Clean Slate

Chapter Four – Water

Carrie thanked Anya for the clothes again then asked where Spike was. Anya pointed through the large window in her office that overlooked the shop. "He's at the far end in the biggest bay. We had to give him that one so we could knock out the wall and build a room for a couch and a few chairs."

Carrie's eyebrows went up in surprise. "You built a waiting room for his bay?"

Anya laughed. "Not a 'waiting' room, a 'watching' room. His customers kept getting in the way of our other mechanics and somebody was going to end up getting hurt."

Carrie frowned. "Can customers be in the garage? Isn't that against the law or something?"

"It's not really against the law, but we can be sued or fined if someone gets hurt. We're good with the regulatory agencies as long as his customers stay in the room and don't enter the garage."

"Oh. Is it okay if I go watch?"

Xander stepped through the door into the office just as Anya nodded and said, "Sure, just go out the front and walk around. I can't let you go through the garage because you're not an employee."

Xander said, "Yeah, she is."

Anya turned to look at him wearing a smile. "Another one?"

"Yep."

Anya turned back to Carrie. "Okay. Go on through the garage and I'll have your employee packet ready when you get back."

Xander shook his head. "She's an off-the-books employee for now, Ahn." He waved at the window. "Go ahead out to Spike, Carrie. I'll explain everything to Anya."

Carrie nodded and started for the door that Xander had just stepped through. "Thanks, Xander." She stepped out into the noisy, busy shop, being careful to stay close to the back wall. Most of the mechanics nodded at her as she passed and she smiled back. Her smile melted into a frown, though, when she finally caught sight of Spike… and the busty brunette who was standing at the very edge of the 'watching room' with her eyes glued to his butt.

Spike was bent over the side of the engine compartment of an expensive little sports car, stretching to reach something, and his shirt had come untucked from his jeans, baring a pale stretch of skin above his waistband. He stood up suddenly and gripped the hem of his shirt in his hands then stripped it off and tossed it behind him onto a rolling toolbox.

There were two audible gasps, Carrie's the loudest out of the two, and Spike's head turned toward her. He smiled brightly and held out a hand as he walked over. His mouth was moving, and she thought that words were maybe coming out of it, but she couldn't hear them over the words circling her own brain. 'Yum, yum, yum, major yum yummy.' He was beautiful. An Adonis. All smooth skin and sculptured muscles and Carrie suddenly reached up to wipe a hand across her mouth, sure that she was drooling.

His hand on her arm broke through the drooling yummies and Carrie startled, looking up at him with a scarlet face. He was still smiling as he asked, "You all right, pet?"

She nodded dumbly then waved weakly at the couch. "I'm fine… uh… just need to sit down… or something."

He led her over to the couch and helped her sit then stood back with a look of concern. "You need something to drink?"

She shook her head, finally noticing the hair-scorching glare the busty brunette woman was shooting her way. "No. I'm fine. Um… you can go do whatever it was you were doing."

The brunette piped up, "Do you know what's wrong with it, Spike? I going to a party tonight and I need my car."

Spike turned to face her, wearing a patient smile. "Not quite yet, Cordelia, but I'll have it runnin' like a top in time for your party."

Cordelia stepped close to Spike as he started walking toward her car then she reached up and ran a fingernail down his bare chest as she batted her eyelashes at him. "You could come, if you want. It'll be fun."

Spike cleared his throat as he threw a glance back at Carrie that was sprinkled with a bit of shame. Having her here watching how some of his customers treated him suddenly seemed like a monumentally bad idea. "Uh… sounds like a good time, luv, but I'm afraid I'll have to decline."

Cordelia leaned close and said into Spike's ear, making sure it was loud enough for Carrie to hear, "If you don't want to go to the party, we could always go to my place. I haven't had you in a while, Spike, and I miss you. You know you're the only reason I even set foot in this part of town."

Spike stepped away from Cordelia as he nodded toward the blonde on the couch who looked like she really wanted to tear all of Cordelia's hair out… or maybe set it on fire. And that shouldn't make his stomach flutter quite as much as it was, should it? He cleared his throat again. "As much fun as that would be, pet, I… uh… have a guest, and it wouldn't be polite to leave her on her own the first night of her visit."

