Beca stood outside of the only dorm room that she felt she could handle being in at this moment, and so she knocked on the door waiting for it to open. However instead she could hear the two males within the room moving about franticly
"No just hurry up and hide it… under there…look just give it to me ill hide it" Beca chuckled as she leant against the door continuing to listen in on the action.
"Sorry one second" one of them shouted out not knowing who was at their door.
It was then that the door opened as a flustered looking Benji,
"Oh Beca! Thank god its you, come on in" relief washed over Benji as he slumped on the bed clearly getting over his rush of panic
"Hey you" Jesse threw the book that he had been 'reading' to try and make him look less suspicious onto his desk before he greeted her with a hug. He knew that she wasn't a huggy person, but she seemed to be coming around to the social convention, and after the day Beca had, had she was happy with as many hugs as she could get.
"We assumed it was dorm checks and so had to hide this little fellow" Jesse reached under his bed pulling out the cage that homed Benji's little hamster, and placing it back on the shelf where he usually stayed.
"Yeah, sorry I should have text or called or something before just coming around, just I…I didn't know where else to go" Beca hated that she needed to talk about her emotions and what had happened but she wanted another opinion, or even just some support and understanding.
"Hey that's fine, you're always welcome round here Bec, I'll put the kettle on" Benji rubbed her on the arm as he spoke, before lining up three cups as the kettle was clicked on.
"Thanks guys" Beca slumped onto Jesse's couch next to him
"So come on then, what's happened? I mean you've been here at least 3 minutes and you haven't mocked me yet so it must be serious" Jesse knew that Beca hated to be emotional and so decided to lighten the mood a little before making her explain whatever it was that had upset her. Benji bought over the cups of tea and took his seat opposite the other two.
Benji loved that him and Jesse got on as roommates and he loved it even more that Beca enjoyed his company too, considering she was round so often. To begin with he had left the room when she arrived so that he wasn't imposing on the other two, but after a while he got to know Beca and they clicked as friends. It was because of this that he felt he had the right to stay in the room whilst Beca needed a heart to heart, and truth be told Beca wanted him here, she knew that he would be supportive and that's what she needed.
"Oh god I don't even know where to start" Beca sighed trying to go over all the moments that had lead up to this result, she rubbed her head as she tried to choose one. But every moment seemed relevant to explaining what had happened, every little touch or every time she looked up and caught the redhead's gaze. Beca knew that she couldn't get too lost in her thoughts and so decided it was best to simply say it out right and so she gathered her courage to let down her barriers.
"I had a moment with…someone, and I nearly kissed them… and well they nearly kissed me, but we were interrupted and so, they had to leave… but they decided to come back again and then we actually kissed" Beca was being so careful not to mentioned names or genders, throughout her ramble, not because she was embarrassed but because she had never experienced this with a woman before and so it was hard to explain
"Right" Jesse nodded slowly, "but that cant be the whole story because you don't look like someone just kissed you, you looked like someone kicked a puppy in front of you" Jesse had never seen Beca look this little and vulnerable before, she was on the edge of tears, now holding an oversized cup of tea in both her hands as she looked at the floor, unable to look him or Benji in the eyes.
"So after we kissed, we moved to the bedroom" Beca was hoping just to leave it with the implication of intimacy but Jesse couldn't contain his shock
"You slept with him?" he had known Beca for quite some time, and he had never known her to sleep with anyone quickly, so he knew that this was going to be more serious than she was currently letting on
"No I didn't sleep with him" Beca knew that telling Jesse and Benji would be safe because neither of them would judge her, but as the next sentence left her she was overcome with a wave of nerves. She couldn't tell if it was because she was admitting the truth to her friends or having to accept the truth herself:
"I slept with Her" unknowingly she bit her bottom lip waiting for the response from her two friends. Benji simply nodded, clear that he wasn't judging her, he was just waiting to be told what had happened to upset Beca because in his eyes that was far more important.
