Oops. I got carried away; this chapter's a bit bigger :p

Thanks very much for the reviews!

Chapter Four – The Rest of the Team and Stuff (With a Distinct Lack of Spy I Wonder Why)

~REC ROOM~

The Soldier, Pyro and Demoman sat themselves down in the rec room, evidently exhausted already as they sprawled gracefully over the chairs. I'm hoping everyone picked up on the whole 'gracefully' being sarcasm thing. Yeah.

Anyway, plan time.

"So we switched personalities?" Soldier checked again, as though disbelieving. Demo nodded extra slowly because that certainly looked wiser. "And we need to 'fix' everyone?" This time Pyro confirmed it, clapping and cheering 'He's got it!'

"The question is, how?" Demo asked, getting up to pace, remembering he was drunk, and flopping back down. "Scoot, Heavy, Medic, Sniper, Spy and possibly Engy (*cough* though I think he probably worked it oot in his own narrative *cough*) are still a' messed up."

Something rare was about to happen.

Soldier was in the process of offering a splendid idea.

A brilliant, flawless plan that would surely mean this story could go ahead and end cuz everything would be fine, just like that.

Then Sniper appeared with the karaoke machine.

"G'day!" he said brightly in sing song, "You wankas ready to paaaaarty?"

He punched the on button and pulled several mics from nowhere, chucking them at his fellow REDs. Suddenly wearing Demo's shutter shades, Sniper started them off;

"THIS WAS A TRIUMPH! I'M MAKING A NOTE HERE: HUGE SUCCESS!"

Now, there were a couple of fair reasons why nobody joined in. Firstly, Pyro had been punched in the face by the mic and was involuntarily studying the roof from the floor. In its flailing descent the offense class slapped Demo upside the head which was rather unhelpful.

That left the Soldier, who didn't sing along because he was running at the Sniper, making a fist as he went. Pow.

"Still alive…" Sniper warbled dizzily, slumping to the base of the wall he just hit. Well, the wall Soldier launched him into. More accurate.

Demo and Pyro stared on blankly, the latter wondering why Sniper was taking an impromptu nap over there. Demo was thinking they should probably check the marksman's pulse.

"There." Soldier stated simply. "We'll deal with him later. Follow me, maggots!"

~OUTSIDE~

Sir Heavy Weapons Guy was in quite a state by this point. Was not one of his teammates sophisticated enough to enjoy afternoon tea and spirited conversation with him?

The merc tutted aloud, walking this obnoxious little walk back and forth in front of the base. His giant-ass shadow trailed faintly across the wall alongside, a slight reminder the sun was on its way down and it wouldn't do for a gentleman to be wasting time like this at night.

Well now. Where to go? He headed for the more-broken-than-not red door, stepping through with a small dip in his stride so the top hat would fit comfortably. Heavy weighed up his options, glancing to the left and right as though surveying the hallways.

Hm. He always liked going straight ahead. He placed his tea basket down on the nearest flat surface (incidentally, a Mann Co crate combined with a toaster) and moseyed toward the infirmary.

~SAID INFIRMARY~

"It's perfect!" Medic cried manically, "PERFECT!" He spun in slow motion, blaring his very best evil laugh. Until of course Heavy walked in. "HEAVY ARE YOU HURT OH LORD I'LL HEAL YOU." The doctor vaulted right over his desk and practically shoved the medigun on Heavy's head.

"No, thank you, dear chap," he said politely, subtly backing the Hell away. Medic shrugged and withdrew, returning to whatever he was up to.

From where Heavy was standing, it looked an awful lot like Medic was giving a tiny medigun to Archimedes. Who was wearing a tiny lab coat. Tiny cute things are cute.

Heavy made an inquiry about what was going on there. Medic turned to him;

"Oh, vell, remember my inner monologue from zhe last chapter, and I vas all 'Or can I look after you all'?" Heavy blinked. "…Never mind. Point is I'm training Archie here to use zhe medigun. Zhis tiny medigun look how cute it is." He did a wee clap like in the Adult Swim trailer because d'aw.

"… I see." Heavy responded flatly, subconsciously adjusting a non-existent monocle.

Things seemed a bit awkward all of a sudden.

…

Let's see what else is going on.

~UPSTAIRS~

Soldier led Pyro and Demo upstairs, two of them sporting unusual-shaped bruises. The last two. Shaped like microphones. I wasn't sure if that made sense. I'm making it worse. Sorry.

