She Who Will Be Loved
Chapter 4/4
Summary: What is being faced with feelings that are too complicated to deal with? What is the ability to solve them? What is being isolated and surrounded at the same time? What is being woman? On the other side of the galaxy, four women deal with unbidden feelings. J/C, P/T, Kes/Neelix, Sam/Joe. Slightly AU, set towards the end of season 2.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager.
Rating: T for references to adult situations.
Author's note: Thanks for taking the time to read this. This piece really wrote itself, and I enjoyed writing it. Reviews greatly appreciated.
Chapter Four- Surprises and Sacrifices
She who feels desire knows what it's like to play with fire. And she who does, knows she's taking the risk that she might get burnt.
She watches him from her station on the Bridge. He's intently navigating them through space, and today not even a warp core collapse will break his concentration.
She loves it when he concentrates like this. Loves the way he runs his hand through his hair without realising it, messing it up in the process. She loves the way his uniform clings to him, showing promise of what lies beneath. She loves looking at him from this angle.
And it scares her because she's not meant to love him at all.
The captain catches her gaze and in that instant she knows she's figured out her secret. Instead of showing disapproval, she offers her a warm but concerned smile. B'Elanna gives one back.
She's tired of having to hide this from everyone.
Stolen kisses between duty that she couldn't stop even if she wanted to and passionate rendezvous in her quarters when he comes to her at night.
She takes one final look at him and leaves the Bridge, ready to start the end of her shift.
It doesn't take him long to find her.
She's in the holodeck, running a programme where she's sitting on top of a mountain, and he has no trouble joining her.
She's surprised to see him here. They never meet here. They never do anything that might be misconstrued as a date.
"What are you doing here?" she asks him.
"I came to find you," he answers simply, sitting down beside her.
She nods.
"You know, I could feel your eyes on me on the Bridge today," he teases her.
She glares at him. She's not in the mood for this.
He changes tactic. "You seem distracted," he notes.
She doesn't say anything. Instead she stares at what's before her. A vast quantity of space. With a sky so high and a ground so low that the end of either is not visible to her. If she chose to jump, would she fly or would she fall? Maybe the man beside her had an answer.
"We have to quit this," she says finally.
He looks confused. "Quit the programme?"
She shakes her head. "Us."
"Why?"
She stares into his eyes, and can see by his look that he's determined to fight her on this.
"Because I'm fed up of all this sneaking around. Of you coming to me when you want me."
"Are accusing me of using you?" he demands, eyes flashing with anger.
"That's how I feel," she answers honestly.
"Funny, you never once complained before."
"Well, it's not like we ever talk to each other." Which was true. Their bodies took over and did the talking for them, leaving no room for conversation.
He seemed to understand that. "Well, we're talking now."
For a moment she doesn't say anything. "There's only a matter of time before you lose interest in me."
His eyes probe hers, as if looking for something there.
"I don't think so," the resolute tone of his voice melts something within her. He takes her hand and places it over his heart. She's surprised to find it beating a mile a minute. "Do you know what you do to me?" he asks softly.
She shakes her head.
"You drive me crazy with need. You have me thinking about you all the time that I can't concentrate. And you know what?" he brings his lips close to her ear. "I enjoy it. I enjoy you and no, I sure as hell am not going to quit you."
She closes her eyes at the sensation of his voice against her ear. "Maybe I need more than that."
He pulls her into his lap. "Maybe I do too."
***
She who does not know love, does not know life. But there's always time to learn.
Every evening without fail, he comes and bids her goodnight. And she always waits in anticipation for his good night kiss.
Except tonight she's extremely nervous.
She hears the chime of her door, and walks over to it. He greets her with his usual smile and sunny disposition.
"Good night Kes," he says softly, leaning in to kiss her.
She kisses him back, and is surprised that he can't hear her heart trying to escape from her chest.
When he pulls back, he stares into her eyes, and notices something there that wasn't there before.
She's trying to convey to him an emotion that she can't quite articulate. I'm ready, her eyes say, and from the comprehension shining back in his, he understands.
Her time may be vastly numbered, but she doesn't want to miss out on one of life's greatest experiences. Fear pounds through her, but her love for him is stronger.
With determination, she takes him by the hands and leads him into her quarters.
***
She who knows not how to feel, struggles to maintain what is real. And she who tries, but says goodbye, needs to find the time to heal.
