Madam," Bill had said wryly. "I'll do what I can and let's just pray to the Gods for a quiet night on deck."
She could tell he was smiling on the other end of the line and her heart skipped a beat knowing how eager he was to
spend another treasured night together. They were so few and far between, it seemed. Now she stood outside his door too
nervous to enter. She prayed he would understand what she was about to tell him, that they would be able to help each
other through this and that he would help her find what she was looking for.
Taking the deepest breath she could manage she banged on his hatch. She held it in until she heard him call.
"Enter."
She steadied herself and walked inside. She saw him standing there, the top of his uniform already off, a drink in one hand
and some papers in another. The sight of him made her breath catch in her throat. She smiled and stood there for a
moment taking in the image of him in the dim amber light. Sometimes she was in awe of his commanding presence.
Where were you 15 years ago Bill? she thought.
"Well, are you going to say hello or did you just come here to stare at my pretty face?" He joked placing the papers and
glass down on an end table.
She laughed and walked to meet him in the middle of the room.
"Hello Admiral," She teased.
He slowly moved close and embraced her around the waist. She placed her hands on his sturdy chest.
"Admiral?" He echoed in a low smooth tone, "I thought this was supposed to be a personal visit."
He leaned in to kiss her.
"I'll say it is," She said with a giggle and their lips met for a long and tender kiss.
She could smell his aftershave again. It was following her. It was on her clothes after she'd leave him in the morning,
sometimes on her blazer if they managed to steal a private moment throughout the day and now recently she could even
smell it in her dreams. With a sudden rush of blood to her face she remembered just why she was there. She parted her
lips from his and leaned back smiling at him.
"I see you've started without me," She said looking quickly to the side table that held his glass.
"Never," He winked and turned to retrieve it. "Can I get you one?"
"No, not just yet." She answered wringing her hands.
Why couldn't she stop fidgeting lately? It was like she had forgotten what she used to with her arms. She looked down at
her hands. Even after that warm honey kiss they were still shaking. She watched Bill as he walked over to refill his glass.
"Something wrong, Laura?"
She bit down on her tongue in some attempt to keep her nerve.
"We need to talk, Bill," She said with a sigh and a sad smile.
"What? What is it?" He asked quickly and with a sudden perturbed look.
"I just want to talk to you…about a few things actually," She said folding her hands in front of her.
"Oh," He said curtly looking down at the various bottles and glass tumblers.
He gestured for her to take a seat on the sofa and she did. She kicked off her shoes and brought her feet underneath her.
He sat down beside her leaving and obvious space.
"You look so disconcerted," She smirked
"Should I be?" He asked leaning his forearms on his lap and thumbing his drink.
She laughed silently and gave a little shrug. Bill took a sip of the amber liquid and waited.
"You know Bill, sometimes I wish I'd met you a long time ago," She admitted still with a smile.
She twirled the end of a lock of her hair and watched him.
"Why's that?"
Bill leaned back and studied his drink. Laura shrugged and reached over to him, fiddling with the sleeves of his tanks.
"I don't know," She paused leaning back. "So I would have known there were men in the world like you. So I wouldn't
have made some of the mistakes I did. So I could meet you sooner and get to love you for longer. Lots of reasons," She
said looking at him longingly.
"Laura, what's going on?" He said turning to her.
She could tell to spite her sentiment that he was growing impatient.
She sighed but didn't answer.
"I heard Tory say you haven't been feeling well," He pressed. "Is that true?"
She nodded.
"Yes that's true."
He winced and took a large sip. He let it sting his tongue for longer than usual before he swallowed it down.
"I figured that you had just been upset about Billy."
"That hasn't helped matters," She agreed.
"It's back then?" He asked not wanting to look at her.
She furrowed her brow. For a moment she was unsure of what he was asking.
"No," Laura answered quickly. She leaned over and took his hand in her own. "No it's not. It's not the cancer,
thank the Gods."
He looked at her both relieved and annoyed at the same time.
"Then what the hell is going on?" He demanded waving his glass in emphasis.
Laura sat up straight with a rush of adrenaline and squeezed his hand pulling it into her lap. She had to get this out now.