Cordelia looked over at her and Carrie had the distinct impression that she was being weighed and measured… and found wanting. She put on the bravest smile she could muster and met Cordelia's gaze. Cordelia smirked then turned back to Spike wearing a sultry smile. "We could all go to the party, I guess, just as long as I get you to myself for a while. There's gonna be a ton of people there, so she won't be bored while we're… busy."

Spike was wearing the expression of a trapped animal as he looked between the two women. Before Carrie had stumbled into his life, he'd have taken Cordelia up on her offer in a hot minute. She was a brilliant shag, and as long as he focused on the physical aspect of the act instead of the shame he felt, he was able to enjoy the experience. He cared nothing for her, but showing her a good time – he strove for at least three 'good times' every time they got together – ensured that she'd keep bringing her business to Xander's garage, even though it was located in a part of town she usually didn't want to be seen in. And she'd tell her friends, who would bring their business to the garage… and the cycle would continue. But now…

Carrie was seething with jealousy, and although she knew she had absolutely no right to be, she was still seething. Spike wasn't her boyfriend, he wasn't really her anything, he was just a guy she'd met less than four hours ago. And it was very possible that she already had a boyfriend out there somewhere. She closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. If she gave in to the jealousy and made a scene by freaking out on the brunette, Spike could very well lose Cordelia as a customer, and Carrie didn't want to do anything that could possibly cost Spike his job if the heinous skank complained to Xander.

Carrie suddenly wondered what kind of person she'd been if the phrase 'heinous skank' had been part of her vocabulary. Maybe I'm the heinous skank. God, I barely know him and all I want to do is drag him to his bedroom and do lots of naughty things to him for a really long time.

Carrie decided that coming to the garage to watch Spike work had been a horribly bad idea. She stood up slowly and laid a hand over her stomach. "Spike? Um… I'm not feeling very good, so I'm gonna go lay down and take a nap. Don't worry about me tonight; you can go to the party or… do whatever. I'll be fine and we can… uh… catch up tomorrow." She turned and walked away without looking back; not wanting to see the look of triumph that she was certain Cordelia was wearing.

XX

XXXX

XX

Carrie woke when she heard Spike's boots in the kitchen, but she kept her eyes closed as he stepped into the living room. He stopped then sighed quietly and she heard him turn and start walking toward his bedroom. She opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling while she listened to him move around and then it got quiet. She was about to sit up and look for him when his face suddenly appeared over the back of the couch. She squeaked in surprise and her hand flew up to cover her heart as she said, "Geez, Spike! Bell. Neck. Look into it."

He chuckled and moved around the couch then sat down on the coffee table. "I changed the sheets and stuff on the bed for you."

"What? Why? I don't want to kick you out of your bed. I'm fine right here. "

He smiled shyly. "It's no problem, pet, and you're not kickin' me out. I mostly kip on the sofa anyway."

Carrie sat up; twisting the light blanket she'd taken off the back of the couch in her fingers. "You're sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. And it wouldn't be proper to have my guest on the sofa."

"Your guest. Right. Um… guess I'll go lay down in there then." She made to stand up then stopped. "Uh… unless you need to get ready for the party, or… to go see Cordelia. Are you going to see her?"

He shrugged. "Yeah."

"I know I don't have any right to ask this, but… do you… um… see… other customers? Xander made it sound like…"

Spike nodded, wearing a look of shame. "I've seen more than a few of 'em, yeah. I'm not that talented a mechanic, luv, and I've no other legally marketable skills," he motioned towards his face and torso, "so I use what I've got to keep 'em comin' to the garage." He took a deep breath. "And on that note, there's some things I need to tell you so you can decide if you want to stay here with me. I'll still take you around tomorrow and try to help you find out who you are, but if you decide that I've too much baggage and skeletons to suit you, then I'll help you get settled somewhere else."

Carrie shook her head. "You don't have to tell me anything."

"Yeah, I do. I'd hoped to wait a bit 'fore I told you about my past, get you sorted first… hell… let you get to know me some, but that worked out about as well as things usually do for me." Carrie opened her mouth and Spike held up a hand. "Please. I don't want you enterin' into any kind of relationship with me, just friends or otherwise, until you know what I'm about. It wouldn't be fair to you if you found out later and that information hurt you. Best get everything out in the open before there's any… attachments… between us."

Carrie nodded. "Okay, Spike, I'll listen."