Jesse however was less calm about it, he couldn't hide his shock,
"Her? you slept with a 'her'?" he knew that his friend needed him right now but sadly his own pride got in the way for just a moment
"How comes you've never mentioned this before?! Like when you knew I was interested in you why didn't you just tell me that you liked women?" Jesse knew he was out of line to ask this, because he was meant to be listening to Beca, but embarrassment flowed throughout him as he thought of the times he had hit on Beca before they became such ood friends. Thankfully he stopped himself before he said something too harsh. Benji glared at him making him realise that Beca needed his support at the moment and not his questions
"I'm sorry Bec, that was harsh, you don't need that right now" He placed his arm around her lightly squeezing her,
"Continue" he stated, keeping his arm round her
"I've never done anything like that before, I've never…been with… a woman, I've never really thought about women before not like that, but 'she' is different, and I was thinking about how lucky I was to be with her when I woke up, but then I freaked out" tears began to fall from her eyes making tracks as they went
"I was so happy with her choosing to be with me, that I started wondering why she chose me, and thinking about all the ways I could screw it up! And all the ways I could hurt her, and so I panicked, and I couldn't talk to her or explain my worries because I'm rubbish at letting people in, I just push them all away, so I left. I abandoned a sweet and beautiful girl in my bed, there's no way she will ever forgive me" Beca began to sob as she tried to explain what had happened the true harshness of her acts dawning on her as she did. 'I'll be lucky if Chloe ever talks to me again' she thought to herself
"Beca, you need to go and talk to her, because in fear of screwing it up, you've made the biggest mistake you can, so you need to go and sort it out, and as for letting people in you've just opened up to us two" Benji smiled as he spoke softly
"you'll regret it more if you don't give it a go because you let your fear get in the way" he continued
"I'll be lucky if she's willing to be in the same room as me after what I've done" Beca wiped the last few tears away as she spoke, knowing that crying wouldn't achieve anything at the moment.
"Whoever this girl is she obviously likes you, if you go and show her how you truly feel, maybe she will understand how much of a step that is for you" Jesse knew that who ever it was would be an idiot not to accept Beca's apology and understand just how huge it was if she opened up to them. Because Beca had a forgivable nature about herself, people were willing to let her push them away but still return when she was ready, because she truly was amazing, she just needed to accept that herself.
"You really think I stand a chance? I suck at opening up to people, what if I can't do it?" Beca's main fear was that she would screw up her apology as well by being dense and therefore seem uncaring.
"If you cant tell her how you feel then show her" Benji spoke, Beca had a slight giggle at this, not because of what he said, but more the fact that at this moment he was like a guru to her, sat in the corner simply stating mature and appropriate suggestions.
Beca sat and explain to the guys just how she felt and why she had freaked out, more as a practice to show her that she could actually do it, and thankfully neither of the boys made any jokes about her being with a woman, it was far too soon for her to deal with that.
"But what if I push her away again if she is willing to give me another chance?" Beca knew that it sounded pathetic, but putting up barriers was one of Beca's talents, and although she hated that she did it she had no idea how not to
"Yeah but you're worth coming back to, I speak from experience" he smiled hoping that she would see that people were willing to wait until she was ready to be open
Beca finished her tea, and stood up
"thanks guys, I really appreciate you both being here for me" Beca held out her arms gesturing for a hug, and allowed both guys to hug her together, as she was in between them both feeling all safe and petit, she realised just how open she could be if she let herself.
"So Bec, I'm so sorry but I've got to ask, who is the lucky lady?" Jesse smiled playfully, making it clear that he had been dying to ask the whole time since finding out it had been a woman Beca had been intimate with today.
Beca simply smiled and blushed
"Chloe" butterflies filled Beca as the name rolled from her tongue
"Chloe Beale? Wow! Beca that's…..wow" it was obvious that Jesse was trying his hardest to put a sentence together, however with the image of the two women together in his head, combined with the knowledge of just how wonderful both women were they could have something truly special if they wanted to.
"Wow indeed" Beca smiled, remembering the sensation of Chloe's bare skin against hers.
"Good luck with everything Bec, especially Aubrey" Jesse knew just how difficult Aubrey could be, so he could only assume that if it was something that involved her best friend she would be like a mother protecting her young, happy to take down absolutely anything that could be a threat.
"Oh shit!" Beca turned around just after leaving the dorm,
"I didn't even think about Aubrey! Well if I don't make it back you both know what happened!" the feeling of butterflies in her stomach were less fluttery now and instead of making her feel excited she felt nauseous, now as well as trying to apologise to Chloe she would also have to get past Aubrey to do so.
And so as the dorm room shut behind her she looked down at her watch, it was not quite half 8, nearly an hour and a half since she abandoned Chloe, she knew that the emotions and feelings would still be raw and so Chloe may refuse to talk to her, but she had to at least try and explain, and so Beca decided that it was best to head over to her dorm now instead of waiting till the morning.