Regardless, the three REDs wandered the second floor, hopping over the cracks and clambering through the caved-in corridors. Ignoring the occasional glimpse of overcast sky through the roof, the mercs reinforced the plan in their minds.

"Okay maggots- two step plan! Demo, gimmie one!"

"Find Scout!"

"Correct! Pyro- two!"

*Gibberish*

"… That's probably right. Let's go!"

Operation: Soldier's name gets to go first cuz he made the plan and Demo and Pyro's Epic Rescue Mission Act the First. Of One Act. Huzzah!

They split up, spreading their line of searching across the entire floor as best as possible. Pyro took the bedroom area, knocking exactly seven times on every door even though chances were nobody was in there. Doesn't hurt to be polite after all, the merc reckoned. And if all else failed, it could burn the doors down, so everybody would win.

The Demoman meanwhile had the awkward and largely unnecessary task of going through the middle, where there were no rooms. This trial involved mining through a few supporting pillars and uncovering a few weapons and crates embedded in the walls, so it resembled something of an interactive museum trip if anything.

Finally, the Soldier took the back hallway; that was the one with the Gibus Room and a couple of cupboards. He checked the bathroom first, took a whizz when he found it empty, then moved on to the storage units.

Opening the first revealed everyone's unwanted Mann Co crates and scrap metal in such an untidy heap Engy would have exploded in horror if he saw it. Soldier closed the door both literally and on that thought, then checked the next of the four cupboards.

"Empty? How dull…" Soldier mused, as if having such a waste of space was a crime. Maybe it was. Unfortunately he checked the third cupboard while I was thinking that. "Author? What are you doing in there!?"

… Well how did you think I knew exactly how all this stuff was happening!?

Soldier moved on against his will to the last door, crying 'THIS ISN'T OVER!' Pissed off by this point, he wrenched on the door handle and tore it straight off. The door, that is, he ripped the door right off. Do not fight this man.

The most peculiar wee 'Argh' sounded from somewhere in the depths of the cupboard, the kind of noise a moth might make if it sneezed. Found him.

"DEMO! PYRO!" Soldier hollered over his shoulder, "Get over here!"

Apparently he forgot to use his inside voice.

"… That may have been a mistake." Soldier acknowledged helpfully. The RED was quite correct.

Scout seemed smaller than ever as he bolted past his fellow American and sprinted away in panic, vanishing round a corner just as Pyro and Demo arrived.

"Oh, ye found 'im?" Demo asked, stepping into the exact wrong (and empty) cupboard with the supposedly-safe assumption that's where Scout was. Thing is he was so drunk he managed to lock himself in there sometime during the half second it took for Soldier to turn around.

Pyro facepalmed, making an odd squeaky noise as glove met gasmask. It found this hilarious and was quickly reduced to a spaced-out pyromaniac jabbing itself in the face.

Pulling out a rocket launcher, Soldier decided that ain't nobody got time for dat.

Fun fact: It only takes one rocket to simultaneously blow the door off a cupboard and launch a Pyro several feet down a corridor.

~SOMEWHERE ELSE UPSTAIRS~

In a warzone, or whatever this endless RED Vs BLU feud was, conflict remained a concept impossible to avoid. Fighting and loud noises built up the better part of life, much to the displeasure of our shy little Scout buddy.

His agenda today, just fyi, involved not getting in fights or hearing any particularly loud noises. Shame, really; now he'd never accomplish that. On the positive side he still had the chance at 'Unbox an unusual'. Unlikely, but not impossible.

Ooh. Fatal error there, letting his attention stray. Rocket-wall-jumping Soldier with the intention of tackling him came fairly speeding along, helmet posing as something of a battering ram. The American saluted in midair - because America – but had quite failed to consider that Scout would have the presence of mind to duck.

"Goddammit…" Soldier grumbled, sailing way past his mark and bouncing off the far wall. Well, bounced may not be the most appropriate term, but bone-shattering impact just seemed too wordy.

Scout fled again, only to bump straight into the Demoman.

"Eep!" Scout skittered past the Scotsman, smacking his face off the wall but continuing to run anyway. Wimpy trooper he was.

Then of all things ninja Pyro dropped from the ceiling and squished him.

Scout babbled incoherently on the floor while Demo and Soldier caught up.

"Either I'm tripping," the latter stated, slightly in shock, "or I just got healed by a Medic-Dove with a tiny medigun."

Medic-in-training Archimedes cooed somewhere down the hall, proud of himself.