Spike got up off the table and sat down at the other end of the couch, sinking into the cushions with a tired sigh. "I haven't always been the dashing bloke I am today. I was… a complete dork… nerd… loser… take your pick. I had no friends in England and only one friend after I moved here. And girls? Mostly they just laughed at me or ignored me, but there was one… Her name was Drusilla. I met her about six months before my father died, and she was, well… batshit crazy is probably the most accurate description. She was into some bad stuff…"

Carrie whispered, "Drugs?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah. I tried to get her off 'em at first, and she fought me tooth and nail the whole way, but we were makin' progress, and then… my father died, and I…" He took a deep, pained breath. "I went off the rails a bit. Was havin' a tough time dealin' with his death and she said she had somethin' that could stop the pain for a little while. It did, but then I'd start hurtin' again and she'd offer to make the pain stop. Didn't take long for me to stop tryin' to get her clean and instead take what she was offerin', and for a while all we did was get high and shag like rabbits."

Carrie flinched slightly then whispered, "Which drugs did you use?"

He chuckled quietly. "Most of 'em, truth be told. I've tried nearly every drug there is at least once, but heroin was my drug of choice."

"But you're clean now, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I've been clean nearly five years."

"Well, that's not that bad, I guess, and hearing about it doesn't make me not want to be here."

"That's not the worst of it, pet." Spike closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the couch. "I've done… God, pet, drug dealers don't just give heroin away… and bein' that neither of us could hold down a job… She was gonna do it, but I couldn't let her, could I? Even high as a bleedin' kite, I'm still the gentleman my mum raised, so I did it." He motioned to his face and torso again. "Used what I had to make money the only way I could."

Carrie gasped. "Women paid you for s..sex?"

Spike voiced a bitter chuckle. "Sometimes it was a woman, but mostly… it wasn't."

Carrie swallowed hard as she tried to wrap her mind around what he'd just told her. "Oh. So you're bi?"

Another bitter chuckle. "No. I'm not. Not even a little. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it was… pleasurable, and I get why blokes shag other blokes, but I'm just not wired that way. I like birds, and only birds, but I did what I had to do. For her. Didn't tell her what I was doin' to get the drugs, of course. Told her I'd started sellin' 'em myself… and I tried to get my dealer to let me sling for 'im, but he decided that my value lay in… other areas. He set up most of my… appointments, but I still had to go out on my own 'cause he took most of what I earned as payment on what we already owed him." Spike shifted slightly without opening his eyes. "I made sure to use protection, though. Didn't earn as much as I could have if I'd let 'em ride bareback, but…"

"You told Xander that you didn't want to die anymore, so if you wanted to die back then, why did you worry about protection?"

Spike lifted his head and opened his eyes, but he couldn't quite meet her gaze. "Didn't want to die then, well, most of the time. Dru leavin' me is what made me start to want to end it all, but even then, I used protection. It didn't matter to me at that point if I lived or died, but I didn't want to go out from my bits fallin' off."

"Why'd she leave?"

Spike's gaze had settled on his knees. "She showed up at our dealer's place, I guess lookin' for me, and caught me with one of my… customers. Seein' her boyfriend bent over a table takin' it up the arse was apparently a bit more than she could handle. I tried to go after her, explain that I was doin' it for her, but the bloke was holdin' me down and wasn't about to let me go until he'd finished… had to get his money's worth, you know… and by the time I got back to where we were stayin', all her things were gone. Haven't seen her since."

Carrie's voice was very quiet as she said, "Oh."

"Yeah. After that I… what do they call it? Spiraled down. I started spendin' more time on the streets turnin' tricks instead of turnin' 'em for my dealer 'cause I made more that way and could stay high nearly all the time. Workin' the streets isn't the safest of pastimes, though, and I started havin' to fight to defend my territory and keep other junkies from stealin' my stash."

"So where does Xander come in?"