"Bill," She started, looking into his eyes. They were striking but filled with questions and now a cloud of frustration. "Bill, I
have to tell you something but before you react I want you to hear me out completely. I want to explain to you what's
going on and then I'm going to ask you for a favor. I just need you to hear it first. Then you can ask me anything you
want, say anything you want but I just need you to hear what I have to say," She blurted. "Can you do that for me, Bill?"
She almost pleaded.
She gave his hand another firm squeeze holding it tightly in her lap.
"For Gods sakes Laura!"
"Can you do that for me Bill?" She asked again, this time more firmly.
He nodded.
"Yes, but you need to start talking. I'm sitting in the dark here, Laura and I don't like this feeling," He warned.
She nodded and then clasped both her hands around the one she held on her lap. She steeled her resolve and made
herself go on. She had to get it out.
"About two weeks ago I went to see Doc Cottle," She started to explain.
She could already tell he was fighting to keep his promise not to interrupt. She gave him a warning look.
"I had gotten dizzy at a quorum meeting. I had been feeling sick the past few days which was odd because to be honest,
I'd been feeling so well after my recovery."
Bill looked like he was about to snap like a dry twig. She knew she had to speed things up.
"I went to Cottle after the meeting. Tory took me. He ran a hundred tests and the cancer is still gone. Everything checked
out fine except that…" She stopped unable to get the words to flow naturally. She saw him grit his teeth and he started to
pull his hand away. She tugged it back harder and gave him another warning glair."Except that, I'm pregnant, Bill," She
finished quickly. "I'm pregnant."
Laura watched Bills face turn to stone and drain of all color, which was fine because she was fairly certain she had just felt
her own do the same. It was the first time she'd even said the words out loud. They sounded so strange. She saw him
start to shake his head with confusion as if he wasn't sure he heard her right or maybe he was having a frakking stroke. She couldn't tell.
"Are you…" He started to talk but she quickly brought her hand up to halt him.
"Bill, stop. Stop. You promised," She reminded him forcefully. Laura smiled with a roll of her eyes and she laughed at the
absurdity of what was happening. "To answer the obvious questions though; yes, you heard me correctly and yes Cottle is
one hundred percent sure. You better believe he checked twice over. His face looked something like yours," She said with
some dark humor.
Bill moved his lips to speak again but again she stopped him with a gentle finger in front of his lips.
"But, Bill, listen to me when I tell you that I am not under any delusions about this pregnancy. I know that it shouldn't be.
I know that I can't have it. Besides the obvious reasons, Cottle made it very clear that health-wise it would be very
foolish," She went on though Bill looked like he was going insane inside.
His mouth was open and his forgotten drink was held slack in his hand, about to pour out on the rug.
"He's offered to help me…and he's offered to cover it up. And before you even think about mentioning the legal matters,
I've been over that in my head a thousand times over. I'm not proud of it but there really isn't much of an option here."
Bill's drink finally hit the floor but neither of them noticed. He rubbed his hand over his face and let out a low groan.
"Can I speak?" He asked.
"Just a second."
She had to continue. She needed to ask him for this favor. If he obliged her then maybe she could live with what she was
about to do. Maybe she wouldn't completely die inside if she had this to savor and cling on to.
"I told you I had a favor to ask," She smiled sadly. "This might sound crazy, and I suppose that it is but I want to be totally
honest with you…"
Bill nodded slowly, afraid of what might come next.
"I won't lie to you and say that this isn't killing me. I know what has to be done," Her eyes started to water, "But a part of
me, I know is going to be lost with this…" Her breath hitched. She composed herself partially and started over. "I've been
trying like hell these past few weeks to not think about what it would be like…if this happened in another time and another
place, another universe even," She laughed bitterly through her tears, "But the mind doesn't always listen and I haven't
been able to stop thinking about what it would feel like to actually…." Her lips started to tremble.
"Oh, Luara." Bill leaned in to cup her tear stained face.
"All I want is one night." She blurted out shakily. "One night together…just to enjoy it. To pretend for a few hours that it's
alright, to be happy that it happened with someone I care so much for. If I could know that feeling, if I could know what it
would be like for just a while…then maybe I could live with what's coming. If I could think back to this night and know that
at least for a second we acknowledged what came from our love then I'd be able to think back to it for the rest of my days
and know for a moment it was real."
