"So, um, what's next? Eee hee hee. Did you think I'd disappeared? Listen, there's another thing I forgot to tell you... Don't think you can just run off and save your friends, because you can't." Just as well, I figured, they were adopted, so they're easily replaceable.
"Just beyond that bridge, the land is covered in twilight. Last time, a shadow beast pulled you through the curtain of twilight. But if you want to go that way this time, you'll need the cooperation of someone FROM the twilight... like me! So you really have no choice but to do what I say. Saving your friends and all that... Well, that'll depend on your actions..." Sucks to be them, thought I.
"Because you never can trust words, you know. Right now, I want a sword and sheild that'll suit me. You do understand me, don't you?" Not a word, but fortunately you come with subtitles. "Eee hee hee! So, what do you plan to do? While you're here dawdling, the twilight continues to expand. Come on! Hurry it up!"
I took off down the path back to my place. There was a goblin blocking the path, but it was easily dispatched. And by dispatched, I mean ignored. Unfortunately, there were two more in front of my treehouse.
The first one I snuck around and bit the back of it's neck, and it fell to the ground. I tried to kill it, but for some reason, none of my bites made contact. It was embarrassing; he lay motionless on the ground, but every attack missed. So I opted to teabag him instead while he was down, and the massive pwnage caused his body to explode.
The other goblin was removed in a likewise manner: I tackled him, ran up to his corpse, and squatted over his face into oblivion.
At last, I reached town. I saw Bo and Jaggle across the river and went to see what they were talking about. It seemed Bo was again bragging about time that he toasted a some bread and Jesus's face appeared on it.
I rolled my eyes and decided to go steal Rusl's underused sword (he used to just use it to pick up chicks in castle town, till he accidentally Colin in Uli's base), but then I realized Bo had that crappy shield that had seen much proud service in numerous war reenactments, namely, the war between Bo keeping his dishes clean vs. eating off random large flat surfaces like shields and his daughter's forehead.
I looked for a way into Bo's place, when my impish friend ("No Link, I'm not your friend. I'm just using you." "And only a true friend would admit to that, Mindy." "Link, I'm going to drown your body in the lake when I'm done with you." "Just watch. We'll become super BFFs... forever!" "I hate you." "Shut up and let me get back to telling the internets your stupid plan to get the shield.")
Like I was saying, she thought we could jump into an open window after climbing up a water wheel and hopping over a few islands. None of the physics in her plan really made sense, so I suggested we use the front door. "You people leave your front doors unlocked at night?" "Why not? It's not like we live in New Jersey!"
Thus the shield was easy to get. The sword wasn't much harder. We went further up the village to Rusl's place, and found Rusl and Uli talking about the loss of their son down by the creek. "It's OK Uli, we can make another one. A better one. Lets try right now." "Oh Rusl, I find your indifference to the loss of our first born child so... masculine and impulsive. Ravish me! Take me now, Lin—er, Rusl!"
Before the scene got any weirder, I left. Midna suggested we dig a tunnel under the side of the house hoping there would be an area that hadn't been floored inside. I knew they were looking at getting new hardwood flooring for their house, so much to her disappointment, we walked in the front door again.
Laying on the couch was a sword. I looked it over, how the black leather formed a comfortable grip around the handle, how the large pommel balanced the weight to the long blade, how the stamp "Made in China" glistened in the fire light. I warned Midna, "If you see any paint on that, don't touch it."
Midna put the sword... where ever she keeps this stuff... and we went forth into the Twilight. On the way, while passing the spring, I heard a heavenly ethereal voice cal to me. It sounded like Cher. So I went.
The voice went on: "You have... been transformed... by the power... of shadow... Come.. to me... and listen... to my... impersonation... of.. William... Shatner: Beware... The Romulans... they... approach..." Needless to say, I was a little pissed when a portal opened in the sky and another stone-face creature dropped out of it, and the spirit didn't help much.
At first, I thought the fall might have killed the thing, but the spirit continued, "Uhura... open... a hailing... frequency... Spock... shields at max... Scottie... I need... more power... to the... engines... I'm givin 'er all she's got, cap'n!"
I was in a bit of a predicament. You see, in human form, I'm an expert fighter. From almost any position, I can find a way to kick my opponent in the testicles. I didn't think my strategy would be use without my human legs though.
See, I have this policy on killing: Only do it sometimes. And this didn't feel like one of those times. So I lunged at the monster's dreadlocks and dangled from them, tugging them, sinking my teeth into them. He shook me loose so I did it again. He apparently had enough and retreated through the portal he opened.
"O brave youth... I am one of the four light spirits that protect Hyrule at the behest of the gods. I am Ordona." I hardly caught the name of the giant sheep because it was talking too slow and I left. Hopefully, nothing important was said.
We came upon the black runey wall again, when Midna appeared. "Hey... Look... The Faron Woods that you know so well... They're now covered in twilight. You might not be able to come back here, but... Do you still want to go?" Oh god yes.
She flew through the wall, and a giant orange hand appeared, grabbing my whole body.
"Hmm! So these are the weapons you use in your world?" You really think this thing can slay the creatures of twilight?"
"I thought that was the point in getting them! You told me to!"
"...Well, I won't use these, but I'll hang on to them for you. Alright, a promise is a promise... I trust you enough to help. In exchange for my help, though, I need you to gather some things for me. Look, I can't tell you all the details now, but it'll be easy, trust me... But enough about that. Do you hear that noise?"
"Uhh, all I hear is My Chemical Romance's Famous Last Words..."
"It's the lamentation of the spirit that had it's light stolen"
"Wait, so the spirit listens to crappy emo music? Are we sure we want to revive it?"
"...Where in the world could it be? Eee hee! Better get going, don't you think? Don't blame me for the world's fate if you don't hurry up and find that light! Come on! Snap to it!"