She stares at the mobile dangling above her crib. It's a mobile containing a model of Voyager and its shuttles, and it's beautiful. Joe made it. He has such a wonderful knack for building things, although that didn't surprise her as he is an engineer.
She switches on the mobile and watches it spins around and emit different colours of light around the room. She watches, entranced.
This is what Joe is to her. The many colours of light that could otherwise have been shadowed in dark.
Why do matters of the heart have to be so complicated? She wonders. Why is there never any easy answer?
She doesn't know how long she can go feeling this awkward and this lost. She needs to tell him- to tell him what? She's not even sure.
But she doesn't have to. He gets there first.
He enters her quarters and immediately she can sense his turmoil, just as easily as he can probably sense hers.
Joe went to sit down on the couch and she joins him.
He wrings his hands together. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to let it out. I think I'm starting to feel something for you that's more than friendship."
"I'm think I'm starting to feel the same," she whispers.
Their gazes lock.
"I love my wife," he clarifies.
"And I love my husband."
"I would never want to do anything to hurt her. But I don't want to hurt you either."
"I feel the same."
"So what do we do?" he asks softly.
"Maybe we need to spend some time apart, just so we can try and regain ourselves."
"But your baby is due soon. You need me around."
"Having you around would be a blessing. But maybe I need to do this on my own."
His eyes grow sad. "You shouldn't have to."
"I know. But there are always plenty of people about if I need help."
"You'll let me help out occasionally, won't you?"
She nods, although she's not sure if she could. Just one glance at him sends her heart into a frenzy. And she knows that's never going to change. So long as there's hope that they will get home, being apart was surely better than the alternative.
"You'll be the one I go to when I need someone to baby-sit a baby who won't stop crying." It's a feeble attempt at a joke, but he smiles anyway.
He stands up to leave, and she stands up with him.
"I guess this is goodbye," he says gently. For now? She hears him wonder.
"I guess so," she echoes.
They look at each other, a range of emotions dancing in their eyes. Of what could be. Of what should be. And what is.
Is she making the right decision in letting him go? Is there another way she can keep him, without over-stepping the line?
Seeing the turmoil in her eyes, he draws her into a hug. It's not a hug between potential lovers. The bump between them reminds them of that. It's a hug between two best friends who have to let go of an incredible friendship, and don't want to.
He steps away from her.
"You know I'll be here if you need me."
"Always."
And with that she watches him leave from her quarters and from her life.
***
She who knows relentless captivation must find herself in an awkward situation. And when confrontation passes, and she's given up those chances, she will sit there in the dark and always be alone.
They sit together in the ready room, listening to Pachelbel's Canon in D Major, and it matches the sombre melody of her heart.
She knows he doesn't really like classical music. But she knows that when he listens to it with her, that he loves it. And how can she fault someone like that?
"You're not going to change your mind over this, are you?"
"No, I don't think so."
"I think you're making a mistake."
"I know I'm making a mistake."
"Then why are you making it?"
"Because it's not my choice to make. Maybe if we'd met in a different time…when we were younger perhaps, or if we were in a different situation, back home maybe-,"
"Then we would have hated each other," Chakotay cuts in.
She can't help but laugh bitterly. "I could never hate you, Chakotay. I never did."
"And I never hated you. When I first saw you, I thought you were the most magnificent woman I'd ever met. I'm glad I had the chance to find out I was right."
They fall into a pensive silence.
"Do you ever regret coming back from New Earth?" he finally asks.
"Everyday," she whispers. She thinks back to how attentive he was to her and how easy it was for them to slip into the role of friends from officers. Surely it wouldn't have taken long for them to be so much more? But she'll never know now.
"The choice of us will always be there, you know that, don't you?"
"Yes. But you also know I won't change my mind."
"You're a woman of principles, I know. And that's something I love about you."
Something about the way he says it causes the tears she never wanted him to see, well up in her eyes.
"So long as I'm captain of this ship, I will always be alone." As long as there's still hope of getting home, this is the decision she knows she'll always keep.
He wipes away the tears running down her face. "Then I will always be alone with you." He places a kiss on her hand, and she's mesmerised by the enchanting look in his eyes.
"Another time, another place-," she begins.
"And you would be mine," he finishes for her.
Her hand closes over his and she can't stop the tears.
The end