Her voice had become steadier but so had her tears. He leaned his face close to hers.
"Could you do that for me Bill?" She asked with a desperate look on her face.
He was silent for a moment and it scared her. To say he was stunned would have been the understatement of the century.
He was utterly shocked. The facts hadn't even truly sunken in yet but one thing he knew was that he saw the women he
loved was hurting and he would do what he could to help her.
"I'd do anything for you," He affirmed and he kissed her tear stained cheek before kissing her trembling lips.
When the kiss broke she whispered a soft thank you. Bill nodded and they each leaned back.
"Laura, I'm trying to take this all in…" He sighed.
"I know," She said nodding.
"Can we back up for just a second?" He asked tentatively, afraid to cause her anymore distress.
Laura wiped at her tears and tried to compose herself.
"Of course, Of course, Bill. I just needed to get that all out. I had to. I told you before you can ask me anything you want
now. Just don't ask me how this happened because you certainly know that answer," She teased just to lighten the air.
"Okay," He smiled. "Then when?"
"I don't know yet. Cottle only did the blood work and a pelvic exam to confirm. Two or three months at the most, a few
weeks at the least."
He nodded again.
"Who knows?"
"Just Doc Cottle…and now you," She smiled. "I lied to Tory."
Bill looked down at the wet spot on the rug where his discarded glass lay on its side.
"And when are you going to…"
He kicked at the glass as he trailed off.
"I keep putting it off. Things have been hectic. The campaign," She shrugged, "I wanted you to know first."
"And you're absolutely sure you're going to?" He said looking up at her.
She inhaled deeply and rubbed her forehead.
"Gods Bill, I don't think I have much of a choice."
"You always have a choice. What's Cottle say?"
Laura took a long breath and let it out.
"He says that my body made a mistake…that at the end of my cycle and through my illness it got some mixed signals and
let this happen. He said that with my age and everything I've gone through that the chances of it being healthy are
severely compromised but even more than that it's dangerous to let it go on. He feels that I could eventually hemorrhage
and that I would be risking my life," She explained.
"And he's sure of that?" Bill asked.
Laura shrugged
"He seems fairly certain considering all the factors," She smiled sadly.
"The thing is, Bill, in another place in time I might have risked it. I would have tried, I think. I would have given anything
to have the chance…but I can't be so selfish now." She said leaning her head against the back of the seat. Bill cuddled up
next to her.
"What if you knew it was healthy? Would you risk it then?" He asked as he started to stroke her auburn hair.
"Bill, it's not just about a health concern. Even if it was safe and I knew that it would be born healthy, look where we are.
We are two middle aged people floating in a giant tuna can that keeps getting attacked by over-evolved electric can
openers and we are in charge of the whole thing."
He laughed at her description, rubbing his hand over her knee.
"It's just no environment for a child. I know that I just finished trying to make it so more babies are born on this fleet. If
you think I don't see the sick irony you're wrong, but I had people like Lee and Kara in mind. I didn't make the frakkin' law
thinking of Saul and Ellen and I surly didn't have us in mind either."
He smiled and kissed her on her temple. Saul and Ellen; now that was a scary thought.
"I just keep thinking what a cruel frakking joke from the Gods this has to be; maybe for enacting that law, maybe for…"
She trailed off before she mentioned Hera.
Bill didn't know and now was not the time.
"Don't think that way Laura. I know it might feel like that but this isn't a punishment. It's just a sad circumstance and
horrible decision that you don't deserve to have to make."
Laura was quiet for a while. Bill wasn't sure what to say. He understood the concerns. He certainly didn't want to lose her.
"Is being here really the only reason you wouldn't chance it? I mean be honest. If we were back on Caprica with no cylon
threat but the same medical circumstance would you really risk your life?"
She took a moment to answer.
"Yeah …yeah I think I would. I guess I never realized how badly I wanted it…until I couldn't have it," She confessed.
"Which is why I asked you that favor. I just wanted to feel what it was like for a little while. I'm not even sure what I'm
asking you to do…except be with me and tell me it's all going to be alright, even if it's not. I wanted just a night to act as if
it was a miracle rather than a curse."