"I've known Xan since I moved here. He was that one friend I had… my best mate when we were in school. Spent most of his time at my house when my Da was still alive. Obviously, we traveled slightly different paths after graduation. He took over his father's business when the abusive old lush finally died, and used the insurance money to turn it from a rundown shithole, with one usually sloshed mechanic, into what it is today, while I embarked on my stellar career of whorin' myself out for drugs. We kept in touch, if you count me ringin' him three or four times to come bail my arse out of jail keepin' in touch. He'd take me to his house, clean me up and feed me, and then tell me I was welcome to stay and he'd help me kick the heroin. I'd agree and tell him thank you and then I'd be gone by the time he woke up the next morning. A few months after Dru left, I called him 'cause I'd been pinched for fighting. I was a right mess – strung out, hungry, hadn't showered in an age, and I was covered in another bloke's blood – but he still paid the bail and took me home. We did the whole routine – cleanin', feedin', offers of help… and I waited 'til he'd gone to sleep then slipped out a window with a pocketful of his cash and his mother's wedding ring."

Spike suddenly stood up and went into the kitchen, coming out a few seconds later with two bottles of water. He offered one to Carrie and she took it, but didn't twist the top off to drink. She just held it tightly in her hands as Spike settled back down on the couch. "Then what happened?"

"I hit rock bottom about three weeks later. I'd shot all the dosh I'd stolen from Xan up my arm, I hadn't eaten in four days – couldn't even get it together enough to go to the soup kitchen – I'd been in several fights… mostly on the losin' end 'cause I was so strung out… and I looked so bad I couldn't even pick up a trick. I broke into the garage. I meant to steal anything I could carry out of there to sell for more drugs, but when I got into his office, I saw a picture…" He trailed off and took a large swig of water then just sat there staring at the bottle in his hand.

Carrie asked quietly, "A picture of what?"

"Me, my Da… and Xander. It was in a frame that said 'My Family' on it in big silver letters. It was on his desk right by his coffee cup. I sat in his chair and stared at it for hours. He told me later that he'd look at that picture every time he picked up the cup and wonder where I was and if I was okay." Spike took another swig of water. "I tried to kill myself right there in his office. Used a box cutter I'd found in a drawer to slice open my wrist." He held up his right arm, showing Carrie the ragged scar. "Did it wrong, like most everything else in my life, and didn't cut quite deep enough. It would've worked if I'd done it earlier and given myself enough time to bleed out, but I'd sat there starin' at the picture too long, and he found me bleedin' all over his desk about ten minutes later. He didn't say anything, just picked up the picture and handed it to me then wrapped up my wrist and carted me to hospital. Didn't even call the law on me for breakin' in even though he had to replace the door I'd ruined."

Spike finished off his water then crushed the bottle and lobbed it into the recycle bin sitting just inside the kitchen door. "Xan told the docs I'd cut myself on a piece of equipment in his garage so they wouldn't slap a psych hold on me, although considerin' how bad I looked and smelled, it was obvious I wasn't someone who'd been hurt at work, but they took his word for it and didn't make a fuss. He sat with me while they stitched me up, me holdin' that picture the whole time, and then he took me home again, but he didn't even have the chance to give me the 'I'll help you kick it' speech 'fore I was beggin' for his forgiveness and his help to get clean. And the rest, as they say, is history."

Spike smoothed his hands down his thighs and stood up. "So there you have it. The sordid story of my life. I know that was a lot to dump on you, especially considerin' your own situation, but I wanted you to know what you were gettin' into. I'm gonna go have a wash up and let you think about if you still want to be here after tomorrow."

Carrie leaned over and barely snagged his hand as he started to step away. "You're still going to see her?"

He gently shook off her hand then turned away, saying quietly over his shoulder, "Don't really want to, but my customers expect certain things and if I don't give 'em those things then they won't be my customers. Losin' their business would hurt Xan and I won't do that, not after all he's done for me, so I do what I can to ensure customer loyalty."

"Xander seems to think that you like seeing all those women."

He turned to face her, but kept his eyes down. "I did at first. What red-blooded male wouldn't get one hell of an ego boost from beautiful women wanting him? Didn't take long to realize that they don't really want me, though. They want this…" He waved his hand, indicating his body. "They don't care to know what I think 'bout things or what interests me. It's not my brains or skills as a mechanic that brings 'em to the garage, pet, it's my looks and the skills I possess in other areas. I'm nothin' but a nicely shaped, life-sized sex toy." His shoulders slumped as he turned away again. "I'm as much a rent-boy now as I was when I was using." He moved around the couch and stopped in the bedroom doorway. "Xan doesn't know 'bout the whorin' – any of it, then or now – and I'd appreciate it if he never found out."