"Anyway," Soldier shuddered, "to the fridge!"

~IN BETWEEN FLOORS; THEY JUMPED THROUGH THE ROOF AGAIN~

Dragging a very confused and flustered Scout, the three mercs who've been dominating this chapter crash-landed into that darn kitchen once again. Fortunately they sprung off the bubble wrap relatively unharmed (what was a sprained wrist here or there really?) and opened the tipped-over fridge. Demo rummaged through the horizontal box-of-magic-food-preservation until locating the heart of their plan.

A can of Bonk! Atomic Punch.

~KEEPING YOU IN SUSPENSE BECAUSE BACK UPSTAIRS…~

Engy, Teddy Roosebelt in tow, walked anxiously through the hallway housing the team's bedrooms. He had a little idea on how to fix the personality of a certain Heavy Weapons Guy, but he didn't really like it.

There were two potential outcomes; either-

Wait. After a small amount of careful deliberation, the Engineer realised the only result would be his own death. That… was not ideal.

The merc halted outside the Heavy's room, the towering planks of the very door looming threateningly. Even Teddy seemed a tad uncertain. However, just as the pair of them gathered their somewhat-manly courage and prepared to shove their way inside, a high pitched whine reverberated through the air, followed by a gust of wind.

Well. Scout's back.

"HEY ENGY!" he dashed past once, "HOW'S IT GOIN'?" He zigzagged in front of the bedrooms a couple of times, then suddenly appeared in Engy's vision, jogging on the spot. "I'm, like, not shy or anythin' anymore and dude I'm so hyper I had Bonk oh my God oh my God GET HELP AHAHAHA!"

Engy blinked slowly, collecting his thoughts, then made a simple suggestion that solved his problem.

"Y'know… It couldn't hurt to go in there and touch Sasha." He mused quietly, sounding a bit guilty.

"OKAY!" Scout yelled agreeably, jumping up and down twice before zipping into the Heavy's room, kicking Sasha the minigun and fleeing again.

He met Engy, Soldier, Pyro and Demo in the hallway in the very moment there was an earthquake.

Or at least, the base trembled violently because someone down in the infirmary had just screamed at the top of his massive lungs and started to sprint with his earth-shattering stride toward his beloved minigun.

Here comes Heavy Weapons Guy.

Within a heartbeat the defence class appeared in the corridor, and used some kind of mystic power to determine exactly who dared touch Sasha.

"Scout," he growled, "You. Are. DEAD."

Scout glanced around, then pointed at his own chest for confirmation.

"YES." Heavy boomed, cracking his knuckles with an alarming crunch, "YOU."

Fidgeting with his dog tags, Scout paused to consider whether he was okay with that. On a scale of yes to no… No. He bolted.

~TEN MINUTES LATER, THE REC ROOM~

Engy, of all people, was usually most successful at pulling the shreds of positivity from the shredder of mass destruction. So, sure, maybe the base was further battered and Scout took two trips through respawn, but they'd also fixed Heavy.

Surely, that was a victory.

It also left just three of the mercs to be rebooted! Yay! And because Engy and Sniper are best bros in my headcanon the former had another idea. He's full of those today.

"Hey Sniper." Engy said, wincing as Scout and Soldier kicked the slumped-against-the-wall Sniper for attention. "Y'know yer partyin'…?" He put on a very serious, no messing with this guy voice, "It's real UNPROFESSIONAL."

That did it. Sniper skittered backward up the wall until standing straight, trembling in horror and babbling his standards under his breath.

"Be polite be efficient have a plan to kill everyone you meet that's a professional I'm a professional bloody 'ell what'm I doin'!?" He grabbed Heavy's shotgun because the defence class was closest and unloaded several shots into the karaoke machine, hyperventilating long after it was dead. He lobbed the empty gun at the pile of scrap metal in a last act of 'OH MY GOD' before tugging his shirt sleeves neatly back down and readjusting his hat.

"… Y'alright, lad?" Demo checked in the ensuing silence, shifting awkwardly from foot-to-foot. There was a long pause in which the poor Sniper composed himself, building up the tension only to eventually utter a quiet,

"Yup."

… Anticlimactic.

"Maybe we should go save Doctor?" Heavy suggested helpfully. Sounds like a plan, Heavy. Thanks.

To sum up- Misadventures were had :D

Oh, and 3-D Jak? Here's 'How Falsie Writes This Series'! *themesong*

Step One; Write the first thing that springs to mind

... There is no step two :p

Thanks for reading!