Bill's heart was breaking for her, for both of them. He thought for a minute about what she was asking. He couldn't believe
this had happened. He was angry, not at her but that he didn't have a better solution for them. He couldn't stand to know
what she was going through and how desperate she sounded. He didn't want to encourage her to take a chance that would
most likely end up in devastation for both of them. On the other hand he knew the alternative was going to so badly
damage her spirit that he was afraid of the effects it would have on her. How well would she even be able to go on? Still, if
this was the decision then he would do his best to give her anything she asked of him. He just had to figure out how.
They sat quietly for a while. He ran his fingers up and down her leg from her knee to her thigh as he thought to himself.
"I think what you're asking for Laura…" He said after a short while. He looked into her usually bright eyes, now rimmed
red. "...is a night with our baby."
And with that he let her cry into his arms until she had no tears left.
After a long while, when Laura finally lifted her head from Bill's tear stained shirt he kissed her. The kiss was long and soft
and told her in one motion just how much he cared for her. She felt grateful for his touch. Bill grazed her cheek with the
back of his hand and smiled softly.
"Take your jacket off. Get comfortable," He instructed her and he got up to pour her some water.
She quietly did so, shrugging it off, then taking her glasses from where they hung on her blouse and putting them aside as
well. He walked back over to her and handed her the glass. She thanked him without
meeting his eyes and took some tiny sips.
"Feet up," Bill instructed, bending down to help her.
"What? Why?"
"Because Laura, I'm gunna rub your feet. Now lay down, feet up." He told her again, sitting beside her and guiding her
legs across the sofa and her bare feet into his lap.
"You don't have to…" She started.
"I want to." He said blankly and proceeded to message her feet.
It was a sweet gesture but she was a little confused as to where it came from. She never said her feet hurt, they didn't,
not that it didn't feel incredibly good. Bill had such strong and powerful hands but when he touched her he was so very
deliberate and gentle. He looked over at her, continuing to thumb at her arches.
"My ex-wife, she liked this when she was pregnant," He explained.
Laura didn't know what to say.
"You know, Laura…" He started. "It's kinda nice to know I'm still shootin' bullets." He winked and got a laugh out of her.
"You most certainly are," She answered with a playful roll of her eyes.
"Can I ask you something?" Bill posed as he started working her ankles.
He could tell she was enjoying it at least a little. He could feel some of tension from her body starting to release.
"Sure."
"Why didn't you have children before?"
Bill looked over at her as she seemed to be thinking about the answer.
"I don't know, I guess it was just never the right time. The opportunity was never really there. The urge wasn't strong
enough or I was just really good at stifling it. It wasn't something I wanted to do on my own and to be very straight
forward; Richard Adar wasn't my only mistake. I sort of always had a habit of being with unavailable men. Men who had
families and careers that were too important to sacrifice." She palmed her forehead looking somewhat ashamed. "And with
my own career, it just sort of…got away from me," She said with a sigh.
Bill nodded in understanding doing his best to let her know he wasn't passing judgment.
"Not the most noble of answers I know," She smirked.
"Not necessarily," Bill proposed. "You could have done it anyway and brought a child into a situation you didn't think was
right. I'd consider that less noble," He defended. "You know, I always wanted children, Carolanne and I both but I was
away so much. I missed so much time with the boys that sometimes I wondered if I had made a selfish choice," He
confessed as he started to rub her calves.
"Well I can tell you that I highly doubt your sons felt that way. I can see just by the way that Lee looks at you. It's like he's
looking into the eyes of a God. He just worships you even though sometimes he doesn't act like it and I'm sure Zak did too
the way they followed so valiantly in your footsteps," She admired.
Bill silently nodded considering her words. Most of the time he didn't feel that way.
"You, Bill Adama make a wonderful father," She added
Bill smiled at her.
"And you, Laura Roslin, I believe would have made a wonderful mother."
Laura smiled sadly and shrugged. She wiped some tears away that rolled down her cheeks and tried to swallow the rest
before they came.
"So what would you want to have? A boy or a girl?" He asked.
Laura looked at the ceiling with dreamy eyes.
"I don't know. I suppose I never really pictured myself with a little boy. I always connected with the little girls in my
classes much easier. I would have adored a little girl," She admitted.
"You know, I wanted girls too," He told her tracing his fingers lightly down her calf.
"No," She said in disbelief. "Really?"
"Yeah I did. Both times Carolanne was pregnant she was sure it would be a girl. Lee and Zak were each a surprise to both
of us. I'm not sure why. I guess I just wanted a daughter to spoil. I was tougher on the boys because I saw myself in
them," He proposed. "I even wanted Carolanne to try again. I told her I thought three was a good round number. I was
sure the odds had to be in our favor that the third would be a girl. Like I said though, I was away a lot and Carolanne had
her hands full with the two boys," Bill licked his lips. "And Kara's more like having another son most of the time, so…" He
joked.
As Laura listened to Bill talk she was amazed to feel herself falling even more in love with him. She didn't think it was
possible but hearing the things that he was sharing with her just made her heart swell. Part of it was breaking it slowly
piece by piece, but this was what she'd wanted. Just talking openly about it and all the nice things that could have been
made her feel better somehow. At least for right now they weren't hiding anything, they weren't denying anything and
they weren't pretending as if nothing was there. She loved him so much more because she could tell he had understood
that this was what she'd asked for. It was what she needed.
"You know," Bill told her, looking deeply into her eyes. "You look beautiful like this."
"Like what?" She said with a confused look.
"Like this," He repeated. "Something about it…that glow they talk about…it's real." He told her in an unwavering voice.
He saw her eyes start to well up again. With a deep breath he patted her legs and lifted himself off of the couch.
"C'mon Laura," He said to her extending his hand.
She took it and he helped her up and enveloped her into a protective embrace. She breathed his scent in deeply. Bill took
her by the hand and led them both toward his rack.
As they stood in front of the bed he moved to unbutton her blouse.
"Bill, I don't know if I'm," She started but he interrupted her with a soft finger to her lips.
"Shhh, Laura just relax," He whispered, soothing her as he continued half way down her blouse leaving it just partially
open. He moved his hands around to her hips slowly caressing to her backside where he unzipped her skirt. With a soft tug
it fell to her feet and she stepped out of it.
"Lay down," He told her.
He lifted his blankets and guided her underneath. She was all at once nervous and comforted to be in his bed. As she
settled in Bill removed his tanks and slacks, leaving his boxers and then sat down beside her on the bed taking in her
image. She looked up at him tentatively. He leaned over her and kissed her to sooth her apprehensions. Her breath
became shaky when his kisses began to trail. He kissed her on the neck and then along her collar bone. Taking the
blankets down with him as he traveled, he kissed at the swell of her breasts and then her ribs. When he got to her middle
he could feel her tense up but even so, he started to trail little kisses low on her tummy. As he started to caress his fingers
over where his lips had just been he looked up to her. She said nothing but blinked out a few tears.
"I just want you to know, Laura, that you have never been more beautiful to me than
you are at this moment," He told her.
She couldn't speak. She could only cry silent tears. Bill climbed in beside her, pulling the blankets back up to cover them
both. He lay on his side behind her encouraging Laura to roll over so that that he could spoon her body with his. They lay
there for a moment quietly. Bill tried to calm her breathing with his own. With his face nuzzled close to hers he placed light
kisses behind her ear.
"I love you Laura."
He draped his arm over hers and took her hand in his own. Slowly he guided her hand placing it on her belly leaving his
own hand on top. He heard her let out a soft whimper.
"It's going to be okay Laura," He told her softly in her ear as he felt his own eyes start to well up. "No matter what
happens it's going to be okay."
They lay there like that through the night. Sometimes they were in tears, other times there were just silent caresses and
every so often they expressed sweet little notions.
"What would her name be?" Bill asked at one point.
"I had a little girl in my class once. Her name was Theia. I always liked that. Goddess of the shining light in the clear blue
sky. It sounds hopeful and bright," She said softly with her eyes closed and smiling to herself.
"It does," Bill had agreed. "My grandmother was Isabelle. I always sort of liked that for a girl. Means devoted to the Gods."
"Theia-Belle," Laura said giggling softly.
Bill let out a low chuckle.
"Her viper call sign would be Kid-Sis" He added.
Laura had to smile at the thought.
"I'd hope for your blue eyes," She told him at another point during the night.
"I'd hope for your red hair," He'd responded.
They continued on like that for hours, Bill's hand never leaving her tummy, taking in what they could until they both lost
the fight to stay awake.